Bodybuilder's Arm Explodes, Causes Ecological Disaster20 April 2013
IronMeister and syntaxmachine
The battle against a viscous sea of oil along California's southern coast has been lost, and as the casualties rapidly mount, scientists hope to at least salvage some lessons from the disaster.
The hemorrhage of SEO oil from bodybuilder 'cswole' – reportedly caused after he tripped and punctured an arm on a jagged rock along the coast of Long Beach while recording a message to "180 pound, 16 inch arm twinks hating on me" – has been staunched. But the darkened shore of Long Beach has become a death trap.
For the first time since the spill, large numbers of its victims were located today and collected by scientists. The toll of marine life is expected to be so heavy that California's Department of Environmental Protection brought a refrigerated tractor-trailer to Long Beach to store dead birds and animals.
At least two hundred bodybuilders, trainers, and schmoes from more than 15 local gyms, the IFBB, and consulting companies have begun a coordinated assessment of the damage. Initial reports indicate that cswole was carrying approximately 55 gallons of synthol in the damaged arm alone.
Detained in a local hospital and presenting a gaunt, emaciated visage and 180 pound frame to the cameras – the result of doctors draining the rest of the oil from his body – cswole gave a brief statement to the press this morning before passing out again:
“never seen such a group of pussman small man ILS NSS SMS clowns in my life, would own every one of you in person, i laugh my ass off every time, just thinking about you pussy clowns makes me laugh, i go to the gym and say boy wonder if the pros over at getbig could lift that 35 lbs that lady is training with, then i think in my head, I highly doubt it, only thing they are lifting is their boyfriends asses off their faces................... ... I OWN EVERY FUCKING ONE OF YOU CLOWNS, FACT”
An anonymous source has told G&O Weekly that the U.S. Senate is preparing a bill in response to the spill. The bill will establish DHS checkpoints along all beaches to screen for the presence of SEO-filled arms and deny access to bodybuilders with either swoliosis or 1 or more gallons of SEO per arm. The IFBB's athlete representative has stated that the organization will challenge any such bill in the courts for being discriminatory against IFBB professionals.
