What Advice would you give to this woman?

[24KT]

Thats what you get for being the "nice guy". Sad but true.

Found out the hard way couple of months ago. I was being the perfect gentleman for this girl (no relationship, but we were on the edge of starting something), and she ends up fucking one of my friends who doesn't give a crap about her. Oh yeah, she left me a note: "You're one of the kindest guys i've ever met." I felt like a chump, but i guess it was worth it cause i learnt my lesson about women.

Sorry to bust your bubble Faust, but that's NOT what you get for being a "nice guy".
It's what you get for being a dumb fvck and choosing to involve yourself with someone who has such character flaws.

If you're involved with someone who chooses to cheat on you, ...you need to look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if you aren't paartially responsible. True you can't control someone's elses actions, you can only control your own, ...but I would think involving yourself with an idiot requires you to take your share of the responsibility. If I married Bill Clinton tomorrow, I'd have only myself to blame the next time he lets some intern crawl under his desk. Get a clue, and choose your partners wisely.

[Faust]

Sorry to bust your bubble Faust, but that's NOT what you get for being a "nice guy".
It's what you get for being a "dumb fvck" & choosing to involve yourself with someone who has such character flaws.

If you're involved with someone who chooses to cheat on you, ...you need to look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if you aren't paartially responsible. True you can't control someone's elses actions, you can only control your own, ...but I would think involving yourself with an idiot requires you to take your share of the responsibility. If I married Bill Clinton tomorrow, I'd have only myself to blame the next time he lets some intern crawl under his desk. Get a clue, and choose your partners wisely.

Why don't you get a clue and don't say stuff like that about something you know nothing about. Get back to selling snake oil or insulting somebody's dead mother.

Next time you can say a woman is responsible if her husband beats her to death, because she should never have had a relationship with her. At the start of a relationship NOBODY knows the other person so well. From what i've seen a lot of people still don't know each other so good even after being married for so many years.

I'm not saying i'm perfect and i know so much about women/relationships. Hell, i'm 22 yo. But like i said, i learned a lot and rest assured, next time a girl comes to me with some serious problems i'll think twice before being a "dumb fvck".

Nuff said about my situation, i was venting on here, but i'm over it now.

[tu_holmes]

Why don't you get a clue and don't say stuff like that about something you know nothing about. Get back to selling snake oil or insulting somebody's dead mother.

Next time you can say a woman is responsible if her husband beats her to death, because she should never have had a relationship with her. At the start of a relationship NOBODY knows the other person so well. From what i've seen a lot of people still don't know each other so good even after being married for so many years.

I'm not saying i'm perfect and i know so much about women/relationships. Hell, i'm 22 yo. But like i said, i learned a lot and rest assured, next time a girl comes to me with some serious problems i'll think twice before being a "dumb fvck".

Nuff said about my situation, i was venting on here, but i'm over it now.

Hey man... We all have those  things.

My ex decided she "wasn't in love" anymore... Oh well... Maybe I shouldn't have slapped her around so much.

[24KT]

Why don't you get a clue and don't say stuff like that about something you know nothing about. Get back to selling snake oil or insulting somebody's dead mother.

tsk., tsk, how very defensive of you? Oh well

You made a "general" cliche statement, ...and I expressed my disagreement with a "general" cliche statement of my own. When I said "that's what you get..." I mean't it in the general sense. ie: "If you go to bed with dogs... you wake up with fleas". If I had said that, would you still have taken it so personally? Do you have relatives visiting? Why so sensitive? Sheesh...  My natural inclination is to believe that you've gone on the warpath, libelously attacking the messenger rather than the message, while displaying more hypersensitivity than a woman with PMS, because you sense some truth in that statement, and perhaps, it causes you shame... Well the statement was NOT directed at YOU personally.

Next time you can say a woman is responsible if her husband beats her to death, because she should never have had a relationship with her.

I would say that woman bears some responsibility for being involved with that person, not all but some. A relationship doesn't occur with only 1 person. Sharing responsibility in a disastrous outcome doesn't imply such disastrous outcome is deserved.

At the start of a relationship NOBODY knows the other person so well. From what i've seen a lot of people still don't know each other so good even after being married for so many years.

