I go back and forth.
something 'traumatic' will happen, like breaking up with a gf (one I'd care about.. not just one of the girls I fuck), and i'll say "fuck it.. i'm getting bigger and better than ever" and i'll hit kamikaze doses and bury myself in work and training. I think the estrogen and androgens really fuck with my head/emotions when it comes to relationships.... so that's what tends to drive me to use the crazy doses I do, never missing a shot, ect.... the relationship stuff gets me to a point where I don't really care about the consequences. I don't care about a heart attack. I don't care about high blood pressure. I don't care about liver values, so long as I don't lose my appetite. I don't care about kidneys. all I care about is getting bigger and freakier and standing out in Walmart or Albertsons.. or people staring at my shoulders at the mall when I wear a tank top.
did the same thing when I got cut from the baseball team in my junior year of high school. i'd already done 1 cycle.. found out I didn't get cut because of performance, I got cut because the coach thought I was using steroids (it'd been a joke that I was 'on steroids' since I was 15yrs old), and was afraid i'd get others to use as well. he was old school, purist bb coach. the pussy. remember walking back to my car thinking "fuck that motherfuc ker.... i'm gonna use 400mg per week PLUS dbol now... and show him what he's missing with i'm laying motherfuckers out on the football field"... and so I did. going through 3 bottles of Schien Test cyp and a bottle of reforvit-b. lol.
at least when I get the "fuck them... i'll show'em" attitude, I use steroids, and not pick up a bottle of booze or snort drugs or pop pills.
I seriously doubt i'll stop for another 8 years. after that, i'll run 4iu/day of gh and 250mg test per week... and probably 200mg deca per week.