Every steroid users worst nightmare

[dyslexic]

Wes,


I am impressed.


You could write a very entertaining book.


I would buy it.


Just make sure you cover everyone from Sergio Oliva (what he thought of Arnold having that back-drop painted the same color as his skin) and cover Dorian and how he intentionally planned on sabotaging the future of bodybuilding with Two Men and a Baby ~

[wes]

Wes,


I am impressed.


You could write a very entertaining book.


I would buy it.


Just make sure you cover everyone from Sergio Oliva (what he thought of Arnold having that back-drop painted the same color as his skin) and cover Dorian and how he intentionally planned on sabotaging the future of bodybuilding with Two Men and a Baby ~

lol

I didn`t write those my friend........I wish I was that imaginative.

Just found them on the web......guy`s been writing that stuff for years now.

[anabolichalo]

After our grueling leg day (night), I headed down to the local Outback with my training partner, Lex. A few steaks, mounds of potatoes, cold beer, and laughs were on the agenda for the evening. Getting pussy was not, but when you are THE alpha male, it's always a possibility.

So after the meal, and taking a huge dump in the men's room, we are paying the bill when Lex motions over to the bar. Couldn't believe what I saw. Four hotties laughing it up with a couple of college frat boys. I took off my aviators to get a better look at the guys.

Me: <squinting> Yep, just as I suspected, looks to be 13, maybe 14 inch biceps?
Lex: You thinking what I'm thinking?
Me: <grinning> Lets do it.

Me and Lex do the lat flare walk over to the bar area, sleeves rolled up on our 18 and 17.5 inch pythons, taking a seat nearby the aforementioned crew. I took out of my pocket my "trick money"; $100 dollar bills on each end, with about 25 singles in the middle. One of the girls saw this and flocked (If muscles are #1 on women's wish list, money is number 2 on their sleazy gold digging agenda).

Girl1: Hey baby! You gonna buy me a drink?
Me: <pulling down my aviators a bit> F**k would I do that? Do I look like your boyfriend or something?
Girl1: What's your problem? Figured your cheap ass could spare a drink with all that cash you're carrying.
Me: <condescendingly> Well apparently that's not the case, Shirley Temple. (She was wearing a Temple University sweatshirt) Run along to your skinny frat friends. You aint getting none of this (I flash the wad of cash) and you aint getting none of this (flashes 18 inch python)

<She runs back to her friends. Lex knows what's going on and gives me a wink. Not two minutes later, the whole group returns.>

Frat Boy: I'll be buying all you ladies a drink tonight, cuz I'm a nice guy.
Me: <takes a shot of tequila> More like an AFC if you ask me, chump.
Girls: What's an AFC?
Me: You wanna know what an AFC is? Follow me girls. <Me and Lex walk out the door, not looking back but knowing they will follow>

We take them across the street to an internet cafe. I try to log onto bodybuilding.com but its not working (apparently you have to PAY to use the internet at these cafes? I usually wouldnt be caught dead at one of those places. The depressed emo loser thing doesnt get you hot pussy)

Me: Give me $5 so I can use this piece of s**t
Girl3: You have $2500 in your pocket, why cant you pay for it?
Me: I'm out of here. I cant deal with--
<All of a sudden girl 4 takes a 5 dollar bill out and i put it in the computer. I log onto the Sauce Head sticky>

Me: <grinning> Read up, ladies.

The next few minutes, I hear the girls excitedly screaming "Oh my GOD, those frat guys WERE AFC's! And you guys are Alpha Male PUA's!". I grin at lex, knowing that we would be getting laid tonight. The girls read for about ten more minutes (even putting in 5 dollars to read more) before we all head back to the Outback.

Frat Guy 2: So about that beer?
<Sorority Girl 2 takes the beer he was drinking and pours it over his head.>

SG2: Get lost, you f**king AFC's!
FG2: What the f**K?
SG3: <rubbing my chest> yeah, we found some alpha males. Go back to the frat house and jerk off!

<With that, they leave, my grinning face the last thing they see. Me and lex piled the girls into my BMW and head over to their sorority house.>

That night, I was pleasured for hours by two sorority girls: a cute lil asian and her blonde friend, while Lex had the other two. Lex wakes me up at 7AM, telling me I need to drop him off at home so he can to to work. I walk out the door, sunlight streaming in from the morning sky.

"Wait!" one of the girls screams as I walk out. "are you ever coming back?"
<I sling my jacket over my shoulders and strap my aviators on>
"My mama said to never break promises I cant keep". Me and Lex lat flared back to my beamer and sped away from the house, never to return.

[anabolichalo]

When the invitation for my 5 year class reunion came in the mail, I almost had a nervous breakdown. You see, Doctor Swole was not always an alpha male pimp with 18 inch pythons. In fact, high school was hell for me, I graduated at 105 lbs and was constantly tortured by my classmates.

