I did. I was born a Catholic ... went to Sunday school, church ... the whole deal. Then when I was in my late-20s I did what you state above. I figured I'd reinvest in my faith and went at it with open heart and conviction.
I even "felt" the presence of god at various stages of my delusion. At the time it felt entirely real. In hindsight, my subconscious mind allowed me to believe all this shite because I wanted to.
Then after a couple of years, my intellect and strength of reason wouldn't let me continue such a farce.
With each passing year since, my awakening has been increasingly impacting, and for me to consider that I actually believed such utter nonsense is troubling.
Religion is horrific and a bane to all human existence.
As another says, it's a form of mental illness.
My mental health is VASTLY improved since allowing truth and reason to infiltrate my life.
I thank you for your story and applaud your courage. It's take a man of humble heart to disclose something as personal as suffering from mental illness and delusion. I'm glad you're on the road to recovery and I pray for your full recovery. I believe you'll get there!!
I often visit other forums of a religious nature as a more casual poster and lurker, but I've witnessed folks that claim they desired to know God and presented a compelling story about how they tried and tried and in the end they found absolutely nothing by way of a God experience. More mature believers/posters discussed the situation with folks and in the end the majority of folks were found to be lying about their "journeys to know God". Some just left the boards and weren't able to engage in further discussion.
Now, I don't at all believe you're lying. I absolutely believe you suffered from mental illness and delusion and fortunately your mind continues to heal. Unfortunately, within your developing clarity, you've chosen atheism. Regardless, I pray for a full recovery for you.
My father told me a story about a man he went to high school with that was a both a friend and believer in Christ. Their relationship as believers grew, but this friend of my father's became slowly colder yet somehow chaotic and sometimes frenzied. One evening at a church service he randomly whispered to my Dad and said, "We need to go. Do you see everyone's face in the choir and audience? They're all dead man.....they're all dead." He was clearly not well as I'm sure you can now clearly process.
Now, this old friend of my father was later diagnosed with a mental illness and eventually spent time in the state hospital. His condition improved slightly, but not as significantly as yours has. In fact he never fully recovered that I'm aware. Not everyone that is mentally ill recovers like you have....I'm grateful you have though...it's encouraging for other sufferers I'm sure.
One simple clarification I would make is that because the mental illness you suffered from incorporated some religious delusion doesn't mean everyone that is religious is also ill like you were. Like my father's friend, he was diagnosed with mental illness (coupled with delusions), but yet my father was never mentally ill. In time, with greater healing, I hope you'll begin to understand this.
Again thanks for sharing your story!!
