Getbig.com: American Bodybuilding, Fitness and Figure
Getbig Female Info Boards => Open Talk for Girl Discussion => Topic started by: Cap on December 20, 2006, 06:13:25 PM
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Twenty-six things a perfect guy would do,
and other propaganda disseminated by misguided women.
Someone recently sent me an email titled 26 things a perfect guy would do. I thought "hmm, nobody could possibly send me anything so stupid, it can't possibly be as dumb as it sounds." I stand corrected. The email was just as advertised: a wish list of how women supposedly want men to act, as if men in this country weren't already an episode of Friends away from turning into giant walking vaginas.
I never thought I'd ever read anything that would induce my gag reflex so quickly, and this is after having read the details of an anal prolapse that a friend sent me tonight. Here is the abridged list (because the full list might literally cause you to barf on your keyboard, and frankly, it's not worth reading), followed by my response to each "thing" that a "perfect guy would do:"
1. Know how to make you smile when you are down!
When will women realize that they don't live on the set of a romantic comedy? Unless making you smile involves me playing video games while you cook me a steak, you're in for a disappointment. You don't think guys ever feel "down?" The door swings both ways, bitch.
2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.
What? Why the hell would I want to smell a woman's hair? It smells bad enough with all the sprays and perfume they use. Enough with the conditioners, sprays, and cream already; that shit makes my eyes water. What the hell is conditioner anyway?
3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.
Translation: bail you out when you fail at life, but never bring it up during conversations.
4. Give you the remote control during the game.
This one is inherently stupid because it implies that all guys like to watch "the game." Since I'd rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea than watch "the game," I'll assume the author meant something worthy of watching, such as Ren & Stimpy, in which case you need to put the bitch down if she touches your remote.
5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
LAME. Who has time for this? Sounds like something out of a herpes commercial where some lady is rock climbing or doing something else which symbolizes her independence, then out of nowhere she blurts out "I HAVE HERPES." The music gets all serious and you hear a voice over "...there is no cure," cue inspirational music "but treatment is available." Then it cuts to a shot of the bitch on a beach and a guy runs up behind her and puts his arms around her. Good job dumbass, you're dating a skank with herpes.
6. Play with your hair.
Again with the hair? Women never play with the hair on my back, why the double standard?
7. His hands always find yours.
This is one of those things women read and say "AWW HOW ROMANTIC." I have news for you: holding hands is stupid. Women don't know the first thing about being romantic. Only lesbians hold hands anyway; allow me to explain. The only time it's acceptable to hold hands with anyone is if you're at a peace vigil. Guys don't go to peace vigils, period. If you do, you have to surrender your balls and get a sex transplant because you're a bitch; in either case, you're a woman, and when two women hold hands it can only lead to one thing as far as I'm concerned.
8. Be cute when he really wants something.
Bullshit. When I want something, I yell. If she can't hear me in the kitchen, sometimes I'll threaten beatings if I'm sober.
9. Offer you plenty of massages.
For your boobs maybe. I happen to have the uncanny ability to massage breasts. With my mouth.
10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples.
11. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.
See, this is what pisses me off about women: they expect special treatment at their discretion. They want equal rights, equal pay, and equal treatment for everything EXCEPT when it comes to shit like this, then they want you to "react cutely" instead of, say, putting them in a head lock and making them eat ants and/or spiders while you give them carpet burn. Why don't women react "cutely" when men hit them for a change? Oops, I forgot, that's domestic abuse.
12. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
Any guy who would drive five hours just to see a chick for one is an asshole. If every guy drove around for five hours just to spend one with their girlfriend, we'd fill up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on the exhaust, get cancer, and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we slowly die from internal bleeding.
13. Stare at you.
You stupid attention seeking whore, just buy the bitch a mirror, because apparently she thinks that you don't have anything better to do than to sit around and stare at her. If women ran the world, we'd still be searching for the wheel.
14. Call for no reason.
Oops, this one belongs on the list of "Twenty-six things women do that piss men off because they need to fill their otherwise vapid lives with something to make them feel like they have a purpose for existing as they eventually realize that they're pissing their youth away on stupid bullshit like fashion trends."
