Seems like you have put your body through hell. Glad to read that you are doing better, but you might be playing with fire still since you aren't really drug free....alcohol and coke being drugs. Maybe someday, you will give those up too.
I agree, Prime. However, there is absolutely no chance in Hell that I will ever use Heroin again. Truly. It's kind of like a horrible food allergy. Not to make the worst and most P.C. analogy ever here, but it is kind of like a food allergy. Let's say you eat scallops as a kid (this is a personal story) and you end up liking the taste and the unique texture but then you get violently ill.
Well to this day I can't eat scallops without vomiting.
The depths that heroin pushed me to in life, the amount of times that I woke up covered in my own vomit or blood- the MONTH straight where I ate only ice cream sandwiches and spoke to nobody and drove a porsche around aimlessly nodding off because i was trying to die but too much of a coward to take my own life- I NEVER can go back to that.
After I got clean, the mere THOUGHT of the... scent... of doing a line of heroin--the all engrossing, chemical smell and subsequent blanket wrap of warm euphoria and the dreams and peace and darnkess then you wake up in withdrawal covered in vomit--is something I can't deal with.
And I agree that I shouldn't use cocaine. But I sometimes do when I drink. That's really it for me now. I have to avoid pain killers for the most part because they obviously remind me of heroin.
And before anyone gets a misconception of what a Junkie is, trust me that you would not even know that I was a junkie and I was one of the most severe cases I have ever seen including many who have died from this.
Somehow I willed myself out of it. And I was always using heroin to cover up the fact that I am a diagnosed sociopath or whatever and you can google this much: opiates of sociopaths go hand in hand because they make you feel. Opiates let me cry. Fake tears. But cry nonetheless. That had never happened. They manufacture synthetic love. Ideas become facts. Then facts become obcessions. The key is to dig deep and find yourself through the draw. And I do know this: for anyone who is struggling with addiction, you CAN beat it on your own, because I beat a heroin-cocaine-amphetamine-benzodiazapene-alcohol-barbituate (fiorinal)-oxycodone (all at ONCE addicted to ALL) addiction over the course of 3 months or something.
They key is though, you can't do anything for that 3 months. I had worked enough to have that luxury. And detoxing by myself was hell. Truly, indescribable. I would wake up in such severe panic (waking up in the midst of panic attacks) SCREAMING at the top of my lungs, crawling through the house for a knife to kill myself because voices were telling me to kill myself. I would usually wake up from these panic attacks. But one lasted a legitimite couple days once and I taped myself to a chair because I realized I was going to slit my throat (yeah.. that was the plan. I did the whole wrist thing but cut the wrong way not knowing and it takes too long to bleed out,. then i woke up from the panic attack and put vodka on the wounds and taped them. so i decided the next time i was going for my throat. and that's why i ended up taping myself to my chair. which was very very hard to get out of. and i pissed myself and shit myself but i got CLEANER in the 2 days on that chair. i could trust myself when i finally gnawed my way out of the gorilla tape because i was sitting in my own shit and vomit and piss).
