Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment. First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room. The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".
A gent spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. "That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself, she answered. "Oh, that's interesting, why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?" "Beerfuck."
Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"
Farmer: "That's right."
Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"
Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.
