A Bedtime Story About "BerzerkFury" and his Galpal Nicole
Nicole, or "The Hole", as she was later known in Frat circles, used to try to distract the members of her high school football team from paying too much attention to her horse teeth and gummy smile by wearing tight fitting halter tops that show off her lopsided breasts - the right one is a full 'D', the left one barely a 'C'. She had a huge crush on Nick when they were lab partners in Chemistry junior year, and they became best buds in high school, mainly because Nick was too lame to ever try to nail her, at least except for the time they went to the Korn concert at the Meadowlands and he rubbed his boner up against her while being pushed against her in the crowd. "The Hole" couldn't make the grade in college, but she kept in touch with Nick Fury and was so excited when he, after two years of not getting laid in college, invited her up for homecoming weekend at UConn.
Nick is a follower with the heart of a coward. The kind of guy who spits on a kid after he's been pushed down by the school bully. As a high school senior, he had his left ear pierced but when that failed to produce the expected wave of cheerleaders spreading their legs for him, he had no choice but to go 'Berzerk' and get the right one pierced too. Even though some freckle-faced redheaded girl from another school once told him he looked like "Josh Hartnett", he never understood that an ugly version of Josh Hartnett with no confidence or talent had no chance of pulling anything but 2s and 3s. Unfortunately, his massive self-delusion combined with impossibly high standards led him to believe he should be dating 9s and 10s like Carmen Electra and Pamela Anderson.
Anyway, he came to UConn with nothing but a Flowbee (nice hair!) and a dream, but it didn't work out the way he had hoped. After rushing Beta Fi his freshman year, he was blackballed during 'Hell Week' when he wouldn't eat the 'load sandwich' everyone else had jerked off on and started crying when the 'Pledgemaster' screamed at him. After two years of trying everything to be cool and fit in, including taking up smoking (the yellow, tobacco-stained teeth), trying steroids (the acne on his chin), and homosexuality (his fixation on the photographer's nutsack), with no results, Nick thought of transferring and starting over yet again, imagining that the 'babes' in 'Cali' would dig him. He decided to wait until after the first semester of his junior year to make up his mind.
Which brings us back to Nicole and the big football game against Boston College during Homecoming weekend. Nick, feeling as though he would go 'Berzerk' if didn't get laid soon, decided to invite old standby Nicole up to stay with him. He had been told that getting laid becomes easier after the first time, and figured Nicole was his best chance to get into a 'rhythm'.
Nicole was soooo psyched to go to the big game. It was sooooooo awesome when Nick plied her with beers while she screamed 'Gooooo Huskies' at the top of her lungs, while her too-close-together eyes tried their darndest to follow the action on the field. But the drinking didn't stop after the game. Nick dragged her to his favorite bar, and challenged her to do 'shots' with him. Later that night, as she struggled to maintain consciousness on Nick's aluminum-framed twin bed, Nick finally got to open that pack of expired Trojenz that had been rotting in his sock drawer, but by the time he figured out how to get in on, "The Hole" had passed out. Under the guise of making her comfortable, The Fury removed her clothes while she groaned "Leave me alone".
Unable to decide what to do with this 180lb. semi-nude 'stinkbitch' in his bed, he went up and down the dorm hallway until finally he found "Sledge", the coolest guy on the floor. He tells Sledge about this "chick" he "picked up" at a "party" and invites him back to his room to "check her out". Sledge follows him back to the room, sees the fat mess on Nick's bed and tells Nick, "I'd fuck her.". Nick agrees, "Yeah, man, that's what I was thinking". Now that the woefully insecure Nick has cleared it with Sledge, he quietly closes his door and hovers over his "galpal" for a few minutes before deciding that this is about as close to sex as he'll ever come if he doesn't act quickly. He puts on a condom and bangs his drunk, passed-out, unconscious, high school buddy, taking great pleasure when she momentarily gains sufficient consciousness to eke out a few slurred "nooo nick...noooooo"s before blacking out again. He finishes quickly, but instead of sparing her any further indignity, he runs down the hall to knock on Sledge's door to break the 'cool' news.
Sledge answers the door, "What's up, guy?"
Nick smiles at the influence Sledge has had on his pathetic life, and says, "Dude, I fucked the shit out of that slut." Sludge laughs, "You mean that passed-out pig on your bed?" Nick hesitates, then senses something. "Uh....just kidding." "Oh," says Sledge, "because that would be fucked up...you can go to jail for shit like that." Nick retreats, "Yeah man, I would never do that. See you tomorrow". On his way back to his room, he passes a crying and barely-dressed Nicole stumbling out of his room with her shirt half-unbuttoned. When he tries to guide her to the elevator, she tearfully screams, "GET AWAY FROM ME!" And Nick returns to his room, logs onto the computer and spends the rest of his night, "owning" people on Getbig.
And that my friends, is the story of BerzerkFury.
