My pleasures are few in life. When I get up in the morning and scratch my head over the bathroom sink if there are less than fifteen follicles of hair in the sink than I consider it a personal victory. My ultimately futile battle against physical decline is still raging strong.
I have a 1 in 7 chance (I've kept track) of catching the green light on the corner of Kahekili and Ahuimanu. When it happens I let out a soft orgasmic moan and feel I have just experience a brief moment of eternal salvation, i.e., Heaven.
I've cut down considerably on my McDonald visits due in no small part when their "Dollar menu" was no longer a dollar but they continued to call it that. There was a bit of resentment on my part even though I knew their profit margin was virtually nonexistent and it was just a way to get you into the drive in. I fully acknowledge, accept and encourage that a business primary objective is to make a profit.
But McDonald's are everywhere and always open and so, as a long suffering ectomorph always on guard against going catabolic (which was beginning to percolate), I pulled into the next McDonalds which always manages to be on the right side of the road making for effortless access. Their unworldly customer service to suck in as many customers as possible seems to transcend into the realm of cosmic convenience. I almost feel as if the whole empire was created just to serve me.
It was with no small amount of bitter resentment when I placed my order for the $1.78 McDouble. I usually just buy one because paying almost $2 for something that use to cost $1 offends me deep into my core. But, there was that catabolic issue. Always the catabolic issue.
"That will be $2.09 sir," said the cheerful Filipino drive-through clerk.
"What? $2.09? What are you talking about?"
"With the new year, McDonald's decided to go back to the dollar McDoubles but you have to buy two. So it's two for $2. We just haven't change the price sign yet," replied the clerk with a sly grin as if he genuinely cared and was pleased that he was the first to introduce the new deal to me and enhance considerably the quality of my life.
He had no idea.
Suddenly I felt in full accord with Voltaire's character, Pangloss, that "All was for the best in this the best of all possible worlds."
I felt a warm glow come over me as I cranked up the stereo blasting the Beastie Boy's "Sure Shot" nodding my head like I was making it happen.
"Well, you seem like you're in a good mood," said my always engaging Par'Mach'kai. I then explained the unforeseen blessing that has just come to pass.
"Yeah, there's this big battle between BK and Micky Ds. I've been reading about it for a while now. Always going back and forth trying to one up each other. They'll be giving that crap away by the end of the year."
I smiled broadly, "America. What a great country. Fuck yeah!"
All is for the best in this the best of all possible worlds.
