Getbig.com: American Bodybuilding, Fitness and Figure
Getbig Main Boards => General Topics => Topic started by: Brixtonbulldog on September 15, 2006, 06:20:48 AM
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Anyone got any jokes? I'm dying of boredom at work.
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Three girls go out one night and get really wasted. At the end of the night they part ways and promise to meet the next morning for a big greasy breakfast.
The next morning all three girls show up looking much the worse for ware and begin to retell there various adventures in heading home.
"When I walked through the front door" the first girl starts "I made it about three steps before lying down and blowing chunks for about 15 mins".
The other girls agreed that yes, that was pretty bad.
Then the second girl claimed she could top that. "When I was leaving I thought it would be a good idea to drive my car home, and I subsequently wrapped it round a tree and wrote it off. I'm lucky to be here."
The other two were shocked.
Thinking she could top even that the third girl piped up,"well, when I got home I put the stove on to make some eggs and passed out, forgetting about them and burnt out half my kitchen."
There was a stunned silence until the first girl coughed and said "I don't think you guys understand, Chunks is the name of my dog."
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thats just gross.
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"I don't think you guys understand, Chunks is the name of my dog."
I just took back those 50 points I gave you the other day! :-X
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what it was funny. Admit it you guys chuckled some. Judi, free day remember? Can't take anything away.
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Then I'm taking away 100 points tomorrow! >:(
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well if you do that then there will be no tiramisu for you might not even take you over my knee and spank that caramel ass of yours.
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A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.
"Why not gold?"
"Because I want you to come second for once!"
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Well since you somewhat redeemed yourself with this joke, I suppose I can subtract only 50 points.
But you can't refuse me my tiramisu. It wouldn't be right. :'(
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Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.
"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.
"Who is this?''
What's my point total at?
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What do you get when you cross the Pillsbury Doughboy with Raggedy Ann?
A red headed bitch with a sour dough yeast infection.
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Three girls go out one night and get really wasted. At the end of the night they part ways and promise to meet the next morning for a big greasy breakfast.
The next morning all three girls show up looking much the worse for ware and begin to retell there various adventures in heading home.
"When I walked through the front door" the first girl starts "I made it about three steps before lying down and blowing chunks for about 15 mins".
The other girls agreed that yes, that was pretty bad.
Then the second girl claimed she could top that. "When I was leaving I thought it would be a good idea to drive my car home, and I subsequently wrapped it round a tree and wrote it off. I'm lucky to be here."
The other two were shocked.
Thinking she could top even that the third girl piped up,"well, when I got home I put the stove on to make some eggs and passed out, forgetting about them and burnt out half my kitchen."
There was a stunned silence until the first girl coughed and said "I don't think you guys understand, Chunks is the name of my dog."
Blah HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH AHAHAHAH!
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(http://i9.tinypic.com/434819l.jpg)
(http://i9.tinypic.com/34zj8ua.gif)
(http://i9.tinypic.com/4bi1zi9.jpg)
(http://i10.tinypic.com/2mdjwx2.gif)
(http://i9.tinypic.com/35hejp1.jpg)
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hahah
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A couple from West Virginia just had their 10th child. After they arrived home from the hospital the wife told her husband that they CANNOT have any more children and to see the local doctor to help find a way to prevent her from getting pregnanat anymore.
When he told the doctor of his dilema the doctor replied "Earl, that's and easy one. First go to your tool shed, get an empty coffee can, drop a cherry bomb in it, light it, hold it up to your ear and count to 10 and all your problems will be solved."
"Wow, sounds easy enuf!" replied Earl.
Earl went and told his wife of the doctors remedy, but his wife was hesitant. "That don't quite sound right honey. Why don't you got to Virginia and ask one of them Virginia Tech doctors?"
Earl went to Virginia and told a VT doctor about his dilema. "Earl the procedure is called a vasectomy. We cut the vas deferens and sperm can no longer be ejaculated out of your penis."
"Well, that sounds great doc. Can't wait to get home and tell my wife in West Virginia!"
"You're from West Virginia?" asked the doctor. "Here's the real simple way. First go to your tool shed, get an empty coffee can, drop a cherry bomb in it, light it, hold it up to your ear and count to 10 and all your problems will be solved."
"That's what the last doctor told me!" exclaimed Earl.
When he got home he told his wife what the doctor said and his wife said "Well if the VT doctor said the same thing I guess it's okay."
Earl said "I'm gonna do it right now!"
Earl went out to the tool shed, got out an empty coffee can, dropped a cherry bomb in it, lit it and held it up to his left ear and started counting to 10 on his right hand. "1,2,3,4,5....pause {puts can between his legs and continues to count on his left hand} 6,7.....................
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the entire "gayer than" thread is fantastic... unless you're homophobic
xL
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maths joke:
(Definition of prime: Those who relate only with themselves or with the poor one who nobody likes ;-)
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Subject: Trainee Joke
IT'S ALL ABOUT QUICK THINKING
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first
day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a
f
***ing cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool, you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are f***ing talking
to, you idiot?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.
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A Blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells
The salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains. "
The salesman assures her that they have a large
selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink
>> >floral
>> > > >> >
>> > > >> >> print.
