Does anyone have the Old LONGSHANK Stories? Post `em if you got em.

[The True Adonis]

hahahhaa They were some of the best work ever seen on a bodybuilding board.

I hope Woten,(Sir Duchaine) has them....Or somebody!

[The True Adonis]

Come on, Someone has to have these saved!

[davidpaul]

I watched napolean dynamite for the first time the other day, I expected to see some delsuional bbuilding obsessed person like yourself in it.

[The True Adonis]

A Scary Experience with the Police...oh my god.[/color]
A quarter-past seven after a long, grueling powerlifting session...

I threw on my Magnus Jammies and scarfed down two protein bars and an entire chicken right before the final episode of Joe Millionaire. Since this was  a celebratory evening of hard drinking was in order.

A few fifths and 40mg of valium later, I was half in the bag. The doorbell rings.

"Holy fucking shit"

I jumped off of my couch, ran into the kitchen and grabbed a meat cleaver. I snuck over to the door and looked through the peep-hole only to see two officers standing on my stoop with shit-eating grins. A suspicion that they were on to me was now confirmed, I hid the blade behind some Twinlabs boxes and answered the door.

"I know my rights GOD DAMNIT! Where is your warrant?"

The pigs jumped back about 5 feet scared shitless when they saw my frame and my blood-red face.

Puzzled and confused, the one son-of-a-bitch muttered something about my stereo being too loud after I got home. (I usually play Christian Death Metal when I get home from Gold's).

I calmed down and agreed that my music may have been a few decibels higher than acceptable.

But let me tell you guys something, I almost made a mud sausage in my pants when I saw those badges. I thought they were onto me for sure. It just goes to show all of you that we as bodybuilders can NEVER be too careful.

Every bodybuilder dies, but not every bodybuilder really lives. We only get one shot brothers to make our bodies into some extraordinary.

LATE.

[The True Adonis]

Got into some shit: A close one...

My buddy goes to college in “the city” and he starts back up before I do, so I went down to do some partying w/ his this past weekend.
Saturday night started off relatively normal. I drank a good bit of a bottle of Stoley’s Vanilla Vodka, and did a three story beer bong my boy has called “the widow maker”. I mixed some more of the vodka w/ redbull so I wouldn’t pass out, and took a vicodin. I sniffed a 44 magnum marker a little bit on a dare, but I I’ think it did anything. After that me and boys sat down on the porch to play some domino’s and decide what to do next.
This chica we knew from high school stops over and she has a stun gun. I made $26 letting people zap me, maybe it was cuase I was fucked up but it didn’t hurt.
I noticed some young ladies walking across the street, and my pimp hand was feelin pretty strong at this point so I waltzed over to introduce myself. Then these six “frat boys” rolled up and tried spitting game to these dimes that I clearly already had rights to. I was by myself, but my boys were across the street, so I told the fellas their best move would be to keep walkin.
We started to argue and the next thing I know their jumpin me. I don’t know how many shots they got in right off the bat, but I don’t have any marks.
Now I’m not a big dude (6’1, 250 lbs of twisted steel and sex appeal), and these guys were all bigger than me, but we all know it ain’t the size of the dog in the fight.
I grabbed the dude that was doin most of the punching, He was the “big stick” of the group I assume. I grabbed his ear with my left hand and blasted him w/ my right, and followed up with a headbutt. Still w/ a deathgrip on the ear, I bit the hell out of the top of his head and held on. The whole time the rest of his boys were beating the living fuck out of every other inch of my body, and the chicks were screaming “let him go! He’s crazy!” That’s right ladies, crazy.
I bit down with everything I had, and this dude was screaming worse than the last dude I bit (some guy that said “another word” when I told him “not to say another word”....I managed to bite his face while simultaneously saying “Say you shouldn’t have said ‘another word” but anyway....
Meanwhile, my boys rushed across the street and evened up the odds. I don’t know how much longer I was biting this dude while he writhed around and screamed like a little bitch, but the next thing I know is my boys are yelling, “Judah, run! I fuckin cops!”
I look up and the paddiwagon just pulled up and cops are rushin me. I quit bitin the dude and jetted. I am an elementary education major (hope to one day teach third grade, I love kids) and any blotch on my record could mean the end for me.
This woman cop was chasing me on foot, and I could hear her talking into her radio yelling “suspect headed east on Semple”. I ran up somebody’s deck and the back of their house and tried to run in their door but it was locked. The bull dyke was on her way up the stairs and was yellin “freeze”. This deck was at least 20ft off the ground, and let me tell you bolex bros, I did not even hesitate, I saw my teaching certificate buring and I fuckin jumped. I landed hard on my shoulder but was up within a second and got ghost!
I got to the next street over and ran in some apartment building. I told some guy inside someone was trying to kill me and he had to take me up to his friend’s apartment to save me, but he wasn’t hearing it. I quickly bargained with him, and he ended up showing me the basement of the place for $3. I went in and hid.
About five minutes later I heard the dude’s voice saying “he’s in there”. FUCK! Luckily it turned out to be my boys comin to get me. I punked the dude for givin up my hiding spot and got my three bucks back.
Just as we stepped outside we saw some dudes from the crew we fought, they were kissin our asses cause they didn’t want another fight, and we didn’t need anymore drama either. They told us 3 of their crew got arrested, and the dude I bit got taken to the hospital he was bleeding so bad. I don’t know if i’m goin to visit my boys anymore, I get into too much shit with them.

