Living with BPD

[Brixtonbulldog]

My ex and I are still close and we hung out yesterday.  Had a good time but she told me she thinks she is a "borderline personality."  Anyone who knows about this knows how devastating this disorder can be and I just started reading about it.  Everything seems accurate and describes her issues It can be just as destructive to friends, family, and relationships as it is to the individual.

Anyone has any personal experience with this or dealing with someone suffering from it?  I feel there isn't much I can do to help especially since we're dealing with the break-up at the same time.

[tonymctones]

ask her if she has ever thought about seeing a therapist, its really easy to self diagnose yourself with disorders, illness, sickness etc...I studied psych in college and every new disorder we went over I could see myself exhibiting some of those symptoms. I would definitly push her to at least sit down with a psychologist or psychiatrist and have a conversation with them. If you two end up staying together then I would recommend you that you either see her therapist with her or seperate, like you said these disorders can be very destructive to relationships, family, life in general and you knowing more about her situation(if it is indeed what she thinks it maybe) will help you two deal with it together and help you understand what the disorder is and how you may be able to help the situation as well.

If she does decide to see a therapist I cant stress this enough DO SOME RESEARCH on them dont just go pick one out of the yellow pages.

If she is against going to a therapist as alot of ppl are b/c of the social stigma against and the idea therapist judging you. Assure her that its not like that(or shouldnt be anyway) and that its just sitting down and having a conversation more then anything else.

Hope this helps bulldog

[benchmstr]

My ex and I are still close and we hung out yesterday.  Had a good time but she told me she thinks she is a "borderline personality."  Anyone who knows about this knows how devastating this disorder can be and I just started reading about it.  Everything seems accurate and describes her issues It can be just as destructive to friends, family, and relationships as it is to the individual.

Anyone has any personal experience with this or dealing with someone suffering from it?  I feel there isn't much I can do to help especially since we're dealing with the break-up at the same time.

my ex girlfriend had it. me and her were really close friends for over 2 years, and then we started going out. i then learned that BPD was a secret she had been hiding from me and i can see why now. she cant even function properly unless she is on her meds. the relationship lasted 4 months and i lost a girlfriend and a best friend. i cant even talk to her anymore, her family had the doctors put her on enough meds to were she is their own personal robot. her cousin tells me she cant even remember her 4 year old sons name sometimes, because the family has her so medicated.

i would also like to know some stuff i could have done to help her more, because in my eyes i exhausted all efforts before her complete freak out.

bench

[drkaje]

My ex and I are still close and we hung out yesterday.  Had a good time but she told me she thinks she is a "borderline personality."  Anyone who knows about this knows how devastating this disorder can be and I just started reading about it.  Everything seems accurate and describes her issues It can be just as destructive to friends, family, and relationships as it is to the individual.

Anyone has any personal experience with this or dealing with someone suffering from it?  I feel there isn't much I can do to help especially since we're dealing with the break-up at the same time.

There ain't a darn thing you can do except run away fast in the opposite direction and be thankful you didn't knock her up.

[powerpack]

I worked with a few people with BPD and my buddies wife is BPD.
They will always be difficult people and some times down right dangerous.
I take my hat of to any one who can live with such a person I could never.

[~flower~]

 

  hi!  

[benchmstr]

  hi!  

whats up with yo phat ass

bench

[~flower~]

Personal experience, for most people they get better as they get older.  Whether that is because you are able to retrain your brain, or you learn to avoid "triggers" or situations, or a combo of both, I don't know.  There are varying degrees also.  Some people can't function in society minimally at best and only if highly medicated, others are highly functioning and it is mainly close personal relationships that see it.   Meds can help you deal but it really comes down to learning coping skills and making yourself think a different way.  DBT can be effective, but most people have to go through all 4 modules at least twice to grasp it.  Getting a therapist trained in DBT is a must.  Learning to THINK a different way than you have your whole life is very very difficult.   

Brixton, feel free to pm me if you would like, I am not on that often anymore but I get email notifications of pm's.  I can give you some 301.83 personal insight.   

[~flower~]

whats up with yo phat ass

bench

Finally saw a thread I had some expertise on!    

[~flower~]

Damn, I had a whole nother post and then it got wiped out!   

