I had DINNER with GUNTER SCHLIERKAMP!!!

[BeefMan]

The Dr. Swole stories were better.

[TrueGrit]

A pro's seminar ends in DISASTER!!! (post #1)

Brothers,

A well known pro won't be at any upcoming shows. And he is most displeased, and blames, of all people, me!

Last week, a known pro bodybuilder, who I won't name, contacted me and let me know he wanted to hold a bodybuilding seminar, charging people the equivalent of 15 American dollars to hear his training, nutrition, and supplement advice.
Things didn't go very well...and now he is quite angry with me.

He had asked for my help in organizing the promotion of his seminar, and I told him that I would be delighted to take care of that end of things. I hired graphic artists, and personally oversaw the designing of advertising posters that featured the pro's picture, and "TAKE BLOODY ****ING CHARGE!" in large, red, blood-dripping letters across the top. The smaller script read
"Get ****ing HUGE- scare your mates, your teachers, and your parents! SQUASH bastard enemies like beetles! Learn how to eat, train, inject, how to smuggle and/or import steroids... come to the show, and get a bottle of anadrol for free, to get you started!"

I thought it was smashing, and so did Nobby. I had hundreds of posters made, and Nobby and I posted them in places that we KNEW would draw whoever saw them to the seminar!

It was to be held in one of the toughest neighborhoods in London.
We went around elementary schools, middle schools, high schools, homes for disturbed youth, the local snooker hall, local playgrounds...a truly heroic effort, I must say. Tickets sold quickly.

The big day came-
The pro showed up to the local community centre and, on entering the large auditorium, stood gaping at the crowd.
A sea of mostly boys, aged 8-17, met his eyes. Many of them had shaved heads, bomber jackets, wore combat boots, t-shirts emblazoned with swastikas or skulls, and had swastikas tattooed on their foreheads. A jolly group of little rascals!

He then saw for the first time the poster I had made. He said "For ****'s sakes, mate, what the **** is this? Bloody kids! What...free ****ing anadrol...I could get in serious shit...!!!"
A look of true distress, anger, and who knows what else came over his face.
No sooner had he spoken than 10 police officers arrived, and escorted him out in handcuffs- he began sobbing. When they found the 3 crates (1000 bottles) of anadrol I had generously supplied, and asked whose it was, I simply pointed my thumb in the direction of the pro bodybuilder as he was being led away. "Well, I'll be going!" I quipped, and Nobby and I left- but not before Nobby grabbed the mic and roared, in a thick working-class London accent, "NOW, FOOK OFF YOU STUPID BASTAHDS- NO FOOKIN ANADROL FOR YOU LOT! G'WAN- FOOK OFF!". The crowd exploded in anger, chairs and bottles became airborne, and the sound of breaking glass filled the community hall.

Luckily, we made it out and drove out of the parking lot just as the ensuing riot got into full swing, in which the community center was burned down, 3 people killed, and scores injured!

We both laughed heartily as Nobby floored the Rolls Royce and we sped away from the scene of calamity!
So if a certain pro isn't around for the next few years, now you know why.

[Purge_WTF]

I stopped believing after the 3rd line 

  You lasted three lines longer than I did.

[wes]

PRO secret: SURPRISE INJECTIONS!!
Brothers,

Just wanting to update everyone on a method of injecting being used by the pros. Just remember - you're the first to hear of this on the internet!
It's called 'surprise injecting'.
As we all know, injecting all those CCs needed to get our target, let's say, 2 or 3 grams a week, causes most of us to shudder at the discomfort of having to inject so frequently and into so many sites. Yet- what if someone else did all the injecting, AND did it when you LEAST expected it? The lack of anticipation means by the time you notice that painful prick, it's all over! You simply need someone to inject you out of the blue, sort of like Inspector Clouseau had a crazy Jap houseservant, Kato, launch surprise karate attacks on him to keep him on his toes!