[The True Adonis]

Great tragedy! Training partner's death

Woe is me. Man that is born of woman hath but a short time to live, and is full of misery.....

My faithful servant, and indispensable training partner, Babu, is no longer with us. As a means of ameliorating my condition, I wish to share with you, my brothers, this sad and tragic tale.

I awoke the other morning, and after a morning constitution, enjoyed a fine breakfast of kippers, biscuits, tea, toast and jam. After lounging leisurely in the reading room, I quaffed a 2 litre protein shake (200 grams of protein) and decided on an outing. Although I usually exercise in VERY exclusive clubs, I decided to do a bit of slumming. Summoning Babu, I declared that we would conduct the day's physical training amongst commoners!
After gathering my training articles, and his own, Babu and I sauntered out to the front steps and stepped into the ever present Rolls Royce.

A bit of background information on Babu. Groundskeeper Babu was purchased from a Russian circus, where he was billed as 'The Sikh Beast' on account of his enormous size and strength.

Within an hour, we were in the thick of middle-class London. What a depressing sight. How people live like that, I shall never know. Then a sign caught my attention- a sign for a gym. 'Stop!' I cried. Babu and I marched into the hovel, and after paying for a membership, we donned our exercise attire. For myself, that would be silk karate pants, and a silk tank top with my family's coat of arms. Babu wore some odd sort of Indian get up.
On entering the exercise area, I could not contain my revolt and roared 'Appalling, Babu, FUCKING appalling shithole this is!'

We began with bench presses. After warming up with 375, I managed to, with hurculean effort, press 495. Now it was Babu's turn. A further 200 pounds was added to the bar, and Babu's huge 400 pound behemoth frame slid beneath the bar and with a guttural roar the monster pressed 695 10 times.
Our efforts in the gym could not be bested.

Then, things took a dark turn.
Wanting merely to have a bit of fun, I teased Babu-
"Babu, see those fellows over there? They told me they wanted to tear off your turban and shove it up your fat fucking bastard arse!"
"They said to me 'what is a fucking Sikh doing in here? Send that golliwog back to Pakistan!' "
I had a jolly good chuckle as Babu, shaking with fury, approached one of the other 5 men in the gym. 'You farging icehole, I kill you!!' he screamed, before snapping the man over his knee like a stick. The other four-obviously friends- attacked Babu. He put his spade-sized hand over one chap's face, and following a sick crushing sound, the man collapsed on the floor like a rag doll.
Babu broke one of the other fellow's arms, bear hugged another to death, then it was down to 1.
I decided to join in the fun.
I looped my dipping belt through a 25 pound plate and charged into the fray, swinging. The last fellow took a jolly good belt to the head and fell down, but alas, in my enthusiasm, I accidentally felled poor Babu with a great blow to the temple.
All was silent.
Babu lay on the floor, eyes staring ahead, stone dead. The other chaps lay either motionless or moaning. The owner had fled. I marched up to the front desk, and quickly removed information pertaining to my membership application.
Then, hands in pockets, I sauntered out, whistling a piece by Handel.

After conferring with my father, Sir ******, O.B.E, it was decided that the servants were to swear I had been in all day, and that Babu had met a homosexual acquaintance that day.

Poor Babu. It is a shame, a true shame.
However, his Kirpan, which I lifted off his body, makes a wonderful cheese knife.

[The True Adonis]

A Night at the Opera
Salutations,

I have been experiencing the most distressing moments of discomposre lately. I will state that I think it is due to the 1g of testosterone weekly, 250mg anadrol daily, and 75mg trenbolone ED that I have been having admistered for the past 2 months. Matters came to a head just the other evening, while at the opera. I was chaperoning a certain beautiful, VERY well connected young lady (whose mother is a Duchess). Our private booth at the Royal London Opera house afforded a splendid view of the stage, yet as 'La Boheme' progressed I found myself grinding my teeth in an inexplicable rage.

'My Lord, whatever is the matter? You do look most displeased' exclaimed the lady, on turning to me and seeing my countenance

'My lady, I find opera induces a certain amount of longeur... indeed one is bored out of one's fucking mind!' I exclaimed.
'Let's be off- I have the suite at the Holborn booked, let's down a few drinks at the bar, and then we shall retire to my room- indeed, that finely cleft arse of yours is due a reaming!'. I simply could not contain my longing for her. The young lady stood up, indignant, and marched out, but not before I had partially torn off her knickers. Several patrons were staring and whispering-
"What the fuck are you lot looking at? I'll crush any one of you like a fucking beetle!', I bellowed. I had to remove myself, for fear of my 275 pounds furious self from committing heinous acts of violence. I stormed out, and on finding my chauffeur standing outside the Rolls Royce smoking, I hurled him bodily into the driver's seat. 'Time to get pissed! On to the lounge!" I thundered.