After graduation, I spent three years in my basement with my cat, lifting weights and eating cans of tuna like they were junior mints. The only time I came out was to go to night classes at a local college. Since that time, I have built my body into a rock hard temple and am also a self-made millionaire. I couldn't wait to show all the f**kers from high school what I had become

The invitation said "suit and tie", but if you know me, I'm just not a suit and tie kind of guy. I walked in dressed in my usual fur coat, aviators and beater, with a shovel. I also was carrying my homemade protein shake: 1 jar of Natty PB, 2 scoops of cottage cheese, one can of tuna, and a cup of oatmeal, all blended with skim milk. Delicious

I walked in, lats flared and my adrenaline pumping. I was walking around like I owned the place. Two former classmates approached me.

Classmate #1: Hey I remember you! Hey Sully, remember this kid?
Classmate #2: Oh yeah, that's the one we used to strip naked, wrap him in ceran wrap and tie him to the flagpole. You got a lot bigger man. How ya been?

I felt the rage burn up inside of me. I grabbed each of them by the throat and dragged them into a back room, where I beat both of them unconscious with my shovel. "How's it feel? I said hows it F**KIN' feel?!?! " I screamed at their motionless bodies.

Next stop I headed to the bathroom, where I stripped down to my speedo and oiled up my body. "You've been waiting 5 years for this, Doc" I told myself, psyching myself up. I felt like Eminem before the rap battle in 8 mile.

I headed to the stage, pointed to the DJ, indicating for him to start playing my song. "Welcome to the jungle" blared throughout the room, as I began my posedown. Side Chest, Back double, Most Muscular, I showed off every pose in the book. I watched the stunned reaction of male classmates, while women flocked with dollar bills. "Take it off, Doc!" When I hit the crowd with my signature lat flare, the screams were deafening. One girl even fainted.

I put my fur coat back on and started to walk out. Someone grabbed me by the arm. Tiffany Brown. Nicknamed "Pass Around Brown" for her reputation of having the offensive line run a train on her under the bleachers. She still looked the same. Hot face, nice body, huge tits. "F**k do you want?" I screamed at her.

Tiffany: Well, I thought that was really amazing. My husband's body is- well, not that great. I mean, he's rich and all, but its just so hard to find that total package of wealthy and jacked.
Me: <waving my BMW key in her face> Yeah, I guess so.
Tiffany: Oh god, a BMW. Will you take me for a ride?
Me: <keeping it alpha> I want gas money and a blow job out of it.
Tiffany: <handing me a $20> You drive a hard bargain, but I accept!

I took her for a 2 minute ride into one of the busiest sections of Philadelphia and told her to slob my knob.

Tiffany: Here? In the middle of the city? This is so dangerous!
Me: Tinted windows, cupcake. Now suck.

She knew what she was doing. An absolute Hoover Vacuum.

Me: Hey Tiff, remember the time you asked me to the prom, but then when I showed up at your house you had the football team drive by and throw eggs at me, and then your real boyfriend took you to the prom?
Tiffany: <mouthful of dong> Mmmm***8230; Mmmm.
Me: Well, I never got to tell you how I felt about that.

I pulled my dick out of her mouth and jerked off in her eyes. Two shots of baby batter in each pupil.

Tiffany: Oh god, what the f**k! I can't f**kin see!

I opened her door and pushed her into the street, in only her underwear and shoes. Keep in mind this is one of the busiest intersections in Philadelphia.

I pull my beamer about 50 feet from her, take her clothes and pour some gasoline on them, and light a match. Meanwhile, Tiff was stumbling around like Stevie Wonder on crack.

Tiffany: <screaming> YOU F**KIN PRICK! GET BACK HERE!

The glare of the pile of clothes on fire reflected in my aviators.

Me: Revenge is a bitch, Tiff, aint it? REVENGE IS A BITCH!

I pulled into my beamer and sped away, laughing like a madman and beeping my horn. I looked in my rearview and saw Tiff standing there, clueless.

A small smile crossed my face. "Revenge is a beautiful thing," I thought to myself, lighting up a cigar and speeding home.

[anabolichalo]

I recently joined a gym at a college nearby my house. I workout on my lunch break at my place of employment, but it’s cutting season and I’ll be doing cardio on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings. I could have ran at the track nearby my apartment, but I would be missing out on all the hot college CARDIO BUNNIES! I knew I would be able to score with em, but it didn’t even take me an hour!

So I head into the gym, wearing a PUMA track suit. First I check out the weights section. Typical. Bunch of shaggy haired Ashley Kutcher look alikes doing some chest and bi’s, hoping to get that beach body for Cancun. Pathetic. One guy got a SPOT for benching 135x1. Amazing. I was going to head over and load up 315 and rep it for 12, but I had bigger fish to fry.