I've been using this method for the last few weeks, and the hard-core types at my gym have been following suit. I might have just finished a set of squats, and my training partner, Nobby, may just ram a 10cc syringe into my thigh and inject, snarling "ere's some fookin test for yah, guv'ner!" . Any cry of pain would land me a smack across the face. Just the other day, I walked up to a fellow lifter at the gym and gave him 5ccs of test prop, right in his right trap! He whined about the pain, and earned a bike-chain belt across the face from Nobby, who screamed 'FOOKIN POOFTAH!' as he dealt out the discipline.

But alas, you have got to be CAREFUL. Case in point- Marvin, the Down Syndrome's afflicted lifter at my gym, overheard me extolling the virtues of 'surprise injections', while holding a syringe loaded with 10cc of cyp, which I was going to use on a friend currently doing squats! I grabbed Marvin, handed him the syringe, and roared "Well, Marvin, let's see YOU do it! I think you know who to inject!" I bellowed. Surely, Marvin had seen me gesturing to the fellow doing squats, I thought. Marvin, syringe in hand, started screaming and ran over to the section of the gym with the treadmills. "Where in blazes is he going?" I muttered. Marvin charged up to a middle aged woman on one of the treadmills, slammed the needle into her arse, and injected! She fell off the bike, screaming, and ran out the gym in hysterics, the needle sticking out of her arse!

The gym manager called the police, and in no time several constables were on hand. Marvin was once again arrested and led out the gym, unable to comprehend the charges he faced.

Anyway, try this amazing technique!

[wes]

Brothers,
The following is a true story.


A week ago, my retarded friend and sometimes training partner, Marvin, showed up at the gym looking a tad dishearted. Seems he had been fired from his job at the Shell gas station for stripping naked and showering in the car wash. Marvin has Down's Syndrome, and even that fact didn't earn him an ounce of compassion from his boss.

Well, brothers, I decided to do the Christian thing- I decided to make Marvin my assistant steroid distributor! I gave him a tub of dbol, and told him to see what he could sell.
Marvin came back hours later, with the tub empty! I gave him another, and off he went. What on earth was the secret of his success?, I wondered. Driving past an elementary school on lunch recess, I soon found out!

There was Marvin, the tub of dbol hung by a string around his neck, the top gone, and sporting a baseball cap with a piece of paper glued across the front reading "DBOL for SALE". He was ringing a bell in one hand, and crying (he has bit of a lisp) "Dbolths....DEE-BAAWWWLTHS....for sthale!....five fur a pound....DEEEE-BOOOOLLTHSSS!" he hollered, so loud it echoed across the entire schoolyard. "Get big...get STWONG...get yer DBOLTHS!!"
A crowd of enthusiastic kids, around 11 or 12, surrounded Marvin and in a matter of seconds he'd sold the entire tub! I rolled down the window of the Rolls and yelled out "Jolly good show, Marvin!"
Nobby rolled down his window and offered his support "WELL FOOKIN DONE!" he roared. I sat back, smiling, and a warm feeling came over me. Marvin was no longer the marginalized, retarded man mopping floors- he was a proficient salesman!

The evening news featured a report on schoolchildren using steroids. They even had shots of the school Marvin had been at.
Typical hype, as usual.

Well, I swung by the school the next day, to see how Marvin would fare- this time, he was wearing a tray, similar to what a hot-dog vendor at a baseball game wears, and it was stocked with dbol, drol, cheque drops, fina pellets....a smorsgasborg of gear, all of which I had supplied him with! He'd just started ringing his bell when several police cars surrounded him, and about 10 police officers rushed out, nightsticks drawn. Marvin dropped his gear, uttered a terrifying roar, and charged the officers, using his mongoloid super-human strength to toss them around like rag dolls. Alas, more officers literally swarmed all over him, beating him with their nightsticks!

Once Marvin gets out of intensive care, he faces various charges....this is ridiculous...I mean, for the LOVE OF GOD, what is wrong with people these days?!!
Can't they give handicapped folk looking to make a living a bleeding BREAK??!!
Someone forward this tale of injustice to Amnesty International, please!

