Widening Petraeus Scandal Reveals...

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Widening Petraeus Scandal Reveals Human Race Has Been Having Sex For 200,000 Years
NOVEMBER 13, 2012 | ISSUE 48•46 | MORE NEWS



WASHINGTON—Following the recent revelation that former CIA director David Petraeus conducted a protracted extramarital affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell, sources confirmed today that the far-reaching scandal has widened to reveal that mankind, otherwise known as the species Homo sapiens, has been engaging in sexual intercourse for the past 200,000 years.

“While the situation appeared at first to be limited to this one sexual relationship between Gen. Petraeus and Ms. Broadwell, we see now that it is far more extensive than we had initially believed,” said an FBI official who spoke on condition of anonymity due to the ongoing investigation. “Indeed, evidence shows Gen. Petraeus is, in fact, just one of literally billions of human beings who we now believe have on numerous occasions engaged in sexual intercourse over the last several hundred millennia.”

“No matter how far back we go, we just continue to find more and more corroborating proof of people having sex,” the official added. “There’s simply no end in sight.”

Officials were reportedly first alerted to the allegations after the discovery of thousands of documents this week, including e-mails, letters, and photographs, which led them to believe that millions of other people beyond Gen. Petraeus have been having sex since perhaps the middle Paleolithic period, and continue to have sex today in various partnerships and in all 196 countries worldwide.

A further investigation into the matter then revealed not only that people have been frequently engaging in sex throughout modern history, but also that they have been doing so at least since the first precursors to modern humans gained the ability to walk upright, and that sexual intercourse is a natural biological function that may indeed be widespread and prevalent throughout all human eras.

“The scope of this scandal is simply astonishing—there is currently enough evidence to implicate individuals from every part of the world, even dating back before the creation of modern international states,” said one source close to the investigation, adding that the FBI has collected millions of first-person accounts of people who have either had sex themselves or witnessed others performing sexual acts. “There are even thousands of hours of video evidence that cyber-security experts in D.C. and Langley have managed to find on the Internet.”

“The real question is, ‘Who knew about this? And for how long?’” the anonymous source added.

According to reports, a comprehensive global probe jointly conducted by the FBI and CIA also revealed that, in addition to Gen. Petraeus, others alleged to have had sex in the past include Leon Panetta, Condoleezza Rice, Ben Bernanke, George Stephanopoulos, John Lennon, Charlotte Brontë, Jack Nicholson, William Shakespeare, Andre Agassi, Plato, Ulysses S. Grant, Queen Elizabeth II, Ted Avery of Dayton, OH, George Washington, Karen Avery of Dayton, OH, every past and present member of the band Chicago, Sir Isaac Newton, Bill Gates, Andie MacDowell, Benjamin Franklin, Leonardo da Vinci, Vince Lombardi, and Adolf Hitler.

“A closer look at the evidence indicates that even the earliest primates engaged in acts of sexual intercourse,” said Dr. Jacob Reynolds, a historian at the University of North Carolina. “We have even discovered lewd depictions engraved on stone tablets dating all the way back to 10,000 BC in what is now modern-day Turkey. But it is very possible that this controversy stretches back farther than any of our historical records.”

Reynolds confirmed that in addition to human beings, many well-known animals are also thought to have engaged in sexual activity, including millions of bears, sheep, goats, and even numerous fish and insect species.

Furthermore, sources indicated that sexual activity may extend all the way to the White House.

While the full extent of the investigation is not known at this time, sources said the FBI will likely continue looking into the matter until “everyone and everything involved in this matter is brought to light.”

At press time, officials estimated that roughly 15,000 human beings are having sex at this exact moment.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/widening-petraeus-scandal-reveals-human-race-has-b,30368/

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FBI discovers classified Pentagon files on computer of Petraeus’ mistress

Published: 14 November, 2012, 23:18


(Reuters/ISAF/Handout)

The focus of the investigation into retired Army Gen. David Petraeus’ affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell is quickly dissolving away from a Beltway sex scandal as a probe begins to determine how his mistress obtained classified military files.
Investigators with the cybercrime unit of the Tampa, Florida FBI field office are now combing through personal computers of Broadwell in hopes of learning more about any sensitive Pentagon documents she had in her possession.

Sources close to the matter believe that Broadwell’s admitted affair with Gen. Petraeus, the impetus in his unexpected resignation from the Central Intelligence Agency, has nothing to do with classified documents found on her computer. When the FBI first became aware of their affair earlier this year, Broadwell voluntarily handed over personal computers to investigators weeks before the details of their illicit relationship became public. Officials speaking to the Wall Street Journal say that the initial discovery brought up “new concerns” over why and how she obtained those files, a fact that is only now being compounded after the FBI removed other materials from her North Carolina home Monday night.

Both the general and his former mistress deny that Petraeus provided her with the documents in question, sources tell The Washington Post. As investigators attempt to get to the bottom of a scandal that seems to only broaden by the day, however, authorities are eager to identify what, if any, threat could be on hand.

“The issue of national security is still on the table,” one US law enforcement official speaking on condition of anonymity tells the Washington Post this week.

What exactly Broadwell may or may not know has become an issue in the days since her relationship with the general was exposed last week. As RT reported earlier, an address from Broadwell delivered just last month in Denver, Colorado alleged that the CIA detained Libyan insurgents at a prison cell in the US consulate building in Libya that was stormed during a terrorist attack on September 11 of this year. The CIA has since shot down those allegations and insist that no elusive prisons are being managed overseas. Gen. Petraeus is likely to be quizzed on the matter himself this week, though, after being called to testify before a Congressional hearing on the events of Sept. 11 scheduled to begin this Thursday despite having since resigned from his role.

“The CIA doesn't hold prisoners, they don't have any authority to hold prisoners. As far as I know they did not have any there,” Republican Sen. Saxby Chambliss tells the Daily Beast this week. The lawmaker adds, however, that representatives on Capitol Hill have yet to receive the CIA’s account of the terrorist attack.

US President Barack Obama responded publically to the affair for the first time Wednesday afternoon, weighing in from the White House after being asked to assure the American people that the scandal has at any point threatened national security.

“Well, I have no evidence at this point, from what I’ve seen, that classified information was disclosed that in any way would have had a negative impact on our national security,” the president told reporters.

Responding to a separate question about his thoughts on the handling of the investigation, Pres. Obama said he is “withholding judgment with respect to how the entire process surrounding Gen. Petraeus came up.”

“We don’t have all the information yet, but I want to say that I have a lot of confidence generally in the FBI and they have a difficult job. So I’m going to wait and see,” he said.

Before becoming the general’s biographer, Broadwell held a position as a reserve Army major in military intelligence and was given high-security clearances. Investigators will also have to weigh if she violated that access by perhaps obtaining sensitive files after her clearance was expired. So far, however, the FBI has concluded that the initial computer handed over at the beginning of the investigation suggested that there was no breach at that time.