On to the cardio area. There’s 16 treadmills. About 10 were occupied; 7 by HOT college girls, 2 by mediocre girls, and 1 fatty. Oh yeah, and like 3 fat guys. I do some stretching in front of the machines before removing my tearaway pants and jacket. Underneath is a pair of green shorts and a beater. I notice the ladies eyes shifting towards me as I pile on a treadmill. I put on my IPOD, but do not listen to music. (This is a trick of mine; whenever I work out I put my IPOD on because I don’t like to be bothered, but I never play music – I like to listen people compliment me when they don’t think I can hear them). “Look at the veins in his arms!” and “Check out those legs…damn!” were two of the better comments. I ran for 30 minutes and got off, walked to the front of the treadmills and did some stretching. Then I made my move. Lifting up my beater to wipe the sweat off my face, I gave the ladies a shot of the goods. I heard one girl even say “Vicki, Look! LOOK at that!”. Then I hear a loud BOOM. One girl had fallen OFF her treadmill (whether it was because of seeing my body or not I’m unsure, but I’m willing to bet that was the cause). She hit her face on the belt and had a bloody nose. I got the f**K out of there.

I was heading back to my car, satisfied that I had planted the seed for future hookups when I hear some footsteps behind me. “Um…sir” I turn around and see a sexy 5’5” blonde with some nice ta-tas.

Me: Yes?
Hot girl: I saw your body in there, and umm… I was wondering if I could get some advice? I’m headed to South Padre Island for Spring Break and I really want to look good
Me: Step into my office baby, and we’ll see what we can do.

<I unlock the doors to my BMW and she climbs in>

Hot girl: Wow, this is a really nice car.
Me: Yeah, its alright. I auctioned off my Porsche and gave the profit to the tsunami relief fund. I miss that car.
HG: That is so sweet! Oh my god...Are you crying?
Me: <trying to cry fake tears> Yeah well, its just so awful what happened to those people.

<Note: I’ve never donated a PENNY to charity, nor have I owned a porsche>

Me: But we were talking about you. Why don’t you take off that shirt so I can see what we’re working with.
<I thought it would be difficult to talk her into this, but she never hesitated. I surveyed her body saying “mmm, hmmm” and “okay”>

Me: You’re gonna have to take off those pants. I NEED to get a good overall look at you.
HG: Is that really necessary?
Me: Off with the pants, sweetie.

<She takes off her pants, and I notice that “HOTTIE” is printed across the ass. At this point, I know I’m getting some. Girls that wear pants that say “HOTTIE” or “ANGEL” or “BABY” on the pants are HUGE whores.>

Me: Well, I’ll tell ya what. I’ll give you my ab routine free of charge.
HG: Really? You’d do that for me?
Me: Yeah I’ll just email it to ya.
HG: That’s so nice of you. How could I ever repay you?
Me: <surveying her body> I can think of one way <I point to my dick and she goes down>

This girl was a Hoover ****in’ vaccum. Obviously a sorority girl, she stops after 25 minutes and says “how long is this gonna take?” (I had slammed my girlfriend at about 4PM so I wasn’t blowing any time soon)

Me: You want the ****in’ ab routine or not?

<She goes back to doing her job, and about 45 minutes later she gets a serving of protein down her throat>

Me: Alright. I’m out.

<I throw her pants and shirt outside the car. She starts getting dressed.>

HG: Email me that routine, K?
Me: Sure.
HG: When are we gonna hang out again?
Me: Ummm…
HG: Come on, give me your number.
Me: <putting on my avitaor sunglasses> Look baby, you don’t wanna get messed up with me. I’m an outlaw. A rebel.
HG: But, i dont even know your name and--

With that, I peel out into the night. All in a day’s work. All in a day's work.

[anabolichalo]

After setting a new gym record on standing calf raises, I decided that a celebration was in order. I told Lex to round up the crew, because we were going hunting for cardio bunnies. Lex called up our other training partner, Mongo. Mongo is a 6'8" 305 lb. bodybuilding monster. To give you an idea, he takes in 5000 cals while cutting, and has an IV stuck into his arm with protein flowing in at all times to avoid going catabolic.

We headed out to the club, all dressed to the nines. Lex in sweatpants, a PROLAB tshirt, and of course his trusty crowbar. Mongo was wearing leather pants, a white beater, with his lifting belt around his waist. I decided to try some peacocking, and wore a pink beater, complimented by a pink top hat and pink Chuck Taylor shoes.

We ran into a little trouble at the door, when the bouncer told us we weren't properly dressed for the establishment. Mongo stepped up to the plate. Bumping into him, Mongo screamed "You sure about that?" The bouncer, terrified, changed his mind but asked for the $20 cover charge. "Cover charge? Just be lucky you're still alive, punk. We ain't paying a cover charge." Lex and I walked in, lats flaring, while Mongo entered the side door (too big to fit through the front door).

