I dont know if good and evil exist... maybe only the fittest survive, and tell /write a story about who s good and who is evil afterwards. The loser is always evil to the winner.
Fact is there are only people and animals -people being animals- who are adapted, or arent adapted. In other animal species inadapted individuals die. In the human specie we keep them alive because it gives a job, reason to live, salary, to other humans who arent as weak but who arent strong enough either to compete with the strongest above them. In other animal species there is no compassion for the physically weak as he is useless to the survival of others. In humans, even the physically weak can be useful to stronger individuals because of his thoughts , strategies of survival he can teach to younger individuals , or for his /her money which is a strategy , tool for survival. You can see compassion in some other monkey species for example; individuals mourn dying, ill loved ones who helped them survive, gave a meaning to their lives. They probably only do so because it decreases their own odds of survival; we only care about important people or relatives dying, not about people who arent beneficial to our survival. We humans do the same, we dont care about people we dont know. We ignore them. Which also is a strategy of survival. Ignore, avoid, potential enemies, while sublimating yourself creating stuff, working, to finally dominate them later.
Some people are engeenered to be stronger than others, and others smarter. But we re all fighting for our own peace and tranquility, which often comes at the price of submiting someone else, we re all fighting for ressources, for power, money, for domination. Sometimes people submit , sometimes they dominate, sometimes they cooperate when they have enough shared interests and fighting would lead to mutual destruction, and sometimes they flee. All lifeforms, everything that exist, animals and plants , microscopic cells or heavy objects in space are ruled by these very simple rules.
Now everyone thinks he deserves this or that, everyone thinks he s the best and deserve it, and everyone is born different, inequal, with less or more strenghts than others. And we re all trying to adapt to survive, picking one the aforementioned main strategies of survival depending of the random threat we re facing. Life is basically a succession of threats you have to adapt to until you cant anymore. We also all try to learn from others their best strategies of survival in order to integrate them in our own panel of strategies of survival to increase our odds of survival. You can learn from books -people wrote to make a living; they shared the strategies of survival they found in order to get paid for what they discovered, it's a way to sublimate yourself- or from listening to, observing others. We all calculate each others strenghts and weaknesses in order to know how to approach -dominate, get the most while giving the less in order to preserve our limited amount of energy- each others. Can ultimate peace be found? Only if you are constantly dominant; and only rich and powerful people are "always happy" as they can control others and not feel frustration having submited everyone else. Also when you earn something you spend the rest of your life to defend it.
I think happiness is linked to control, domination, submission -to people we know for certain wont hurt us- cooperation and failing, fleeing to find the place and the people who will all fit in the picture. A mix of it all, all the pros without the cons. Considering you cant dominate in all aspects of life, you need some things you master, you need to submit to someone, and you need to cooperate, and who never fled , failed? Hapiness is probably finding "it all" the quickest, and then do something positive about it all in return. There is a need to fit and produce for society even if you re confortable in your little warm place.
I m also convinced this little warm spot, your piece of heaven in hell, can only be built by heterosexual and willing to have kids couples. There are homosexual and heterosexual couples with or without kids but they are wrong. Their kids are going to be fucked up. The best scenario is a man and woman who are humble and live in a calm warm spot where they raise happy kids who will once adults reproduce this scheme. It's important tho that they must not have too much money and be self sufficient.
Big dumb people hate short smart people, short small people get smarter to survive and avoid the fists of the big bullies, or take steroids until they destroy themselves, women want to take over men and men want to take over women, kids want to take over parents and parents want to take over kids... and we re all either unilaterally trying to dominate other, or we submit to them for a moment or definitely, or we flee, or we cooperate. Cooperation works as long as the mutual exchange of ressources to insure each other odds of survival is balanced. When one gives more than he receives, it will create tensions and if it isnt balanced, corrected, the other will take over.
Also any force that doesnt meet a wall obstacle or counter force, will keep flowing freely.
My mother used to tell me "folly, madness, is destruction". The problem with her saying was that, sometimes you have to destroy to defend yourself, or you re going to get destroyed. But maybe there s a difference between destruction, and defense, maybe there s using violence to destroy blindly, and strenght to...defend, protect, build.
But it would mean....there s a good and evil and most importantly... That there indeed is a God as a result. I believe Christianity is the real, right and only true religion. Everything else will fail.
I dont hate all people. I hate people who are strong with the weak, and weak with the strong. And i love people who are strong with the strong, and weak with the weak.
I give my total and unconditional allegiance to God the One and only One, Who is, Life itself. May He spare my life, save me, and grant me -my genes- eternal life. May he read into my thoughts and show me the light. May he allow me to do justice. He will do so, only if I listen to Him , never abandon, forget Him, and never submit to the wicked nor become like him.
Only someone who has a deep understanding and respect of life , know death, nihilism, destruction but didnt fall for it, resisted it, does his best to avoid, fight it with all means necessary, can preserve it, reverse engineer it and re create it. But you also have to be part of life, to have kids, to fully understand its meaning.
Dumb, ignorant people who have a superficial understanding of life dont care about the future, and are only focused on the present. They kill without a second thought anything that threaten their domination. They only care about themselves. They believe money, power, lead the world and life in general. They are not, humans. They are animals who pretend to be humans. Being human is, something else.
I am not a jew, I am not a christian, I am not a protestant, I am not a catholic, I am not an atheist, I am not an indian, I am not a buddhist, I am not a confucian, I am not a muslim.
I am not God.
I am just a man.