I can't go on, I'm going to go do something less painful like stick my dick in the oven.
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lmao! ;D
now..the girls that can avctually laugh at this are the ones that are worth dating and doing all those things for!
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I got a kick out of that! :D
If I were a man...I would have written it myself.
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I got a kick out of that! :D
If I were a man...I would have written it myself.
I'm glad you liked it. That's its intention, to amuse. 8)
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I'm glad you liked it. That's its intention, to amuse. 8)
pros is married to chick..but ya DO realize that you just lost any possible shot with any single chick on here...
join the club mate ;D and bravo!
pride > pussy
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pros is married to chick..but ya DO realize that you just lost any possible shot with any single chick on here...
join the club mate ;D and bravo!
pride > pussy
I could care less since I have a gf. Lol. She laughed at it so I'm good. Tasha, did Bob get a kick out of it?
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I could care less since I have a gf. Lol. She laughed at it so I'm good. Tasha, did Bob get a kick out of it?
i hope you woulda been just as brazen if you were single mate.... 8)
now go watch my friggin vid i posted... >:( i'm gonna keep pestering people untill someones does..
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i hope you woulda been just as brazen if you were single mate.... 8)
now go watch my friggin vid i posted... >:( i'm gonna keep pestering people untill someones does..
I'm fun when I'm single and would still post it. 8)
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I'm fun when I'm single and would still post it. 8)
be fun when u r taken mang...
put a mouse in your girlfriends closet..if she likes mice..then a pet lizard does the trick!
scream out "i'm the king of the world" when having sex
take her out to a really nice dinner out in the middle of nowwhere at a new place and then pretend to be totally lost on the way back...
tell her you r done 2 seconds into making love when u aren't really.. ;D
<grin> there r soo many ways to torture your girl just to make life more interesting for you mang...you r only limited by your imagination! ;D
ooo..btw..exlax..yeah dont do that one..bad idea...not aparently not funny.. :(
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Bwahahaha....we're gonna get busted here. PM me some more funny stuff
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ahh that's from maddox.xmission.com
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ahh that's from maddox.xmission.com
yep 8)
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I could care less since I have a gf. Lol. She laughed at it so I'm good. Tasha, did Bob get a kick out of it?
I read him the finer parts...he cocked a smile.
I cant help but say that I don't blame you boys for feeling the way you do sometimes. Us girls get a little "weee-tarr-ted" at times. But don't feel off the hook...I'm sure we could come up with our own "26 list". Thats what makes it so fun to be with you crazy boys.
We all love you just the same!! :D :-*
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I read him the finer parts...he cocked a smile.
I cant help but say that I don't blame you boys for feeling the way you do sometimes. Us girls get a little "weee-tarr-ted" at times. But don't feel off the hook...I'm sure we could come up with our own "26 list". Thats what makes it so fun to be with you crazy boys.
We all love you just the same!! :D :-*
Prolly more like a list of 260 but at the end we would say...."huh? did you say something?"
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Twenty-six things a "perfect guy would do:"
1. Know how to make you smile when you are down!
2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.
3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.
4. Give you the remote control during the game.
5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
6. Play with your hair.
7. His hands always find yours.
8. Be cute when he really wants something.
9. Offer you plenty of massages.
10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
11. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.
12. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
13. Stare at you.
14. Call for no reason.
Thanks Cap! Sounds like I found the perfect guy!!! :D But then again...I already knew I had. ;)
Let me add a few more...
15. Hold building doors open for you.
16. Unlock your car door (manually even if he has a clicker), open and close after you get in.
17. Carries your bundles.
18. Opts to cook you dinner once in a while.
19. Pours you a glass of wine when he knows you had a bad day.
20. Gets up at 5am and goes to the gym with you because "you're" getting ready for a show.
21. Does the 9pm 2 mile walk (even though he's not supposed to) because "you're" getting ready for a show.
21. Offers to help with the cleaning of the house (we're working on this one, lol) without having to be told what to do.
22. Misses you (and says so) when you're at work and feels lost when you're not in bed sleeping beside him.
23. ...the list goes on and on
And, the funny thing is that a lot of guys will look at this list and say "pussy" or "whipped". The only thing is that they aren't big things and it's those small things that are truly appreciated by women and noticed by women. And when they are received...they are also given. All those small things say "I love you" and all those small things show respect for the person you love. Plain and simple. :)
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I do all that shit for any one of "Humungous's Angels" :)
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wow Cher yall ARE in love :)
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wow Cher yall ARE in love :)
true dat ;)
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Here's a seasonal one...