  Brixton, breaking up with her and trying to help her probably is not going to really help her.  You need to get her to a doc who can properly diagnose and treat her and stay out of her life for now.  Giving her any false hope that you will be in her life is going to keep setting off that rollercoaster. 

2 Books off the top of my head are "Walking on eggshells" and "I hate you, don't leave me".  I have a few more that are more indepth on the psych end off it, "New Hope for People with Borderline Personality Disorder", and "Imbroglio: Rising to the Challenges of Borderline Personality Disorder".  This last one I have tried many times to get through and have to stop because it triggers me.   

But she should really see someone before she goes labeling herself and getting worked up over that. 

All right, that's enough for me tonight on this!   

 

ps-  hi drkock!   

[Brixtonbulldog]

Damn, I had a whole nother post and then it got wiped out!   

  Brixton, breaking up with her and trying to help her probably is not going to really help her.  You need to get her to a doc who can properly diagnose and treat her and stay out of her life for now.  Giving her any false hope that you will be in her life is going to keep setting off that rollercoaster. 

2 Books off the top of my head are "Walking on eggshells" and "I hate you, don't leave me".  I have a few more that are more indepth on the psych end off it, "New Hope for People with Borderline Personality Disorder", and "Imbroglio: Rising to the Challenges of Borderline Personality Disorder".  This last one I have tried many times to get through and have to stop because it triggers me.   

But she should really see someone before she goes labeling herself and getting worked up over that. 

All right, that's enough for me tonight on this!   

 

ps-  hi drkock!   

Great ideas.  First, she was the one to break it off.  She said she "doesn't think she can handle the expectations of a relationship right now."  Sucks to be me.

We still talk several times a week and she recommended "I hate you, don't leave me" as well.  The "walking on eggshells" I have bought for myself on Amazon.

As far as therapy goes I think she's pretty close to starting it.  She just switched jobs and she's never had a lot of money so insurance doesn't start for another month or so.  She did say she found a therapist (or psych, can't remember) that she will hopefully be seeing soon.

This really blows but she's smart, I'm pretty compassionate, and there are still a lot of feelings between us.  I won't predict what will happen but she knows I'm there for her when she needs it.  Until then I'm not getting my hopes up and I'm trying to focus on other things.

[Brixtonbulldog]

Oh, and she wasn't the one to label herself that.  A therapist diagnosed it when she was 15.  Now the literature says that such a diagnosis should be withheld until adulthood but she's 21 now and it's pretty much proven to be dead on.

[xxxLinda]

Borderline Personality Disorder?  Sounds somewhat lame to me.  Here in England they call it Bi-Polar Disorder...

Well I think that's what you're talking about anyways.  Read Carrie Fishers novels:  she has nice names for her moods.




Also: the Unquiet Mind.  A great book.


I've always thought genius and feeling one's moods acutely was a wonderful thing.  I think you'd be daft to say bye bye and take the prozac instead.



here's a website:  new here in England, called Time to change.  Google it and read the forums.

They're trying to change society's view of people with mental health issues, those (1 in 4) of us who rant and rave but are often funnier than most.  It's sponsored by two mad Brit comedians, Stephen Fry and Ruby Wax, both of whom have come to the fore and pronounced that they are bi-polar (have uncontrollable moods) and are proud.


Trouble is, the website is full of totally sad victimized peoples droning on about how badly they've been treated.



Borderline Personality Disorder?  uh huh.

I'd sooner be called mad.

xL

[xxxLinda]

She said she "doesn't think she can handle the expectations of a relationship right now." 

that's not "BPD" or any of your new fangled diagnoses, that's typical Freud.  Everyone who isn't quite coping simply shuts down


xL

Contrary to everyone else who has posted on this topic, I would ask that you not cut her off from your life.  Perhaps you could let her down gently?  You could be there when she is ready to again face this big bad world? 

There's nothing worse than everyone waltzing off into their perfect worlds agreeing you're mental, being sent to re-hab >>>and not having anyone there to greet you when you come out.

Or..  perhaps the reverse.  Perhaps it would be best if you were not there.  Do not be there on the night someone calls the 999 and she needs to be taken away.  My theory is that if I'm alone there'll be noone to call the ambulance, so I'll make it another day.



