Michael is just relieved to be back on British soil, after having to endure 5 years of total bliss at the hands of Malawi's near naked Ngandiwila Militia. Apparently he bought a one way ticket and set out looking for work as a lobster trawlerman in the landlocked African Nation back in August 2008, armed with only condoms and mascara. Family members haven't been able to contact him since.
"I've had the time of my life" said Michael, 48, from Carlisle, smiling ear to ear "Really they were a fabulous bunch once you got to know them all"
How he managed to sustain permanent lockjaw and sever bowel injuries is not yet clear.