[Van_Bilderass]

Don't know if the same dude wrote this but this was hilarious - especially the serious replies that followed! 

Disposing Used Needles In The River Post

Now all us "vets" know that every once in a while we need to get rid of our used needles, but we don't want to just throw them away in our regular garbage which is dangerous and unsanitary!

So, we all have our own little secret waste sites; Mine is this quiet, peaceful little river that I often use a personal sanctuary to reflect on what I have accomplished. It is nestled behind an Elementary school out in the middle of No Man's Land.

So yesterday morning, I got up early around 11:30AM and packed up a pallet's worth of my old needles from my last 22-week cycle and drove on down to the riverbank. I had filled a few laundry baskets full of needles, bloody tissues, bandaids, and broken ampules but made sure to wrap them in big Hefty bags so the Danger-Factor would be eliminated.

I sat there for a while smoking some cigarettes just marveling at the calmness.

Then, I grabbed the bags out of the laundry basket and heaved them into the water. Then...a problem.

One of the Hefty bags split wide open and the contents spilled all over the grass. This isolated river is only about 30 feet from the fenced-in playground where the toddlers swing on the monkey bars. I became afraid that a child may decide to open the gate on the fence to investigate the contimated abundance of dangerous materials I had decided to leave there. I mean, I wasn't about to pick this stuff up - what if I stuck myself with a dirty needle? I figured the school janitors were experienced waste management pee-ons so they could handle this little mess! Then, I came to my senses and became relieved that a child knows better NOT to open the fence because the riverbank could be a hazard.

My only concern now is what if someone catches on to my dump site? Where does everyone else throw their dirty needles when they are used? You can't just walk into a hospital and submit these hazards! Any help is much appreciated!

[body88]

Grit, unbelievably funny stories! You have a real talent for writing. Anyone who says otherwise, is a fucking idiot. Post a few stories each week if you can. They are funny as hell!

[TrueGrit]

Grit, unbelievably funny stories! You have a real talent for writing. Anyone who says otherwise, is a fucking idiot. Post a few stories each week if you can. They are funny as hell!

It's not my work...sadly. It's the work of Victorian Guy..poster on bbing.com and EF.

[Van_Bilderass]

My Roid Rage!!! Scary.

Check it...

I went to my girlfriend's house last night to meet her parents for the first time. Her idiot father went to shake my hand and made a comment "Wow, you are a big guy." You can imagine for obvious reasons why THAT would get my blood boiling.

We are sitting around the living room prior to dinner shooting the breeze and lolligaggling about current events, movies, politics, etc., and then her mother has the audacity to break out with "So, Brian, you must spend a lot of time at the gym?" Well so help me baby Jesus, did I almost choke her with a piano wire!

Politely, I excused myself to go to the bathroom to "cool off." I put some cold water on my face and swore that if this whore talked about lifting one more time that I would seriously pistol-whip her.

The Scene: Dinner table.

We are sitting down and the food she is serving is all fattening (like most food observed on 90% in American homes). I looked at my girlfriend and said "I am not hungry!" She saw the face of death in my eye and knew to keep her trap shut or she could end up being the victim of a severe beating when we got home.

Her father then busts out with "Come on, eat...a little fat never dun hurt no one." I slammed my fist on the table, stood up and left the house. His Audi was parked in the driveway and I put my head through the passenger window. Then I left.

Is this roid rage? I usually think of myself as that of a passive and conservative gentleman! These Anadrols are great for strength, but I am questioning whether or not this incident is a reflection of steroids? Anyone?

[candidizzle]

My Roid Rage!!! Scary.

Check it...

I went to my girlfriend's house last night to meet her parents for the first time. Her idiot father went to shake my hand and made a comment "Wow, you are a big guy." You can imagine for obvious reasons why THAT would get my blood boiling.

