Dear Diary: a place for fleeting thoughts and daily ponderings.

[Primemuscle]

I got fingered today. I was expecting the process to be so emasculating that I'd need to chop down a tree or challenge a man to a duel afterwards, but thankfully the doctor was a slender old woman who made the procedure rather painless. My prostate is fine and I likely just have an overactive bladder. Still - any man or woman who goes near a man's ass for sexual pleasure is a complete and utter freak. Disgusting. How the fuck did Stuntmovie manage to get finger-blasted by a male doctor and end up ejaculating? Something went monumentally wrong in that scenario.

As for my gay spine, there's not much that can be done at this point other than more physio. I did get a script for diazepam, though, which is awesome.

https://www.webmd.com/sex/prostate-orgasm-what-it-is

[Humble Narcissist]

Couldn't even look her in the eyes afterwards.

It would have been much worse if the doctor was a dude.

[Phantom Spunker]

I would 100% eat a human being if they consented to it. I'd also probably eat enemies in a time of war if it wasn't frowned upon. I see no moral reason why people should not be allowed to donate their bodies to the meat industry when they die.

[Phantom Spunker]

https://www.webmd.com/sex/prostate-orgasm-what-it-is

Amazing. Thanks, Prime. That's so weird: when I woke up this morning I was really hoping a pensioner would link me something gay.

[Phantom Spunker]

I've woken up today with a raging, murderous, but rather hazy fury at the world and the absurdity of life in general. I could attempt to pacify these unwelcome conclusions with early-morning exercise, but today I'm opting for red wine, a little codeine pill, Debussy, and my world-class scrambled eggs with poached yolk surprise. How decadent.

[Phantom Spunker]

My appreciation for Miley Cyrus continues to grow. I feel like she and I would be great friends.

[AbrahamG]

Amazing. Thanks, Prime. That's so weird: when I woke up this morning I was really hoping a pensioner would link me something gay.

If Prime was really a friend he'd have forwarded you Matt's jerk off video.

[chaos]

I would 100% eat a human being if they consented to it. I'd also probably eat enemies in a time of war if it wasn't frowned upon. I see no moral reason why people should not be allowed to donate their bodies to the meat industry when they die.

Any situation that would require me to eat people, would not require their consent.

[Phantom Spunker]

Any situation that would require me to eat people, would not require their consent.

Welcome, old bean. I'd love to murder and eat an annoying Chinese man in a survival situation - but I was first thinking about it after I once walked over a landmine that didn't go off. If it did, I'd have liked to have had my leg preserved and then prepared by a chef for everyone to sample.

If Prime was really a friend he'd have forwarded you Matt's jerk off video.

It makes me laugh how Prime pretended that he wasn't happy about being sent it, lol. There's no way he wasn't over the moon. I can picture him feigning disgust and being like 'uugh, sick, I simply can't look!' while staring at it like a hypnotized chicken.

If a woman sent me a video of her frigging herself silly, the strongest emotion I might feel is mild amusement if she was a pig. 

[Phantom Spunker]

Christmas Eve dicks all over Christmas Day. So much better. Feeling very nostalgic listening to one of the old GOAT singers while eating Ferrero Rocher and drinking coffee for breakfast.

[Phantom Spunker]

After an edifying exchange of thoughts with a woman, I've been forced to admit that my previous hypothesis suggesting that all adult females would secretly enjoy being flashed at by a very attractive male was wrong.

This did, however, after more detailed discussions, lead me to my newest prediction that there are observable differences in the brains of obese women when compared against their sylphlike, XX-chromosomed betters.

Specifically, what I would like to do is shove a bunch of fatties (along with a control group) into MRI machines in order to uncover a structural basis for their appalling lack of self control. I predict that when the fatties are shown an array of images, e.g. a giant Toblerone, Dolph Lungren in his prime, a jug of clarified butter, various erect penises, etc., we will observe abnormal neural activity in various regions of their brains and these women will become uncontrollably aroused.

