Titus & Ryan: A CSI SitcomWritten by Special Ed
<Fade in>
EXT. LAS VEGAS BUS DEPOT - 4 a.m.
Craig drops off Anthony at the bus stop. A police officer is writing parking tickets ten feet away.
CRAIG (in a low voice): You know what to do brother.
ANTHONY (loudly): Gotcha Craig. I'll be in MIAMI if the POLICE come-a-knockin'.
CRAIG: Shhhhhh!
<Audience roars>
INT. Titus Home - 4:07 a.m
Kelly greets Craig at the door.
KELLY: How'd it go?
CRAIG: Piece of cake. The "burning bandit" strikes again.
<Audience laughter>
CRAIG: I need to run out and get some CRACK. Do you have any cash on you?
KELLY: No. I'm broke.
CRAIG: Broke?? Well, how'd you pay for the lighter fluid and the barbecue tools?
KELLY: I charged it.
<Audience laughter>
CRAIG: You CHARGED it?
KELLY: Well they wouldn't take a CHECK.
<Audience roars>
Craig rolls his eyes at the camera.
CRAIG: Did you ever think they could trace the stuff back to us?
KELLY: What stuff? I thought you burnt everything.
<More laughter>
CRAIG: Sheesh. Well, we can always say someone STOLE your credit card.
KELLY: Right. I could DYE my hair and look completely different. Then we could say it was someone else who used my credit card.
CRAIG: That's brilliant Kel.
KELLY: That's why you married me sweetie!
They kiss.
Craig turns to leave. Then remembers something.
CRAIG: Kelly, what time did you report the car stolen?
KELLY: It wasn't stolen Craig. You just used it.
<Audience roars>
CRAIG: You mean you DIDN'T report the car stolen?
KELLY: Filing a false police report is against the law Craig.
<Audience laughs>
CRAIG:Kelly, we just strangled, bludgeoned and burnt our houseguest to a CRISP and you're worried about BREAKING THE LAW?
<Audience ROARS>
KELLY (pulls out cell phone): Is it too late to call?
CRAIG: Just forget it Kel.
Kelly starts dialing her phone.
CRAIG: I said forget it.
KELLY: Oh, I'm not calling the police...I'm calling Mandy.
CRAIG: Why the heck are you calling HER?
KELLY: To tell her Melissa won't be able to work out with her today.
<Audience laughs>
CRAIG (crossing arms): And what are planning to tell her?
KELLY: Exactly what you told me.
CRAIG: Okay, go ahead.
KELLY (dialing): Hi Mandy, it's Kelly. I just wanted to leave you a message telling you that Melissa won't be able to go to the gym with you this morning because she overdosed and she --
MANDY (slurring): Hello? Kelly, it's four in the morning. Melissa did what???
KELLY: She overdosed.
MANDY: And you're calling ME?? How about calling an AMBULANCE??!!
<Audience roars>
KELLY: But Craig said 'No body, no crime' and --
<Audience roars>
Craig rolls his eyes at her and drops his head in his hands.
KELLY: -- OOPS! I take back that last part.
<Audience laughs>
MANDY: Kelly, what's going on?
Craig motions for Kelly to hang up.
KELLY: Umm...Rock a bye Mandy, on the treetop...
<Audience laughter>
MANDY: Why are you singing to me?
KELLY: You are getting sleeeeeeeepy.
<More audience laughter>
MANDY: Kelly?
KELLY: It's all a dream...you're dreaming...dreaming...
She hangs up.
KELLY: How did I do?
CRAIG (sarcastic): Great. You want to call the FBI next?
<Audience laughs>
KELLY (begins dialing): F...B...I...
<Audience Roars>
KELLY (cont.): No one is answering. I guess they're not open yet.
<Audience laughter>
Craig grabs Kelly by the neck.
<Audience GASPS>
CRAIG: I love you Olive Oil.
KELLY: And I love you Popeye.
They kiss.
<Fade out>