A person can cry & whine about it all day long, but that doesn't change the fact they do bare some responsibility in the fact that things are not all peaches & cream. Yes, people change, and people can grow apart in a relationship, however, there are some things that are blatantly obvious from the start. People simply just don't pay attention to these things, and often only see them in hindsight... as an afterthought when they break down what went wrong. Even then, ...many often choose to stay in denial, by placing the blame elsewhere rather than where it firmly belongs, ...on the shoulders of the person staring them back in the mirror. Bottom line is: 'If you don't know a person's character, ...then you're a fool for marrying them!'

I trust that statement will not cause you to throw a PMS tantrum. I'm assuming you're not married, and as such won't take the statement personally.

I'm not saying i'm perfect and i know so much about women/relationships. Hell, i'm 22 yo. But like i said, i learned a lot and rest assured, next time a girl comes to me with some serious problems i'll think twice before being a "dumb fvck".

Nuff said about my situation, i was venting on here, but i'm over it now.

The bottom line is you got involved with the wrong person. It happens. Accept responsibility for your end in the mistake, learn from it and move on. But to generalize the way you did and assume because you made the mistake of spending time with someone unworthy of you, requires you to now spend your time being an asshole... or "not be a nice guy" is ridiculous. You come on a women's board, and make a strong misogynistic sounding statement, ...and wonder why anyone would dare counter it strongly?

I think you're the one in need of a clue... or two.

[Deicide]

tsk., tsk, how very defensive of you? Oh well

You made a "general" cliche statement, ...and I expressed my disagreement with a "general" cliche statement of my own. When I said "that's what you get..." I mean't it in the general sense. ie: "If you go to bed with dogs... you wake up with fleas". If I had said that, would you still have taken it so personally? Do you have relatives visiting? Why so sensitive? Sheesh...  My natural inclination is to believe that you've gone on the warpath, libelously attacking the messenger rather than the message, while displaying more hypersensitivity than a woman with PMS, because you sense some truth in that statement, and perhaps, it causes you shame... Well the statement was NOT directed at YOU personally.

I would say that woman bears some responsibility for being involved with that person, not all but some. A relationship doesn't occur with only 1 person. Sharing responsibility in a disastrous outcome doesn't imply such disastrous outcome is deserved.

A person can cry & whine about it all day long, but that doesn't change the fact they do bare some responsibility in the fact that things are not all peaches & cream. Yes, people change, and people can grow apart in a relationship, however, there are some things that are blatantly obvious from the start. People simply just don't pay attention to these things, and often only see them in hindsight... as an afterthought when they break down what went wrong. Even then, ...many often choose to stay in denial, by placing the blame elsewhere rather than where it firmly belongs, ...on the shoulders of the person staring them back in the mirror. Bottom line is: 'If you don't know a person's character, ...then you're a fool for marrying them!'

I trust that statement will not cause you to throw a PMS tantrum. I'm assuming you're not married, and as such won't take the statement personally.

The bottom line is you got involved with the wrong person. It happens. Accept responsibility for your end in the mistake, learn from it and move on. But to generalize the way you did and assume because you made the mistake of spending time with someone unworthy of you, requires you to now spend your time being an asshole... or "not be a nice guy" is ridiculous. You come on a women's board, and make a strong misogynistic sounding statement, ...and wonder why anyone would dare counter it strongly?

I think you're the one in need of a clue... or two.

All relationships are 'doomed' to 'failure' because 'feelings' (biochemical interactions) change and change is the only constant in life. Free will in this respect is an illusion. Enjoy your relationship while it lasts and when it is over, don't bemoan it, forget about it and move on. Yes, one can learn but it will avail you little when the next relationship crumbles for wholly unrelated reasons than those which you had learnt in the previous relationship. We are not a monogamous species by nature. Friends come and go and so do women, ultimately we are alone with our own thoughts and 'feelings' and language has proven to be no help in this matter. The only problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. The woman described has done the proper thing in propagating her DNA. She has achieved her biological objective and should move on to the next goal. The man can be content for having propagated his DNA as well. He too must move on.

Social and intimate relationships, also necessary from a biological standpoint do nothing to satisfy man's inner craving for conveyance of the self; ultimately this is why they always fail, be it in this life or with the annihilation brought about by death.

[calmus]

Jesus Christ, if brevity is the soul of wit ... there's none of it around here.