We scoped out the situation, and it looked pretty grim. A club packed with AFC's and a bunch of HB8's and HB9's. I shook my head. As you know, I only pork HB10's.

A few minutes later, a group of HB8.5's approached us.

HB8.5: Hi...ummm... we heard you guys were alpha males and we wanted to know if we could hang out with you tonight?

I fought off the urge to vomit (HB8.5's... gross!) and replied, "You know, you've got a lot of nerve coming over here. Don't you think I'm a little out of your league, cupcake? Now get out of here, you're threatening my alpha status."

I was getting impatient. "Mongo, find me a HB10 NOW!" I snarled at him. Mongo took out his binoculars and scanned the crowd.

Mongo: I see a HB10 cardio bunny at the bar, drinking a martini.
Me: Any bodybuilder activity in the area?
Mongo: I dont see any... just an ectomorph.
Me: I'm going in.

I lat flared it over to this broac, and first approached the ectomorph hitting on her. He was wearing a Jose's Surf Shop T-shirt "End of the road, AFC. Step aside and let me handle this cardio bunny."

AFC: Get lost.

Normally, I would have stomped him into the ground, but with Mongo in the club I felt it unneccessary.

Me: <grabbing the AFC by the throat> Look, you f**kin ecto, you better get the f**k out of here before we have a problem. See that guy over there, that's a 6'8" 300 lb. bodybuilder. If you don't leave this club now, and never come back, the cops are gonna have to call the boys down at Jose's Surf Shop to ID your body.

The AFC ran away screaming and I moved in on the cardio bunny. "Your lucky day, baby. You get to spend the evening with Doctor Swole. Wanna feel my pythons?"

Cardio Bunny: What do you think I am, some cheap slut just looking to get laid? I'm better than that.
Me: Oh I get it. You look at me and all you see is shredded quads, 18 inch pythons, and abs you could do laundry on. I'm more than a piece of meat here.

I turned around to leave.

Cardio Bunny: I'm sorry, did you say 18 inch pythons? My name's Isabelle.
Me: Doctor Swole.
CB: Oh, a doctor? What kind?
Me: A uhhh... gynocologist.
CB: Really? How did you get into that?
Me: Well, I guess you can say I just love pussy.

Lex approached me with a look of concern on his face. "Mongo's IV is out of whey. We need to get him some protein before he goes catabolic and gets into a rage."

Me: F**k. How long do we have?
Lex: 15, 20 minutes tops.

CB: Do you have to go? Well here's my phone number, why dont you call me sometime and we can go to a museum or something.

I looked at her phone number in disgust. "Look cupcake, I'm going on a gynocologist exposition in the Phillipines for the next year. Tonight may be our last night together. We should make the most of it."

CB: If you say so, Doctor Swole.

I took her out to my BMW and we started going at it. I hit it doggystyle and finished off by giving her a pearl necklace (the only jewelry I'll ever buy for a woman.)

I lit up a joint and closed my eyes. Lex and Mongo approached the BMW. "We gotta go now, Doc, Mongo's gonna get catabolic."

I told the cardio bunny to leave the car. "I had a great time, Doc. My gynocologist never treated me like that"

Lex and Mongo roared with laughter. "He's no gynocologist. This is Doctor Swole, one of the most notorious Alpha Males on the planet!"

Cardio bunny had a look of denial on her face. "Tell me thats not true! Are you even a real doctor?"

Me: <taking a puff of the joint> I'm no doctor... but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Lex and Mongo roared with laughter. I stepped on the gas and accelerated away from the cardio bunny. She coughed when inhaling my exhaust fumes, and by the time she stopped I had turned the corner. I wondered if she had seen my ALPHA1 license plate, but it's inconsequential. I'll never see her again. My speedometer hit 95 as I raced to Mongo's for whey shakes all around.

Lex: Going a little fast Doc?
Me: <taking a drag from the joint> Those protein shakes ain't gonna mix themselves.

[anabolichalo]

I was invited to a backyard shindig by one of my neighbors. He's not a lifter, and usually I only associate with lifters but I decided to make an exception. I called up Lex and Mongo and we headed to the cookout.

A scrawny ectomorph who was built like Midweststunna was manning the grill, cooking up some greasy double cheeseburgers. I was having none of that. "End of the line, cupcake" I told him. I took the toothpick out of my mouth and threw it into his face, Razor Ramon style. "We own this grill now."

I knocked the greasy burgers over and reached into the cooler Mongo had brought, pulling out three steaks, each bigger than most of the quads of the partygoers. "Hey Mr. O'Sullivan," I said to my neighbor, "Looks like we got the protein we need for meal #6 of today, but I'm gonna need some high GI carbs as well. Why don't you run in the house and get me some potatoes. I know you got 'em in there, you Irish f**k." He looked horrified and said nothing. I took off my aviators and looked him in the eye. "Now."

