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Getbig Female Info Boards => Open Talk for Girl Discussion => Topic started by: Migs on March 04, 2009, 01:32:51 PM

Title: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on March 04, 2009, 01:32:51 PM: Today I was at a local bank cashing a check.
A man in a black hooded sweatshirt came in with a gun and held up the bank and recieved a large sum of cash. He was on his way out when the Mississippi Highway Patrol came in to arrest him. The man said to the troopers " I didn't rob any bank, just watch" The robber went to the man standing beside me and asked " did i rob this bank" the man replied yes. The robber pulled his gun and shot the guy dead. He went to the next guy and asked " did I rob this bank?" the man replied " yes." The robber shot that guy dead in his track. The robber walked up to me and asked " sir, did you see me rob this bank." I replied no but my wife did", and stepped to the side.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on March 06, 2009, 05:23:24 PM: Joe was moderately successful in his career,
but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible
headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to
suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came
across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure
your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You
have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press
against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one heck of a
headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the
testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had
no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the
street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could
make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I
need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd
like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see,...
34 sleeve and...16 and a half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the
collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about
new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!" The salesman eyed Joe's feet and
said, "Let's see...9 and a half wide."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . . 7 5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked,

"How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said,
"Sure!"

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and
said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34
since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head and said, "You
can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the
base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache!"
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on March 09, 2009, 09:39:13 AM: The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine ,and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on March 09, 2009, 06:13:54 PM: not a giggle or a chuckle. hrmph, you guys are heartless
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Butterbean on March 11, 2009, 09:56:07 AM: chuckle

Subject: The Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on March 11, 2009, 01:11:36 PM: Thanks Stella :-\

Male/female Dictionary

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WANTS AND NEEDS (wontz and needz) n.
Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical
and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled
in a relationship.
Male: Food, sex and beer.

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n.
Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from
rising to the upper levels in business.
Male: What would really be great at work since that
hot babe took over the office one flight up.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to
another.
Male: Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings
with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking
off for a weekend with the guys.

BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing
manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: The organ of mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out
with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything with one ball, two beers or three
stooges.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple
can achieve.
Male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women
to boink.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to
another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels
every 2 minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v.
Female: Something you do frequently to whatever
you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
Male: Something you must do to anything you think has
gone bad prior to tossing it out.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: w8m8 on March 12, 2009, 05:26:09 AM: ;D
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Butterbean on March 12, 2009, 06:06:31 AM: ;D
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: w8m8 on March 12, 2009, 06:33:08 AM: (http://i46.photobucket.com/albums/f116/Karmalot/3.jpg)
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on March 12, 2009, 06:46:22 AM: New Orleans Crabs.....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs

and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, mentioning that he was a lawyer, and proceeded
to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his attitude.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New
Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some men think.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on March 16, 2009, 01:02:28 PM: True Doctor Stories

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's --dress,
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were
several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths," I
instructed. Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a "massive internal fart."
--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right
eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested. There was silence. He
couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered
that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both
his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. "Which one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put
on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include
removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered,
"Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your
breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't
seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing
female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously
formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was
performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed
him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I
tickling you? She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling
was - "'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
--won't admit his name
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Geo on March 16, 2009, 10:24:01 PM: Quote from: STella on March 11, 2009, 09:56:07 AM

Women blink twice as often as men.

blinking is the bodys natural reaction when the brains thought process comes to a grinding halt
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on March 17, 2009, 05:11:43 PM: Why Dogs Are Better than Women

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs understand that you are their master.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs think you sing great.

Dogs understand that farts are funny.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs don't want to know about every other pet you've had.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

A dog's parents never visit.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs like it when you leave the toilet seat up.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Princess L on March 17, 2009, 08:46:30 PM: Fixed
Quote from: Migs on March 17, 2009, 05:11:43 PM
Why Dogs Are Better than ~~Women~~ MEN

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs understand that you are their master.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs think you sing great.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

Dogs don't mind when you shop.

Dogs don't want to know about every other pet you've had.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs ask for directions.

A dog's parents never visit.

The later you are from shopping, the more excited dogs are to see you.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.

Dogs don't criticize your friends.

Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and then never laugh at how you throw).

Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.

Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.

You can train a dog.

Dogs understand what "no" means.

Dogs think you are a culinary genius.

You can house train a dog

Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.

Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.

Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.