[Faust]

tsk., tsk, how very defensive of you? Oh well

You made a "general" cliche statement, ...and I expressed my disagreement with a "general" cliche statement of my own. When I said "that's what you get..." I mean't it in the general sense. ie: "If you go to bed with dogs... you wake up with fleas". If I had said that, would you still have taken it so personally? Do you have relatives visiting? Why so sensitive? Sheesh...  My natural inclination is to believe that you've gone on the warpath, libelously attacking the messenger rather than the message, while displaying more hypersensitivity than a woman with PMS, because you sense some truth in that statement, and perhaps, it causes you shame... Well the statement was NOT directed at YOU personally.

I would say that woman bears some responsibility for being involved with that person, not all but some. A relationship doesn't occur with only 1 person. Sharing responsibility in a disastrous outcome doesn't imply such disastrous outcome is deserved.

A person can cry & whine about it all day long, but that doesn't change the fact they do bare some responsibility in the fact that things are not all peaches & cream. Yes, people change, and people can grow apart in a relationship, however, there are some things that are blatantly obvious from the start. People simply just don't pay attention to these things, and often only see them in hindsight... as an afterthought when they break down what went wrong. Even then, ...many often choose to stay in denial, by placing the blame elsewhere rather than where it firmly belongs, ...on the shoulders of the person staring them back in the mirror. Bottom line is: 'If you don't know a person's character, ...then you're a fool for marrying them!'

I trust that statement will not cause you to throw a PMS tantrum. I'm assuming you're not married, and as such won't take the statement personally.

The bottom line is you got involved with the wrong person. It happens. Accept responsibility for your end in the mistake, learn from it and move on. But to generalize the way you did and assume because you made the mistake of spending time with someone unworthy of you, requires you to now spend your time being an asshole... or "not be a nice guy" is ridiculous. You come on a women's board, and make a strong misogynistic sounding statement, ...and wonder why anyone would dare counter it strongly?

I think you're the one in need of a clue... or two.

Could you please elaborate a bit more, and please don't shy away from speculation and general babbling.
What's with all the talk about PMS jag? I know it must not be easy for you, but don't reflect it on me... 

[Deicide]

Could you please elaborate a bit more, and please don't shy away from speculation and general babbling.
What's with all the talk about PMS jag? I know it must not be easy for you, but don't reflect it on me... 

Both you and Jaguar are off base; too much overanalysing...

[Laura Lee]

Why don't you get a clue and don't say stuff like that about something you know nothing about. Get back to selling snake oil or insulting somebody's dead mother.

Next time you can say a woman is responsible if her husband beats her to death, because she should never have had a relationship with her. At the start of a relationship NOBODY knows the other person so well. From what i've seen a lot of people still don't know each other so good even after being married for so many years.

I'm not saying i'm perfect and i know so much about women/relationships. Hell, i'm 22 yo. But like i said, i learned a lot and rest assured, next time a girl comes to me with some serious problems i'll think twice before being a "dumb fvck".

Nuff said about my situation, i was venting on here, but i'm over it now.

Faust, unless you've been in a physically abusive relationship, you wouldn't know why some people stay in them while others can leave with no problem.  Most physically abusive relationships don't start from the get-go.  Someone who is dominant and physically abusive knows they are the way they are and do not show that side of themselves until they have hooked in their sig other.  Once the sig other has learned to depend on them...that's when the altercations come.  Most abusused don't leave for fear the the abuser will find them and kill them or their family (as usually threaten by the abuser).  Not to mention the abuser will always appologize and state they won't ever do it again, bla bla bla and then work on kindness for a little bit until they turn back to beating again.     I got married when I was 22.  I had dated this guy for 2 years, then was married for 2 years.  He had always been very sweet and everyone liked him.  After being with him 4 years he got drunk and pissed at something I said or did and started in on me, yelling and carrying on.  He called me the "c" word and I slapped him accross the face.  He then planted a slap on my face that sent me accross the room.  I couldn't believe he had done that.  He told me to never hit him again.  I told him in retaliation to never use such language on me, that it was vile and I didn't deserve it.  He then told me he'd call me whatever he'd like and I'd better like it.  I was like wtf?  That was the beginning of the end right there.  Couple weeks later he was out with a friend and he friend told him I talked to his girlfriend about that slapping incident.  His friend told him I was going to leave him (which I had never said).  He came home that night and kicked the shit outta me.  Threw me into our daughters crib (2 months old).  She started crying, I took her out and said I was calling my dad (he's a cop) and he went in a rage and pulled all the phone cords outta the wall and told me I wasn't going anywhere and started pulling at my daughter.  I picked up a mini-bat and swung it at him.  Hit him in the arm and he let go.  I ran outta the house and accross the street to a neighbor who worked a night shift and had just come home.  I ran right into his house and shut the door.  Scared the crap outta him.  He called my dad and he came and picked me up.  My ex ran down the street chasing my dads car throwing fist fulls of change at the car.  Weirdo    My ex called and called for 3 days straight over to my dad's appologizing, saying he would never drink, he would never hit me again, he wouldn't call me names, etc.  I finally gave in and went back.  Wasn't even a week later and I came home after work to find him and another friend (and their gf) having a couple drinks.  When I got there I sat on the floor, in front of them he started throwing ice at my head asking if I was too good to sit with him.  The guests ended up leaving.  He said we needed to talk.  I sat on the couch and he put me in an immediate headlock and started punching my head.  I grabbed a crystal lighter and bashed him over the head, he released and said he was gonna kill me and I ran outta the house, into my car and right to the police station.  I returned with 6 squad cars 10 officers and found him passed out with a huge kitchen knife beside him.  We grabbed my daughter and anything she might need, and left.  I never went back. 