I repaired to the Lounge Room at the Holborn Hotel. I ordered a scotch, specifically a fine single malt, and as the bartender reached for a mere Glenmorgan I lost all sense.
'You fucking bastard, Glenmorgan? I shall drink nothing less than Glenmorangie, 21 years old, single malt!'. The bartender apologized, and a few minutes later procured a bottle of Glenmorangie. As he poured out my drink I seized the bottle, and in one swig emtied half of it. A few large fellows approached me. "I'm afraind you must leave, sir'', the largest one said.
How shameful! A gentleman, an aristocrat, being asked to leave.
That is when my composure collapsed.
Completely.
The bottle came crashing into the face of the largest one, and my ivory-handled walking cane was most useful in thrashing the other two. I escaped from the scene.
Luckily, my brothers, I shall not be visited with the ignominy of criminal charges. When you mention your address as
Tweedsmuir Estate, and your royal connections, such matters are promptly stifled.
I am most relieved. Unfortunately, a fine, ivory walking stick is completely ruined, and a half bottle of Glenmorangie '21' single malt wasted!
tsk tsk.

[The True Adonis]

ERNIE TAYLOR's mental BREAKDOWN!! Brothers,

Ernie Taylor has had a mental breakdown, and no doubt will be out of the bodybuilding scene for some time while he gets the help he NEEDS.

It is sad, really, that the pressures pros face can result in this sort of thing.
I was on hand when it happened, and let me tell it first before you hear twisted lies and rumours about Ernie!
The following is a true story.

I had inside information that Ernie Taylor was looking to shoot a bodybuilding video. I acted quickly, having always wanted to direct a pro's video and make them world-famous! I contacted Ernie, and told him that I was a well-established amateur film-maker, and was also currently working with Lou Ferrigno on a documentary on his life. I lied, but so what?

Ernie agreed to meet with me at a grungy gym in London where he trains from time to time. We shook hands, I pointed to the rented video equipment, and went over my ideas for his video, which I wanted to title 'Ernie Taylor: TAKING CHARGE!'. He liked the ideas I presented, about making a truly HARD-CORE video.
Nobby, my chauffeur and training partner, was on hand.

We went through some exercises, but the intensity just wasnt there. "Look, Ernie, see that man by the water cooler? He is a paid actor, hired by me for the video. Go over and shove him out the way, and show everyone how Ernie TAKES CHARGE!!" I yelled. "Are you sure? I mean, I don't go shoving blokes about"; Ernie protested. I grabbed him by the shoulders, and, in a low but steadily rising voice won him over- "Listen, Ernie, people don't want to see Ernie Taylor the gentlemen...now stop being a little girl and show em how being huge means being IN BLOODY ****ING CHARGE!!!"
Ernie walked over with his water bottle and shoved the man out the way. The middle-aged fellow he pushed went sprawling to the floor, and, scrambling to his feet, began begging Ernie not to hurt him, then turned and fled from the gym. "He didn't look like he was acting to me!" Ernie protested. "Listen, Ernie, that fellow is currently doing 'Hamlet' at the Globe Theatre...playing..er..t he role of, ahm, Yorick...he is just staying in character, even off stage, as REAL actors do" I lied. Ernie bought it!

Next it was time for some heavy-duty work.
This time, brothers, Nobby would be Ernie's partner.
With Nobby working out with and spotting him, Ernie went through some bar-bending, screaming, 7 plates a side sets of squats. Then it was on to barbell curls. Nobby loaded up an E-Z bar with 3 45s on each side, handed it to Ernie, and began screaming, five times louder than Dorian's partner in the 'Blood and Guts' video-"ROOOIIIGHT THEN! LOADED MAGAZINES....TAKE FOOKIN CHAAAHHGE...SQUUUEEEZZZE E!" With that, he smacked Ernie in the head to get him psyched up. Ernie completed 8 reps, screaming in agony, and when he tried to give up, Nobby punched him in the face, giving him that extra boost of intensity to complete 4 more reps before dropping the bar and collapsing to the gym floor, groaning. Nobby seized the bar, and curled it 30 times before tossing it aside in disgust, snarling "That was fookin nuffin!" in his heavy, cockney accent.

Just then, a teenager came over and interrupted us to get Ernie's autograph. I spun round, picked up the little twerp, and threw him across the gym. He hit the mirror on the wall, smashing it, and fell to into a bloody, broken heap on the floor. "Next time someone interrupts I'll ****ing KILL THEM!!" I roared. Just then Ernie's cellphone rang and he answered it "Hi, Mom...yes I'm finishing up...see you soon..." he managed to say, before I kicked the cellphone out of his hand. "LET'S TRAIN!" I screamed. "Hey, look mate, that was my bloody mother...and what the hell did you throw that kid for?" Ernie was getting angry. "Fine, Ernie, my apologies" I offered, fearing he was about to walk out on the video shoot.

Nobby was spotting Ernie on a set of wrist curls with 315 pounds, when I felt a tap on my shoulder and heard a woman's voice. "Excuse me, could you tell Ernie.." was all the woman got out before I EXPLODED in rage, spun around, and clotheslined her so hard she went flying out of her shoes and landed on the floor with a bone-crushing smack. Then I ran over, screaming, and kicked her in the ribs, lifting her off the floor with the force of my boot. I noticed then she was an elderly black woman. Oh well...she shouldnt be sticking her nose into other people's video shoots!
I turned to see Ernie, standing in front of me, his eyes open wide, his voice shaking. "Th--th--that was my MOTHER!" he screamed, then he started trembling, and finally his mind snapped. He seized an E-Z curl bar, and came at me like a maniac! I turned and ran, ducking his swings, any one of which would have been fatal had they connected with my skull...I would have handled him, brothers, but I don't like to harm the mentally deranged, nor did I want my Marlboro-man good looks compromised by a blow from a curlbar.

