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Getbig Main Boards => General Topics => Topic started by: mantronik on March 19, 2011, 06:29:27 AM
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Do we have a humor thread going on GetBig already? One where you can post jokes or funny stuff.
If not, let me start and add to it everytime. Eevrybody keep adding your best jokes!!
If this exists somewhere already, just merge this thread with the original humor thread and accept my apologies.
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A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it. “Well,” the patient said, “I live in a trailer court. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon she’d take a frankfurter (a kind of sausage) from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she’d sit on it and have a ball.”
“She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the frankfurter into the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole.” “She sat down on it and everything was great until there was a knock at the door.”
“And then?” said the doctor.
“Aw hell,” the patient explained. “That’s when she tried to kick it under the stove."
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A tom cat was running frantically about the base of the tree while a female cat was giving him the come on from one of the branches.
“Why don’t you get up there and give her one,” asked a fellow cat walking by.
“Listen, mate, have you ever tried climbing a tree with a hard on?.”
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While purchasing some condoms, Little Johnny remarked with a smile, “I’m giving my girl a birthday present tonight.”
“Yes, sir,” smiled the drug clerk. Then he added, forcing a straight face, “would you perhaps like these gift-wrapped?”
“That wouldn’t make much sense,” said Little Johnny. “They’re the gift wrapping.”
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A blonde was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Yes," she answered, "Do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the woman. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded. "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "But we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."
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"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work.
"Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked.
"The regional vice president died this morning!"
"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"
"He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack" Jim began explaining. "Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one."
"That young blonde babe?"
"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"He kept yelling at her to 'call 9 1 1'. She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number."
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As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"
The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick"
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A cruise ship passes a small desert island. Everyone watches as a ratty-looking bearded man runs out on the beach and starts shouting and waving his hands.
"Who's that?" asks one of the passengers.
"I have no idea," replies the captain. "But every year we sail past and he goes nuts."
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We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are OUR rules:
Please note… these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
* Subtle hints do not work!
* Strong hints do not work!
* Obvious hints do not work!
* JUST SAY IT!
1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:
* Sex,
* Sport,
* Cars,
* or Computers
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping
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Historians have concluded that W.Heisenberg must have been contemplating
his love life when he discovered the Uncertainty Principle:
-When he had the time,he didn't have the energy
and,
-When the moment was right,he couldn't figure out the position...
:)
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There was a young couple named Bright
Whose fucking was faster than light
They went at it one day
In a relative way
And came on the previous night.
;D
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Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
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Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
LMAO! ;D
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Short story:
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or b*tched.
But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.
The End
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The GetBig special:
A young man moves into a new neighbourhood, alone and without any friends.
He’s only been there a couple of days when there’s knock on the door.
“Hi,” says the visitor. “I’m Colin, I live just down the hall from you and I thought I’d come and introduce myself.”
“Thanks,” says the young man. “I’m Mike.”
“Well Mike, would you like to come to a party over at my place on Saturday night? There’ll be plenty of booze, great music and lots of sex.”
“Wow, that sounds good, what do you reckon I should wear?” says Mike.
“Oh, come as you are, there’ll only be the two of us.”
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A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.
"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."
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A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'
The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'
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Interesting Research Finding:
5 out of 6 children like sack races
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:D
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Son (S) : Why is making love so great?
Father (F) : It's just like the sensation when you pick your nose with your finger!!
S : Why do women enjoy sex more than men?
F : It's because when you pick your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.
S: Why do women hate it when they get raped?
F: It's like when you're walking on the street, and someone else comes over and picks your nose - would you like it??
S: Why can't women have sex when they are menstruating?
F: If your nose is bleeding, do you still pick it ??
S: Why do men not like to wear condoms when they are making love?
F: Do you like to pick your nose with a glove on your finger?
S: Why is having sex carried out in private?
F: Do you pick you nose in front of your class?
S: What is an orgasm?
F: The same as sneezing, but the other way around.
S: Is it true that women love big di*ks?
F: Ever tried picking your nose with your thumb?
S: What's anal sex?
F: Picking your mouth
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A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a huge dick like that."
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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
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A little girl walks into the family room one Sunday morning where her father is reading the paper.