I shared that because I think some people who believe that those who get abused think they deserve it because they go back, but being on the other side, you have to know what it's like to believe in such statements.  Some people that are abused don't feel they have an option while others realize they do do.  No one deserves to be abused, no one.

[Faust]

Both you and Jaguar are off base; too much overanalysing...

I have no idea though why Jag called me a dumb fuck and told me to get a clue. (Off course she spins this now that she was speaking "in general"). I write one line, and then she writes a whole chapter, putting things that weren't there, and i'm overanalysing?? Let me explain my first post a bit more, maybe it was a bit too brief and Jag "overanalysed" it. I don't see how it was strongly "misogynistic"...

Thats what you get for being the "nice guy".

By "nice guy" i mean somebody who trusts people blindly and just tries to do good and expect that the same will happen to him.

i learnt my lesson about women.

I was a bit naieve, but several things during the last year opened my eyes, and like Laura said: "men are exactly the same". So women aren't any better (or worse for that matter, different: yes).

No one deserves to be (ab)used, no one.

That's the point i was making.

[Parker]

Let me get this straight, her ass goes thru the  wooing stage, then gets married then gets preggers, now doesn't want hubby because he ain't a hard body with off the chart test levels.

 I just saw this Nat Geo show on test, it said that  women tended to  pick men who had rounder more boyish faces---ones that lacked high test levels, for marriage. The theory could be that men with high test levels, will go on an impregnate another women, where as the lower test men will offer more in terms of stability.  Or women  chalk it up to women's vanity.

I think this chick has watched one too many football games, and lives in a fantasy world. Because the groupie game is a hard knock life, and those chicks don't play. And I sincerely think that this chick can't suit up to play.

Best thing she can do is sign up at the local Gold's and have a fling with her PT, meanwhile suggesting that her husband get involved with the local rugby,soccer, or flag football team.

[davidpaul]

Parker talks a lot of sense.

[Parker]

Parker talks a lot of sense.

No, it's cause of late, I've had a lot of sense talked into me...

[K-1]

I'd tell her to go for it -it seems she has already made up her mind that the grass is greener over the other side of the fence, and when reality hits then tell her not to bother looking up her now ex-husband.

This post should be bronzed.

So many have perceived greener pastures as a way to go and try to use guilt of regret and/or unhappiness as their alibi for pursuing what that perception is that they feel is right for them even if they are in ideal relations(they have that right..no problem), but fail to realize the consequences and repercussions behind that path until it's too late.

the mind is a fascinating thing, and I'm still amazed at how it works.

[Butterbean]

Sorry to bust your bubble Faust, but that's NOT what you get for being a "nice guy".
It's what you get for being a dumb fvck and choosing to involve yourself with someone who has such character flaws.

If you're involved with someone who chooses to cheat on you, ...you need to look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if you aren't paartially responsible. True you can't control someone's elses actions, you can only control your own, ...but I would think involving yourself with an idiot requires you to take your share of the responsibility. If I married Bill Clinton tomorrow, I'd have only myself to blame the next time he lets some intern crawl under his desk. Get a clue, and choose your partners wisely.

No one truly knows another person or what they are capable of doing.  People even surprise themselves sometimes.   I was just talking to a few ladies this weekend and one said her father cheated on her mother but she felt her mother was partially responsible because she treated the father like dirt.  The other lady had been cheated on by her husband for no apparent reason; she was under the impression they were doing great and were very much in love w/each other.  The guy had no track record of cheating.  Doesn't seem like it was her fault he cheated on her.