His and Hers Christmas Road Trip
HERS
1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. Opens window.
3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.
4. Arrives at destination presently.
HIS
1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
3. Drives an extra five miles just in case.
4. Finally rolls down window.
5. Hocks a loogie.
6. Pulls up to a 7-Eleven.
7. Gets three hot dogs, a large Slurpee and beef jerky.
8. Asks foreigner behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
9. Gets back into car.
10. Farts, after he closes the door.
11. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-Eleven.
12. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because the pimply 17-year-old 7-Eleven cashier said it was.
13. Almost hits a deer.
14. Curses the night.
15. Curses you.
16. Curses the large Slurpee.
17. Stops by the side of the road.
18 Takes a leak.
19. Still taking a leak.
20. Almost done...she thinks.
21. Returns to car.
22. Drives and fiddles with radio.
23. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.
24. Admits he didn't want to go to Christmas dinner at your sister's new house anyway.
25. He hates your sister, ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.
26. He had to look up pernicious.
27. Couldn't find a dictionary.
28. Finally found a dictionary.
29. Couldn't spell pernicious.
30. Seethes at the memory of it all.
31. But she is laughing inside.
32. And of course you're still lost.
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10. Farts, after he closes the door.
;D
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;D
;D.
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lol
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This thread has the potential to be longer than the "hulk/truce" thread on G&O.
Cheri had it right....its the small things. :)
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This thread has the potential to be longer than the "hulk/truce" thread on G&O.
Cheri had it right....its the small things. :)
If this went 715 pages I would be impressed. The little things do count, that's why I committed to my gf. ;)
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If this went 715 pages I would be impressed. The little things do count, that's why I committed to my gf. ;)
Committing to your girlfriend is a little thing? :o
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Committing to your girlfriend is a little thing? :o
Lol, no. The little things she did for me when we were "seeing" each other made me commit to her and she still does them. ;D
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Lol, no. The little things she did for me when we were "seeing" each other made me commit to her and she still does them. ;D
Okay... I worried about you for a second or two. ;) Anyway, the little things always count, no matter who with, family, friends, the man (woman) etc.
(Maybe we could get this thread to 700 plus pages. Since I work with an all man crew, (have learned a LOT!!!) the women dispersed around the world send me lots of supportive man joke e-mails. I can find many, many. :))
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I have a good one that explains the difference between men and women but I will await a man-joke until posting it, out of respect for you Deedee, cuz you have taught me alot. 8)
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I have a good one that explains the difference between men and women but I will await a man-joke until posting it, out of respect for you Deedee, cuz you have taught me alot. 8)
Now I'm more worried. :)
Laughing is always good. :) Guess I learned that more than ever dealing with the man crew. Mostly because they're all bright and funny and somehow since we all work together so closely, they had to let the curtain down. They ain't perfect, and I've witnessed first hand how bad they can be in a foreign country... :P But, especially at Christmas time, many of the guys worry about their jobs and providing for a family. Sometimes teh women forget about all that. I've learned a little more just being around them, (not always great >:(, but...) so my life with the man, and what I laugh about, is mostly more about laughing than not. That must sound worse than one of my German sappy lines... lol.
I did post the traveling one after you, but have no prob finding many more. :D
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Now I'm more worried. :)
Laughing is always good. :) Guess I learned that more than ever dealing with the man crew. Mostly because they're all bright and funny and somehow since we all work together so closely, they had to let the curtain down. They ain't perfect, and I've witnessed first hand how bad they can be in a foreign country... :P But, especially at Christmas time, many of the guys worry about their jobs and providing for a family. Sometimes teh women forget about all that. I've learned a little more just being around them, (not always great >:(, but...) so my life with the man, and what I laugh about, is mostly more about laughing than not. That must sound worse than one of my German sappy lines... lol.