Ernie chased me around the gym, swinging the bar. I used a personal trainer and various gym members as human shields, but he smashed them aside in his crazed mission to destroy your humble narrator! Finally, his rampage was ended when Nobby managed to hit him over the head with his motorbike chain, knocking him out! Nobby and I quickly packed up the video equipment, loaded it into the trunk of the Rolls Royce parked out front, and drove off from the scene of disaster, laughing, as a police tactical unit and several police cars arrived at the gym!

As for Ernie Taylor- the man needs help. He needs meds, I think, to curb his sociopathic tendencies!

[The True Adonis]

PRO'S seminar ends in DISASTER!!
Brothers,

A well known pro won't be at any upcoming shows. He is most displeased, and blames me, of all people!

The following is a true story.

Last week, a well-known pro bodybuilder, who I won't name, contacted me and let me know that he wanted to hold a bodybuilding seminar, charging people the equivalent of 25 American dollars each to hear his training, nutrition, and supplement advice.
Things didn't go very well...and now he is quite angry with me.

He had asked for my help in organizing the promotion of his seminar, and I told him that I would be DELIGHTED to take care of that end of things. I hired graphic artists, and personally oversaw the designing of advertising posters that featured the pro's picture, and "TAKE BLOODY ****ING CHARGE!" in large, red, blood-dripping letters across the top. The smaller script read:
"Get ****ing HUGE- scare your mates, your teachers, and your parents! SQUASH bastard enemies like beetles! Learn how to eat, train, inject, how to smuggle and/or import steroids... come to the show, and get a bottle of anadrol for free, to get you started!"

I thought it was smashing, and so did Nobby! I had hundreds of posters made, and Nobby and I posted them in places that we KNEW would draw whomever saw them to the seminar- we went around elementary schools, middle schools, high schools, homes for disturbed youth, the local snooker hall, local playgrounds...a truly heroic effort, I must say. We put the posters up everywhere, and personally encouraged people to attend. Tickets sold quickly.

I also managed to rent a community centre hall for very cheap- mind you, it was in the east end of London, amongst the slums!

The big day came-
The pro showed up to the community centre and, on entering the large auditorium, stood gaping at the crowd. A sea of mostly boys, aged 12-21, met his eyes. Many of them had shaved heads, bomber jackets, wore combat boots, t-shirts emblazoned with swastikas or skulls, and had swastikas tattooed on their foreheads. A jolly group of little rascals!

He then saw for the first time the poster I had made. He said "For ****'s sakes, mate, what the **** is this? Bloody kids! What...free ****ing anadrol...I could get in serious shit...!!!"
A look of true distress, anger, and who knows what else came over his face.
No sooner had he spoken than 10 police officers arrived, and escorted him out in handcuffs- he began sobbing! When they found the 3 crates (1000 bottles) of anadrol I had generously supplied, and asked whose they were, I simply pointed my thumb in the direction of the pro bodybuilder as he was being led away. "They're his!" I quipped.
"Well, I'll be off then" I said innocently, and Nobby and I left- but not before Nobby grabbed the mic and yelled"Now, **** off you lot, you aint gettin no anadrol tonight, show's over- no bloody refunds, bahstahds! G'wan...FOOK OFF!!" he screamed, then threw the mic and the podium at the angry crowd of disturbed youth!
Chairs soon became airborne, the sound of windows smashing filled the air, and screaming erupted...a true riot was underway!

Luckily, we made it out of the community centre, and drove out of the parking lot just as the ensuing riot, which saw the burning down of the community center, 3 people killed and scores injured, got underway.
We both laughed heartily as Nobby floored the Rolls Royce and we sped away from the scene of calamity!

So, brothers, looks like a certain pro bbder is out of the game for the next several years....

[The True Adonis]

WHY WE STARTED LIFTING...The Greatest Bodybuilding Story Ever Told

It was fourth and long with under thirty seconds to go in our high school district championship game. As a senior in high school with possibly my last game as starting wide receiver…I knew the stakes were high as we trailed 17 – 13.

The quarterback commanded, “Hike.” The play began to manifest as the defense blitzed and we charged forward.

Seconds before the quarterback was trampled, he managed to release a “Hail Mary” pass that was on target with me in the crosshairs. The pass could not have been more perfect.

The crowd roared as I arrested the ball and darted toward the goal line. Then…it was dark.

As I awoke in the hospital, I learned that a 330-pound defenseman demolished me just before I crossed the ten. No permanent damage to speak of, but the mental anguish of knowing that I lost because someone was “bigger than me” began to cause infuriation deep inside.