We are sitting around the living room prior to dinner shooting the breeze and lolligaggling about current events, movies, politics, etc., and then her mother has the audacity to break out with "So, Brian, you must spend a lot of time at the gym?" Well so help me baby Jesus, did I almost choke her with a piano wire!

Politely, I excused myself to go to the bathroom to "cool off." I put some cold water on my face and swore that if this whore talked about lifting one more time that I would seriously pistol-whip her.

HAHA !  this part is seriously hilarious 

[4thAD]

Isn't your bearded rugby playing boyfriend going to be jealous you were having dinner with another man? I'm confused I thought you were in love?

[ANAL DISCHARGE]

Yep, shameless rip off of Victorian Guy. Naughty naughty!

[G o a t b o y]

Her father then busts out with "Come on, eat...a little fat never dun hurt no one." I slammed my fist on the table, stood up and left the house. His Audi was parked in the driveway and I put my head through the passenger window. Then I left.

Is this roid rage? I usually think of myself as that of a passive and conservative gentleman! These Anadrols are great for strength, but I am questioning whether or not this incident is a reflection of steroids? Anyone?

Nah, you acted appropriately.  Any self-respecting Getbigger would have done the same.

[Meso_z]

Brothers,

I rushed to my computer to write this...I still can't believe it...I had dinner this evening with none other than mass-monster GUNTER SCHLIERKAMP!!!

I was working out in a gym in the London area, with my chauffeur/training partner/security assistant, Nobby, when, lo and behold, there was Gunter, doing behind the neck presses with 355!! Nobby and I lumbered over and asked to work in with him. "Ja, dis is possible" he said, in a friendly, gutteral German accent. Nobby immediately did his warm-ups- with the 355 Gunter had just barely managed- and Gunter immediately took a liking to us. A young scrawny lad approached us, and started introducing himself to Gunter. "Oi...FOOK OFF!!" Nobby snarled, and he put one of his shovel-sized gh - growth hormone (somatropin) - -mutated hands over the kid's face and tossed him backwards onto the floor! Gunter stood over him, laughing. "Achtung, flabby little UNTERMENSCHEN, go away before I CU-RRUSH you!" he bellowed, in a terrifyingly commanding voice, worthy of an SS gruppenfuher, and the boy scurried off, whimpering! The three of us roared with laughter as he ran out the gym, snivelling!

The training over, we decided to head over to a Chinese restaurant for a ridiculously large post-workout meal. It was an upscale place, and quite busy.
Entering the restaurant, Gunter, wearing a tan coloured silk shirt, black pants, and jackboots, looked closely at his watch, then folded his arms and scanned the restaurant. "Gentlemen, ve must secure zee table by 21:00 hours!" he commanded.
"Say Gunter, let's 'blitzkrieg' that table full of what looks like slavic people over there...and claim it for ourselves!" I suggested.
"Ja, dis is possible!" Gunter said, and the three of us headed over to a table of 6 and shoved them all off their chairs, snarling at each of them. "Look out chump! Incoming ME-109!" I chuckled as I pulled a chair out from underneath one of them. As they walked off, complaining, and threatening to call the police, I ripped my shirt off and hit a most-muscular at them...that scared them off!

The manager came over, cleared his throat, and just before he could ask us to leave, Nobby seized him by the tie and pulled him close so he was nose to nose with him. "Roight, wot we want is some FOOKIN grub, and fookin QUICK, get it?" Nobby snarled, glaring into the man's face with his small, cold black eyes, which make those of a man eating shark look warm and friendly. Terrified, the little Chinaman ran away, yelping 'okay, wight away...wight away.." and the three of us leaned back in our chairs, stretched ourselves out, and basked in the glow of the intimidation we instilled in everyone else at the restaurant!

