Please...I've competed once in like 19 years (literally) and that was in 2007 and that was the last time I actually trained specifically for bodybuilding. My training has been geared for strength and not aesthetics (well, a little) I like strongman and powerlifting...in other words I hate the feeling of being weak or training that would make me weak(er).
And you're on drugs year round and like you yourself said as soon as you go off you're as weak as a two day old kitten
Why get mad at your own words
You might hate feeling weak but you clearly don't hate the feeling of being stupid.
In fact you seem to revel in it.
You almost seem to have a natural gift at self humiliation