I've got another one that I won't tell someone unless I know them really well and know certain details of their life, specifically how long their parents have been married for! Here's why - f*cking classic
A young woman (late teens), a corporate executive, a priest and a homeless bum/tramp are all waiting in a train station for the train. When it pulls up, they all get into the same car and end up sitting next to and across each other. The girl, who's been looking very depressed from the start, suddenly bursts out into tears and starts sobbing uncontrollably. Everyone looks at each other and then, the priest breaks the awkwardness by saying, "What's the matter my child?" to which the girl says (sobbing), "Oh father! I just learnt today that I'm illegitimate. I've been devastated ever since and am very embarrassed. I've been very upset blah, blah, blah". The priest then says, "But it's not your fault! You shouldn't hold yourself responsible for something you had no control over. Besides we're all children of God, who's our father blah, blah, blah." In the end, the priest says, "And if it'll make you feel any better, I'm illegitimate too. But I'm not ashamed of it since I consider myself to be God's child, just like the rest of you are blah, blah, blah". Upon hearing this, the girl stops crying and is a little composed.
The middle aged, smartly-dressed executive guy then clears his throat, looks at the girl and says, "Excuse me, but I couldn't help overhearing you guys talk. And I want you to know that I'm illegitimate too. But I didn't worry about my past so much. I just looked forward to the future, worked hard, paid my dues and am now very happy and successful, with a beautiful family of my own. That's what you should do, not to mention like the priest said, we're all God's children blah, blah, blah". Upon hearing this, the girl's completely consoled and smiling now, as are the priest and the executive.
The bum, who's been watching the whole thing silently up until then, slowly pulls out a cigarette, puts it in his mouth and says, "Excuse me". When the 3 of them turn towards him smiling, he says, "Have any of you bastards got a light?"