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Getbig Female Info Boards => Open Talk for Girl Discussion => Topic started by: Thin Lizzy on April 09, 2008, 05:47:11 AM
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who had kid(s)?
A few years ago, I dated a woman who had an 8 year old son. To be honest, I didn't like the situation. I always felt as though I was playing second fiddle to the kid. Plus, I felt uncomfortable speaking my mind to him because I didn't want problems with mom.
The bottom line is that I'll probably never do it again.
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Either way I don't think so.
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maybe if guys feel that way they should stop knocking women up then.
>:(
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To be honest Thin, what makes you think you should not be second to her child? That is her blood, her child, her life continued.
If you want/need to be first "fiddle", do not ever involve yourself with a woman who has a child or children and never yourself have children. And I don't mean that as insulting, just honest.
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To be honest Thin, what makes you think you should not be second to her child? That is her blood, her child, her life continued.
If you want/need to be first "fiddle", do not ever involve yourself with a woman who has a child or children and never yourself have children. And I don't mean that as insulting, just honest.
:'(
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I find it interesting, considering this is a woman's board, that you didn't ask, "would you ladies ever date a man with children?"
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:'(
lol, you already know this my dear. ;)
But I still love you!!!!!!!!! :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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To be honest Thin, what makes you think you should not be second to her child? That is her blood, her child, her life continued.
If you want/need to be first "fiddle", do not ever involve yourself with a woman who has a child or children and never yourself have children. And I don't mean that as insulting, just honest.
Could not have said this better for myself. No ONE should ever come before your child.
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I find it interesting, considering this is a woman's board, that you didn't ask, "would you ladies ever date a man with children?"
From what I've seen of divorced/separated couples, the kid(s) stay with the mother, over 90% of the time. So, it's a bigger issue if you're a guy.
Do you disagree?
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From what I've seen of divorced/separated couples, the kid(s) stay with the mother, over 90% of the time. So, it's a bigger issue if you're a guy.
Do you disagree?
Well, I guess the issues are different. :) Many divorced men are very involved with their children, and since women tend to be looked upon (rightly or wrongly) as "caregivers" they're often expected to take more interest than a new man in the care of the child... babysitting, cooking meals, providing a "family" environment, etc. when the child is in the picture.
Also, since women are very protective of their children, they often don't approve of, are suspicious of, or openly hostile to the new "insert whatever unflattering word here." Many a drama has unfolded between the exwife and the new woman over her (the new woman's) exposure to the children.
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To be honest Thin, what makes you think you should not be second to her child? That is her blood, her child, her life continued.
If you want/need to be first "fiddle", do not ever involve yourself with a woman who has a child or children and never yourself have children. And I don't mean that as insulting, just honest.
AGREED thats the way it should be
I wouldnt go out of my way to date a woman with a kid, I know that sounds kinda bad but there are some many different dynamics that you would have to workout. That being said I wouldnt go out of my way not to date a woman with kids if i felt something for her. I think open communication is key and that if you express your thoughts and feelings on issues(child rearing, attention) then you might get the response you want I think most people are willing to compromise if they want to be in a relationship with someone.
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maybe if guys feel that way they should stop knocking women up then.
>:(
LOL ITS ALL OUR FAULT, its a two way street and we couldnt do it without women.
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Either way I don't think so.
I should maybe clarify this by saying that I'm not good w/children.
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I would not date someone with kids.
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I should maybe clarify this by saying that I'm not good w/children.
Stella, I take it you do not have your own children, yet? I think if you had your own you wou have a different outlook on children.
I remember when I was younger I said I would never have children! 4 kids later I love them they humble you with their sayings and your sense of purpose is clarified, well thats my experience!
Yes they can be a pain if not trained properly out of the gate but they are true blessings. Now I can't stand teens lol they think they know everything and don't know anything but they will quickly remind you of what your parents had to deal with when you were a teen.
