I know you wont take advice but you are trying wayyyyyyy too hard.
I could have simply made the opening post, and knowing you Stalkers, this thread would deliver anyway. Now it am just having fun insiting the Stalkers into a frenzy.
I'll tell you what though, when I need advice about stalking, obsessing over other men's penises, melting down to where I need to hide and change my name, or general douchbaggery... You are right at the top of my go to list my man.