Oh Flower?  in my experience it doesn't get better with age or time.  If things are not dealt with they fester.   If friends and family waltz off, it's too difficult.  Sadly Mr Bulldog's ladyfriend needs someone to talk to, to listen and to be there.

The physco-talking-helpers and Cognitive Behavioural Sciences people you can see about all of this are few and far between.


I've always said "I don't need a shrink 'cos I don't live in LA.  Or I don't need a shrink 'cos I have good friends to talk to.


& I'll stay away from the Lithium and Prozac. 

xxxL

[drkaje]

Linda,

Bipolar disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder aren't the same thing.

People who don't want to take their meds for whatever reason aren't relieved of responsibility just due to having chemical imbalances. At some point even the truest of friends will eventually run out of patience with those people. My criticism is when people don't take meds but are too 'out there' for realizing which behaviors sent everyone packing.

My warning to Brixton about the DNA was simple because there's a lot of genetics to these disorders.

No one being responsible to their own stuff is going to deal with an impaired person, on purpose. Brixton will probably do the wrong thing (for him) out of guilt and end up dealing with a lot of drama.

[xxxLinda]

too true.  you're right of course.  thank goodness I avoided marriages and especially children...


xL



but "borderline"?  come on !  what kind of diagnosis is that?  I couldn't bear being borderline, I'm an all or nothing kind of person !!!


>>all you need are a few good friends who understand you. 

this new drama with 1 in 4 being told they are a weirdo because they laugh and cry often is a mad new phenonemen.

[~flower~]

If you think Bi-Polar and BPD are the same thing, then please don't offer your "thoughts".   

With BPD people CAN get better as they get older especially if they have worked on it.  BPD is all about not having the coping skills that most people develop.  It's not that someone gets angry or sad, but the degree they go to and how long they can hold onto those feelings.  That is why I said to Brixton it could make it worse for her to get over the breakup if he is still actively in her life.  She could cling to any sign of kindness he gives her and take that as hope for the relationship and be broken up with over and over again.  But if she was the one to end it, then she already does cope with things pretty good and if he wants to be there as a friend, then he should be.   With BPD most things are viewed as black or white, no grey.  Today the person is the greatest, and the next day they can be the most horrible person on the face of the earth to someone with BPD. Any slight, imagined or real, can be blown so far out of proportion that soon every thing is thrown in there and it becomes a full blown crisis.   You have to actually retrain the way your brain thinks to cope with things.  It is like telling someone that you now have to not only call the sky green, but actually see it as green, it is very hard to do.  Your coping skills are developed as a child, the child has tantrums and gets easily frustrated when it doesn't get what it wants but as they get older they learn how to deal with those emotions more appropriately and move on.  For some reason with BPD learning how to cope with emotions doesn't happen in the brain, it is like you have no emotional skin.  But it seems like Brixton's friend here already has a good grip on what she has to do and is dealing with it, knowing is half the battle.  If you don't know that how you feel is not "the norm" then you never try to relearn your thinking process.   

In DBT therapy, which is usually done in a group setting, you learn the steps that most people do without thinking on how to deal with an emotion.  It really is hard because you not only have the feeling but you have to pick it apart and learn how your thought process should change to cope better.  That is why most people go through group DBT 2 times or more.  People can say "just deal with it and move on", but with BPD that is not that simple.  You can't let things go that easily and like drkock said, you can end up pushing people away who can't deal with it, you destroy relationships.   That's why there is so many books for family members of people with BPD and how they can both help the person and have their life too.  A person has to understand what it is like for the person with BPD, but still not let them run them over like a freight train.  BPD does not give you an excuse, but it should give you more understanding if the person is actually working on behavior coping skills. 

Brixton, she can look into the Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder by Marsha Linehan who pioneered DBT. There is a book and a workbook.   It really is better to work with a trained therapist in a group setting, but it might help her to see what the exercises are and the modules are.  I would hazard a guess that she is in the "highly functioning" category based on her awareness and her ability to say she can't have a relationship right now.   

Good luck to her, and don't listen to drkock, he is a pessimistic perfectionist who I could find a couple of axis' to label him with.  

