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Getbig Main Boards => Gossip & Opinions => Topic started by: nzmusclemonster on November 20, 2014, 01:51:47 AM
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Mine:
What's the difference between a rock and a dead baby?
You can't fuck a rock.
:-\
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What do you do if an epileptic falls in your hottub?
Throw your laundry in.
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I've got some great Casey Anthony Jokes
But I can't tell them, my mom will kill me
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What can an elevator do that a Mexican can't. .....raise their kids...
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A mexican and two black guys are sitting in a car. Who's driving?
The cops.
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What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?
Michael Phelps can finish a race.
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Branch winning the Arnold's classic.
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What looks like a vampire and is dead?
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What's the difference between a jew and a pizza? ???
A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
How many jews fit in a vw bug? ???
2 in the front seat, 2 in the back seat, and 50 in the ashtray.
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This one you can sorta work like an aristocrats joke -
Daughter wants to borrow the car, so she asks her dad -
Daughter - "Daddy can I borrow the car to go to the mall with Michelle and Nancy?"
Dad goes - "I don't know, it's new and I don't like those girls, but I'll tell you what, it's been a while, and yer mom ain't getting it done, so you blow me, and you can have the car for a while".
So she protests for a few minutes, and then starts blowing him, about two minutes in, she stops and goes 'jeez dad, your dick really tastes like shit!".
He looks down at her and goes "Oh? , your brother asked for $20, remind me to get it from him next week."
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Other ones I've liked -
Q - "Why did God make (insert racial group here) stink?"
A - "So the blind can hate them too."
This is my absolute favorite to open with at parties -
Horse walks into a bar....
Bartender goes "Why the long face?"
Horse sez - "I just found out I've got the AIDS".
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Mine:
What's the difference between a rock and a dead baby?
You can't fuck a rock.
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You clearly come from a bad social spectrum.
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what has two legs, sits in a corner and bleeds profusely?
Half a dog
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What do you tell a women with 2 black eyes?
-nothing, you already told her twice
What do you call a woman with one black eye?
-a good listener
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3
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White guy walks up to the bank and sees a little black kid standing on the corner...guy comes out and the kid says ..."hey mister any change?".....the guy says "nope your still black"..
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Q: What do you call the useless, worthless skin that is located on the outside of the vagina?
A: the woman
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The one Bob Chic and Dennis James pulled at the 2013 O.
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Leper walks into a full restaurant & looks for a table.
Sees a guy on his own and says "do you mind if I share your table? I am a leper and if that puts you off, it's OK"
Guy on the table tells him it's no problem and to sit down.
So first course comes and the leper is eating and he sees the guy retch. Leper says "Look - I can move if I'm making you sick" but the guy insists it's OK.
Second course come and the guy vomits in his mouth a bit but swallows it down. Leper says "I can see I'm making you uncomfortable here, I'll go" - guy insists it's not him and tells him to stay.
Third course comes and the guy pukes - pukes over the table, over the floor, over the fucking lepers shoes.
Leper says "I'm really sorry, I will go now".
Guy says "no, sit down - it's not you"
Leper says "if it's not me, what is it then?"...
"that filthy bastard behind you dipping his bread in your neck"
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English guy walks into a bar in Texas. Sees a funny shape bowl on the floor.
Asks the bar man "what's that on the floor?". Bar man tells him it's a spitoon.
Our English hero, always up for a bet, says to the bar man - "I bet $100 I can drink some of that". Bar man says "OK- you are on".
So he lifts the spitoon to his lips and gulp, gulp, gulp
Barman says "fuck man, that's gross - Ok - you win $100"
But the guy just shakes his head and carries on - gulp, gulp, gulp
The barman says "man, stop you are making me feel sick"
But no - just gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp
The barman can't take any more and pukes violently all over the bar
But our man just carries on - gulp, gulp, gulp
The barman dry retches so violently he shits his pants
And finally one last gulp and the man puts down the empty spitoon.