After wolfing down the potatoes and steak, along with a Mega Shake, I surveyed the situation, and it looked pretty grim. Then I saw her. A tall sexy brunette playing volleyball. "See something you like, Doc?", Lex asked. "Yeah. Something real nice" I said, a cigar hanging out of my mouth.

I headed over to said brunette, flared my lats and rolled up for the approach.

Dr. Swole: Sup baby?
Brunette: Hey there!
Dr. Swole: Who are you here with?
Brunette: This is my dad's house!
Dr. Swole: You're Mr. O'Sullivan's daughter?
Brunette: That's right.

Mr. Sullivan came over at this point. "Please, Doctor Swole, leave my daughter alone, she's only 15 years old! Please!"

I promised him, but about an hour his daughter approached again.

Brunette: This party is f**n' lame! I wish there was some weed around here, or maybe some beers.
Doctor Swole: Well, cupcake, I just happen to have a six pack right here. (I lifted up my shirt and showed her my abs. She melted and immediately went down on me. I banged her twice, and she bled like a paraplegic. "Like a Virgin" indeed.)

Mr. O'Sullivan came out to yell at Mongo, Lex, and I as we left. "You prick! You promised!" I lowered my aviators and glared at him. "At least now you know to never again trust a bodybuilder."

He began talking about pressing charges. Mongo went over and threw him into his front door. His daughter was begging me to take her to prom.

I lit up a cigar and crawled into my beamer. "Let's get some rest boys," I told Mongo and Lex. "Tomorrow is Back Day."

[anabolichalo]

I received an Abercrombie and Fitch gift card from my girlfriend for Christmas. She should have known that someone as swole as me cant fit into clothes designed for 125 lb. Metros who wear flip flops in february, but what can I say.

I walk into my local mall, lats flared and aviators on. I head into A&F, remove my glasses and look around. I was a bit shocked by the awful techno blasting in my ears, and even moreso when I looked around. Two male employees in purple and yellow sweaters were dancing to the music.

“****, this store really is for queers,” I thought to myself. I headed over to the beaters, picked up a few and told a young girl wearing an “Oscar’s Surf Shop” t-shirt to let me into the dressing room.

Me: “Sweetheart, let me ask you a question. If this guy was to wear an A&F tshirt out in public, what would your reaction be?
<I took out a pic of Chris95>
A&F girl: Wow, I’d laugh at his fat stomach. Why is he lifting up his shirt in that pic? He doesn’t have anything that even resembles abs.
<I smile and head into the dressing room>
A&F girl: Wow, you have huge arms.
Me: <sneering at her> Damn right I have big arms.
A&F girl: Umm, if you need any help in here, anything at all, just let me know, k?
Me: Whatever.


<I try on the beater, and its absolutely skin tight and too short. And its an XL too. I guess A&F wants to make its buck and a quarter pound employees feel swole. In fact,the XL beater was so small I couldn’t get it off. I called A&F girl into the room with me.>

Me: <grinning> I can’t get this beater off, its too tight? Care to help?
<She took off my shirt and started gasping>
A&F girl: Oh my GOD! Your body! Your chest, your abs, its PERFECT!
Me: <****-eating grin on my face> You don’t see many bodies like these in this store I bet.

A&F girl rips off my pants and starts to blow me in the dressing room stall. Ten minutes later I blew my load all over her Oscar’s Surf Shop tshirt. At that moment, I realized what Abercrombie and Fitch was all about. It’s not just about polka dot flip flops and 12 inch biceps in pink tshirts that say “Steve’s Clam Shack”. No. It’s about stealing your parents ’46 Model T and running around on the beach in your white A&F boxer briefs, then running into the woods to have a circle jerk with the rugby team. Yes, I had experienced a true Abercrombie moment.

As I walked out, I threw my $50 gift card in the direction of the two queers who were dancing to the techno. “$50 gift card here! Just think of all the ripped jeans you can buy with that!” I yelled at them, then watched as the two boys, weighing combined less than I do in the off season, pulled each others hair and slapped each other for rights to their gift card. I laughed, threw my aviators on, flared my lats, and left the mall. I had other business to attend to.

[anabolichalo]

So I head out to this party last night. Wife beater, Jeans, Aviator Glasses, and my gallon jug of water. I take a spot on the couch, staring at the TV and slugging my H2O. Chick approaches me to talk, and the following ensues:

Her: You want a beer or something?
Me: <Condescending Sneer>
Her: Alright fine you dont have to be a dick about it.

I was acting ALPHA, but came on too strong, so as she was walking away i said "yeah, well, i actually drink this because i'm really into bodybuilding and i'm trying to get super cut up". and she's like "yeah i can tell you have a really good body". i start rubbing my abs and saying how hard i worked them today, and she asks if she can have a peek. at this point, i start speaking louder. "my ABS... you want to see MY ABS? i dont know if i can SHOW MY ABS in the MIDDLE OF THIS PARTY" all other chicks flocked as i lifted up my beater and revealed those six prize ripples. then some 5'10" 140 lb 13 inch bicep pretty boy shows up.