It has long been speculated that the average chubster is physically incapable of turning their nose up at either a sugary treat or a good-looking man's penis. I intend to prove it scientifically.

[Phantom Spunker]

Inspired by the magnanimous Colonel Hans Landa, I decided to attempt apple strudel for breakfast. Came out awesome. I could honestly shag myself sometimes.

[Phantom Spunker]

God, this woman is a work of art:

[Phantom Spunker]

Holy fuck. I'm officially a basement-dwelling, mouth-breathing cyberbully, according to YouTube, lol:

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'Protect the community'  . I've never consistently posted anything on the same channel, and certainly never 'cyberbullied' anyone (aside from slagging off that little fanny 'Daily Dose of Internet' guy a few times. I literally just occasionally post joking comments and shit puns, lol. This is an outrage. I'm contacting Harley.

[Humble Narcissist]

God, this woman is a work of art:

Very beautiful woman.

[Phantom Spunker]

After all of his recent religious ramblings, and in fearing for his health, I've decided to immortalize Shizzo in poem. I hope this creative streak continues so that I can pay tribute to Goodrum or Prime next, as well as continue Getbig's Uranus Space Mission.

Shizzo's Sonnet

He sits in night-time’s contemplative black,
Abandoned and unable to abstain,
His bloated body like a half-filled sack,
His mind a mess of vapid thoughts and shame;
When considering his own fate so cruel,
He is confronted with the question ‘why?’
Why must all men endure God’s callous rule,
To live, but for a moment, and then die;
In days before he turned to Holy Writ,
In atonement for his life of error,
But knowing now it’s all a load of shit,
It brings not peace, but sobering terror;
Before Shaun leaves us for life hereafter,
I preserve him now for Getbig’s laughter.

[Phantom Spunker]

Oh Lord, I'm out of coffee. I can't move, I can't think, I have a dull headache threatening me. I feel like I've been spiked (again). I must find the energy to go and buy more before I perish.

[Humble Narcissist]

Oh Lord, I'm out of coffee. I can't move, I can't think, I have a dull headache threatening me. I feel like I've been spiked (again). I must find the energy to go and buy more before I perish.

Always stock up on necessities like coffee and toilet paper.

[Phantom Spunker]

Always stock up on necessities like coffee and toilet paper.

Words of wisdom. I always do when I'm away, but this one is getting blamed on my girlfriend. She shall be punished.

[Phantom Spunker]

I'm investing in a fishing rod and I'm going to catch my own fish. Actually, I don't think I will. I really need to make some big changes to my diet this year. Stomach is always fucked. I'm very fortunate to never get fat, but I'm clearly paying the price internally these days. I'm going to start carb cycling soon. I used to be religious with my diet when I had a purpose; now I'm just being lazy.

[Phantom Spunker]

Did a great, fast-paced run through the woods last night. I love night-time running to help clarify thoughts and focus the mind. Thankfully it has a path so there was minimal chance of decking it and breaking my ankle.

[Phantom Spunker]

Ah, fuck. Fuck sake. I've got to do mandatory bloods and it includes checking for the gay rabies. I can't breath. Fuck this. I know I'm going to get outed as an AIDS mong. I'm going to have a few drinks this morning.

[Phantom Spunker]

Some great tunes I've been constantly blasting on Spotify as I create culinary masterpieces in my kitchen:

[Phantom Spunker]

Je-sus Christ. I may have found perfection:

[Phantom Spunker]

The frail and fragile bars containing my bestial desire to sexually conquer every hot woman on Earth are now reinforced with mind-forged steel. I accept that I must overcome these impulses through reason rather than wait to eventually be humbled by the hand of Father Time, haggard and alone, spending my final years surrounded by pigeons that I’ve befriended.

This is, I hasten to add, not a calculated decision designed to maximize the happiness of my future self, but a recognition of love and a respect for the responsibility that it demands. It’s been a good run. It’s been a great run, but I am done. I must accept this. I’ve always suspected that I’m not long for this world, but monogamy now at least gives me a reason to embrace the idea of an early exit. Happy memories for them; no more torment for me.