Infant/Toddler (0-3) are easy
Pre-School (3-5) are busy and need alot of attention
Tweenage (5-13) They are in the rhetoric stage more outspoken
Teens (14-20) they think they know more than you, even though their breath still smells of breast milk (the most challenging time for any parent), but if you do well in the preceding years you won't have much insubordination or rebellion.
IMHO
HMIC
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Infant/Toddler (0-3) are easy
Pre-School (3-5) are busy and need alot of attention
Tweenage (5-13) They are in the rhetoric stage more outspoken
Teens (14-20) they think they know more than you, even though their breath still smells of breast milk (the most challenging time for any parent), but if you do well in the preceding years you won't have much insubordination or rebellion.
OMG you got that right! I finally like my daugher again (she'll be 19 next week) ;)
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Not a good idea to date a woman with kids, especially one who had a kid without being married to the father. If it happened once, it could easily happen again, and then you are on the hook for child support for a child you may not have wanted. In other words, her track record isn't too good, so best to avoid, unless you are interested in an instant family.
Only way I can see doing it, is if you are actually interested in starting a family and don't mind "instant family" upon being married.
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Not a good idea to date a woman with kids, especially one who had a kid without being married to the father. If it happened once, it could easily happen again, and then you are on the hook for child support for a child you may not have wanted. In other words, her track record isn't too good, so best to avoid, unless you are interested in an instant family.
Only way I can see doing it, is if you are actually interested in starting a family and don't mind "instant family" upon being married.
You can't be serious? ::) How old are you? How many weddings have you been to lately? Unfortunately people believe less and less of marriage because no one works for it/in it anymore. People get into arguements and go "see ya later" without working on the problem.
Also, before you cast judgement on an unwed mother, remember an unwed father was equally involved! >:(
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You can't be serious? ::) How old are you? How many weddings have you been to lately? Unfortunately people believe less and less of marriage because no one works for it/in it anymore. People get into arguements and go "see ya later" without working on the problem.
Also, before you cast judgement on an unwed mother, remember an unwed father was equally involved! >:(
I agree with you Laura but I can see his point as well, more regarding the instant family than the other about track record although I can see his point there as well but that depends on the person. b/c it does take two and if even one takes precautions then you should be ok.
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I agree with you Laura but I can see his point as well, more regarding the instant family than the other about track record although I can see his point there as well but that depends on the person. b/c it does take two and if even one takes precautions then you should be ok.
To judge someone as being some kind of "trapper" or whatnot because they have kids is ridiculous (not that there aren't people, both male and female that do that), but to just assume they are like that is wrong.
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To judge someone as being some kind of "trapper" or whatnot because they have kids is ridiculous (not that there aren't people, both male and female that do that), but to just assume they are like that is wrong.
maybe i interpreted his post differently I felt that he was trying to say that a women with a child out of wedlock has allowed it to happen once and might allow it to happen again assuming that the new male allows it to happen as well and then youd be stuck with child support for a child you did not necissarily want. Not that she was trapping the guy into child support by getting pregnant
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maybe i interpreted his post differently I felt that he was trying to say that a women with a child out of wedlock has allowed it to happen once and might allow it to happen again assuming that the new male allows it to happen as well and then youd be stuck with child support for a child you did not necissarily want. Not that she was trapping the guy into child support by getting pregnant
Takes two to tango and if you (the man) really don't want children, you sure are going to make sure you don't get the girl pregnant (wear a condom, double up if you are really careful). If you don't take those precautions then you (the man) are also allowing it.
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I can honestly say, turning 39 this year, I dont want another child (although I loved being pregnant). My little one who is 2 and half is enough for me. Unless I had a child with her dad again, I dont plan on it either way. Yes I have never been married, but if he ever asked or asks, I would say yes
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I felt uncomfortable speaking my mind to him because I didn't want problems with mom.
you are one of many who feel this way , I know women who are real touchy and I find that unfair and unrealistic
If there's kids involved those ground rules of respect and tolerance need to be talked about
It can be volatile and it makes no sense really
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Takes two to tango and if you (the man) really don't want children, you sure are going to make sure you don't get the girl pregnant (wear a condom, double up if you are really careful). If you don't take those precautions then you (the man) are also allowing it.
