I'll take a stab at the obit:
Kelvin Levron, famous bodybuilder from the 90s, died Thursday from unknown causes. He was found in spandex in the parking lot of a local gym. Although his last competition was in the 90s, several people in the parking lot in front of the gym said he still lifted weights occasionally and reputedly wanted to make a comeback. He is survived by his thong and two tubs of fart powder.