That winter, I was determined to devote my entire life to becoming a machine…a physical monster that would intimidate any passerby unto whom I came upon. I bought a membership to Gold’s Gym. I began to extensively research the usage of performance-enhancing drugs. All of my Christmas money that year was going to be used to purchase a variety of anabolic steroids. A priority of finishing up my senior year of high school quickly vanished. Besides weightlifting, all of my free time was devoted to working two jobs so I could afford every muscle-building drug available on the market.

People began to stare. During the first six months of my quest to become something extraordinary, I gained 30 pounds. My metabolism was always high, so I ate everything in sight: stacks of pancakes, entire packages of bacon, whole chickens, loaves of bread, apple pies, etc. I was looking good, and everybody knew it.

Since my parents emancipated me because of my unwillingness to attend school and my determination to never listen to any of their spoken words…I had to find new revenue streams because the night job at Kentucky Fried Chicken and the day gig working the local carwash weren’t making ends meet. Besides, I was reborn; I saw the light; I was going to be colossal. That is when I was forced to find new ways of generating income.

Don’t get me wrong, I felt bad. But how was I going to afford cycles of Growth Hormone and testosterone making chump change for the Colonel and waxing Mustangs?

I was drinking heavily one night when fate and a good idea intersected. My sister stopped over to my apartment because she had heard I had gotten arrested for assaulting some people in a local pizzeria. A few men decided not to let me have their table at lunchtime and all of the other seating was filled. You can imagine what happened next – I grabbed a metal napkin dispenser off of their table and bludgeoned the biggest guy sitting down. Then, his two friends were victimized by a haymaker and a steel-toed, Kodiak work boot…courtesy of me.

My sister began to speak loud. Then louder. Soon I was sure that my neighbors could probably hear her scolding me so I took one last sip of my Long Island Iced Tea and threw her down a flight of stairs. I walked outside and commandeered her SUV. I drove around for awhile as I finished a few beers and ended up at my friend’s pad. I ended up selling him a Jeep Grand Cherokee (Laredo) for $9,000 in cash. Nothing could stop me now.

- Fast-forward -

Four years later I was unrecognizable to many I knew in the town I fled after the Jeep incident. I felt like Forrest returning to Greensboro, only I had become a miracle of God. It is truly magnificent when your reality exceeds your dreams. My arms were a spectacle. My chest didn’t even look real. I had muscles growing out of other muscles. As I walked around my old hometown gym in my bandana and Zubaz pants, I realized that I had done something great. I could tell that everyone was threatened by my size. People were scared of me. If I needed a spotter, I would just yell at anyone nearby, “You, you and you! Get over here and spot me right now!” They did. People would pause in between sets just to investigate how much weight I would have on the bench. I would do a “One-Rep-Max” set and scream as the straight bar would bend because of the amount of weight on it. The three spotters combined wouldn’t even be able to lift this had I not been there.

I could tell that people were jealous. Envy consumed them. This feeling, this sensation of being mighty is why I got in this game in the first place. When I wake up in the morning before my Myoplex, 20 egg whites, and box of waffles, I just thank Jesus that I am what I am: A machine.

NO FEAR! IF YOU AIN’T SQUATTIN’, THEN YOU AIN’T SHIT!

[The True Adonis]

 
I Have Come To Realize That I Am A Monster
Today was my Back / Traps / Calves day…and I can’t believe what happened.

About 2 hours into my workout, I realized it was time to test my physical abilities and limitations. I threw 10 plates on the Donkey Calf Press, but that was not enough weight to really show the bodybuilders in my gym who I am.

So, just like Macgyver would have done, I rigged up a contraption by attaching two 150 lb. dumbbells to my leather weight belt and then strapped it on the top of the machine. This made the total weight at 750 lbs. which would be an all-time one-rep max day that no one could ever forget.

As I harnessed the almost-ripping belt onto the machine, a man decided he would come over to my station and question my motives for the grand finale I was about to bestow upon the local Gold’s Gym bodybuilding community.

“That’s a lot weight. Are you sure you want to do that?” he mumbled from behind me. I started panicking and without hesitation, I pushed over the 3 foot plate rack loaded with 45’s and 25’s coming within inches of crushing his little feet.

Well Bolex Bro’s – you should’ve seen his face when I did this. He jumped back about 8 feet and fell over the Galileo Press and all of my friends joined me in mocking him. We were all pointed and yelling “Look at the homo…look at him…he probably couldn’t even hack squat two and a quarter! HA HA HA little fag!”

I noticed that my temper began to chain reaction into commotion amongst the Gold’s employees around the front desk. I mean, when this rack fell over it was LOUD!

Quickly, I ran back over to the Donkey Press and ripped my shirt off. My spotters chanted “Come on NOW, You can DO IT! THIS IS YOUR WHOLE LIFE! Come on!!!”

I tightened up my bandana, unrolled my tiger pants so all of the girls could see my gigantic calves perform this unthinkable feet, and unracked the weight! Well brothers, I made history! I knocked out 12 reps without breaking a sweat.

After I finished, I celebrated by shouting “I am better than all of you! I am better than all of you!” The gym Manager, this NATURAL guy, came over to me and told me I have to cool it. I glanced over his shoulder and saw the man whom I taught a lesson to just minutes before I made history fleeing out the door. He told the Manager that I was responsible for tipping over the plates and rack.