LOL Thats exactly what i said... 8)
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Also, before you cast judgement on an unwed mother, remember an unwed father was equally involved! >:(
I'd also advise women to avoid dating an "unwed father". If he has had a kid and left the mother, he isn't probably someone you want to hook up with. If he had a kid and has custody of the child, he could be looking for a mom to takeover child-raising.
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I'd also advise women to avoid dating an "unwed father". If he has had a kid and left the mother, he isn't probably someone you want to hook up with. If he had a kid and has custody of the child, he could be looking for a mom to takeover child-raising.
Well considering today's society you have possibly eliminated 90% of people (male & female) over the age of 25.
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Well considering today's society you have possibly eliminated 90% of people (male & female) over the age of 25.
man you hit the nail on the head its sad but true, nowadays you just cant assume that someone doesnt have kids you have to ask ???
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I'd also advise women to avoid dating an "unwed father". If he has had a kid and left the mother, he isn't probably someone you want to hook up with. If he had a kid and has custody of the child, he could be looking for a mom to takeover child-raising.
Dantelis,
While I think your intentions are good, ...the advice is somewhat flawed. I mean... look at the flip side.
One could also say, avoid dating someone who doesn't have kids because they could be looking for a womb.
Especially in this day & age, ...depending on the age bracket you date, people with kids are all over the place.
My best advice is "Avoid dating jerks!". Besides, ...you can learn so much about people by the kids they raise.
When I was younger, I always made a definite attempt to avoid dating men with children.
(You'd be surprised how many of them lie) Back in 91, I asked a guy I had just recently met if he had any kids.
his answer of course was "NO". While technically, he wasn't lying, he didn't have a child at the time, ...he'd just been informed that day that the ex turned up preggars. Fast forward 2 yrs later... we start dating. One day the entire condo is abuzz with the news that so & so was in the health club with a baby, and the baby looked suspiciously alot like him. {lol}
You know me, I don't shy away from taking the bull by the horns and confronting issues dead on.
I took the elevator down to his condo, knocked on his door, and came straight out and asked him... is he yours?
Long story short, ...it was his, and he'd just finished a lengthy court battle to get custody of his son. I fell in love with that adorable little baby. He was one of the sweetest, most affectionate, most trusting, lovable little guys you'll ever meet.
In 1996, while trying to get my sister married off to an eligible bachelor (so I could have a niece or nephew of my own {lol}), I ended meeting a fabulous single father. His story was unique. His daughter was the product of a one night stand. One night of passion changed his life forever. As soon as he was notified he was a father to be... he stepped up to the plate, and did the responsible thing. Adriano sat down with the woman he impregnated, and worked out a plan for the raising of their future offspring. As soon as the baby was born, he immediately took custody of her, so the mother could finish her education, and situate herself stably. Adriano raised that little girl and travelled with her for the first 5 years of her life, until she started school. not sure what the arrangement is these days, haven't been in touch with him in over 10 yrs., but every situation is different. He wasn't looking for a mother for his child, ...she already had one.