Pretty Boy: <lifting up shirt> what, you think you're special? you're nothing
(he had a decent six pack but no muscle, i call them SKINNY PACKS>

I take a big slug of my water jug and plot my next move. I ripped off my beater and hit the crowd with a lat flare. Excited Shrieks and cries of "oh my god, they look like WINGS!" ripped through the party. pretty boy then proceeds to show his abs again (what else is he gonna do; flash his 13" water pistols?"). I look at him, take another slug of water and say "Game over." With a side tri and back double that will be talked about for ages, I got a standing ovation from the crowd. Ladies flocked to feel up my ripped body as pretty boy stood there. All I could do was laugh.

So at this point I knew I had my pick of any girl at the party. I approached a sexy brunette and invite her to the upstairs bathroom with me, so i could "show her my biggest muscle". 10 seconds after closing the door she was slobbering my knob. As I finished, I walked straight out the front door, jacket over one arm and gallon of water in the other. "Call me!" she screams as I pile into my car. "We'll see" I respond (Keeping it alpha, letting her know she's nothing to me) and speed off into the night.

[anabolichalo]

I heard about a frat party from one of the cardio bunnies I slammed last week. Called me up and said I should make it if I get a chance. After another grueling workout, I decide to take Lex along with me.

We walk into the frat house, and it’s exactly what I expected. 135 pounders in Abercrombie tshirts. Pathetic. I walk through the crowd in my aviators and beater, pushing guys at the party out of the way to establish Alpha dominance. We head into the kitchen, where one frat boy is making mixed drink for a few hotties. “Blender belongs to me now” I snarl at him, dump out the contents and begin to make my patented Mega Shake. Eight scoops of N-Large2, a jar of natty peanut butter, and 2 bananas all blended with lowfat milk. I blend up my mix, toast Lex in our bb.com shakers, and drink.

Apparently not all party participants liked the fact that me and Lex had stolen the blender. One girl had brought the “bouncer” over.

Bouncer: What’s going on over here?
Lex: <taking off his aviators> We got a situation here boss, looks like 19 inch pythons on this guy.

I take off my aviators to get a better look.

Me: <giggling> Fatceps.

I notice a tattoo on the bouncer’s arm, “Big Daddy” it says.

Me: Big Daddy?
Bouncer: <pissed off> Bigger than you.
Me: Maybe so, chief. But I’m swoler.

I reach into my bag and get out my body fat calipers.

Bouncer: Man, get those things away from me!
Me: <grinning> Aw, come on, lets see how much fat are on those fatceps of yours.
Bouncer: <crying> F**k you man, leave me alone! <He runs out of the room while I explode into laughter>

After about 20 more minutes of lat flaring around the party, I realize I have to take a huge ****. That Mega Shake wasn’t sitting too well. I head into the bathroom with the newspaper. (I knew it was gonna be a messy struggle). A few minutes later, some drunk girl comes into the bathroom.

Drunk girl: Hi, ummm, I just wanted to say that you are really sexy and ummm…
Me: Get the f**k out? I’m trying to **** in peace here
Drunk girl: Well, ummm, could I give you a blumpkin?
Me: F**k’s a blumpkin?
Drunk girl: Well, its when you give someone head while they are taking a ****.

<I look her up and down. Decent sized tits and a good face.>

Me: Yeah why not. Just don’t use your f**king teeth.

<I continue to read the paper while she blows me. She ended up swallowing every last drop.>

Drunk girl: Was it good?
Me: Not bad. I’d give it a C+

<Drunk girl lays down and passes out. I realize there is no toilet paper. So I take drunk girl’s shirt and wipe my ass with it and walk out>

Me: Nice knowin’ ya, sweetie.

I decide to find Lex so we can go home. On the way I run into two frat boys.

Frat boy 1: Excuse me? Do you think you could give us some weightlifting tips? I mean we don’t want to get huge or anything, just Brad Pitt in fight Club, you know? Any pointers?

I felt the rage boiling up inside of me but kept my cool. I decided not to punch them out (no need to go back to prison). I bang on the door Lex is in.

Me: Let’s f**King go, I’m tired and I want to go to sleep.
Lex: I got this bitch licking my nuts right now!
Me: Hurry up and nut in her face so we can go home. I’ll start the car.

I walk outside to my beamer. I look at the car next to me, and Bouncer is in it, crying. Not only that, but he was driving a Jetta. I’m sorry, but if you are a bodybuilder you cannot drive a Volkswagen. You could be Ronnie F**kin’ Coleman and you would get no respect from me if you are tooling around in a golf. The only time you could get head by driving a VW is from Gary down at the local Starbucks.

