Dear Diary: a place for fleeting thoughts and daily ponderings.

[Taffin]

Today has been a morning of unbridled savagery. I didn't realise I'd have to strip to my boxers for a skin check. I'd ran for a quick piss beforehand, and obviously didn't shake too well. when I stripped off, my heart stopped as I glanced down at yet another massive patch of piss spread out across my light blue boxers. I'm fucking turning into Liam Neeson or some shit. It was a female doctor, too.

And to top it off, I'm a fat cunt. I barely even have a hint of abs right now. I've ate 24 packs of scampi fries over the past two days. This has been the wake-up call I needed. It's time to stop fucking about and get back into fitness properly - diet included.

Not your fault.

You, I, and Liam Neeson for that matter, all clearly suffer from the Celtic Curse (need a wheelbarrow to carry our c0cks round).  Trying to ensure our pipes are empty is not as easy as for your regular dudes...p1ss tracks are an occupational hazard...

Oh, and don't worry, I guarantee she was wet too...

[Phantom Spunker]

Not your fault.

You, I, and Liam Neeson for that matter, all clearly suffer from the Celtic Curse (need a wheelbarrow to carry our c0cks round).  Trying to ensure our pipes are empty is not as easy as for your regular dudes...p1ss tracks are an occupational hazard...

Oh, and don't worry, I guarantee she was wet too...

What we need is a 'horse-cock' board, Taffin. Something elite. Approved members only. Those wanting to join have to send photographs to you, me and OneMoreRep.

[Phantom Spunker]

Listening to Gerry Rafferty's 'Right Down the Line' and thinking hard about how much I'd like a piña colada (no homo). I feel like drinking alcohol in the morning might be a great way for me to start my day.

[Humble Narcissist]

Listening to Gerry Rafferty's 'Right Down the Line' and thinking hard about how much I'd like a piña colada (no homo). I feel like drinking alcohol in the morning might be a great way for me to start my day.

Alcoholics around the world agree.

[Taffin]

Listening to Gerry Rafferty's 'Right Down the Line' and thinking hard about how much I'd like a piña colada (no homo). I feel like drinking alcohol in the morning might be a great way for me to start my day.

Get your sweater ready

[Phantom Spunker]

Get your sweater ready

Get a load of that guy, lol. Brutal sex-offender look. My girlfriend keeps unironically playing that song whenever she's making them. Total loser.

[Phantom Spunker]

Dunno why this made me laugh so much, but it did. Martin just standing there getting absolutely roasted and accused of wearing fancy dress. 

[AbrahamG]

Exciting times ahead. Life took a nosedive recently with the death of a parent, and I really now need to be back in the UK, but I have secured interviews with two different departments to become a high-flying mandarin, and I may have just found the perfect flat to buy. I shall celebrate this weekend with my best friends, whiskey, and a ton of junk food.

I missed this post. Sorry to hear about your loss pal.

[Phantom Spunker]

A trespassing tranny almost got mauled by a pack of dogs today at the beach, lol. It was a privilege to witness such a scene. I was at a tranquil little area for dog owners to lounge around and sunbathe. Quite a few hot slags around, some families, loads of dogs. It was a joyous occasion.

That was until a marauding transsexual came mincing over the sand dunes, shattered the relaxed ambiance, and sparked a fucking red alert that had all the dogs going absolutely mental and chasing him. I was pissing myself as all the dog owners scrambled to get them back on their leashes and prevent a bloodbath, lol. Some woman next to me was also in stitches at the sight of this gangly, 6'2" Tim Curry lookalike with bolt-on tits getting chased by about ten tiny terriers.

Strange how they all just sensed that something wasn't right with this person and instantly tried to kill them, haha.

[Phantom Spunker]

I've asked Fat Ron (only joking, Ron) to delete this account just to be on the safe side for a little bit. He's never logged in, though. Still, if he manages to do so, I'll promptly return when the coast is clear. I've always wanted an 'is back' account.

[Phantom Spunker]

After dinner the other night, I was joking with my girlfriend that I'd wash up all of her dishes if she could take two towel whips to her bare ass and unemotionally reply with 'thank you, sir, may I have another?' each time. She was up for the challenge, but I suddenly had a change of heart as I knew I'd likely cause actual damage.

