24 Meets OZ

[GHGut]

Imagine if we combined our favorite TV shows and put bodybuilders in them...

The following takes place between 7 AM and 8 AM.

"Wake up ladies!" The truncheon on the prison bars wakes Craiggers. He rolls out of bed, his ass still sore from the pounding he took in the mail room two days ago. He drops and goes for twenty (pushups) but only gets three. He dresses, ignoring his cellmate, a man named Foley, and makes his way to the cafeteria. The Italians serving the food are talking about bodybuilding. They have pictures of King Kamali torn from the bodybuilding magazines and taped to the walls of the kitchen. Craigers acts like he doesn't see, but he does, and it hurts.

"I said give me your fruit cup," growls an Aryan nation biker.

Craiggers briefly considers shanking the thug with his plastic knife, considers what happened to him the last time he tried that, and lets the man take his desert. He makes his way to the payphones to call his agent, but his agent's secretary tells him the agent isn't in the office. That's funny, thinks Craiggers, this guy is never in the office when I call. Craiggers wants to find out if his book has sold anymore copies since yesterday when it had sold a total of three.

Craiggers turns the water in the shower stall on hot. As the blistering water pounds his skin, he doesn't notice the six Muslim brotherhood members that gather around him. Three are hung like Mr. Ed.

"I said you dropped your soap," one of them cackles.

Craiggers briefly considers sucker punching all six of them, then decides agaisnt it, and bends over.

(Commercial Break)

7:09 AM
"You really ought to be more careful," says the nurse in the infirmary. "This is the third rectum prolapse you've had in a month."
Craiggers grunts but doesn't thank the nurse. On his way out of the infirmary he bumps into his boy Bertil, who palms him a vial of 'bain. His day is looking up. While he's flying high in his cell, he considers his competitive prospects after his lawyer wins his appeal. Before being incarcerated, Craiggers was a solid third tier athlete. His return to the stage will mean working his way up to the top again. Ronnie Coleman might be beatable now...

To be continued?

[Bast000]

Imagine if we combined our favorite TV shows and put bodybuilders in them...

The following takes place between 7 AM and 8 AM.

"Wake up ladies!" The truncheon on the prison bars wakes Craiggers. He rolls out of bed, his ass still sore from the pounding he took in the mail room two days ago. He drops and goes for twenty (pushups) but only gets three. He dresses, ignoring his cellmate, a man named Foley, and makes his way to the cafeteria. The Italians serving the food are talking about bodybuilding. They have pictures of King Kamali torn from the bodybuilding magazines and taped to the walls of the kitchen. Craigers acts like he doesn't see, but he does, and it hurts.

"I said give me your fruit cup," growls an Aryan nation biker.

Craiggers briefly considers shanking the thug with his plastic knife, considers what happened to him the last time he tried that, and lets the man take his desert. He makes his way to the payphones to call his agent, but his agent's secretary tells him the agent isn't in the office. That's funny, thinks Craiggers, this guy is never in the office when I call. Craiggers wants to find out if his book has sold anymore copies since yesterday when it had sold a total of three.

Craiggers turns the water in the shower stall on hot. As the blistering water pounds his skin, he doesn't notice the six Muslim brotherhood members that gather around him. Three are hung like Mr. Ed.

"I said you dropped your soap," one of them cackles.

Craiggers briefly considers sucker punching all six of them, then decides agaisnt it, and bends over.

(Commercial Break)

7:09 AM
"You really ought to be more careful," says the nurse in the infirmary. "This is the third rectum prolapse you've had in a month."
Craiggers grunts but doesn't thank the nurse. On his way out of the infirmary he bumps into his boy Bertil, who palms him a vial of 'bain. His day is looking up. While he's flying high in his cell, he considers his competitive prospects after his lawyer wins his appeal. Before being incarcerated, Craiggers was a solid third tier athlete. His return to the stage will mean working his way up to the top again. Ronnie Coleman might be beatable now...

