(Dan) Savage Love: Advice Column

[BayGBM]

I am 20 years old and my boyfriend is 30. He's been married three times and has six children from a variety of women. I know, I know, it sounds bad. But he's one of those guys who wanted a family. Anyway, long story short, I feel insecure because he has had a MILLION experiences and I have not. So I asked him to take his porn off our computer. He did so.

When I came home today and sat at the computer, I noticed there was lubricant next to the keyboard. I thought to myself, "That's not where I saw you last." I looked at his folders (I KNOW: violation of privacy) and I didn't see any porn. So I went to the internet browser to look at the "history" and guess what? It had all been deleted. I know his computer is not set to automatic history clearance, so he had to clear it manually.

Can I be a bitch and ask him about this? "I noticed that you deleted your history—and what is the lube doing here?" Or should I let it drop? I know it's unrealistic to expect him never to masturbate. I just don't want him looking at other girls while he does. My bitchy side is just ROARING to get out. HELP!

--Keep The Bitch Caged


What we have here, KTBC, is a failure to correctly diagnose the problem.

Why is this 30-year-old, thrice-married, six-times-a-father guy with you? Because men like your boyfriend prefer to date pathetic, inexperienced 20-year-olds because they're foolish enough—you are foolish enough—to swallow his bullshit ("I'm one of those guys who always wanted a family") and regurgitate it on cue ("He's one of those guys who always wanted a family"). Someone who wants a family doesn't start and destroy three of them before age 30. Those aren't the actions of an aspiring family man, little miss; those are the actions of a sociopath.

As for his masturbatory habits, KTBC, as I see it, the more of his supercharged spunk that winds up in dirty T-shirts and crusty socks, the better. Married three times, six kids by a variety of women, and a 20-year-old girlfriend who, due to her youth and inexperience, fails to see his marital and reproductive histories for the relationship-ending deal breakers they ought to be, and who sends advice columnists letters about his porn use instead of, say, the most effective possible forms of birth control available to her: Once again, KTBC, the more of his spunk that winds up in the laundry, and not in you, the better.

Dump him. DTMFA. And find a new boyfriend—not one who never masturbates, as that man doesn't exist. All men masturbate (most women do, all should), all men look at porn (many women do, more should), and all women need to get over the porn and masturbation thing. If you want a male in your life who you can order never to look at porn or masturbate—if you want a male you can castrate—get a dog.

[BayGBM]

How do you feel about your man jacking off behind your back?

[ripitupbaby]

How do you feel about your man jacking off behind your back?

I agree with the last paragraph of the first post.   

As long as his habits don't take away interest from me, then all is good.   

[columbusdude82]

The only advice column I ever read. He is brilliant!

[BayGBM]

Why is this 30-year-old, thrice-married, six-times-a-father guy with you? Because men like your boyfriend prefer to date pathetic, inexperienced 20-year-olds because they're foolish enough—you are foolish enough—to swallow his bullshit ("I'm one of those guys who always wanted a family") and regurgitate it on cue ("He's one of those guys who always wanted a family"). Someone who wants a family doesn't start and destroy three of them before age 30. Those aren't the actions of an aspiring family man, little miss; those are the actions of a sociopath.

Did she own herself or what?  Ouch! 

[24KT]

Wow, talk about telling it straight to the point with no punches pulled! Good Stuff!

[BayGBM]

I'm in my final year of high school and I decided to come out as a lesbian—a very foolish move as I live in a small town that's not exactly brimming with tolerant people. But I know there are other closeted people at my school and I figured if none of us ever take the first step, it won't ever get any better around here. But the response from my peers was worse than I expected. It's nothing too terrible, no physical violence, and in the beginning I could cope. But it's been a while now and I guess I need some advice. It just isn't getting better and I'm getting tired of it. I have to park two streets away so people don't write shit on my car, someone's hacked my user account and deleted important coursework, I'm either told I'm dressing like a dyke or trying to be a girl depending on what I choose to wear on any given day. I'm avoiding classes that I don't have friends in because even if nothing is said (though it often is), the atmosphere is horrible. And none of this is that big a deal compared to what others have to go through, I know, but I'm sort of at the end of my tether.

Reporting it to staff is useless because they just tell me there isn't any proof and do fuck all. I've got some teachers looking out for me, but they can't really do anything, either. I have some supportive friends, thank God, but it's all just becoming a bit too much, and I need some advice on how to cope through the last few months until I can get out of this shithole town.