[~flower~]

Oh, there has been some call to change the name of Borderline Personality Disorder because it doesn't really describe it, but no consensus has been reached. I do agree with my good friend Linda  that Borderline? what the heck is being "borderline"  I was told that when I was 17 and brushed it off because it was never explained to me and never therapeutically properly treated (and I could actually be diagnosed that young or younger because you have to exhibit it for at least a year and I can go back to my very early childhood and give examples now that I know).  15 years or so later I finally figured it out and lost all those years when I could have been more proactive instead of dealing with life the way I had been, knowing really IS half the battle. 

Brixton, I hope your friend realizes she has the opportunity to not go down some paths because she does have the power of knowledge on her side.  I can only imagine what different paths I would have chosen or done if I had been correctly treated.  Oh well, that's life!   

[Migs]

Oh, there has been some call to change the name of Borderline Personality Disorder because it doesn't really describe it, but no consensus has been reached. I do agree with my good friend Linda  that Borderline? what the heck is being "borderline"  I was told that when I was 17 and brushed it off because it was never explained to me and never therapeutically properly treated (and I could actually be diagnosed that young or younger because you have to exhibit it for at least a year and I can go back to my very early childhood and give examples now that I know).  15 years or so later I finally figured it out and lost all those years when I could have been more proactive instead of dealing with life the way I had been, knowing really IS half the battle. 

Brixton, I hope your friend realizes she has the opportunity to not go down some paths because she does have the power of knowledge on her side.  I can only imagine what different paths I would have chosen or done if I had been correctly treated.  Oh well, that's life!   

you have the pin, don't you?

 

[~flower~]

you have the pin, don't you?

 

took me a second, but I got that!  Now you know why it is TEAL.  

[Migs]

took me a second, but I got that!  Now you know why it is TEAL.  

hehe   

[xxxLinda]

oops, sorry, wrong again...


Mistake to claim that things don't get better with age and time.  Obviously they can do.  If you have someone to talk to who understands and loves you - just as you are, here and now and today - and more importantly if you are able to understand yourself and accept that your mind works a bit differently from most ?


What I meant was that if not treated properly, mental health issues will balloon and perhaps one day pop.  That is why I said that it would be best if Mr Bulldog were to not dump his ex on the big heap upon which many people land.

You are so right to advise that he bow out gently, it would be best all round.  Your ex is doing you a huge favour and I'm amazed at her awareness.  Others would get clingy.


I was just slightly miffed at the 3rd response he received where he was told to run the other way and be thankful he'd not knocked her up.  Which was, looking back, totally appropriate and very funny...


Don't understand pin (is that the pin to burst the bubble or is that your personal identification number?) doesn't matter, lost in translation.


Sorry.  I was wrong and am very obviously unable to distinguish between the many BPD's we are nowadays told exist and are diagnosed with.  I was told I was hyper when young and I'd slam the table with my fist and say "But I'm not being over dramatic!"  I thought that was funny but it pissed people right off.  Took years to understand that my mind is simply just full of too many things...

I self diagnosed and self-medicated.  Grass was my chosen calm-down option.  You don't wanna even imagine me on coke !  But I tried everything, irregardless.


It's about self awareness, not self esteem.  I'm used to being bullied and I'm used to being let down.  But I no longer take it personally, I now accept that others simply don't have time or don't understand or perhaps don't want to be bothered.  That's fine.


Your ex has done you a huge favour and you must bow out graciously. 

I don't know.  I didn't have huge family or childhood issues, I led a blissful life.  I have no clue how come my brain is wired differently.  I think I'm okay and I know I'm fun when I'm in the right mood.  When I'm not, I stay home and listen to mad music and google and mess around on the internet and leave everyone alone.


It didn't help though when I was very much let down by someone I truly cared for.  Took me a while to get over it... 


But as ~flower~ knowingly says, That's Life.  I wouldn't change mine one iota.

This life is fantastic. 

More so, I think, for peeps (slang for folk?) like me.  It's intense and it's truly wonderful.


with mad love,
xxxL




Sinatra sang:

"That's life, that's what all the people say.
You're riding high in April,
Shot down in May
But I know I'm gonna change that tune,
When I'm back on top, back on top in June.