Well, had I not been already expelled from every other gym in my town, this Manager would’ve been dead. I mean that. I have never had someone tell me what to do. I gave him the evil eye and sent him a subliminal message: He is going to get beaten to death someday. I am a patient man and I don’t forget anything or anybody.

As for the other gent who ran away almost in tears, he will pay the piper also. I plan on ambushing him sometime soon. I will keep you all posted!

This is just another reason why we have to stick together bros! No one, especially not some irritating little guy who has never juiced up is going to pull one over on us. We are above God.

BODYBUILDING RULES!

[The True Adonis]

My Roid Rage!!! Scary
Check it...

I went to my girlfriend's house last night to meet her parents for the first time. Her idiot father went to shake my hand and made a comment "Wow, you are a big guy." You can imagine for obvious reasons why THAT would get my blood boiling.

We are sitting around the living room prior to dinner shooting the breeze and lolligaggling about current events, movies, politics, etc., and then her mother has the audacity to break out with "So, Brian, you must spend a lot of time at the gym?" Well so help me baby Jesus, did I almost choke her with a piano wire!

Politely, I excused myself to go to the bathroom to "cool off." I put some cold water on my face and swore that if this whore talked about lifting one more time that I would seriously pistol-whip her.

The Scene: Dinner table.

We are sitting down and the food she is serving is all fattening (like most food observed on 90% in American homes). I looked at my girlfriend and said "I am not hungry!" She saw the face of death in my eye and knew to keep her trap shut or she could end up being the victim of a severe beating when we got home.

Her father then busts out with "Come on, eat...a little fat never dun hurt no one." I slammed my fist on the table, stood up and left the house. His Audi was parked in the driveway and I put my head through the passenger window. Then I left.

Is this roid rage? I usually think of myself as that of a passive and conservative gentleman! These Anadrols are great for strength, but I am questioning whether or not this incident is a reflection of steroids? Anyone?

[The True Adonis]

My Dick Doesn't Work Anymore

This thread is a little embarrassing for me to say the least, so please don't flame me too much.

I have been on steroids for almost 6 years now non-stop and finally just gotten off of them to take a four week break. I started out with a beginners stack (d-bol, deca) and worked my way up to shooting over 1g of test/week, popping 6 A-bomb's/day, HGH, slin, tren, DNP, EQ, Winny V, etc.

I have had a few bad experiences with juice (gyno in both nips, baldness, acne) but nothing outweighed all the positives I got from steroids such as being able to squat 650 lbs! Hell, I can flip over cars now at keg parties to impress girls!

I have noticed something that is bothering me though - I can't hard anymore! It sucks. This is been this way for a long time now! I mean, I am happy as a pig in shit being able to lift ungodly amounts of weight, but pumping some chicks would be nice now and then! I don't want to take viagara because that could be dangerous and damaging my body is the last thing I want to do because I am very health-conscious. But, is there any other drugs I could ingest to solve this problem? Let me know because walking around with limp-dick all the time really sucks.

Squat or go home! Lift heavy! No fear!

[The True Adonis]

A Great Weekend - Check It

This weekend, I sat in my dark, cold apartment with my cat eating egg whites and tunafish just counting the seconds until my next workout.

On Friday, I worked out my shoulders, chest, biceps, neck and glutes and then retired to my domicile for a Myoplex and 1 gram of test.

It was fun.

Yesterday, I worked out my right hamstring, back, fingers and delts. Then I ate 40 eggs and punched my kid in the face.

To say the least, I love life.

[The True Adonis]

My Leg Is All Blue! Help!

I bought some Sustanon from this big guy at "the Y" last week. When I unscrewed the bottle's cap, I noticed a rancid stench.

I filled up a couple of cc's of the liquid, and jammed the needle into my leg. I depressed the plunger of the syringe and biggity-bam - I was feeling the rush (you guys know what that's about!).

About 2 hours and 4 beers later, my leg had the most severe cramping. I know Sust could make you sore, but god damnit - my leg was burning. I went to the bathroom in the bar and when I looked at the site - it was all blue and inflamed! Is this normal? The guy said he got the sust from a chinese man so I am assuming it is Tokkyo Sust. Let me know - the bottle was clear and so was the liquid (a tint of yellow). Later bro's!

Lift heavy or go home!

[The True Adonis]

Losing Body Fat Quickly!

Alright guys, check it...

I am currently around 250 lbs. at 6 feet. I need to lose a lot of bodyfat really fast but I don't have a lot time to work out.

I work at Denny's so dieting is really hard. I don't want to sit around eating grilled pieces of chicken or drinking protein chalk-water shakes. Dieting is not an option to be honest.

I eat about 3 times a day and usually have a Sausage McMuffin for breakfast, pizza or a sub for lunch, and at dinner I eat at work (usually chicken fingers, mozzerella sticks with an entree such as Moons Over My Hammy or a cheeseburger and fries).

I can probably lift two or three times a week at home because my roommate got some weights - a nice bench with a couple of dumbbells and I walk to work 5 times a week (about 6 blocks EACH WAY).

My question: What kind of supplements can help me lose all my bodyfat in a short period of time?

I have tried Carbogenetics and the Subway diet, but like I said - dieting is not an option. Any help would be awesome! Lift on.

