The White HouseOffice of the Press Secretary
For Immediate Release
May 25, 2014
My Fellow Americans,
The actions of Elliot Roger two days ago evince the power of virginity and the accompanying sexual repression to warp the human mind, driving otherwise decent people to commit the most heinous of crimes. Sex is not only a basic human need, but also one with important spillover effects. There is plenty of evidence that people with regular access to sex are healthier, happier, kinder and probably more productive.
The problem is that access to sex for young people in America is unequal. People that are ugly, poor, or socially unskilled are less likely to get laid. This, in turn, cements their low status. A virgin at 22 -- like Elliot -- will be sexually inexperienced, further limiting his/her ability to woo partners.
The invisible hand of capitalism isn't giving society the happy ending it so desires. The solution is simple. The government must nationalize the sex industry and provide universal access to sex for all young persons. As an added bonus, government control of the sex industry would mean regular STD checks, regulations to protect the well-being of sex workers, and an end to the bondage pimps hold over hoes (but not an end to all bondage).
I know what you're thinking - won't all of this be expensive? Here is what I propose - every young person gets a voucher to get them one sexual partner a year. How many people would this involve?
There are about 30,672,088 Americans between the ages 18-24. Some of these folks are in relationships, or might have qualms about visiting sex workers, so this is a high estimate.
Lets say our sex workers saw four clients per weekday, with two weeks off per year. Each would service 1,000 people per year. If we paid sex workers $80,000 per year -- thus putting them in the top quintile of earners -- this would still amount to a cost of only $80 per bang. Obviously there would be other costs (std tests, space, bureaucracy), but the core labor costs of a national sex program able to service all men and women between the ages of 18-24 once a year would only be $2.45 billion (and that assumes that every eligible person used the program) -- a mere 0.0144% of GDP.
Let's be the first country to make virginity history. We owe it to our young people and future generations of Americans to uphold the promise of the pussy for a better tomorrow.
It is time for America to renew its global leadership and grab the arc of history with our hands and bend it at our will -- straight into a 19 year old blonde Russian named Natalia's poontang.
Thank you, God Bless you, and God Bless America