Who tries to understand what is good and evil, and who is scared of death and dont want it to win. I can merely fight it with my fists, a knife, would probably do better with a rifle. But again, not alone. I fight death with my thoughts. A doctor, scientist, atheist, would probably call such a text a perfect example of a schizophrenic/ bipolar/ paranoid /autistic/ obsessive/compulsive (strike out the useless mention) mania provoked by intense daily stress that should require an immediate internment and the administration of magic pills. All these people would make a living out of people like me. Now a religious people would probably understand what I'm saying differently too. A depressed atheist would probably be transported by it , follow it, and be as lost as I am in the end. As a result I would be his, her leader, and his, her destination would be in my hands.
Only the love for and from my family helps me get thru it each and every single day. It's my natural antidepressant, the problem is that my will power, will to live, will to dominate, to play the game diminishes every single day a little more. Unemployment doesnt help, society doesnt need me, doesnt wait for me, and i dont have the stamina, energy, anymore to face the younger, stronger, "smarter" competition. I love my daughter, but everyday that passes, i realize raising her, is telling her to kill instead of being killed. To be strong, to be smart, to survive at all costs, even if at the detriment of someone else. I will have to teach her to ignore, to dominate, to seduce. To play the game with a full deck of cards so she can do "better" than me.
It would be my way of playing the game thru her , a game i was never taught by my father who regret having given birth to me, regret his own life even if he s hooked on it -in fact he s hooked on sex with two or three lonely ugly women who failed past relationships just like him, that's his only motivation to stay alive, he does nothing of his days, only focus on the pleasure of food and sex while using his brains to stay on welfare as much as he can while parasiting (taking more than he gives-working women- I only survived thank to because of what my mother left me with. My step father was fat and loved our mother, but not me nor my bigger brother. We werent his kids, his own blood. I have been exposed to him for years, to a non loving father who think life "is dumb", to a mother on anti depressants who had a great career but is single, lonely, ugly, and who now pay a psychanalyst to still talk to a man... Her own mother hated her and prefered her other sister. Funny how everyone's past cross each other's, we re blindly reproducing stuff over and over again. Strategies of survival. It keeps going on and on and on, lifeforms win, feel good, lose, feel bad; some animals have what it takes to feel, others dont, depend of their brain, neural development. Over and over and over again. Lots of suicidal, adulterous, depressed deep thinkers in my ancestors. Im just their sum, the physical, psychological, sum of who they were. They mixed with other people. I inherited it all, and just like them I didnt choose to be spawned by them, and all I'm left with to play the game is their strategies of survival stored, recorded into my genes. Oh, education, the stuff i learned, read, acquired strategies of survival have their importance. Just like the love I received, and didnt receive, has its. A mix of all of this.
I'm conditioned, programmed, to suffer. I could work again, dominate, kill, erase, manipulate people daily 8 hours a day. It s an anti depressant. Use your strenghts to kill instead of being killed. I could steal, rob, murder -notice the difference between murder and killing; you kill to survive, you murder when it's not necessary- take drugs, go from a young naive woman to another using my physical appearance to survive. I could use my brains to study and dominate, or to create stuff that would motivate other people to want to live. Telling them tales, writing, drawing unreal, strong characters they would model their own character after.
Do something. play the game. Be part of it. Contribute. Again. It would automatically acts as a "natural" anti depressant, would produce dopamine, serotonin in my brain, that's just the way it is designed, wired by blind, random, unfair evolution, or by a superior power.
The problem is, i dont want to hurt, I dont want to suffer, I dont have the strenght, the stamina, anymore. Probably what happen when you re raised by a single woman, exposed mostly to females constantly. You become weak...feminine, gay? Still Im a god in bed and i love fucking my wife, and if find women beautiful -i completely abandonned the desire to fuck them tho, as i realized i couldt raise several offspring with several different women so now i just find them beautiful, and tell my wife what i like in them and she tries her best to ressemble it-
Maybe I should try that path, maybe that's my place, bisexuality, homosexuality. The problem is that most gays dont reproduce, some do, some dont. It's a problem because it's nihilistic. Most just use frantically use sex often with different partners as their main anti depressant, most are very intelligent, sensible, deep , productive artists. They are often rich and have a deep influence on society. Some think they are the future, some think they are just as absurd, and vain lifeforms, as heterosexuals.
I dont know. Maybe we are just animals who simply adapt to the environment that life's randomness expose them to. Lack of trustable, confident, stable family doesnt help. People coming from stable families simply follow what their caregivers tell them to do. Everyone is playing the game his, her best. Whatever your skin color, beliefs, philosophy, religion. All races have their poors, their riches, their alphas and betas. We are all the fucking same. Animals. Trapped in the same game which rules never change. Some say knowledge is power. I have understood everything there is to understand because for some reason i'm am incredibly intelligent -intelligence being the way one observe, analyze and explain, order and expose what he understands- but I am also incredibly unhappy. Old people who were busy all life long playing the gaes blindly, following various influences from various people they ve been randomly exposed to come to the same conclusion as me. One day they re retired, they have all the time to look at life from outside, observe it, understand it more and more each day.
Im 30 and have the knowledge of a 80 y/o. I probably didnt understand everything yet. Is coming to the conclusion life is absurd, really "understanding it" ?
Maybe I am a sinner, my father always told me he was lazy and regretted it. But it's not that he was lazy, it's just that...just like me, he was abandoned by his own father. He had no confidence in himself, he built none, and had none to give. His father was violent and drank with him too. I understood and pardoned him after meeting with him. He s a cynical, bitter hateful, nihilistic scornful man who pretends to be tough but who gets more and more pathetic as he ages. As nihilistic as he is tho, he keeps hooked on women and welfare tho. Do I understand him, believe him, am convinced by him, am i following in his footsteps. Problem is, what he says, makes sense. The ultimate irony is probably that even if separated, both He and my mother end lonely, and saying the same things about life.
Im just trying to hold the fuck on. Im trying to fucking understand.
The funny thing is, that being the depressed man trying to find his niche, I'm filling a place, a role, that's probably who I am.