The barman looks up through his red, watery eyes "what the fuck man, it was $100 to drink just some of it - why did you drink the lot?"
"Cause it was all in one lump"
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How do you make an Ethiopian woman pregnant?
Come on her feet and let the flies do the rest...
As an aside - I used to live in Knoxville TN, I was at a bar and a couple of good old boys from Alabama were in there. I ended up talking to them for some reason (probably because they said "hey, boy come 'ere") and the above joke was about the 2nd thing they said to me.
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Why did the Indian cross the road?
To sleep in the other ditch.
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Black Jews have to sit in the back of the oven.
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Why is 6 afraid of 7?
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What do you call 4 black guys in a car?
-Tinted Windows
How do you babysit black kids?
-Put velcro on the ceiling and have them jump up and down on the bed
What do you call a black guy in a suit?
-The defendant
What do you call 10000 dead jews?
- A good start
What did the blonde say when the cop pulled her over?
- oh geez, another blowjob
What do you get when you have 32 native Indians?
- a full set of teeth
What do you say to a black guy in a nice car?
-Stop! thief
What do you do if you accidentally run over a jew in your car?
-back up and run him over again
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why won't a shark attack a black man? cause it thinks that's a whale's turd
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Why do black men like fucking white chicks over blacks?
-because they're easier to see in the dark
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what is a black guy doing after sex?
15 to life
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Why are short Mexicans called paragraph?....cause they're too short to be called "ESSAY"..
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How do you make your dick look bigger?
Have A baby hold it.
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A pedophile and a 10 year old walk into the forest. The 10 year old says "it's dark and I'm scared." Pedo says "how do you think I feel, I gotta walk out of here alone"
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What do you do if an epileptic falls in your hottub?
Throw your laundry in.
I actually take a lot of offence at this joke. A friend of mine actually died in the bath following an epileptic fit.
He choked on a dirty sock.
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Q: What's the difference between a hooker and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you cut up a hooker.
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Q: What's the difference between a hooker and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you cut up a hooker.
THAT ONE IS GREAT..
Whats the difference between a baby and a trampoline??
You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline...
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I raped a girl last night and i have to say this morning i feel terrible..........
I think she has given me the flu
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What do you call a black guy in a tree with a briefcase?
A branch manager.
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What do you call a black guy on the moon?
An astronaut you racist piece of shit. 8)
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3
:'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
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A man goes to the doctor and says he needs to buy birth control for his 10-year-old daughter.
The doctor asks if his daughter is sexually active. The man says, No, she just lays there like her mother
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A man goes to the doctor and says he needs to buy birth control for his 10-year-old daughter.
The doctor asks if his daughter is sexually active. The man says, No, she just lays there like her mother
Oh wow !! HAHAHAHAHA !!!
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My grandfather was killed in a concentration camp. He fell out of a guard tower.
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What looks like a vampire and is dead?
How the fuck did anyone miss that?
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Ladies and Gentlemen....President Barack Husain Obama
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Ladies and Gentlemen....President Barack Husain Obama
(http://images.sodahead.com/polls/003307233/432123477_WaitYoumadbro_xlarge.jpeg)
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What's the best part about taking a shower with a 12-year old boy?
If you slick his hair back, he looks like he's eight.
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How the fuck did anyone miss that?
:o
Too soon!
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How the fuck did anyone miss that?
:o
Too soon!
Oh, wow, that took a second look. :-\ :).
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My grandfather was killed in a concentration camp. He fell out of a guard tower.
Classic tommy wishbone :D
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Oh, wow, that took a second look. :-\ :).
Someone help me out with this one... ???
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Someone help me out with this one... ???
x2.
bigger guys are inquiring.
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I'll write it in white to not ruin it, just highlight it -
The running joke was that Toxic Avenger, the guy who died, looked like a Pakistani Dracula.
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I'll write it in white to not ruin it, just highlight it -
The running joke was that Toxic Avenger, the guy who died, looked like a Pakistani Dracula.
