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Getbig Main Boards => General Topics => Topic started by: sync pulse on July 12, 2011, 10:07:33 PM
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- My car broke down the other day,...so I took it to a garage...
- and the guy says that he's a “Quantum Mechanic”...
- I ask him if he can fix my car or not…
- He shrugs and says, " I don't know,...I'll have to look at it"
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a teachers first day on the job she goes into the classroom and starts to call role, when she gets to the f's she calls out jack fuckinghour and he says here, she thinks this is odd so she goes into the principles office and ask the principle do we have a fucking hour in this school. to which the principle answers no all we have is a coffee break. see that's considered a joke.
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You simply do not "get it"...I fully expected very few to get it...
You probably won't get this one either...
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i like stuff that doesn't make me think too much kenny bania is the voice of a new generation.
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i like stuff that doesn't make me think too much kenny bania is the voice of a new generation.
Why don't they call it Roundtine?
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Why don't they call it Roundtine?
exactly.
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- A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
- "You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.
- The Roman replies, "if I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"
- So Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer.
- The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."
- Helium doesn't react.
- So Helium walks into another bar and orders a beer.
- The bartender says, "A noble gas like yourself? No charge!"
- A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.
- So he gives it to her.
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- Why were the three artists late to the Impressionist exhibit?
- They ran out of Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
- Did you hear the one about the British nobleman who shows his Impressionist painting on his drawbridge?
- He put his Monet where his moat is…..
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- How many Freudian slips does it take to screw in a penis?
- (come back) If I had to guess, I would say sex. SIX!! I mean SIX!!I mean sex.
- An Oedipus Complex is when you mean one thing, but fuck your mother.
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- A wife asks her Fortran programmer husband to go to the store;
- The wife says, “Go to store, buy 6 apples, if they have eggs, buy 12.”
- Fortran programmer goes to store and asks, “Do you have eggs?”
- Store clerk says, “yes”
- Fortran programmer says, “Then a dozen apples, please.”
- Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
- (come back)To get to the same side
- "Stone walls do not a prism make, nor iron bars a diffraction grating."
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- A wave function walks into a bar and promptly collapses.
- He screams at the bartender "What the hell are you looking at!".
- A hydrogen atom walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "hey buddy, you gotta help me... I lost my electron!"
- Bartender says back, "Are you sure?"
- Atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive."
- A neutron walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "How much do I owe you?"
- Bartender, "For you, no charge."
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a minister walks into a grocery to buy ham. he says how much is that ham. the clerk says you mean the god dam ham. the minister says, can't you see i'm a man of the cloth yet you curse in my presence. the clerk says no that's the brand name of the ham i'm not cursing. the minister takes the ham home and his wife serves it for supper. the minister say to his son please pass me the god-dam ham. the son is startled but recovers and says now your with it pop, give me the fucking butter.
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- A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
- "You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.
- The Roman replies, "if I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"
- So Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer.
- The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."
- Helium doesn't react.
- So Helium walks into another bar and orders a beer.
- The bartender says, "A noble gas like yourself? No charge!"
- A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.
- So he gives it to her.
I met the cutest girl in math class. She was sweet as pi, but she was irrational.
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- A wave function walks into a bar and promptly collapses.
- He screams at the bartender "What the hell are you looking at!".
- A hydrogen atom walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "hey buddy, you gotta help me... I lost my electron!"
- Bartender says back, "Are you sure?"
- Atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive."
- A neutron walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "How much do I owe you?"
- Bartender, "For you, no charge."
by the way,
do you know what an algebra is?
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If I remember correctly it's of arabic/middle eastern origin,...rediscovered by the europeans when they captured the Great Library of Toledo,...The word is Al Jabr,...the study of relations...
There,...a nice big fat one teed up for you!
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- If you are not part of the solution...
- You are part of the precipitate.
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IF EDGAR ALLEN POE WAS AN IT PROFESSIONAL
Once upon a midnight dreary,
fingers cramped and vision bleary,
system manuals piled high
and wasted paper on the floor,
longing for the warmth of bed sheets,
still I sat there, doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand,
I then invoked the "save" command
and waited for the disk to store,
only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering,
long I sat there wond'ring, fearing
while the disk kept churning,
turning yet to churn some more.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother!
Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer
only this and nothing more, just,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With my fingers pale and trembling,
slowly toward the keyboard bending,
longing for a happy ending,
hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee,
timidly I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted,
words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted,
haunted, as my patience wore, saying,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted;
by my own machine accosted.
Getting up, I turned away,
and paced across the office poor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight:
a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me,
shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data,
lost and gone forevermore. Not even,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
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There once was a violinist from Rio
who was seduced by a lady named Cleo.
When she pulled down her panties,
she said, "Please no andantes,
I want this allegro con brio."
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i like stuff that doesn't make me think too much kenny bania is the voice of a new generation.
That episode was hilarious.
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- How can you tell if a drummer is knocking on your door?...
- His knocks get louder and faster with time.
- What's the difference between a chainsaw and a double bass?...