Dogs take care of their own needs.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Butterbean on March 18, 2009, 10:26:16 AM: Quote from: Princess L on March 17, 2009, 08:46:30 PM
Fixed

;D
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Butterbean on March 18, 2009, 10:27:10 AM: Quote from: Geo on March 16, 2009, 10:24:01 PM
blinking is the bodys natural reaction when the brains thought process comes to a grinding halt
:-[
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Original Sin on March 18, 2009, 01:01:40 PM: Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick.

Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.

When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex.

That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great.

I be at work soon.........You got nice house'.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Butterbean on March 18, 2009, 02:16:39 PM: haha didn't see that one coming ;D
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on March 18, 2009, 07:36:28 PM: Quote from: STella on March 18, 2009, 02:16:39 PM
haha didn't see that one coming ;D

His wife probably did, lol
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on March 18, 2009, 08:19:37 PM: Banned from Wal-Mart

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Sincerely,

Wal-Mart
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: leonp1981 on March 18, 2009, 08:32:17 PM: Quote from: Migs on March 18, 2009, 08:19:37 PM
Banned from Wal-Mart

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Sincerely,

Wal-Mart

Hahahahah!! Genius! That's brought a tear to my eye!
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Butterbean on March 19, 2009, 06:22:53 AM: Quote from: Migs on March 18, 2009, 08:19:37 PM

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

;D
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Hustle Man on March 19, 2009, 07:18:53 AM: Hahaha
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on March 20, 2009, 07:34:57 PM: no funnies today
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Butterbean on March 21, 2009, 11:55:20 AM: Quote from: Migs on March 20, 2009, 07:34:57 PM
no funnies today

:(

:D ?
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Original Sin on March 21, 2009, 06:33:55 PM: Quote from: STella on March 21, 2009, 11:55:20 AM
:(

:D ?

That's awesome!! ;D ;D
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Butterbean on March 21, 2009, 06:54:45 PM: Quote from: Original Sin on March 21, 2009, 06:33:55 PM
That's awesome!! ;D ;D
;D !!!
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: 24KT on March 21, 2009, 09:36:22 PM: Quote from: Migs on March 18, 2009, 08:19:37 PM

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

This, I've actually done. ;D
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on March 22, 2009, 05:16:26 PM: I rather have the ability to turn back the clock.

sorry, but no funnies from me for a while.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Original Sin on March 23, 2009, 05:22:15 PM: Quote from: Migs on March 22, 2009, 05:16:26 PM
I rather have the ability to turn back the clock.

sorry, but no funnies from me for a while.

Something not right Migs sweetie?
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on March 23, 2009, 06:38:52 PM: Quote from: Original Sin on March 23, 2009, 05:22:15 PM
Something not right Migs sweetie?

tons, but the biggest was losing some one very dear to me, becuase I am an idiot. Needles to say, I haven't found anything funny or pleasurable since i found something out.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Original Sin on March 23, 2009, 07:01:15 PM: Quote from: Migs on March 23, 2009, 06:38:52 PM
tons, but the biggest was losing some one very dear to me, becuase I am an idiot. Needles to say, I haven't found anything funny or pleasurable since i found something out.

My advice to you dear is not to look turn the clocks back but embrace the future as an old enemy and challenge it and win!
What little I have seen of you on here I would be proud to call you friend.

A quote I heard somewhere (I can't remember)
In this Galaxy there is a thousand planets like earth and in the universe a million times that
and in all that there is only one of any of us.
Don't destroy the one named Migs.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on March 23, 2009, 07:14:45 PM: Quote from: Original Sin on March 23, 2009, 07:01:15 PM
My advice to you dear is not to look turn the clocks back but embrace the future as an old enemy and challenge it and win!
What little I have seen of you on here I would be proud to call you friend.

A quote I heard somewhere (I can't remember)
In this Galaxy there is a thousand planets like earth and in the universe a million times that
and in all that there is only one of any of us.
Don't destroy the one named Migs.

the problem with that is that the future i want is seeded in the past. Not much I have to look forward to in the future. Thank you for the friend comment.
the part of me that hoped is gone. Now it's muddle through the day and expect nothing from myself.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Original Sin on March 23, 2009, 07:34:40 PM: Quote from: Migs on March 23, 2009, 07:14:45 PM
the problem with that is that the future i want is seeded in the past. Not much I have to look forward to in the future. Thank you for the friend comment.
the part of me that hoped is gone. Now it's muddle through the day and expect nothing from myself.