>> > > >> >>
>> > > >> >> The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
>> > > >> >>
>> > > >> >> The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches.'
>> > > >> >>
>> > > >> >> "Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds
>>very
>>small,
>> > > >> >> what room are they for?"
>> > > >> >> The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they
>>are for
>>her
>> > > >> >> computer monitor.
>> > > >> >> The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do
>>not
>>need
>> > > >> >> curtains!"
>> > > >> >> The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo .. I?ve got
>>Windoooooows
xxxL
(sorry for poor multi>>>forwarded
ps: I've got mac, so luv this one
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*************************
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across the campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my
own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take
what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."
>>--------------------------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half
empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
>>--------------------------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these people? We've been waiting for 15
minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The priest said, "Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with
him."
"Hi George, what's the matter that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
aren't they?"
The green keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I
think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
friend and see if there is anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
>>--------------------------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I
am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately
30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude
and between 59 and 60
degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are
going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect
people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
>>--------------------------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets
>>------------------------------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
>>
Normal people . believe that if it isn't broken, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it isn't broken, it doesn't have enough features
yet.
>>--------------------------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion
and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" Replied the architect and artist.
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are
spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some
work done."
>>-------------------------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
One day, an engineer was crossing a road when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't
you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look. I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
*****************keep smiling !!!!!**********bye
xL
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A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.
"Why not gold?"
"Because I want you to come second for once!"
this one i like
xL
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$100 tattoo
>
>
>
An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the
hell have you been?"
>
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo".
>
>
A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
>
>
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis," he said proudly.
>
>
>
> "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in
>disdain.
>
>"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill on his
>penis?"
"Well,
For one, I like to watch my money grow," he began. "Second, once in a while, I like to play with my money. Third, I like how money feels in my hand
and lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home
and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"
>
>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Three girls go out one night and get really wasted. At the end of the night they part ways and promise to meet the next morning for a big greasy breakfast.
The next morning all three girls show up looking much the worse for ware and begin to retell there various adventures in heading home.
"When I walked through the front door" the first girl starts "I made it about three steps before lying down and blowing chunks for about 15 mins".
The other girls agreed that yes, that was pretty bad.
Then the second girl claimed she could top that. "When I was leaving I thought it would be a good idea to drive my car home, and I subsequently wrapped it round a tree and wrote it off. I'm lucky to be here."
The other two were shocked.
Thinking she could top even that the third girl piped up,"well, when I got home I put the stove on to make some eggs and passed out, forgetting about them and burnt out half my kitchen."
There was a stunned silence until the first girl coughed and said "I don't think you guys understand, Chunks is the name of my dog."
this is not too funny
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>>
>>------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>
>> > Dear Mrs. Fenton
>> >
>> > Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has
>>been causing
>> > quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type
>>of behavior
>> > and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in
>>any of our
>> > stores.
>> >
>> > We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance
>>equipment.
>> > Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble
>>your husband
>> > has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been
>>compiled and are
>> > listed below.
>> >
>> > Mr. Wally Underpants President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint
>>Department
>> > MEMO
>> >
>> >
>> > Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints
>> > 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his
>>spouse is
>> > shopping:
>> >
>> > 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them
>>in people's
>> > carts when they
>> > weren't looking.
>> >
>> > 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off
>>at 5-minute
>> > intervals.
>> >
>> > 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading
>>to the
>> > restrooms.
>> >
>> > 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
>>official tone,
>> > 'Code 3' in housewares.....
>> > and watched what happened.
>> >
>> > 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag
>>of M&M's on
>> > layaway.
>> >
>> > 6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
>>carpeted area.
>> >
>> > 7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
>>told other
>> > shoppers he'd invite
>> > them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
>>department.
>> >
>> > 8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he
>>begins to
>> cry
>> > and asks Why can't
>> > you people just leave me alone?'
>> >
>> > 9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it
>>as a
>> mirror,
>> > and picked his nose.
>> >
>> > 10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
>>department, asked the
>> > clerk if he knows
>> > where the antidepressants are.
>> >
>> > 11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly
>>humming the
>> > "Mission Impossible" theme.
>> >
>> > 12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his
>>"Madonna look"
>> using
>> > different size funnels.
>> >
>> > 13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
>>browse through,
>> > yelled "PICK ME!"
>> > "PICK ME!"
>> >
>> > 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
>>speaker, he
>> > assumes the fetal
>> > position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices
>>again!!!!"
>> >
>> >
>> > (And; last, but not least!)
>> > 15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and
>>waited a
>> > while; then, yelled,
>> > very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
...sorry again for multi-forwarded>>>'s
xL
(and you've maybe heard them all before. Somehow this internet goes all over. The one about a week ago about "what's on a man's brain" was already viewed by my next-door neighbour (a cello teacher!!!) the week previous.
Sorry, I don't know how to attach the pix jokes and they're funnier
xL
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this is not too funny
did it strike to close to home? By the way how is chunks?
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A man takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?" "Uh... yes sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a Genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie, "you've got it. It's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's YOUR wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in over a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about your feelings, Honey?" "You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of nonstop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No Kidding," he said, "thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
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{lol}
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Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "OK Les Give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."
Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........
"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT FUCKING GOING!