I did post the traveling one after you, but have no prob finding many more. :D
If you post one then I'll post one. ;)
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This one's old... but classic!
How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing robe. If you see b/f along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more abs/hams, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing robe and towel on head. If you see b/f along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see g/f along the way, shake wiener at her and say "YEAH, baby."
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass g/f, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and say "YEAH, baby" again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
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This is what women send to each other... when having bad day with guys at the office. ;)
How to put a bra on...
http://uncutvideo.aol.com/videos/dc64b4d956e8894cdb3c39c7731715fd
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This is what women send to each other... when having bad day with guys at the office. ;)
How to put a bra on...
http://uncutvideo.aol.com/videos/dc64b4d956e8894cdb3c39c7731715fd
that...
was awesome! :D
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I love it! ;D
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Deedee...
I officially nominate you as " THE SHIT", continuing to make woman of the world proud that we share your gender! :-*
That was so funny.
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ahh that's from maddox.xmission.com
That guy is fucking hillarious."Love your kids,prove it by beating them!"
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Lol, it's amazing how much of this stuff gets traded at work. Here's my fav from the UK. I think it's apros po for Getbig... ;)
*WARNING: Graphic content.*
Pelvic Powerlifting:
More Olympic Games:
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{ROTFLMAO} Chris, this list is hilarious!
12. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
Any guy who would drive five hours just to see a chick for one is an asshole. If every guy drove around for five hours just to spend one with their girlfriend, we'd fill up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on the exhaust, get cancer, and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we slowly die from internal bleeding.
Although #12 isn't all that bad, ...not if you're using FFi's MPG-CAPsTM (http://jme.mpgproduct.com/default.aspx?cid=50962) <---click me
They've been proven to cut harmful emissions by up to 80% or more.
FFi's MPG-CapsTM, make it more economical to drive around for hours without asking for directions,
...or to drive for 5 hrs, just to see your girl for 1 hr. because you'll travel further on the same amount of fuel.
Just think about all the money you'll save, ...and all the points you'll score with your girl.
Talk about feeding 2 birds with 1 worm :P (no pun intended) ...ok, ...maybe just a little pun. ;)
You should hear what people are saying (http://jme.mpgproduct.com/P-interviews.aspx?cid=50962) about all the money they are saving using FFi MPG-CAPsTM!!! :o
(http://www.jaguarenterprises.net/images/banner_caps.jpg) (http://jme.mpgproduct.com/buyproducts.aspx?cid=50962)
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This is what women send to each other... when having bad day with guys at the office. ;)
How to put a bra on...
http://uncutvideo.aol.com/videos/dc64b4d956e8894cdb3c39c7731715fd
This is just fabulous!!!! ;D Love it, love it, love it...
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This is just fabulous!!!! ;D Love it, love it, love it...
Judi! Merry Christmas. Michael asks that I extend you his appologies for not getting back to you. He's not really good at that, lol. Anyway, I would like you to be the first to know what he got me for x-mas so check your PMs. :)
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Judi! Merry Christmas. Michael asks that I extend you his appologies for not getting back to you. He's not really good at that, lol. Anyway, I would like you to be the first to know what he got me for x-mas so check your PMs. :)
Mike Arvilla... you da man!!! 8)
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For you Deedee ;D
Female prayer:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who'se handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call not wait for weeks.
I pray that he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend
Amen.
Male Prayer:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
Amen.
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Hey Cap, luv ya brotha! That was HILARIOUS!
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{ROTFLOL}
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Female prayer:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who'se handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call not wait for weeks.
I pray that he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my body AND my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend
Amen.
There... just one slight inclusion. Amen. :)
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For you Deedee ;D
Female prayer:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who'se handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call not wait for weeks.
I pray that he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend
Amen.
Male Prayer:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
Amen.
Thanks darlin.' ;D
ps. We missed you!
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Thanks darlin.' ;D
ps. We missed you!
Lol. I promised the wife aka my gf, that I wouldn't be on the computer that much anymore. PS. the feeling is mutual. ;)