I understand all to clearly my sweet. Take my advice as I have had far too many broken hearts in one life time.
Time truly does heal all wounds. I know your are intelligent enough too know all of this so please forgive me as I don't wish to come off as superficial
but what I have seen of you is worthy of far greater things than I. There is a time for dark thoughts and they are needed and have their purpose
but try to find what made you, YOU - before her. Find what interests intrigued you back then and use then as true passions today.

I know my words sound hollow and pain is true and real and I really wish I could do more, but you hold the answers and they will become clearer and more pleasant. Challenge the future! Take those obstacles that we all have and destroy them. Focus on that and eventually the past will be seen as your gateway to a better future.

Trust me, I have lived this, several times, and a million tears.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on March 23, 2009, 07:52:19 PM: Quote from: Original Sin on March 23, 2009, 07:34:40 PM
I understand all to clearly my sweet. Take my advice as I have had far too many broken hearts in one life time.
Time truly does heal all wounds. I know your are intelligent enough too know all of this so please forgive me as I don't wish to come off as superficial
but what I have seen of you is worthy of far greater things than I. There is a time for dark thoughts and they are needed and have their purpose
but try to find what made you, YOU - before her. Find what interests intrigued you back then and use then as true passions today.

I know my words sound hollow and pain is true and real and I really wish I could do more, but you hold the answers and they will become clearer and more pleasant. Challenge the future! Take those obstacles that we all have and destroy them. Focus on that and eventually the past will be seen as your gateway to a better future.

Trust me, I have lived this, several times, and a million tears.

I'm not worthy of much greater things than anyone else. I've come to realize that no matter if you try to be a good person and help others, or love some one deeply, it boils down to 2 basic things. Some people are born to be winners and happy, and some people are born to lose and hurt. I am not the winning type. Over the last 6 months i've lost my job, lost my savings, lost money in my investments (all these I can live with and could care less), lost the woman I love (this is the one that hurts the most and don't want to live with). as far as shedding millions of tears, I shed over the last few days, to the point my eyes are sore, voice cracks when i speak and go through bouts of agonizing pain and the feeling of not being able to breathe. I'm sure others have felt this and moved on. I lost my "one." I have myself to blame. I thank you for your words, they aren't hollow.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Original Sin on March 23, 2009, 07:58:30 PM: I have no other words to offer that will help what you feel and I am sorry for that.

I only see such a tiny portion of you from Getbig and I like all that I have seen.
The entire picture must be a masterpiece!

Just know this...

I truly care!
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on March 23, 2009, 08:04:24 PM: thank you, and if by masterpeice you mean something from the rubenesque period, then yeah i'm a fatty. seld deprication comes easily. any way, i think i hijacked my own funnies thread by talking about everything else.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Original Sin on March 23, 2009, 08:21:06 PM: Just to get us back on topic...

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

________________________ ________________________ ________________________ ________________________ _________

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Original Sin on March 25, 2009, 07:38:47 AM: An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Hustle Man on April 01, 2009, 07:54:30 AM: A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.

He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few
seconds, then it comes crashing back to earth. He tries this a few
more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering
to herself how men need to be told how to do everything, she opens
the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up
your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Original Sin on April 02, 2009, 02:15:08 PM: The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Hustle Man on April 09, 2009, 08:55:07 AM: Funny!
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: SamoanIrishman on April 09, 2009, 09:26:47 AM: Quote from: Migs on March 18, 2009, 08:19:37 PM

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

I think I might have to do the alarm clock one..it would be childish but amusing

When I go to pick up my new handgun at a local sporting goods store...I'm gonna ask a form of this question to the clerk...just to see if she catches on.

I wasn't voted class clown for nothing.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: 24KT on April 09, 2009, 12:25:09 PM: Quote from: SamoanIrishman on April 09, 2009, 09:26:47 AM
I think I might have to do the alarm clock one..it would be childish but amusing

You gotta do it! It is sooooo childish, ...but you'll get such a kick out it,
...especially if someone happens to be walking by. Watching them jump 6 feet in the air always cracks me up. ;D

Quote
When I go to pick up my new handgun at a local sporting goods store...I'm gonna ask a form of this question to the clerk...just to see if she catches on.

:-X

Quote
I wasn't voted class clown for nothing.

Let us know what happens. :)
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on April 09, 2009, 12:33:02 PM: why the :-X face jaggie?

guns rock!
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Butterbean on April 09, 2009, 02:20:01 PM: Quote from: SamoanIrishman on April 09, 2009, 09:26:47 AM

I wasn't voted class clown for nothing.