To give a brief demonstration of what it would entail, I attempted to lightly flick my own bare foot with the kitchen towel first. Typically, I completely fucked it up and whipped the sole of my foot with enough force to generate a crack that sounded like a gunshot. I let out a mighty roar that shook the birds from the trees and set off car alarms in the next city, then collapsed into my chair, beaten and humiliated by my own hand.

The moral of this story is simply that I'm too strong. The only man who can defeat me is me.

[Phantom Spunker]

Lord, I am losing my bloody mind being back in the UK and just waiting for people to hurry the fuck up with various processes. I might just go back to what I was doing before. I don't have the patience for all this. No wonder nothing functions over here.

[Taffin]

I've asked Fat Ron (only joking, Ron) to delete this account just to be on the safe side for a little bit. He's never logged in, though. Still, if he manages to do so, I'll promptly return when the coast is clear. I've always wanted an 'is back' account.

Can you dance around the reasons you feel this necessary my friend..? (the deletion, I mean)  Go ahead and ignore if you think it gives anything away though

And I think you'd suit "The Spunk is Back" 

[Phantom Spunker]

Can you dance around the reasons you feel this necessary my friend..? (the deletion, I mean)  Go ahead and ignore if you think it gives anything away though

And I think you'd suit "The Spunk is Back" 

Did you get last PM, mate? Fat Ron ignored the request anyway, so it looks like the spunk is here to stay, lol.

[Taffin]

Did you get last PM, mate? Fat Ron ignored the request anyway, so it looks like the spunk is here to stay, lol.

I did yes thanks - and I for one am glad you were forced back to Stalag GetBig at gunpoint by Herr Generalfeldmarschall Avidan

Maybe a name change instead for you, Tommy?

Permanent Spunker?
Indelible Spunker?
The Unstoppable Spunker

 

[Phantom Spunker]

I did yes thanks - and I for one am glad you were forced back to Stalag GetBig at gunpoint by Herr Generalfeldmarschall Avidan

Maybe a name change instead for you, Tommy?

Permanent Spunker?
Indelible Spunker?
The Unstoppable Spunker

 

Third one is a little too accurate, lol. Sometimes I think chemical castration would be a great option for helping me to get more important shit done. By the way, did you ever confirm if that shooter you found was real or not? The topic popped into my head again just now while watching some crap on YouTube.

[Phantom Spunker]

Just had a harrowing experience at the moron barber shop. She's literally given me a Hankins Special and completely fucked me. I only went in and asked them to shave the back and sides only - leave the top alone.

After clarifying everything, e.g. no stupid lines, no skin fades, just shorten my sides, she spends literally an hour messing around with every electric razor on Earth, trims the top, and shaves so far into it that I now have no hair on my temples and my hairline is so far back I look about twenty years older. She's Robocopped me. To top it off, I am tanned as hell still and now have a massive white strip across my entire forehead.

I'm NEVER going through this again. Gonna have to learn how to do it myself. Surely it can't be too hard just to number 1 the back and sides and blend it in a little with the top.

[Primemuscle]

Just had a harrowing experience at the moron barber shop. She's literally given me a Hankins Special and completely fucked me. I only went in and asked them to shave the back and sides only - leave the top alone.

After clarifying everything, e.g. no stupid lines, no skin fades, just shorten my sides, she spends literally an hour messing around with every electric razor on Earth, trims the top, and shaves so far into it that I now have no hair on my temples and my hairline is so far back I look about twenty years older. She's Robocopped me. To top it off, I am tanned as hell still and now have a massive white strip across my entire forehead.

I'm NEVER going through this again. Gonna have to learn how to do it myself. Surely it can't be too hard just to number 1 the back and sides and blend it in a little with the top.

You'd be surprised at how hard it is to cut your own hair. I have buzz cut my hair for decades. There are almost always areas I miss because I can't see them. Blending the sides and the top makes cutting one's own hair even more difficult. Most barbers do good job of giving you what you ask for. Unfortunately, you got one who didn't. When she was fucking up your hairline, what were you doing that you didn't notice where and how she was cutting it?

[Taffin]

Third one is a little too accurate, lol. Sometimes I think chemical castration would be a great option for helping me to get more important shit done. By the way, did you ever confirm if that shooter you found was real or not? The topic popped into my head again just now while watching some crap on YouTube.

I'm such a lazy b@stard I still haven't been up into the loft to retrieve it - I need the rare combination of

a) house to myself
b) urge to get and use step-ladder

But I haven't forgotten that you and chaos offered to ID it thanks - next time I go up there I'll take a couple of pics

[Phantom Spunker]

I'm not exaggerating when I say I was sat in the chair for an hour. She was a nice young woman - made me bloody coffee and everything. This was a 20 quid hair cut. I wasn't even paying attention that far in; I was browsing my phone, sipping coffee, etc. She was on her third or fourth electric razor and had then switched to fastidiously snipping away at individual hairs with a pair of scissors by the time I saw what was going on and asked her to stop. I've basically got a temple missing on one side now. I feel bad for spending the evening fantasizing about strangling her as she was doing her best, but it's going to take weeks to look normal now. I've genuinely applied my sister's fake tan to my hairline tonight to blend it in.

I'm such a lazy b@stard I still haven't been up into the loft to retrieve it - I need the rare combination of

a) house to myself
b) urge to get and use step-ladder

But I haven't forgotten that you and chaos offered to ID it thanks - next time I go up there I'll take a couple of pics

LOL, it sounds pretty treacherous going up there - maybe just leave it alone. I'm having visions of you falling off the ladder and breaking your neck while clutching a pistol. Your poor family would find you and wonder what the fuck dad was doing  .

[Taffin]

I'm not exaggerating when I say I was sat in the chair for an hour. She was a nice young woman - made me bloody coffee and everything. This was a 20 quid hair cut. I wasn't even paying attention that far in; I was browsing my phone, sipping coffee, etc. She was on her third or fourth electric razor and had then switched to fastidiously snipping away at individual hairs with a pair of scissors by the time I saw what was going on and asked her to stop. I've basically got a temple missing on one side now. I feel bad for spending the evening fantasizing about strangling her as she was doing her best, but it's going to take weeks to look normal now. I've genuinely applied my sister's fake tan to my hairline tonight to blend it in.

LOL, it sounds pretty treacherous going up there - maybe just leave it alone. I'm having visions of you falling off the ladder and breaking your neck while clutching a pistol. Your poor family would find you and wonder what the fuck dad was doing  .

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose, Brother!

Hope the hair grows back soon

[Primemuscle]

I'm not exaggerating when I say I was sat in the chair for an hour. She was a nice young woman - made me bloody coffee and everything. This was a 20 quid hair cut. I wasn't even paying attention that far in; I was browsing my phone, sipping coffee, etc. She was on her third or fourth electric razor and had then switched to fastidiously snipping away at individual hairs with a pair of scissors by the time I saw what was going on and asked her to stop. I've basically got a temple missing on one side now. I feel bad for spending the evening fantasizing about strangling her as she was doing her best, but it's going to take weeks to look normal now. I've genuinely applied my sister's fake tan to my hairline tonight to blend it in.

Hats make great short term cover ups. Being bald, I have quite a large collection of them, although I've been bald for so long I really cannot remember what it was like to have hair.

She probably though she was doing the right thing giving you the au-currant hair style.





You do realize that it could have been worse.

[Phantom Spunker]

Man, I was certain I was being burgled just now, hahaha. It's midnight and there was a small scraping/scurrying sound coming from my living room. For a second I thought an animal must have snuck in. Suddenly, there was a massive crash and the sound of something hitting the glass. I leapt out of bed like a coiled spring, grabbed my field knife and went steaming through to the living room, cleared my corner then lunged straight for the window to give the guy a corrective stabbing. Turns out it was just the new, very heavy curtains I'd installed ripping the head off the window frame entirely and crashing to the ground. Legendary DIY skills. This will probably cost a fortune to fix. 2022 has truly been an annus horribilis.

[Phantom Spunker]

Lately, I've been finding a lot of joy in revisiting the work of Robert Crumb. I've read his stuff since I was a young child and it never fails to amuse me. I love the way in which he simply laughs off the absurdity of our society and illustrates his mocking contempt for it. The honesty in his art is enlivening and admirable.

[Phantom Spunker]

It really boils my piss when I'm perving on a hot woman on YouTube or an article with her photo and it turns out she's married and/or has kids. Get out of my sight.