"Where does poo come from?" she asks.
The father, feeling a little perturbed that his 5-year-old daughter is already asking difficult questions, thinks for a moment and says: "Well, when we eat the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet. That is poo."
The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "And Tigger?"
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;D
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Some more shitz n giggles............. ;D
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This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. His lawyer says: "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"
"Give me the bad news first," he says.
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars," his lawyer informs him.
"That's the bad news?" asks the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"
The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick"
epik
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http://www.youtube.com/user/failplanet
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"I've got some good news and some bad news," the doctor says.
"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
"The bad news is that you've only got three months to live," the doctor says.
The patient is taken aback. "What's the good news then, Doctor?"
The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk. "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?"
The patient nods his head.
The doctor replies: "I'm screwing her!"
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Mike and Dan had just finished the first nine holes in their round of golf, and it was obvious that Mike was having an awful day.
"Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today. What's the matter?" asked Dan.
Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Connie's dead."
"My God! That's terrible," said Dan, "but you said you only think your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?"
"Well, I just don't know," responded Mike, "the sex is still the same, but the dishes are starting to pile up."
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A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."
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Mum walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his willy with a toothbrush and toothpaste. "What the hell do you think you're doing, young man?!" she exclaimed. "Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's."
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan!
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for 10 more years, and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"
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A husband and wife decided they needed to use code to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter."
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell Daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
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Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, “Bruce! Bruce!” and he came running in.
“Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor,” she said.
“S’truth, Sheila!” Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. “You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber.”
They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor.
“No way, we can’t do it!” Cobber said, “So let’s try Plan B.”
“Plan B?” exclaimed Bruce, “What’s that?”
“I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her.” replied Cobber.
“Spot on.” Bruce said, “While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples.”
“Play with her nipples?” Cobber said, “Not exactly a good time for that mate!”
“No…” Bruce replied, “But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper!!!”
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This guy visits the doctors and says, “Doc… I think I’ve got a sex problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.” The doctor says, “Come back tomorrow and bring her with you.” The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, “Take off your clothes and lie on the table.” She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, “You’re fine. She doesn’t give me a hard on either.”
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I’m about three years into my relationship now and I’ve started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is. She bought me some Viagra, and I’ve bought her a treadmill.
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"Jesus loves you."
A nice gesture in church.
A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
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An old man of 70 married a young girl of 21. When they got into bed the night after their wedding, he held up three fingers. “Oh honey!” said the young nymph, “Does that mean we’re going to do it three times?” “No…” said the old man, “It means you can take your pick.”
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Depth limit for recreational divers - 12 metres
Depth limit for experienced divers - 18 metres
Depth at which nitrogen bubbles develop in your blood - 30 metres
Scuba diving world record - 137 metres
Depth my $14.99 watch will operate up to - 500 metres
Cheers Casio, that's a relief
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With girlfriend
Without girlfriend
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Great thread!
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I’m about three years into my relationship now and I’ve started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is. She bought me some Viagra, and I’ve bought her a treadmill.
QFT
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I’m about three years into my relationship now and I’ve started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is. She bought me some Viagra, and I’ve bought her a treadmill.
It is not unheard of that some folks lose interest in their partners overtime. Sometimes it is because they have become unattractive, but often it is just sexual boredom. Viagra only works if you are sexually excited. If someone doesn't turn you on, you are not going to get an erection regardless of whether you take Viagra or Cialis.
After three years of a relationship there should be more to it than just the sexual aspects. Sex can be an expression of love. There are many ways to make love that don't require an erection. Fortunately, many women enjoy intimacy in a variety of ways beside coitus.
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Makes your eyes tear up, so fukkin funny..
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Hilarious thread!
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(http://www.cavemancircus.com/wp-content/uploads/images/2011/october/lol_3/funny_pictures_14.jpg)
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I hope this beautiful poem has the same effect on you as it did on me, then my forwarding it will have been worth while.
Walk with me by the water ... a beautiful poem about growing old ...especially from me to you....
Shit, I forgot the words....
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(http://dl.ziza.ru/other/012008/25/pics/37_pics.jpg)
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v445/iftk2/01/62_pics_44184.jpg)