I wonder if the majority of the posters on getbig were considered class clowns :D
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: SamoanIrishman on April 09, 2009, 02:48:44 PM: Quote from: STella on April 09, 2009, 02:20:01 PM
I wonder if the majority of the posters on getbig were considered class clowns :D

some were..and some are...but, ass clowns don't count.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Butterbean on April 09, 2009, 02:57:25 PM: Quote from: SamoanIrishman on April 09, 2009, 02:48:44 PM
some were..and some are...but, ass clowns don't count.
;D
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on April 09, 2009, 02:59:16 PM: i was always the funny one in my class. my math teacher said i should go into comedy. I always had him cracking up.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: SamoanIrishman on April 09, 2009, 03:51:03 PM: Quote from: Migs on April 09, 2009, 02:59:16 PM
i was always the funny one in my class. my math teacher said i should go into comedy. I always had him cracking up.

I don't know about laughing...but your avatar brings a smile to my face ;D

It reminds me of this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zf80jYNg8Og (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zf80jYNg8Og)
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: 24KT on April 09, 2009, 05:33:38 PM: Quote from: SamoanIrishman on April 09, 2009, 03:51:03 PM
I don't know about laughing...but your avatar brings a smile to my face ;D

It reminds me of this...

Rodney Carrington is hilarious!!!

the man's song

the woman's song
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on April 09, 2009, 10:23:11 PM: rodney carrington is hilarious
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: 24KT on April 09, 2009, 10:48:49 PM: Quote from: Migs on April 09, 2009, 10:23:11 PM
rodney carrington is hilarious

I just said that, ...sheesh... try to keep up! ::)
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on April 10, 2009, 07:22:41 AM: don't make me take you to the back of the mall and give you a mushroom bruise, m'kay.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: 24KT on April 10, 2009, 12:43:25 PM: Quote from: Migs on April 10, 2009, 07:22:41 AM
don't make me take you to the back of the mall and give you a mushroom bruise, m'kay.

(http://www.jaguarenterprises.net/images/Sherlock-02.jpg)

First I'd have to find it before it could hurt me. :P
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on April 10, 2009, 01:24:19 PM: b*tch

kidding

is it time for tiramisu yet?

:-*
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: 24KT on April 10, 2009, 06:22:39 PM: Quote from: Migs on April 10, 2009, 01:24:19 PM
b*tch

kidding

is it time for tiramisu yet?

:-*

Sha right! ::) After that comment, ...do you really think I'd trust the creme in the tiramisu? {lol}
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on April 10, 2009, 07:42:07 PM: it's not the cream in the tiramisu i'd be worried about. I'm latin, you know all we have to do is walk by any fertile woman and bam!
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: 24KT on April 10, 2009, 09:36:35 PM: Quote from: Migs on April 10, 2009, 07:42:07 PM
it's not the cream in the tiramisu i'd be worried about. I'm latin, you know all we have to do is walk by any fertile woman and bam!

...and bam what? ...we'll have fuzzy dice hanging from our ta-tas? :D
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on April 10, 2009, 09:39:20 PM: yup and all would ride in a 1976 pontiac with 21 inch rims. electric green at that!
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Butterbean on April 24, 2009, 02:04:18 PM: MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*****************
**************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine..
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake..
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: SamoanIrishman on April 24, 2009, 02:12:34 PM: ha funny cause it's true. Watch a woman do something very similar yesterday.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Butterbean on April 24, 2009, 02:28:49 PM: Quote from: SamoanIrishman on April 24, 2009, 02:12:34 PM
ha funny cause it's true. Watch a woman do something very similar yesterday.

Did she do a #23 on you?
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: SamoanIrishman on April 24, 2009, 03:16:15 PM: Quote from: STella on April 24, 2009, 02:28:49 PM
Did she do a #23 on you?

No cause I was laughing at it all..she even stepped out the car to pull up her pantyhose...it was funny. She looked like she was having one of "those days" so all I could do was laugh. She smiled and waved and said sorry with the cutes grin...