After eating more food in one sitting than the restaurant usually cooks in a night, we leaned back, and enjo a glass of some very potent Chinese hard liquour. Gunter got a tad ed, and pointed to the next table "Ja...ve could use some LEBENSRAUM..dis table is not enough room!" he slurred. "Why yes, indeed... those half-breeds over there have no right to it, do they?" I quipped.
"Time for BLITZKREIG!!!" Gunter bellowed, then stood up, staggered over to the next table, flipped it over, and started screaming like a madman "GO ON! GET OUT OF HERE! MAKE ROOM FOR ZEE SUPERMEN!! SCHNELL!!!" at the 3 shocked old ladies at the table. They fled the restaurant, and a few moments later we could see out the window two police cars pulling up- for us, no doubt!

Gunter glared at them, and I decided it was time for Nobby and I to make our usual escape- and leave Gunter to take responsibily for the trouble we'd caused in the restaurant!

I leaned over to Gunter, grinning, and set the stage for my and Nobby's escape."Gunter, old chap, looks like it's time for the 'Schleifflen Plan'!" I said.
"Ja, like in de 1914, vee overvelm dem vit our strategic attack" Gunter slurred.
"Yes, EXACTLY. All right then. Let's say the police officers out there are France- and that kitchen door leading out the back is Belgium- YOU perform the frontal assault on France, while Nobby and I go round Belgium, and OUTFLANK them!" I suggested. Then I turned to Nobby, and informed him, in a low whisper, of our real intentions- "**** Belgium, Nobby, we're taking off". Nobby thought it was a sound idea. "Fookin roight!" he snarled.
Rising up out of his chair, Gunter seized the bottle of liquor off the table, chugged it down, reeled back on the balls of his feet, then thundered "GOTT MIT UNS!!" and charged out the front window of the restaurant and right into two police officers, clotheslining them both!
Meanwhile, Nobby and I stormed through the kitchen door, through the kitchen, and out the back door, knocking it off its hinges! We leapt in the Rolls Royce and pulled out, slowing down as we drove past a small brawl involving Gunter and 5 or 6 policemen.
Nobby rolled down his window, stuck his head out, and snarled "OI! Mates! 'URT THE SAUSAGE EATIN BAHSTAHD!!!" to the baton-wielding cops, then floored it and we roared off, laughing!

I hope Gunter takes it all in stride. I know he will, and count Nobby and I amongst his good friends, even as he sits, battered and bruised, in a holding cell at the police station!

Sometimes i wonder how guys find the time to write bulshit like this.

[LatsMcGee]

What's Gunter's favorite Carcass album?

[m8]

What's Gunter's favorite Carcass album?

Reek of Putrefaction.

[Howard]

with a hot ass wife like his, i am sure he would rather spend his time with two eglish queers named nooby....


amateurs.....

Yeah, but ya gotta admit that Nooby must be one strong chaffuer.

[LatsMcGee]

Reek of Putrefaction.

Gunter is cooler than I thought.

[bigmo6891]

BULLSHIT DUDE!!! I DONT BELIEVE THE STORY>>>>> POST SOME PICS

[m8]

BULLSHIT DUDE!!! I DONT BELIEVE THE STORY>>>>> POST SOME PICS

[bigdumbbell]

the jack boots part was cool 

[body88]

It's not my work...sadly. It's the work of Victorian Guy..poster on bbing.com and EF.

Nobby would tell you to take credit for another fools labor. Fuggin root!


Hahaha, oh brother.

[Victorian guy]

I'm pretty sure he and Longshanks were one in the same. 

No. Longshanks was bro1058 aka michaelcorleone on anabolex.com. I am not that person. Havent posted here in a long time. Why would someone cut and paste a post of mine as if it were theirs.

[Victorian guy]

The Gunter tale is mine, but the roid rage story posted starting 'check it' is not mine, that is bro1058.
I was banned from anabolex years back, stopped posting on EF because they changed it to some sort of paying thing so I went to free sites. Most of my true tales are on bbding.com; a few ones from EF arent there like the one where I dropped a 150 pound dumbell onto a person's crotch.
The stories are, as I always maintain, true. There are over 30, cant remember at last count. i havent logged in here for a very long time- I may have been banned some time ago, like 4 or 5 or more years, don't remember.

[m8]

Victorian guy: a true legend.