I think the biggest danger there is when it comes to dating someone with a child, is the danger of you falling in love with that child and vice versa. If the relationship ends... it can rip out hearts in much the same way that many people (parents & kids) experience after a divorce. I remember the 1st. time that happened to me. I was in a 7 yr. relationship, and my boyfriend's sister-in-law got pregnant. I was there for the whole thing, ...the belly swelling, the baby being born... taking his first few steps, ...all the new baby milestones etc., ...then when the relationship with his uncle came to an end... the realization that I was not going to be there to see little Vince grow up was a very hard pill to swallow. It even factored into the length of my relationship with the uncle, 'cause if Vince hadn't been in the picture, ...I probably would have ended the relationship long before I eventually did. It's hard on the kids too. There was a water tower that's visible on the drive from Vince's home to the city I live in. Whenever his uncle came over to my house with the baby, Vince would see that water tower and knew he was going to see Za Chu (he was too young to properly pronouce Zia (Aunt in Italian) or Judi so he called me zachu or simply Chu). Well, after his uncle and I broke up in 1985 and I moved to California, there were no more visits to see me. His father Domenic owned a business in my city, and whenever Domenic took him to work with him, as soon as they passed that water tower, ...little vince's face would light up like a christmas tree, he'd get all excited and start chanting Chu! chu! chu! ...then he'd end up in tears, pitching an absolute fit when they didn't end up at my house. I was talking with my ex in 1994, and he relayed the nightmare they went through as a result. They had to completely avoid that street, and take the long way around to ensure he never saw that water tower, ...which was pretty difficult to do since it was visible for miles, and was located on the main artery to & from their home.
Life is too short and there is too much variety to limit yourself. Just use common sense and be careful about introducing yourself into a child's life or allowing a child to become attached to you if you're not going to be a permanent fixture in that child's life. Any parent of small children should also be careful of those whom they allow their child/ren to become attached to as well.
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who had kid(s)?
A few years ago, I dated a woman who had an 8 year old son. To be honest, I didn't like the situation. I always felt as though I was playing second fiddle to the kid. Plus, I felt uncomfortable speaking my mind to him because I didn't want problems with mom.
The bottom line is that I'll probably never do it again.
Of course you play second fiddle. That's logical. You can NEVER expect to be more important to her than her own child. If you would be more important than her own child, than there would be something seriously wrong with her character.
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The point of jag's post is a good addition , the adults need to take a lot into consideration when forming a relationship.
But "dating" is a different situation , you shouldn't form such rigid standards because you can't group all unwed parents of either sex together.
Going out for a date is still supposed to be fun and who knows what can come of it ?
Sad is that you can bypass a lot of good people in life by judging them for "social" blemishes .
It's always better to see people as individuals and their circumstances could be totally different than you'd imagine.
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I have actually thought about this recently---my wife and I are getting new life insurance, and as a result we started playing the "what if I wasn't here" game.
I doubt it seriously if I'd go anywhere near a woman with children. To me thats one of the biggest turnoffs there is. It'd take someone really really special to get me to consider even dating a woman with a kid--even one who was in their teens.
My dad died when I was 5, my mother remarried. I am a step child. Thas all I have to say about it.
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I have actually thought about this recently---my wife and I are getting new life insurance, and as a result we started playing the "what if I wasn't here" game.
I doubt it seriously if I'd go anywhere near a woman with children. To me thats one of the biggest turnoffs there is. It'd take someone really really special to get me to consider even dating a woman with a kid--even one who was in their teens.
My dad died when I was 5, my mother remarried. I am a step child. Thas all I have to say about it.
Ya can't go basing/judging all people like your step dad (if you had a bad experience with him). And besides...unless you find someone under say 25...the likelyhood of no children becomes less and less as you go up the age scale.
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Not all step parents are bad. I had an awful experience growing up with a step father. However I have a step daughter and I LOVE HER as if she was my own. I whooped that butt like she's mine and I spoil her rotten like she's mine. It really just depends on the situation!
Speaking of her, this is her, one of the three loves of my life...
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Not all step parents are bad. I had an awful experience growing up with a step father. However I have a step daughter and I LOVE HER as if she was my own. I whooped that butt like she's mine and I spoil her rotten like she's mine. It really just depends on the situation!
Speaking of her, this is her, one of the three loves of my life...
She's beautiful. Looks a lot like Lisa Bonet. :)
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No ONE should ever come before your child.
well said....
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Well considering today's society you have possibly eliminated 90% of people (male & female) over the age of 25.
Statistics? I know that the figure is probably quite high, but 90%? Come on.
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Statistics? I know that the figure is probably quite high, but 90%? Come on.
Well if you count the number of men who have children, ...and don't even know it, I'd say she's close to accurate.