...hard to get mad at that. Plus it takes a LOT to get me upset.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on April 24, 2009, 08:00:54 PM: evil woman trickery
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: ToxicAvenger on April 25, 2009, 10:51:02 AM: tada! ;D

question : why is my poop green?

answer below!

http://www.poopreport.com/Intellectual/Content/Dye/dye.html
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Butterbean on April 25, 2009, 12:21:20 PM: Quote from: ProteinFarts! on April 25, 2009, 10:51:02 AM
tada! ;D

question : why is my poop green?

answer below!

http://www.poopreport.com/Intellectual/Content/Dye/dye.html

I knew about the grape kool-aid effect but didn't know exactly why!
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: ToxicAvenger on April 25, 2009, 12:49:59 PM: Quote from: STella on April 25, 2009, 12:21:20 PM
I knew about the grape kool-aid effect but didn't know exactly why!

from experience? ;D

attention everyone else : refer to toxic as your personal doctor for all future poop related matters

true story!
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on April 25, 2009, 06:53:09 PM: Quote from: ProteinFarts! on April 25, 2009, 10:51:02 AM
tada! ;D

question : why is my poop green?

answer below!

http://www.poopreport.com/Intellectual/Content/Dye/dye.html

what if it's rainbow colored?
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: ToxicAvenger on April 26, 2009, 08:59:42 AM: Quote from: Migs on April 25, 2009, 06:53:09 PM
what if it's rainbow colored?

get an exorcism ! ;D
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: leonp1981 on April 26, 2009, 09:08:02 AM: Quote from: Migs on April 25, 2009, 06:53:09 PM
what if it's rainbow colored?

Then it means you've got a pot of gold up your ass...

:D
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: ToxicAvenger on April 26, 2009, 09:33:52 AM: Quote from: leonp1981 on April 26, 2009, 09:08:02 AM
The it means you've got a pot of gold up your ass...

:D

lmao! classic....

and i'd add...." and a leprechaun somewhere hunting for you" :D
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on April 26, 2009, 06:49:27 PM: i can poop gold!
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Butterbean on April 26, 2009, 08:17:20 PM: Quote from: Migs on April 26, 2009, 06:49:27 PM
i can poop gold!
This reminds me...I found a duck egg in my yard!
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on April 27, 2009, 06:43:37 AM: Quote from: STella on April 26, 2009, 08:17:20 PM
This reminds me...I found a duck egg in my yard!

that'll go well with the left over mushrooms and some chives you have on the back left corner of the fridge....lower right shelf.

;D
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Butterbean on April 27, 2009, 09:55:53 AM: Quote from: Migs on April 27, 2009, 06:43:37 AM
that'll go well with the left over mushrooms and some chives you have on the back left corner of the fridge....lower right shelf.

;D
>:(
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on April 27, 2009, 10:53:32 AM: Quote from: STella on April 27, 2009, 09:55:53 AM
>:(

or a nice mushroom trifolate with a spring salad, toasted goat cheese crutons and spiced almonds or walnuts. A drizzle of lemon and basil oil. Nice light lunch. Better?
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: 24KT on April 27, 2009, 04:33:11 PM: Quote from: Migs on April 27, 2009, 10:53:32 AM
or a nice mushroom trifolate with a spring salad, toasted goat cheese crutons and spiced almonds or walnuts. A drizzle of lemon and basil oil. Nice light lunch. Better?

I swear my stomach just growled as I read your post.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on April 27, 2009, 06:24:11 PM: Quote from: jaguarenterprises on April 27, 2009, 04:33:11 PM
I swear my stomach just growled as I read your post.

lol, i have a way with food. word, not so much.

It works really well with a nice sliced breast of duck too.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: w8m8 on April 28, 2009, 01:27:50 PM: I think STella is letting you slide with the duck breast remark Migs :-\

Have you seen her in the mean thread ? or on the X with Dan-O ?

you're gonna be sorry if you make her go all caps on yo azz ;D
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on April 28, 2009, 07:56:43 PM: Quote from: w8m8 on April 28, 2009, 01:27:50 PM
I think STella is letting you slide with the duck breast remark Migs :-\

Have you seen her in the mean thread ? or on the X with Dan-O ?

you're gonna be sorry if you make her go all caps on yo azz ;D

What's worng with duck boobie?

Stella can get down and dirty. Hmm, that didn't sound naughty in my head...

She's gonna try can CAP me huh. Bring it!
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Butterbean on April 29, 2009, 06:22:15 AM: Quote from: Migs on April 27, 2009, 10:53:32 AM
or a nice mushroom trifolate with a spring salad, toasted goat cheese crutons and spiced almonds or walnuts. A drizzle of lemon and basil oil. Nice light lunch. Better?
:D
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on April 29, 2009, 08:19:29 AM: yeah it's good stuff. then again all food is good stuff. Except for indian, ethiopian, 99% of middle eastern food. Those just suck. We should mount a culinary jihad on the cuisine.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: 24KT on April 29, 2009, 04:12:25 PM: Quote from: Migs on April 29, 2009, 08:19:29 AM
yeah it's good stuff. then again all food is good stuff. Except for indian, ethiopian, 99% of middle eastern food. Those just suck. We should mount a culinary jihad on the cuisine.