I lit up a cigar and waited for Lex to emerge. “Blumpkin,” I thought to myself, smiling. “Doctor Swole, sometimes you even impress yourself.”

[anabolichalo]

Last night, my ex finally convinced me to meet her ex-boyfriend of 3 years. They have been friends since high school, dated through college, and broke up in November but are still good friends. So I agree, if I can wear a wifebeater, I tell her. She obliged.

So we roll up to Richard's house. Holy f**k this guy was loaded. No wonder she dated him. I mean, I have my own place and a BMW but this cat must be swimming in dough. I didn't expect this but shook it off. Richard answers the door in a Donovan McNabb jersey, with what appeared to be 12? biceps peeking out. First he greeted Jen (my girl) and then he saw me. Though being a few inches taller than me, it was obvious from the first look that I intimidated the f**k out of Richard. How ya doin, Dick, I said, shaking his hand and feeling his bones crunch beneath my grip. He cried out in pain and invited us in.

Jen and Rich get to small talking. He's showing her pictures of the tsunami (he's with the red cross and helps with disaster relief? sleazy way to get pussy if you ask me), then they discuss the presidential debate and the Iraq elections. *Yawn* Finally while watching the super bowl, Rich mentions something about football players being huge, and how its no surprise since they are all juiced up? Jen mouths No to me, but can already see I'm about to spout off.

Me: So you think a little juice makes you huge?
Rich: <nervous laugh> Well, it certainly helps out
Me: Lemme tell you something, Rich. You think if you incorporated some D-Bol into your Elliptical Cardio and Nautilus Machine you would be Ronnie Coleman?
Rich: What's D-Bol? Who's Ronnie--
Jen: Guys, guys please

From there, Rich decides to serve us Dinner or as I call it, CATABOLIC DELIGHT Are you kidding me? Some Middle Eastern Bread, smelly dip, and cous-cous?!?!?

Me: <staring at the table> What the f**k is this?
Rich: It's pita bread, hummous, and---
Me: No, I mean, WHAT THE F**K is this? <I'm fuming at this point>
Jen: <nervously> I THINK what he needs is some protein. He's big into bodybuilding and needs to get his protein intake in.
Rich: <nervous> Just go in the kitchen man? take? take whatever you want.

I rampage through Rich's cabinets, settling on a gallon of milk, peanut butter, and oatmeal. Rich watches in horror as I sit transfixed on his couch, shoving food down my throat and slugging my milk gallon.

after about 20 minutes... I break the silence..

Me: T.O. is a f**king warrior tonight, isn't he Rich?
Rich: Yeah. Look, I wanted to apologize about the food. I had no idea and I'll do anything to make it up to you.
Me: <mouthful of food> Anything?
Rich: Anything
Me: I want to armwrestle.
Rich: Armwrestle? <laughs> Come on, what are we, 10 years old?

Rich could see that I meant business though, and he came over to the table and rolled up his sleeves. I fought not to laugh at his 12 inch pipes. With my girlfriend screaming Please don't do this!? I slammed Rich's arm into the table as he started screaming OH GOD WHAT THE F**K DID YOU DO!?!?!?.

I'm done with this s**t, I said, grabbed my coat and Jen and said we need to get out of here. We can't leave him like this!,? Jen cried. SHUT THE F**K UP AND GET IN THE CAR I snarled and pushed her out the door, slamming it behind me.

I think it's safe to say Rich will be staying away from my girlfriend from now on.

[anabolichalo]

Nobby and I decide to go to the local pub after a grueling satisfying workout that consisted in having to clobber two pricks that were employed their for racking our weights we left on the squat rack the day before.

As usual, wearing my Russian sable fur coat, aviators and carrying my shovel walk in with Nobby right beside me with a bike chain wrapped around his gorilla thick wrists. The silence and the undivided attention gets me fired up and conspires me to do a front lat spread pose causing the lights to flicker and the girls to froth. Shortly after people apprehend their senses back, two old gutter pups get up and exit leaving us two seats.

We take our seats on those thrifty bargain-countered stools. ?Whiskey and I want it now!? I growled. I looked around knowingly how embarrassed the girls on the corner of the pub where seeing how they slobbered all over their voguish sleazy American eagle shirts. Gazing through the cluster of inhabitants, I noticed they were fixated on the television.

U2 was on live, Bono giving one of his dreadful communist speeches. ?What a cock-sucker Bono is,? I thought. All of a sudden I hear, ?Yea!!! U2 ****ing rocks!? I instantly hand pick him from the mob of people standing in the center of the pub waiting for people to leave so they can take their seats. ?I knew it,? I said to myself. It was one of those Pink Polo popped collar wearing AFC?s.

I immediately engorge a hefty walloping whopper of phlegm and discharge it accurately enough to slog him just above his eye forcing the phlegm to slither down blinding his left eye.

Metro sexual: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! My Eye!!!!

I laughed like there was no tomorrow....

