Lighten Up (Jokes for that kind of a day. Please add some!)

[Laura Lee]

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man. "Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The
Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let
me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my young, beautiful, sexy wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy! What do you think I should do?" Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

[xxxLinda]

How do you get a fat girl to go home with you ?

Piece of Cake.

[Laura Lee]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - Pay your bills

[24KT]

 

[xxxLinda]

What's brown and sticky?

[Laura Lee]

What's brown and sticky?

molasses

[xxxLinda]

molasses

anyways, the punchline is:



...a stick



x
x
x
L

(it's the kind of joke you can tell to anyone, even children

[xxxLinda]

knock, knock,
who's there?

[Laura Lee]

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
 
 
What is a Yankee? 
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
 
 
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
 
 
Why is divorce so expensive? 
Because it's worth it.
 
 
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
 
 
Why is air a lot like sex? 
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
 
 
What do you call a smart blonde? 
A golden retriever.
 
 
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
 
 
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
 
 
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
 
 
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
 
 
 
Why do men want to marry virgins? 
They can't stand criticism.
 
 
 Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? 
Because those men already have boyfriends.
 
 
 
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
 
 
 
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
 
 
 
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
 
 
 
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
 
 
 
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? 
"Are you sure it's mine?"
 
 
 
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
 
 
 
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
 
 
 
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
 
 
 
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
 
 
 
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

 
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
 
 
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
 
A speech impediment
 
 
 
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
 
 
 
How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
 
 
 
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....
 
 
 
Why is there no Disneyland in Japan ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[Deedee]

For the blondes on the board! 

REVENGE OF THE BLONDES

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

"Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.

The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[xxxLinda]

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
 
 

[xxxLinda]

what does a Firefighter with twin son boys call them?


Jose 1 and Jose 2.





x

[Laura Lee]

Random thoughts


1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it  would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone  will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through ATMs?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one member of a synchronized swim team drowns, do the rest drown too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. Can an atheist get insurance coverage for acts of God?

[Laura Lee]

Dear Diary.


For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college tennis team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress:

MONDAY

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!  Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -- then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.  Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps . I don't have any  triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the M----- f----- barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.  However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

[Deedee]

Hilarious!!!   

[xxxLinda]

Two cannibals eating a clown, one says to the other:  Does this taste funny?

[24KT]

Dear Diary.


For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college tennis team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress:

MONDAY

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!  Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -- then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.  Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps . I don't have any  triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the M----- f----- barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.  However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

Oh Laura, I laughed so hard, I had tears streaming down my face, ...and now I have the hiccups! 

[Laura Lee]

Oh Laura, I laughed so hard, I had tears streaming down my face, ...and now I have the hiccups! 

Don't ya just live it?  lmao

[Laura Lee]

  A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
 
  Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
 
  My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
 
  "Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...

  "Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.   

[Laura Lee]

A Dog's Diary

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 

8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 

9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite! 

Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite! 

2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite! 

3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite! 

4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite! 

6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite! 

7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite! 

8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 

9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite! 

11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite! 


A Cat's Diary

Day 183 of my captivity. 

My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. 

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I should try this at the top of the stairs.   

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must try this on their bed.   

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to
make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to plan. 

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. 

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. 

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait. 

It's only a matter of time... 

[Laura Lee]

A woman takes a lover home during the
day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly,
sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing
that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"

The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your
friends like that...that is way more than those two
things cost.
I'm taking you to church, to confession."

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little
boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that $hit again;
you're in my closet now."

[xxxLinda]

etc

[Laura Lee]

 One for the ladies

 One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt.
 Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
 setting do I use on the washing machine?"

 "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

 He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."


 And they say blondes are dumb...
 -----------------------------------------------------------
 A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

 "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

 The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
 -----------------------------------------------------------
 "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of
 the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed
 the lawn like this?"

 "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
 -----------------------------------------------------------
 He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

 She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I
 sit
 on the sofa and fart.
 -----------------------------------------------------------
 Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

 A: A rumor
 -----------------------------------------------------------
 A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding
 anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that
 because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

 The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.


 Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

 The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

 Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

 Gotta love that fairy!
 -----------------------------------------------------------

 Dear Lord,

 I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience
 for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to
 death.

 AMEN

 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 -

 Q: Why do little boys whine?

 A: They are practicing to be men.
 -----------------------------------------------------------
 Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

 A: Trustworthy.
 -----------------------------------------------------------
 Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
 calling your name?

 A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
 -----------------------------------------------------------
 Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

 A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
 -----------------------------------------------------------
 Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

 A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

[xxxLinda]

from STella:

[xxxLinda]

birthday card: