I've been a non-participating member here for a while. It's an amusing board even though I have no interest in competitive bodybuilding whatsoever.
I suppose I'm a fitness "enthusiast" whose experiences over the last few years seem to very, very closely mirror your own with respect to general anxiety/depression, loss of mental acuity, brain fog, and more recently food obsession and disordered eating. And an unshakable suspicion that (over)exercise and pursuit of leanness are somehow responsible paired with a neurotic reluctance or inability to back off for a while and just be normal, which to us is evidently an all but illusory concept.
Has trying to feel and look good led to this? Health and contentment now seem completely out of reach. Why can so many people achieve these things without unraveling, but not us?
Some of your posts have really resonated with me in the past. It's unsettling how much I can identify with what you've written in this thread. Like you, I've experimented with so many diets and approaches to fitness in failed attempts to "feel better" and address what might be purely psychological issues -- though I've always believed they're hormonal for numerous reasons I probably can't even articulate -- that I've lost touch with anything resembling intuitive eating or exercise.
My compulsion to work out every day has also resulted in near-chronic aches and pains. I can't help but think I'm crippling myself.
I started feeling particularly fatigued and listless last fall after a summer of heavy training (distance running, bodyweight calisthenics, etc.) and mostly unintentional caloric restriction. I was limiting carbs while keeping intensity high for some "innocent" experimentation. Soon enough, libido was in the gutter, mental haze and disorientation were worse than usual (always getting progressively worse throughout the day after tolerable mornings), and interest in life was probably at an all-time low. Had some labs done to find out my total testosterone was at 200. When I had it tested about three years before, it was 1100. At the time, I was lifting weights but overweight, drinking regularly, eating tons of garbage, and generally not taking care of myself in the least. Now at 5'9" and about 140 pounds (extremely lean and obviously tiny), my hormones have completely fucking tanked. Finally got an appointment with an endocrinologist a few weeks ago, and I'm still waiting for my latest lab results. Not sure what will happen then. Possibly TRT.
My self-directed efforts at recovery have been futile. The eating! I never used to think about food much. I had never before exhibited any binge tendencies (mildly orthorexic at times, perhaps), but when I reflect on the last six months I think mostly of a series of binge episodes and subsequent periods of deprivation. They've grown progressively worse. Several weeks ago, I truly "let go" for about a week but had to stop because I was terrified of what I was doing to myself. Pounds (?) of sugar over the course of a day, inhaling nothing but ice cream, cereal, peanut butter, on and on and on. Then I all but starved myself for two weeks. The psychological -- physical, too, no doubt -- toll of this is so incalculably draining.
My question is this: have we actually starved and overworked ourselves into this physical/emotional state or are our brains simply that sensitive to the dopamine/serotonin/whatever cascade that food (and exercise to a lesser extent) unleashes that we've been conned into thinking we're starving? I've agonized over this.
We know we've all but destroyed a part of ourselves with this nonsense. We may be misguided, but our intentions were once noble enough. What now? You see signs of this kind of wreckage scattered across forums here and there. We're a pretty confused, sad lot.
Wishing you luck in all of this. Would be happy to discuss further via PM if you care to.