At this point everyone was dumb struck, it was dead silent. The only thing you can hear is that cock sucking antichrist Bono going about tattling his communist nonsense. I turn around and give the TV a good ol whack with my shovel causing it to fall and shatter?

Metro sexual: Your gonna pay for this!!! I?ll be back.
Me: Get the **** out of here pansy, and take your Smirnoff ice with you!

His bed buddy?s and he exit the pub cursing and blabbing about. I turn around ?where is my whiskey!? I howled.

I'm progressing through my third bottle of whiskey when I see Nobby get up from his seat and saunter toward one of those girls at the corner. Soon enough, he advances in taking one of those teenyboppers into the bathroom.

The climacteric erotic howls and screams ballyhoo?s its way in infatuating the girls in the corner to fondle their outer pooch. God damn, Nobby is really tearing her apart!? I thought, and I knew that was my cue to step in and approach one of those chicks.

I get up and without saying anything, lift my aviators and give a murderous unpleasant look to the bartender. He knows what he is messing with if he dares gets up on my grill while proceeding to the corner.

Undeniably, the rest of the girls that where left where captivated by my charming debonair and chic style. Their pink tinge reddening blush made them look even cuter. I was just about to get up with them and take them to the alley in the back of the pub when all of a sudden?

Metro sexual: Hey bitch, I?m gonna **** you up!

The AFC was back and yelping outside the pub challenging me to a throw down. Everybody moved to the side as I walked toward the coward with a barbaric smirk on my face.

The stench of simmered cum and the aroma of Rue Cambon perfume commingled with Perry Ellis set upon me, Nobby was right behind me. The melodramatic pulse I felt was like no other. ?Hell will arise tonight,? I said to myself clamp gripping onto the handle of my shovel.

We walked outside and realized that the coward brought ten of his friends. Nobby and I just stand there with smirks glued onto our faces when all of a sudden the AFC decides it would be a good move to charge at me. Immediately I pull out my shovel from my fur coat and give him a nice shiner on the right cheek. Needless to say, he belly flops and plummets mouth first into the pavement leaving two of his front teeth behind him as he skids a couple feet.

His buddy?s are frozen in disbelief in what just occurred. Testosterone driven, Nobby decides it would be funny to wrap his bike chain around the coward?s neck and nip and trim it. The sound of a grown mans shriek in agonizing pain while he gurgles and drools his own vital fluid seemed to arouse Nobby. His friends panic-stricken, run for their lives.

We left the cowards motionless body there. The only commotion was the midnight traffic and the sirens of an ambulance on its way to send another mortal to the morgue. Befuddled by the fact that the sleazy girls have left, me and Nobby decided that we would call it a night so we departed. I drove home in my Beamer without ever having to pay for the whiskey, I would call that a good night.

[anabolichalo]

Its a regular Monday morning on the way to the gym on my brand new Harley. I park right in front of the entrance, flick a couple bills to the lobbyist to watch my baby toy as I proceed to the weight room to work out my pythons.

As usual, heads turned, jaws drop, dead silence sets upon the horizon of the weight room while I take off my Russian Sable fur coat exposing my nineteen inch pythons and continue toward the squat racks to pay my visits to my good ol friend Nobby. As we pay our respects to each other, the sound of the weight clinging, clattering, and the irrelevant rhythm of the chatter between those impudent so called humans commence.

While hoarding all the forty-five pound plates in the gym to begin my curling showdown, I catch this lanky mal nourished teenager staring at me profusely. In complete awe by the fact that he wont look away, I flare my lats with great rage and gave a furious growl in where again silence sets upon the weight room terror-stricken by the fact that Doctor Swole has been enraged. Needless to say, the shattered rawboned kid was hospitalized immediately. After wrapping up doing weights, I chug the rest of what was left of my three gallon shake subsumed of tuna and milk and headed to the cardio room upstairs.
survey the room to see if there are any cardio bunnys around. Fortunately there was. Nice tanned skin, blonde hair, big tits and a nice set of legs, I said to myself. Safe to say, my hormones were through the roof from my intense workout session and I knew I was getting some pooch today.

I quickly strike a front double bicep pose and immediately she turns in disbelief. She stops the thread mill and runs up to me, without saying one word we walk into the mens bathroom where she proceeds to devour my cock. This broad knows her stuff, an absolute hoover vacuum. She polishes it pretty nicely and finishes gulping down the source.

Cardio Bunny: Come to my place tonight, we will have a lot of fun
Me: (being the alpha male) Pay for my gas and cook me an Omaha steak and I will think about it.
Cardio Bunny: ok

I release the climatic stubborn broth one last time only to blind her in the eyes.

Cardio Bunny: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! You freak!!!

My roaring laughs were heard from a mile away.

Went downstairs, put my fur coat on, lit a cigar and rode home in my new Harley with an everlasting grin on my face.