Kwon, how come both of your parents 'died in your arms'? Are you some sort of overly affectionate cream-puff with the emotional regulation of a trisomic child, or was there something else going on? I mean, you didn't kill these nikkas, did you? Pooh parr?
It all started with my mother (many years before my father) whom i didnt take care of at all and almost neglected, and that she was so close to death came very unexpected to me.
I didnt even understand what she meant with when she said to me the day before her passing "I saw my mother", which i thought was just a dream, but it was her way of telling me, that it was close and that it was time for her, and ive regretted being so slow in reaction and thought not realizing what she really meant for many years.
The day after i visited her and heard odd noises and saw her cramping and everything went in ultra-rapid.
As i was calling emergency i tried my best to keep her alive with CPR (i was BEST at CPR during my militaryservice but when push came to shove and it happened someone that close to me, i was in too much shock and i failed)
With the phone in my ear and while i was performing CPR i noticed her swolling up and her lips changed color and i understood that i had failed miserably, and as they Paramedics came, it was too late to save her.
Her death took a toll on me and i changed a bit as a person.
Either way, fast forward a bunch of years and a few long relationships, once i got calls from my fathers phone (while i was on Vacation far away from Sthlm with my girlfriend and daughter) with some random person telling me my father had fallen by the subway, i had to abort the vacation and rush my way there.
This happened a few times (him falling while walking with his stroller and some random calling me from his phone) until i finally decided to take care of him for his final years.
I felt i wasnt there for my mother (and had much regret and blaming myself for her death for several years), and decided i would really be there for my father in his twilightyears.
It started with surgery to remove his lower intestines to remove the first cancer and then another surgery the year after, and his heart and liver started to deteriorate, as did his eyesight and hearing and he got diabetes so i had to start giving him insulin beside the myriad of medication.
The first years i used to move him from room to room by sitting him on a chair that i lifted with him on and moved him to another room (he liked to watch TV when he still could see decently)
We went to the emergency many times to give him bloodtransfusions and drain his lungs from fluid. Several times i had to do the Heimlichmaneuver to save him from choking to death. Changed to Proteindrinks made for weak and elderly.
Then he got prostate-cancer etc and i knew it wasnt too long and one day he couldnt manage (his organs couldnt take it anymore) anymore and he died in my arms.
Many years and several relationships between the passing of my mother and my father, so no, i didnīt kill these nikkas Phantom.
Would never hurt them.
I tried being a decent son during the years but i didnt show them much love after i turned 20+ and had other things on my mind. My own life etc
I hope they will forgive me in the end.