To be continued?

meltdown

[danielson]

Seinfeld already met Oz...

[240 is Back]

I've often thought about visiting prisoners and offering to build the inmated websites to tell their stories of innocence to the world.

However, "300CartonsOfNewports.com" just doesn't pay the rent.

[Special Ed]

However, "300CartonsOfNewports.com" just doesn't pay the rent.

LOL! Maybe not, but 300BabyDiapers.com could be a big help!

And, for those who've forgotten (and that means you GHGut), here was my take on OZ about nine months ago...

HBO Presents

OZ (Season Seven)

Guard walking down to the last cell on the tier.

ANGLE on JAZ HOYT, masturbating profuciously to a magazine cover featuring Tera Patrick.

GUARD: Awwww man, what the --

HOYT: f**k! Doesn't anybody knock anymore?

GUARD: This is prison Jaz, not Phoebe Cate's bathroom.

Hoyt puts penis back in pocket.

HOYT: So what's up, Screw?

GUARD: You ready for your new podmate?

HOYT: Podmate? Is that an accessory to my Ipod?

GUARD: C'mon Jaz. You know, Podmate, celly, cellmate, spermburglar...

HOYT: Ohhhhh, yeah. What's her name?

GUARD: Rob Ziruolo.

HOYT: Whoa...Sounds like a mafia guy.

GUARD: You may want to invite him to join the Brotherhood.

HOYT: Sure, send him in.

Guard signals for prisoner to enter. Rob Z nervously walks into the cell holding a towel and a toothbrush.

HOYT: So Rob ZeroZero, I hear you're a wop guinea f**cker...

240: Only my mother calls me Rob ZeroZero. Everyone else calls me 240.

HOYT: Why? You weigh 240?

240: I used to back when I was a bodybuilder.

HOYT: A bodybuilder, huh? That's hot.

240: Yeah.

HOYT: So what are you in for?

240: Slander and Libel.

Hoyt starts chuckling...at first to himself...then LOUDER until he's nearly HYSTERICAL.

240 is laughing with him.

SUDDENLY, Hoyt grabs 240 by his neck and pins him up against the wall.

HOYT: Get wise with me one more time and I will f**k you in the ass so hard your unborn children will have hemmorhoids.

240: Is that a threat?

HOYT (pinning 240 to the wall with his erection): No. It's a promise.

240: Ummm...Actually I'm in for racketeering and fraud...you know, all that RICO stuff.

HOYT: Ohhh, so you're a real mobster huh?

240: No, I mean RICO MCCLINTON. I agreed to do his website for $300 but I charged him double.

HOYT spins 240 around and bends him over the lower bunk. He pulls his penis back out of his pocket.

HOYT: This is gonna hurt you more than it hurts me....heh heh heh.

240: I just want you to know that I'm not gay.

HOYT: Who are you kidding? I saw those naked photos of you all over the internet.

240: Ohhh, those. That was just a silly thing I did in my 20's.

HOYT: How old are you now?

240: In my 20's.

Hoyt grabs 240's pants and violently rips them down below 240's butt.
ECU on a tattoo of Jesus on Hoyt's erect penis.
ANGLE on 240's tattoo of a Bullseye on his rectum.

HOYT: Prepare to accept Jesus into your life.

240: Please don't. I have a baby and a wife on the way...I mean a life and a maybe on the way...I mean...

HOYT: Don't worry. This is how I introduce myself to all the inmates at Oz.

240: Haven't you heard of JDate or Match.com? There might be a better way.

HOYT: You kidding? Match.com charges $40 bucks a month. I've been working in the prison cafeteria for 6 years, and all I've been able to save is $300 bucks.

Angle on 240's crotch bulging.

240: Did you say -- ARGGHHHH -- $300 bucks?

HOYT (grunting): Yeah.  Why?

240 (Now rocking to and fro, but with a gleam in his eye): Have you ever thought of ---ARRGGHH --- building a ----ARRGGHHH -- website?