I said that's life, and as funny as it may seem
Some people get their kicks,
Stompin' on a dream
But I don't let it, let it get me down,
'Cause this fine ol' world it keeps spinning around

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn and a king.
I've been up and down and over and out
And I know one thing:
Each time I find myself, flat on my face,
I pick myself up and get back in the race.

That's life
I tell ya, I can't deny it,
I thought of quitting baby,
But my heart just ain't gonna buy it.
And if I didn't think it was worth one single try,
I'd jump right on a big bird and then I'd fly

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn and a king.
I've been up and down and over and out
And I know one thing:
Each time I find myself laying flat on my face,
I just pick myself up and get back in the race

That's life
That's life and I can't deny it
Many times I thought of cutting out
But my heart won't buy it
But if there's nothing shakin' come this here july
I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die
My, My

[drkaje]

oops, sorry, wrong again...


Mistake to claim that things don't get better with age and time.  Obviously they can do.  If you have someone to talk to who understands and loves you - just as you are, here and now and today - and more importantly if you are able to understand yourself and accept that your mind works a bit differently from most ?


What I meant was that if not treated properly, mental health issues will balloon and perhaps one day pop.  That is why I said that it would be best if Mr Bay were to not dump his ex on the big heap upon which many people land.

You are so right to advise that he bow out gently, it would be best all round.  Your ex is doing you a huge favour and I'm amazed at her awareness.  Others would get clingy.


I was just slightly miffed at one of the first responses he received where he was told to run the other way and be thankful he'd not knocked her up.  Which was, looking back, totally appropriate and very funny...


Don't understand pin (is that the pin to burst the bubble or is that your personal identification number?) doesn't matter, lost in translation.


Sorry.  I was wrong and am very obviously unable to distinguish between the many BPD's we are nowadays told exist and are diagnosed with.  I was told I was hyper when young and I'd slam the table with my fist and say "But I'm not being over dramatic!"  I thought that was funny but it pissed people right off.  Took years to understand that my mind is simply just full of too many things...

I self diagnosed and self-medicated.  Grass was my chosen calm-down option.  You don't wanna even imagine me on coke !  But I tried everything, irregardless.


It's about self awareness, not self esteem.  I'm used to being bullied and I'm used to being let down.  But I no longer take it personally, I now accept that others simply don't have time or don't understand or perhaps don't want to be bothered.  That's fine.


Your ex has done you a huge favour and you must bow out graciously. 

I don't know.  I didn't have huge family or childhood issues, I led a blissful life.  I have no clue how come my brain is wired differently.  I think I'm okay and I know I'm fun when I'm in the right mood.  When I'm not, I stay home and listen to mad music and google and mess around on the internet and leave everyone alone.


It didn't help though when I was very much let down by someone I truly cared for.  Took me a while to get over it... 


But as ~flower~ knowingly says, That's Life.  I wouldn't change mine one iota.

This life is fantastic. 

More so, I think, for peeps (slang for folk?) like me.  It's intense and it's truly wonderful.


with mad love,
xxxL

To quote Tina; "What's love got to do with it?"

Loving, hanging out with or showing compassion to a disabled person is fine. The reality is that their issue (whatever it is) typically can monopolize all of your time and energy making any normalcy impossible, especially if they aren't properly/consistently medicated. The downside to meds is that they work. There are too many cases where people miss the 'edge', 'ups and downs' so living as a normal, typical person is just to darned boring, LOL!

I'm a huge fan of CBT but only in cases where the issue is a case of wrong thinking as opposed to chemical imbalance or faulty receptors. I pretty much view it like any other disease.

If someone was a diabetic very few of us would say "Just love them more and skip the insulin!". For some strange cultural/social reason we don't like to admit friends, family or ourselves have chemical issues until it's too late.

I applaud Brixton's ex for getting help. There's really just no good reason for him to be overly involved in her business at this point, especially considering he'll probably be dating someone else soon and no one needs to do with extra drama on purpose.

[xxxLinda]

gonna google Tina, thanks !

[xxxLinda]

a disabled person

trouble is we don't look - nor are - disabled and I refuse to be called as such.  we just think faster.

in fact we are far more enabled than most...



Anyways, you're right.  noone expects needs or wants a moody or mental girlfriend

given the choice, you'd prefer the low-IQ daft dyed-blonde with fake boobs type, surely?




madly,
xxxL