several Jokes.

[sync pulse]

• A young American woman is touring Germany.
• She is walking down the street when a sleazy guy jumps out of an alley and opens his raincoat.
• "Ewww," she shrieks. "That's gross."
• "Danke schoen," he says.

[sync pulse]

World War II Joke....

• They named a brandy after Napoleon;
• They made a herring out of Bismarck;
• So Hitler is going to end up as a piece of cheese!

(History note..."Piece of Cheese" used to be a United States slang term for Fecal Matter during WWII....)

[berblexer]

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one orders a beer.
The second orders half a beer.
The third, a quarter of a beer.
The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers.

[berblexer]

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a street café watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people entering the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people leaving the house. The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist says, "They must have reproduced." The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the house then it will be empty."

[sync pulse]

Entry Exam For The BBC Symphony Orchestra--Viola Players
The pass mark is 10% but be careful--over 45% and you are overqualified.
 


Who wrote the following:
a) Beethoven's Symphony No. 6
b) Fauré's Requiem
c) Wagner's Ring Cycle
[5 pts.]


Tschaikovsky wrote 6 symphonies including Symphony no. 4. Name the other five.
[5 pts.]


Explain "counterpoint" or write your name on the reverse of the paper.
[10 pts.]



Which of the following would you tuck under you chin?
a) a timpani
b) an organ
c) a 'cello
d) a viola
[1 pt.]


Can you explain "sonata form"? (Answer yes or no.)
[5 pts.]



Which of the following literary works was made the subject of a Verdi opera?
a) First among Equals -- Jeffrey Archer
b) Macbeth -- William Shakespeare
c) Noddy and Big Ears -- Enid Blyton
[5 pts.]


Domenico Scarlatti wrote 555 harpsichord sonatas for which instrument?
[5 pts.]



Arrange the following movements in order of speed, starting with the slowest first.
a) Quickly
b) Slowly
c) Very Quickly
d) At a Moderate Pace
[4 pts.]


Where would you normally expect to find the conductor during a performance?
[5 pts.]



Which of the following wrote incidental music to A Midsummer Night's Dream?
a) Des O'Connor
b) Mickey Mouse
c) Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy
d) Terry Wogan
[5 pts.]



Which of the following is the odd one out?
a) Sir Colin Davis
b) Andrew Davis
c) Sir Peter Maxwell Davies
d) Desmond Lynham
[5 pts.]



Arrange the following words into the name of a well known Puccini opera.
Bohème, La
[5 pts.]


Within five minutes, how long is Chopin's Minute Waltz?
[5 pts.]



From which of the following countries did Richard Strauss come?
a) Venezuela
b) Sri Lanka
c) Germany
d) Japan
[5 pts.]


For what town were Haydn's "Paris" Symphonies written?
[5 pts.]



Which is the odd one out?
a) Fantasy Overture Romeo and Juliet -- Tchaikovsky
b) Romeo and Juliet -- Berlioz
c) Romeo and Juliet Ballet -- Prokofiev
d) Ten Green Bottles -- anon.
[5 pts.]



From which song do the following lines come?
"God save our gracious Queen, Long live our noble Queen."
[5 pts.]



Spell the following musical terms.
allegro
rallentando
crotchet
pizzicato
intermezzo
[5 pts.]


Tosca is a character found in which Puccini opera?
[5 pts.]



Arrange the following letters to form the abbreviation for a well known British broadcasting corporation.
C, B, B.
[5 pts.]

[sync pulse]

 

• How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
• 12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

[Nirvana]

[sync pulse]

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."
So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished; the G is out flat.

An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit - and everything else - and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest -- and closes the bar.

[El Diablo Blanco]

Did you stumble across a joke book for nerds?