- The chainsaw is more versatile in small ensembles.
- Needed: experienced bassist for R and B band...
- Must know both notes...
- Which classical composer married his high school?...
- Gustav -- he married his Alma Mahler.
- What is perfect pitch?...
- The ability to chuck an accordion into a dumpster from 30 feet without hitting the rim.
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- How can you tell if a drummer is knocking on your door?...
- His knocks get louder and faster with time.
- What's the difference between a chainsaw and a double bass?...
- The chainsaw is more versatile in small ensembles.
- Needed: experienced bassist for R and B band...
- Must know both notes...
- Which classical composer married his high school?...
- Gustav -- he married his Alma Mahler.
- What is perfect pitch?...
- The ability to chuck an accordion into a dumpster from 30 feet without hitting the rim.
harp players spend 95% of their time tuning their harps, and 5% playing out of tune.
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- You had better get your feces cohesive...
- What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?...
- Mechanical engineers build weapons...
- Civil engineers build targets.
- Alcohol and calculus never mix...
- Never drink and derive.
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- Descartes walks into a bar....
- The bartender asks if he'd like a beer, and he finishes it...
- The bartender asks if he would like another...
- He says, "I think not" and disappears.
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The difference between Heaven and Hell:
In Heaven:
- The chefs are French.
- The police are British.
- The mechanics and technicians are German.
- And the symphony orchestras are Austrian.
In Hell:
- The chefs are British.
- The police are German.
- The mechanics and technicians are French
- And the Rock and Roll bands are Austrian………
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- A young American woman is touring Germany.
- She is walking down the street when a sleazy guy jumps out of an alley and opens his raincoat.
- "Ewww," she shrieks. "That's gross."
- "Danke schoen," he says.
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World War II Joke....
- They named a brandy after Napoleon;
- They made a herring out of Bismarck;
- So Hitler is going to end up as a piece of cheese!
(History note..."Piece of Cheese" used to be a United States slang term for Fecal Matter during WWII....)
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one orders a beer.
The second orders half a beer.
The third, a quarter of a beer.
The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers.
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A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a street café watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people entering the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people leaving the house. The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist says, "They must have reproduced." The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the house then it will be empty."
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Entry Exam For The BBC Symphony Orchestra--Viola Players
The pass mark is 10% but be careful--over 45% and you are overqualified.
Who wrote the following:
a) Beethoven's Symphony No. 6
b) Fauré's Requiem
c) Wagner's Ring Cycle
[5 pts.]
Tschaikovsky wrote 6 symphonies including Symphony no. 4. Name the other five.
[5 pts.]
Explain "counterpoint" or write your name on the reverse of the paper.
[10 pts.]
Which of the following would you tuck under you chin?
a) a timpani
b) an organ
c) a 'cello
d) a viola
[1 pt.]
Can you explain "sonata form"? (Answer yes or no.)
[5 pts.]
Which of the following literary works was made the subject of a Verdi opera?
a) First among Equals -- Jeffrey Archer
b) Macbeth -- William Shakespeare
c) Noddy and Big Ears -- Enid Blyton
[5 pts.]
Domenico Scarlatti wrote 555 harpsichord sonatas for which instrument?
[5 pts.]
Arrange the following movements in order of speed, starting with the slowest first.
a) Quickly
b) Slowly
c) Very Quickly
d) At a Moderate Pace
[4 pts.]
Where would you normally expect to find the conductor during a performance?
[5 pts.]
Which of the following wrote incidental music to A Midsummer Night's Dream?
a) Des O'Connor
b) Mickey Mouse
c) Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy
d) Terry Wogan
[5 pts.]
Which of the following is the odd one out?
a) Sir Colin Davis
b) Andrew Davis
c) Sir Peter Maxwell Davies
d) Desmond Lynham
[5 pts.]
Arrange the following words into the name of a well known Puccini opera.
Bohème, La
[5 pts.]
Within five minutes, how long is Chopin's Minute Waltz?
[5 pts.]
From which of the following countries did Richard Strauss come?
a) Venezuela
b) Sri Lanka
c) Germany
d) Japan
[5 pts.]
For what town were Haydn's "Paris" Symphonies written?
[5 pts.]
Which is the odd one out?
a) Fantasy Overture Romeo and Juliet -- Tchaikovsky
b) Romeo and Juliet -- Berlioz
c) Romeo and Juliet Ballet -- Prokofiev
d) Ten Green Bottles -- anon.
[5 pts.]
From which song do the following lines come?
"God save our gracious Queen, Long live our noble Queen."
[5 pts.]
Spell the following musical terms.
allegro
rallentando
crotchet
pizzicato
intermezzo
[5 pts.]
Tosca is a character found in which Puccini opera?
[5 pts.]
Arrange the following letters to form the abbreviation for a well known British broadcasting corporation.
C, B, B.
[5 pts.]
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- How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
- 12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
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A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."
So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished; the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit - and everything else - and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest -- and closes the bar.
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Did you stumble across a joke book for nerds?