[The True Adonis]

Best Cutting Cycle Ever! Ever!

Dudes,

I am going to be one lean mutha fucka! This big guy at Gold's gave me 300 dianabols and 100 anadrols. I want to mix them up and taper them too to get really cut.

I currently weigh around 250 and at about 6 feet. I am thinking about starting with these anadrols and then finishing up with dianabols (For obvious reasons!). Then, when i am finished I will take some efredine. Please tell me how many and what time of the day is the best for cutting! Thanks guys and GET PUMPED!

[The True Adonis]

Spring Break...check It...

I just was in Cancun last week and I have to say, Spring Break IS definitely what it is cracked up to be!

We got there on a Friday night around 4-ISH, and some "Ess-Ay's" were kind enough to hook us up with some Green Dragon tabs of E. We were rolling balls by 7pm.

We met these 18-year old pigs from Auburn University and it was on. This one chick was pretty good looking, so I lied to her and told her that "I am not here to hook up, but I just needed to get away because my Grandpa just died." This dumb WHO-ARE believed me so I took her back to my casita and rammed her.

The next night, I saw the same girl at the club next to my hotel and I totally degraded her in front of some people. I was dancing in a cage with my shirt off and her and some of her sorority-slut-sisters came over and tried to kick it to me. I pretended I was listening to them, and then quickly poured the rest of my beer in their faces. My friend "Big Dog" was quick to high-five me for my move I layed down on those ladies.

So these girls meet some other guys and try to compel them into instigating some words with me. As soon as this thin twig stepped to me, I took my wallet chain and put it around his neck and began to watch him gasp for air. Everyone in the bar was like "Yo man, let him go! He is only 18 and you are 100 pounds heavier than him!" I started to laugh and finally threw him on the ground. This little boy was crying so me and my buddies started chanting "Pussy...Pussy...Pussy." It was amazing. This bouncer waltzes on over and asked me if there was a problem. I told him "Yes, my cup is empty." This guy walked away and he is damn lucky I didn't murder him right then and there.

We meandered back to the hotel and busted down an "8" of the white horse, and I can only say a replication of our success continued on through the week. We were broke by Thursday so I ended up climbing through our neighbors window on their balcony and took this kid's wallet. He had 800 bones up in there!

I love Spring Break and I highly recommend everyone check it out. Where has everyone else been? Late.

[The True Adonis]

Martial Arts...which One Will Enable Me With The Skills To Kill People?

Ever since the days of Marked for Death and Bloodsport, I have wanted to learn a form of martial arts. Recently, I have been extensively researching which school of fighting would match my goals and aspirations.

I have already disqualified karate and judo from consideration because those sports focus primarily on defense. I am looking to hurt people on a whim...basically when I am out and about on Thursday - Saturday, things happen and it would be nice to punch someone in the throat or cripple them with a kick to the temple.

My research encompassed a full weekend of watching Ultimate Fighting and looking for information on the net, but I think some knowledge from you guys might supplement that nicely.

Please don't think I want to intentionally harm other people as I am not violent at all. But, sometimes I get extremely intoxicated and a calm and casual conversation can end up escalating into flying fists. It could prove to be useful to really, really hurt someone badly in these situations.

Thanks bros! And remember...lift big or go home!

[Bluto]

wtf you on about? who's longshank? im not gonna read all that until you give an explanation

[The True Adonis]

My Encounter With The New Guy At The Supplement Store...    

Today was like every other Tuesday in every way except one: A new man was hired at the local supplement store.

I woke up around 11am and threw on my No Fear T-shirt and some spandex before hitting the treadmill for an hour. I had a good cardio workout, took a shower and then on with my day.

Around 1pm, I got the Iroc tuned (I was pissed too because the weather sucked and I just got her washed yesterday) and then proceeded to jostle on down to Supplement Warehouse. I almost had an aneurism when I entered because "Big D" was not behind the counter, but rather some 50-year old waste of flesh was sitting there. This old man had probably never even done a hack squat for Christ's sake.

So I tried to hide my disgust from this elderly gentleman but couldn't bite me tongue quick enough before blurting out "Who in the fuck are you?" He attempted to feed me some bullshit story about being new but I didn't care so I immediately cut him off and warned him to keep his mouth closed or I could potentially kill him with my hands.

Enraged, I was in the corner piling this week's supply of protein jugs in my arms when I caught a glimpse of this old man standing adjacent to me. I was trying to be quick lickity-split and I was already in a hurry because I had to run on down to Mobil to pick up some 2-for-1 smokes (cigs are expensive these days and the sale was only valid until they were out of packs). Also, I usually take my mother's truck to the supplement store every week because I can fit a skid's worth of powder in the cab but I wrecked her Datsun on Saturday night (I was a little drunk and drove it into a newspaper stand). I had to pick her truck up before I went to the gym again at 4 to do some quads.

He was holding a bottle of creatine mono-whatever and just before he tried to suggestively sell that crap to me…I threw the jugs as hard as I possibly could at this man. He became frightened and backed away as I charged towards him.