HOYT (Now pounding away like a pornstar): A website? For $300 bucks? What planet do you live on?

240: ARRRGHHHH!!! It would be soup to --- ARRGGHHH!!! -- Nuts!

HOYT: With flash intros?

240: ARGGGH!!! @^&@^$&#@!!! Sure!

HOYT: Why would I need a website? I'm a prisoner doing life without parole in a maximum security penitentiary.

240: We could sell t-shirts, videos, books, used underwear, broken condoms...trust --- ARRGHHHH -- me. I'm a marketing genius.

HOYT: Okay, it's a deal. When can we start?

240: As soon as you remove your dick from my ass.

HOYT: That's not me bro. I finished 5 minutes ago.

240 turns around...

and sees....

240 (Looking back with sheer terror in his eyes): Ohhh noooo -- ARRGHHH -- it can't be you. It can't be!!!

The camera pulls back revealing two incredibly muscular legs with posing trunks dangling by the ankles. The camera rises and we see a pair of muscular glutes slamming into 240, a water-laden back, and a bald head with a tattoo on the back on the neck.

SHOCK CUT to the delirious and blood-boiling face of:

TITUS: Welcome to the Brotherhood, Brother! HAHAHAHA!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

FADE OUT

JUMP CUT to Rob lying in bed on his back. His eyes are wide open. His breathing heavy. He's sweating. He looks over and sees his wife lying in bed next to him, with her back to him. He rolls over onto his side and wraps his arms around his wife.

ROB: Honey, I just had the scariest dream. I dreamt I was on the HBO series OZ and Evan Seinfeld of Biohazard was my cellmate and he and Craig Titus were having their way with me.

His wife turns to him, pulling the covers from her face...a wig falls off...

Titus: That was no dream, BROTHER!

As we pull away, we see the two of them lying on a bunk in a cell.

THE END

Special "Hollywood" Ed

[LASTREP72]

Any of you guys see that prison weightlifting special they had on Explorer channel. They showed that prison bench and squat competition - where they had that guy under 200 who benched 420 and some guy squating close to 700, I thought it was cool cause the guards accually said that the weights really calmed these guys down significantly, and that they rather deal with a big guy who was tired all the time from lifting big heavy weights as apposed to having to deal with a little wirery fucker who can do 3000 pull-ups and a millon push-ups!!

[Dorian 01]

Any of you guys see that prison weightlifting special they had on Explorer channel. They showed that prison bench and squat competition - where they had that guy under 200 who benched 420 and some guy squating close to 700, I thought it was cool cause the guards accually said that the weights really calmed these guys down significantly, and that they rather deal with a big guy who was tired all the time from lifting big heavy weights as apposed to having to deal with a little wirery fucker who can do 3000 pull-ups and a millon push-ups!!

Interesting. Palumbo said in prison weight equipment kept disappearing as they didn't want anyone to be too big in there. Maybe that was bullshit to cover for his no 'roid deflation.

[LASTREP72]

Interesting. Palumbo said in prison weight equipment kept disappearing as they didn't want anyone to be too big in there. Maybe that was bullshit to cover for his no 'roid deflation.

Well I forgot which prison they were at, but in this "correctional facility" the guards used the weights to their advantage - one fight or fuck-up and they would take that shit away from them. So all the inmates put their differences aside when they hit the weights - the gangs and aryians and shit knew they couldn't fuck up one of the only out-lets they had so they would keep things in line themselves. And they had a nice weight room also with belts straps and everything.

[nycbull]

I've often thought about visiting prisoners and offering to build the inmated websites to tell their stories of innocence to the world.

However, "300CartonsOfNewports.com" just doesn't pay the rent.

you could do one of those dating sites for prisoners, I think the prisoners actually pay to get a listed. So what if they get out kill the girl they met on line and the victims family blames you...tell the family that you will do their tribute to their daughter web site for only $150....cha ching