--Tired And Losing It

Here's what you need to do, TALI: Look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself that this is the nadir, the bottom, the worst it's ever going to get. Once you get out of high school and out of your shithole hometown and get your ass off to college—to a big state school or private secular university—you won't be the only out queer anymore. Hell, you'll be surrounded by out fags and dykes and bisexuals. I can't promise you that you'll never encounter a bigot again, of course, or that all the fags and dykes you meet over the course of your life will be good people. But you will never again feel as vulnerable or persecuted or alone as you do right now.

And while you're talking to yourself in the mornings, TALI, tell yourself this, too: "Fuck my school, fuck my classmates, and fuck this town." The shits conspiring to make you miserable, TALI, are unlikely to have lives anywhere near as interesting as the one on which you're about to embark. Your classmates are making you miserable now because they know, deep down in their little black hearts, that their lives are going to be duller than day-old douche water compared to yours. Their lives aren't going to be dull because they're straight, TALI, but because the value they place on conformity—that's the reason they feel they have a right to abuse you now—is a prison they've constructed around themselves.

Right now they're making you feel like an outcast, TALI, and the malice stings. But what exactly are they casting you out of? Your high school? Their asshole cliques? That shit town? You haven't been cast out, TALI; you've been liberated. Freed. Sprung.

 

[24KT]

I'm in my final year of high school and I decided to come out as a lesbian—a very foolish move as I live in a small town that's not exactly brimming with tolerant people. But I know there are other closeted people at my school and I figured if none of us ever take the first step, it won't ever get any better around here. But the response from my peers was worse than I expected. It's nothing too terrible, no physical violence, and in the beginning I could cope. But it's been a while now and I guess I need some advice. It just isn't getting better and I'm getting tired of it. I have to park two streets away so people don't write shit on my car, someone's hacked my user account and deleted important coursework, I'm either told I'm dressing like a dyke or trying to be a girl depending on what I choose to wear on any given day. I'm avoiding classes that I don't have friends in because even if nothing is said (though it often is), the atmosphere is horrible. And none of this is that big a deal compared to what others have to go through, I know, but I'm sort of at the end of my tether.

Reporting it to staff is useless because they just tell me there isn't any proof and do fuck all. I've got some teachers looking out for me, but they can't really do anything, either. I have some supportive friends, thank God, but it's all just becoming a bit too much, and I need some advice on how to cope through the last few months until I can get out of this shithole town.

--Tired And Losing It

Here's what you need to do, TALI: Look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself that this is the nadir, the bottom, the worst it's ever going to get. Once you get out of high school and out of your shithole hometown and get your ass off to college—to a big state school or private secular university—you won't be the only out queer anymore. Hell, you'll be surrounded by out fags and dykes and bisexuals. I can't promise you that you'll never encounter a bigot again, of course, or that all the fags and dykes you meet over the course of your life will be good people. But you will never again feel as vulnerable or persecuted or alone as you do right now.

And while you're talking to yourself in the mornings, TALI, tell yourself this, too: "Fuck my school, fuck my classmates, and fuck this town." The shits conspiring to make you miserable, TALI, are unlikely to have lives anywhere near as interesting as the one on which you're about to embark. Your classmates are making you miserable now because they know, deep down in their little black hearts, that their lives are going to be duller than day-old douche water compared to yours. Their lives aren't going to be dull because they're straight, TALI, but because the value they place on conformity—that's the reason they feel they have a right to abuse you now—is a prison they've constructed around themselves.

Right now they're making you feel like an outcast, TALI, and the malice stings. But what exactly are they casting you out of? Your high school? Their asshole cliques? That shit town? You haven't been cast out, TALI; you've been liberated. Freed. Sprung.

 

Bay,
Who is this brilliantly & inciteful sage whose pervasive wisdom we have been blessed to see?          
Talk about telling it straight! "lives duller than day-old douche water" That is priceless! ROTLMAO!!!

[BayGBM]

About a month ago, I got drunk and slept with my friend's girlfriend. (He's not my best friend, more of a second-tier friend.) We both swore never to tell anyone and left it at that. Only problem is, we've been hanging out a lot lately and sending private messages to each other multiple times a day, but nothing physical. It's progressed to the point that our mutual friends are starting to notice that there's something going on between the lady and me. And, frankly, if someone I was dating were doing what she is doing, I'd consider it cheating.