The advice columnist's response:
Dear Confused:
If you value your wonderful husband and child, you will have to handle your fantasies about professional athletes (and by the way, I think you need a new fantasy) and commit to your marriage and family in the way your husband has.

You seem determined to steer your marriage into the end zone, but mature spouses find ways to be engaged, even if they occasionally find themselves "going through the motions."

Your marriage -- the one you're in -- should mean enough to you that you will work through your other desires, sparks and attractions and accept them for what they are -- distractions.

If you try to but cannot shake your desire for this alternate life, throw a "Hail Mary" and see a counselor before you do anything rash.

[24KT]

No one truly knows another person or what they are capable of doing.  People even surprise themselves sometimes.   I was just talking to a few ladies this weekend and one said her father cheated on her mother but she felt her mother was partially responsible because she treated the father like dirt.  The other lady had been cheated on by her husband for no apparent reason; she was under the impression they were doing great and were very much in love w/each other.  The guy had no track record of cheating.  Doesn't seem like it was her fault he cheated on her.

Accepting responsiblity is not the same as admitting fault or taking blame. Alot of things happen through "no fault" of our own, ...but we accept responsibility to deal with things. Often having no clue something is about to happen is an indicator that one was not paying enough attention. Had they been more attentive, certain indicators might have been noticed. It's like anything else...  Your freedom & self determination are taken away from you, and you don't see it happening. When you finally notice it has happened after the fact... you realize in hindsight there were warnings and red flags all around, but you paid no attention to them. Are you at fault that your freedom has been taken from you? ...no, ...but you do share some responsibility.

The advice columnist's response:
Dear Confused:
If you value your wonderful husband and child, you will have to handle your fantasies about professional athletes (and by the way, I think you need a new fantasy) and commit to your marriage and family in the way your husband has.

You seem determined to steer your marriage into the end zone, but mature spouses find ways to be engaged, even if they occasionally find themselves "going through the motions."

Your marriage -- the one you're in -- should mean enough to you that you will work through your other desires, sparks and attractions and accept them for what they are -- distractions.

If you try to but cannot shake your desire for this alternate life, throw a "Hail Mary" and see a counselor before you do anything rash.

That was good advice.

[phreak]

in situations like this they should have one simple rule: the party that cheats first gets NO alimony.

[TrapsMcLats]

I read that in the paper the other day, i laughed for about ten minutes.  my advice to her would be:  stick the man man you are with like glue, because he hasn't figured out that you're a crazy bitch and probably never will.  Any other man who dealt with you would see that you are a crazy bitch.  hold on tightly to this current beau, you will never have another as good.

[body88]

I read that in the paper the other day, i laughed for about ten minutes.  my advice to her would be:  stick the man man you are with like glue, because he hasn't figured out that you're a crazy bitch and probably never will.  Any other man who dealt with you would see that you are a crazy bitch.  hold on tightly to this current beau, you will never have another as good.

Haha, no shit right? I bet her pro athlete husband she knows that is married, and interested in her, will be faithful to her on the road. You know since he is showing interest in here while he is married and all.

Some women are dumb as rocks.

[KingCol]

hope she leaves him for the pro athelete only to realize she was just another random piece of ass for him and then gets left on the corner like she deserves.  is that a little harsh?

I agree totally!  Its not any harsher than what she is saying.  A "Professional Athlete"?  Sound like a money hungry Golddigging Bitch. 

[~flower~]

 

(I will post the advice columnist's response a bit later)

So STella, are you ever going to post the reply this rec'd?

[tu_holmes]

Flower... She posted it a bit ahead.

Here's the repost for you.

The advice columnist's response:
Dear Confused:
If you value your wonderful husband and child, you will have to handle your fantasies about professional athletes (and by the way, I think you need a new fantasy) and commit to your marriage and family in the way your husband has.

You seem determined to steer your marriage into the end zone, but mature spouses find ways to be engaged, even if they occasionally find themselves "going through the motions."

Your marriage -- the one you're in -- should mean enough to you that you will work through your other desires, sparks and attractions and accept them for what they are -- distractions.

If you try to but cannot shake your desire for this alternate life, throw a "Hail Mary" and see a counselor before you do anything rash.

[~flower~]

  Thanks tu!