Just before I pummeled him to the ground, I made a quick zero-radius right-hand turn and shoulder-blocked a neatly positioned display of protein powder pyramided four stories high. I knocked them all to the floor and then reached into my pants and just before pulling a steak knife out on him (I keep a small one strapped to my outer thigh for protection at all times), I evaluated the consequences if I were to be caught so let him escape with only a small cut from when I thwarted his melon with the MetRX container.

I can honestly say with all sincerity that I hope that this old man goes to hell someday (hopefully sooner than later). How dare he attempt to sell a professional bodybuilder such supplements? I can’t get the image out of my head of that “look” that was in his eye when he thought I was going to seriously harm him – there is nothing more rewarding than scaring people.

Don’t forget bro’s: No pain, No gain! LIFTING IS A STATE OF MIND!

[The True Adonis]

McDonald's - I almost killed people.

I was watching the Yankee's game last night with my buddy "Dribbles" and we decided to split a 1.75 ltr bottle of Mr. Boston's Vodka (cheap stuff). In about the 8th inning, we were intoxicated and I was pretty hungry so I jumped in my Iroc and decided to run over to McDonald's.

As I began to pull out of the driveway, I evaluated my current condition and my friend agreed that I was too drunk to be driving around. Since Mickey-D's is only about 1/4 mile away and I was hungry from not eating since breakfast, I walked on over.

I was mindboggled to say the least upon my arrival at the slop-house. I am not by any means a habitual choke-and-puke eater and my daily menu rarely includes a few greasy cheeseburgers so I didn't know that the restaurant was closed...and that only the drive-thru was open. But I figured, "No prob" so I walked up to the window.

Now remember that I have been drinking and I am not a big drinker by any stretch (I only drink on the weekends and Wednesday's usually).

So I started to tap on the glass politely to get the attention of a few youngsters in the establishment. One lad glanced over at me and mustered something to a girl, then did a double-take and finally decided to greet me. He opened the window and said the following: "You must be in a vehicle to order from the drive-thru." No Hi or hello, just this rude comment.

Awestruck and immediately angered, I put my arm inside the window and firmly gripped his little lever (device which closes the window) so he would not be able to close it on me. Then I said something along the lines of "Give me 3 fucking hamburgers or I will kill you and everyone in there."

I am usually a pushover and anyone I know would not be able to comprehend how "I" could say such a thing. But this teenager practically spit in my face with his snubbing remark.

As the boy computed my statement, he began to slowly move backwards away from me. My other arm fired through the opening in the window and grabbed his little skinny arm. I pulled his arm and head outside of the drive-thru and I began to scream. The girl working behind him and another older man working the deep fryer starting yelling for help. I saw this little bitch run over to a telephone so I calmly released the lucky-he-is-not-dead boy from my grip and I sprinted home.

This may be an understatement, but I was thrilled at how powerful I felt scaring these people. I celebrated my night by ordering a Domino's Pizza (those people are reliable at least) with my buddy.

It was fun. I bet those kids will never step to a bodybuilder again!


Lift big or go home!

[Rambone]

Brothers,

I hope you will take up my cause and flood the IFBB with emails protesting thier refusal to grant me my rightfully deserved pro-card. Despite proving my worth, the powers that be at the IFBB have ignored my requests, and I sense some form of discrimination is afoot.

The following is a true story.

I had travelled to Montreal, Canada, (first class of course) with my chauffeur/training partner/ex-convict, Nobby, to get my pro card from the Weider head office.

I had sent them my photos several times, which gave Wayne Demilla good views of my enourmous arms, monstrous legs, and overall Herculean development which would quash every competitor at the Mr. Olympia. My requests to be granted a pro card went unanswered, so I had, in a fit of rage, taken a flight to Montreal to settle the matter in person.

As we got out of the rented Jaguar, we ran into none other than Bob Paris in the parking lot! "Bob- are you going to compete again?" I asked. "Well, we'll see...not for now....I've gotta run boys.." and with that he skipped off into a pink cadillac and roared off, the stereo blasting the 70s hit 'YMCA'.
"There goes one of the GREATS" I uttered, with reverence.
"Seemed loik a fookin POOFTAH to me!" Nobby snarled.

Nobby and I lumbered up to the front doors of Weider Headquarters and threw them open with such force that they shattered. I walked up to the front desk, and addressed the terrified looking 'receptionist' with a roar of "TAKING CHARGE!!! GET ME DEMILLA NOOWWWW!!" that was so loud all the windows in the building rattled. "Just a minute..." the young woman at the desk snivelled, and quickly picked up a phone and said "Get down here...now...pleeeaaasse!!".
I surmised that she must have been speaking to Joe Weider.

Just then, several security guards approached Nobby and I, and in an instant, Nobby had his motorbike chain in hand and began beating the guards off, screaming. I grabbed a couple of them and hurled them through the reception desk, demolishing it.
Wayne Demilla appeared, and was astonished to see the guards had one and all been dealt with. "Well, Wayne....where's my FUCKING card?!!" I screamed, then ran charging over and clotheslined him with such force that he did a perfect backflip and hit the floor unconscious.
As the sound of police sirens neared, Nobby and I headed out, laughing.

I'd given them a piece of my mind, and that night I slept the sleep of the Just.

This is unfair. I deserve a pro card, and, by God, they know it!
I am thinking of pressing assault charges against Weider Inc. for the behaviour of those security guards!!