Things came to a head a few nights ago when we ended up skinny-dipping and then showering together. We are obviously infatuated. We had a long talk about what to do: We are really into each other, but there are issues. For starters, she would have to break up with her boyfriend, something she would do in theory, but there are housing issues (she lives with him) and friendship issues (her best friend is his best friend's lady). Furthermore, I'm scared not only of getting beat to hell by her man, but of getting shunned by all of my friends for stealing another man's girl.

Everything is interconnected in the most fucked-up ways possible. I'm wondering if there is any way out of this with the desired result for everyone: the lady and I together, friends understanding of the situation, and her boyfriend not totally destroyed. I still like her boyfriend as a friend and a guy, and I don't want to crush him with a pre-winter breakup (it gets real lonely here in the winter).

Fucked In Madison

As "the lady" is not a wallet, a car, or a crusty old come sock, FIM, you can't "steal her" from a second-tier friend or anyone else. She is a free and autonomous individual; her affections are hers to award and hers to rescind. And as it's the lady who would be doing the dumping here, FIM, you wouldn't be crushing your second-tier friend with a pre-winter breakup, she would.

Let's not overestimate your importance in the little lady's drama, FIM. I'm sure you're a lovely person, you're a great fuck, that you look good in the shower, etc., but you are only evidence that her relationship isn't long for this world, FIM, you are not the reason it isn't. This breakup was in the cards before you and that fateful drunken night. Your appearance on the scene may have given her an incentive to end a relationship that needed to end—and end sooner rather than later—but the relationship was doomed before you drunkenly banged the (shitfaced) lady.

In other words: You're just a symptom, FIM, don't flatter yourself by imagining you're the disease.

That said, FIM, her friends and future ex-boyfriend may very well blame you when the breakup comes. The only way to avoid looking bad/culpable/responsible in their eyes—and get the girl without the beating—is to inform the lady that you're into her and want to be with her, but that you can't see her until she's free and clear. No more hanging out, no more texting, no more skinny-dipping, no more showering together until she's officially single and available.

[Migs]

How do you feel about your man jacking off behind your back?

better behind it than on it, I always say!

[BayGBM]

Two of my closest friends, a straight couple, recently got engaged. As an engagement present, my female friend would like to include me in their sex life, potentially for just one evening or perhaps for longer. She and I have had a few make-out sessions while her fiancé watched, and I am somewhat turned on by the idea of taking our escapades further. But there's a catch: I'm currently seeing someone who says he doesn't consider hypothetical situations like this to be "cheating" but would probably be uncomfortable if I actually did this for my friends. Should I tell my friends I can't go any further out of respect for his feelings, or tell him that the situation is no longer hypothetical and risk making him uncomfortable, or help my friends out on the condition that it only happens once and not tell him at all?

Toying With A Third


Well aren't you the selfless little people-pleaser, TWAT. You're willing to sleep with this couple—maybe once, maybe weekly—even though you're only "somewhat turned on by the idea." But if you "did this for [your] friends"—if you condescended to help them out—what do you tell the man you're currently seeing? You could tell him the truth, of course, which would be the right thing, the responsible thing, the ethical thing—but that might make him uncomfortable, poor dear. So you hesitate. Oh, not out of selfish desire to avoid an awkward conversation, of course, just out of an overabundance of concern for his feelings.

Sorry, TWAT, since your boyfriend has already given you his hypothetical okay to get with your friends, there's no way to justify making an engagement present of yourself without informing him in advance. And let's be honest, shall we? Your reluctance to inform the boyfriend isn't about a selfless desire to spare his feelings, but your cowardly desire to avoid an awkward conversation and—if he balks at this hypothetical becoming a reality—a potentially relationship-ending conversation.

But before you can be honest with the boyfriend, TWAT, you're going to need to be honest with yourself. Repeat after me: "Honey, remember that couple, my insanely hot friends? They've asked me to have a three-way with them and I want to so bad my ovaries are throbbing—that cool with you?"

[SamoanIrishman]

This guy is awesome..I always read his stuff. Weirdest one I ever read was some dude who liked to jack off into a ziplock back, freeze it then take it out and eat it while fucking his girl.

I didn't eat that entire day.

[yng466]

I'M EASILY DISTRACTED,SHE'D HAVE TO COME BETWEEN ME AND WHAT I'M DOING IF SHE WANTS TO GET MY FULL ATTENTION. WOMEN JUST DONT INTREST ME MUCH ANYMORE.IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,WHAT'S REALLY SO SPECIAL ABOUT THEM ANYWAY? GUESS MAYBE I'L JUST NEVER FIND THE RIGHT ONE,I'VE PRETTY MUCH GIVEN UP ON THEM.