Oh.
yeah. the originator of that joke is a foul little autistic piece of assburger shit.
I honestly wish him the worst luck possible in all future endeavors, up to and including his father stubbing his toe regularly.
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How do you know if your roomate is gay?
When his dick tastes like shit!
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What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?
Gang rape.
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What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?
Gang rape.
hahahaha!
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Yeast infections?
Because once in a while women deserve to see what it feels like to live with an irritated c u n t.
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Why there is always a bucket of fresh shit at the chuch door in any African wedding?
- So the flyes wouln't buzz around the bride
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.
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What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?
Gang rape.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :-[
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What's the best thing about having sex with 29 year olds?
There's 20 of them.
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What's the best thing about having sex with 29 year olds?
There's 20 of them.
Hi Vince basile
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Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The first man's dog asked the second man's dog what he's there for. They are putting me down. Oh no, says the first dog, why? The second dog says, "Well, you see... I've been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put to sleep. The second dog says, "Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn't like it because my scent wasn't anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.
The third dog said, "This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her clothes. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!" The other dogs say, " so' that's why they are putting you to sleep?" No says the dog, "She is bringing me here to get my toenails clipped!"
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
Howard calls to see his mate Pete, who has a broken leg.
Pete says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Pete's two stunning 18 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dear girls, your Dad sent me up here to fuck ya both."
"Fuck off you liar!"
"I'll prove it," Howard says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Pete?"
"Of course, what's the use of fuckin' one?"
Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away
What is the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck
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What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What you you shaking for? She's gonna eat me!!!
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Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The first man's dog asked the second man's dog what he's there for. They are putting me down. Oh no, says the first dog, why? The second dog says, "Well, you see... I've been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put to sleep. The second dog says, "Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn't like it because my scent wasn't anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.
The third dog said, "This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her clothes. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!" The other dogs say, " so' that's why they are putting you to sleep?" No says the dog, "She is bringing me here to get my toenails clipped!"
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
Howard calls to see his mate Pete, who has a broken leg.
Pete says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Pete's two stunning 18 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dear girls, your Dad sent me up here to fuck ya both."
"Fuck off you liar!"
"I'll prove it," Howard says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Pete?"
"Of course, what's the use of fuckin' one?"
Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away
What is the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck
GOLD !!
Great jokes, guys !! :D
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;D ;D ;D
some epic ones here! keep em coming boys!
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I bought my girlfriend the Josef Fritzl advent calendar.
Every time she tries to open a door, I close it and rape her
Man lying in bed after having sex with his Thai wife.
She keeps stroking his cock. He says, do you like my cock that much? She says, "No I just miss mine."
I called the Rape Advice Line earlier today.
Unfortunately, it's only for victims
Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.
The first nun says "St Peter, I once saw a man's penis. May I still enter?"
St Peter replies "Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed."
The second nun says "St Peter, I once touched a man's penis. May I still enter?"
St Peter replies "Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed."
St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns.
The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. "What is going on?" he asks the fourth nun.
"I'm trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her ass in the font".
Boobs are proof that men CAN focus on two things at once
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear and the tell him he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet and he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Then there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
The Klansmen walk off. As they're walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies!
One blonde genie says to the other one, "Hey, I can understand the first wish, having all those beautiful women to make love to and I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."
What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
What's the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes of silence!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
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Guy and his girl are finishing up sex when she turns to him and says, "You know, I think you're a pedophile."
Guy scoffs, "Wow, that's a pretty big word for a ten year-old."
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "I have good news and I have bad news. First the bad news: Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine." "Oh my God," says Mr. Jones. "Will she ever recover?"
"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.
"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails. The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her bowels. Of course, you must clean her immediately to avoid bedsores."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to withe off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder, and says, "but I have good news as well."
"What could possibly be good about this?!" wails Mr. Jones.
Doctor smiles. "I'm just fucking with you. She's dead."