What do you have against eating with your fingers?
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on April 29, 2009, 09:22:45 PM: eating with fingers is not the problem. It's the fact that all their food is shit. I'm from the south, were we have finger licking good food. if your lucky we'll lick other stuff too. Yeah i went there, so? I'm in need of lovin damnit!
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: 24KT on April 29, 2009, 10:52:37 PM: Quote from: Migs on April 29, 2009, 09:22:45 PM
eating with fingers is not the problem. It's the fact that all their food is shit. I'm from the south, were we have finger licking good food. if your lucky we'll lick other stuff too. Yeah i went there, so? I'm in need of lovin damnit!

(http://www.jaguarenterprises.net/images/an233.gif)

Aw Miggy, c'mere little puddin.
btw: You're a pretty good singer (http://www.jaguarenterprises.net/audio/kip_attaway_penis.wav) <-- click me (.wav audio file)
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on April 30, 2009, 06:46:53 AM: hmm linky no worky >:(
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: 24KT on May 02, 2009, 01:47:16 PM: Quote from: Migs on April 30, 2009, 06:46:53 AM
hmm linky no worky >:(

hmmm... try right clicking and "Save Target As" using Internet Explorer
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: 24KT on May 02, 2009, 01:49:42 PM: The top 10 Freudian Slips on Live Television:

Hilarious Japanese Pranks:
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on May 02, 2009, 05:59:11 PM: bad jaggy, very bad...
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: 24KT on May 03, 2009, 03:30:16 AM: Quote from: Migs on May 02, 2009, 05:59:11 PM
bad jaggy, very bad...
(http://www.jaguarenterprises.net/images/em/angel2.gif)
Nuh-uh, ...I'm a good girl.
As pure as the driven snow.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on May 03, 2009, 11:23:58 AM: rofl, that made me laugh. Just like when a tramp chooses a white wedding dress. Not saying your a tramp or anything. lol.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: 24KT on May 03, 2009, 11:02:53 PM: Quote from: Migs on May 03, 2009, 11:23:58 AM
rofl, that made me laugh. Just like when a tramp chooses a white wedding dress. Not saying your a tramp or anything. lol.

You better not be. >:(
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on May 04, 2009, 07:49:58 AM: or what huh! bring it..and some ice cream for later please.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: 24KT on May 04, 2009, 06:16:43 PM: Quote from: Migs on May 04, 2009, 07:49:58 AM
or what huh! bring it..and some ice cream for later please.

Or I'll put the kibosh on your membership application into the sacred order of the maple leaf! >:(
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on May 04, 2009, 06:18:28 PM: :o

can we still have ice cream?
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: 24KT on May 05, 2009, 12:31:33 AM: Quote from: Migs on May 04, 2009, 06:18:28 PM
:o

can we still have ice cream?

You'll first have to do your best to make nice (shameless grovelling), ...and then I'll think about it.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on May 05, 2009, 08:53:48 AM: well while i'm down on my knees...
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Hustle Man on October 05, 2009, 08:29:44 AM: GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa : half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe : well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value..

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain : very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece : gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain : with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel : has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada : self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet : wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

THE END.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Princess L on January 10, 2010, 06:03:42 PM: TPA New airline

Terrorist Proof Airlines

:o

(http://www.salsastories.com/images/tpa.jpg)
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: yng466 on January 11, 2010, 12:21:44 AM: 8)
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: yng466 on January 11, 2010, 12:17:50 PM: ;D
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on January 14, 2010, 07:41:03 PM: that hooters must have some low standards
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: yng466 on January 19, 2010, 03:25:02 AM: ;D
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Princess L on January 19, 2010, 08:13:26 AM: Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP . - Joe Namath
I don't feel old.. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: yng466 on January 25, 2010, 05:47:19 PM: ???
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Princess L on January 26, 2010, 10:02:38 AM: .
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: yng466 on January 26, 2010, 06:35:07 PM: OH NO!!! :o
Title: Re: Today's Funnies
Post by: Migs on January 26, 2010, 06:48:59 PM: dead puppy