Chia Obama pulled from Chicago Walgreens shelves
With Chia Obama off shelf, so goes Hopium
John Kass
April 9, 2009
"It pained me deeply, because I really, really wanted a tasteful Obama head for my desk. It was soothing to think of Obama's clay cranium just a few feet away, watching while I typed my columns.
I dreamed of watering him gently, patiently waiting for him to sprout a lush green 'fro.
Then I'd clip his presidential shrubbery with scissors, dry it and roll it.
Then smoke it."
As you must know by now, the great President Obama Chia Pet scandal is national news.
In a spasm of politically correct panic, Chicago-area based Walgreens stores pulled the fake terra cotta heads from shelves rather than commit corporate sacrilege.
Some insist the Chia Obama is racist. Others say it's downright disrespectful to plant seeds on the messianic president's iconic dome.
"People could interpret it through a political viewpoint or other viewpoints, and we want to avoid that situation," a Walgreens spokeswoman said via e-mail. "Hope this helps clear up our decision. If you have any more questions, please let me know!"
I will!
It pained me deeply, because I really, really wanted a tasteful Obama head for my desk. It was soothing to think of Obama's clay cranium just a few feet away, watching while I typed my columns.
I dreamed of watering him gently, patiently waiting for him to sprout a lush green 'fro.
Then I'd clip his presidential shrubbery with scissors, dry it and roll it.
Then smoke it.
At long last, I thought I'd found a renewable source of primo Hopium, the stuff that Washington pundits use to make themselves feel all right with Barack.
Actually, there are two Chia Obamas to choose from. The "Happy" head depicts Obama with an impish grin, the one he uses while shoveling trillions of your dollars into his federal wheelbarrow.
The "Determined" Chia Obama is of resolute mien, jaw forward, no nonsense, like when he told North Korea not to dare shoot off that missile.
So all America has to do is clip Hopium from either head to stop fretting about the economy and foreign policy. Then we all make that run for the brownie sundae.
Chia executives should remember that America was once the land of the free. They should fight back with a complete line of political Chia Pets and sell them at Wal-Mart.
Obama's head will come in a Democratic boxed set, with that of the boss of the Chicago machine, Mayor Richard Daley, who also has two heads: A "Benign" Chia Daley and "Chia-Chucky," wild hair sprouting in angry green wings from beet-red temples.
Don't forget Chia Rahm. All three may be placed so that their "hair" grows together, in a vast political topiary, the clinging vines pulling the heads closer, so their foreheads constantly touch, as in real life.
Also sold separately would be the head of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi—the terra cotta version much more flexible and lifelike than her actual face—and Vice President Joe Biden, hair in sparse green plugs (recommended only for expert Chia-cultivators).
Republicans will just love their Chia Cheney, the former vice president's glistening head requiring only sporadic buffing with lemon scented furniture polish (perfect for Chia newbies).
Most Chia heads are designed for indoor use, but what if it's a hot day outside? Chia Blago, honoring our recently indicted former Illinois governor, will provide a huge green canopy with plenty of shade. Purchase Chia Blago, and receive a free Chia Sen. Tombstone. Spread the sticky seeds on Tombstone's upper lip. Watch them sprout. Enjoy hours of fun.
After the Chia Obama prohibition, I scurried across the street to a/ North Michigan Avenue Walgreens to see if my friend Jean the Cashier could hook me up.
Jean. Psst. Jean.
"What?" Jean whispered. "Are you're trying to get an Obama head?"
I nodded like some loser trying to score a pound of hashish at a Turkish airport. Jean, listen, not the Determined head. The Happy head. Please, Jean, in the name of Barack, please.
"No!" she hissed. "Don't ask me for Obama heads. They took them off the shelves."
Jean! It's me! Aren't we friends?
"Yes, but we don't sell Obama heads," Jean said. "If you really want one, order one online."
Thanks for nothing, Jean! Everyone knows you pay cash for Hopium. Besides, if I use a computer, the NSA will track me down.
Later, back at the office, I mysteriously scored a black market Chia Obama. A colleague slipped one to me in a brown paper bag. On the back of the package, it says, "Yes You Can! Collect them Both!"
Sadly, mine is a "Determined" Obama. I wanted the "Happy" Obama.
Isn't that the one that our dreams are made of?