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Statistics? I know that the figure is probably quite high, but 90%? Come on.
ya that sounds way high to me, this basically means that 9 out of 10 people over 25 have a kid which is far to high, but i think she was doing it to make a point that you eliminate a good portion of society.
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ya that sounds way high to me, this basically means that 9 out of 10 people over 25 have a kid which is far to high, but i think she was doing it to make a point that you eliminate a good portion of society.
Yup. And those who don't have one...are very very smart :D, were very very lucky ;D, or will be considered the one's you wouldn't want breeding :-X, lol. :)
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Yup. And those who don't have one...are very very smart :D, were very very lucky ;D, or will be considered the one's you wouldn't want breeding :-X, lol. :)
good point !! :D
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ya that sounds way high to me, this basically means that 9 out of 10 people over 25 have a kid which is far to high, but i think she was doing it to make a point that you eliminate a good portion of society.
I think this stat depends on geography and socioeconomics. Career women who live in wealthier areas tend to postpone having a family, or, even not have one at all. However, in towns where there's not too much upward mobility, by the time people are 25, everyone has f$%ked everyone in their group and the women end up preggers.
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I think this stat depends on geography and socioeconomics. Career women who live in wealthier areas tend to postpone having a family, or, even not have one at all. However, in towns where there's not too much upward mobility, by the time people are 25, everyone has f$%ked everyone in their group and the women end up preggers.
very true but in general i think the age is very low for that high of a percentage. I would say 35 probably around 90% or people have a kid but at 25 i would doubt.
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Yup. And those who don't have one...are very very smart :D, were very very lucky ;D, or will be considered the one's you wouldn't want breeding :-X, lol. :)
LOL i hope im in the smart group cause im not in the lucky group and I dont wanna be in the third one :-[
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LOL i hope im in the smart group cause im not in the lucky group and I dont wanna be in the third one :-[
Well, if you you're smart...you have nothing to worry about....right? ;)
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According to http://www.pobronson.com/factbook/pages/104.html (http://www.pobronson.com/factbook/pages/104.html), there are 12.9 million female-maintained family households in the U.S. with no husband present: that’s 12.2 percent of all households. http://usgovinfo.about.com/library/weekly/aa031601a.htm (http://usgovinfo.about.com/library/weekly/aa031601a.htm) claims that there were an estimated 106.7 million women age 18 and over living in the United States as of Nov. 1, 2000. That leaves a total of over 94 million datable women above the age of consent without children in their homes. You mean to tell me that a guy can't easily find a woman without children to date? Give me a break.
By the way, the number of women aged 40-44 without children has almost doubled since 1976. (See http://www.census.gov/population/pop-profile/2000/chap04.pdf (http://www.census.gov/population/pop-profile/2000/chap04.pdf))
I am not saying that men or women should never date a person with a kid at home. I am just advising against it, unless they are interested in a family. There are plenty of men & women without kids at home, even at age 35 and above. Date one of them.
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To be honest Thin, what makes you think you should not be second to her child? That is her blood, her child, her life continued.
If you want/need to be first "fiddle", do not ever involve yourself with a woman who has a child or children and never yourself have children. And I don't mean that as insulting, just honest.
So who is quantifiably/qualifiably more valuable to you, your husband or your child?
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I should maybe clarify this by saying that I'm not good w/children.
Same here. I bloody can't stand them. That said; I believe my judgement is clouded by working with them on a daily basis.
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Dantelis,
While I think your intentions are good, ...the advice is somewhat flawed. I mean... look at the flip side.
One could also say, avoid dating someone who doesn't have kids because they could be looking for a womb.
Especially in this day & age, ...depending on the age bracket you date, people with kids are all over the place.
My best advice is "Avoid dating jerks!". Besides, ...you can learn so much about people by the kids they raise.
When I was younger, I always made a definite attempt to avoid dating men with children.
(You'd be surprised how many of them lie) Back in 91, I asked a guy I had just recently met if he had any kids.
his answer of course was "NO". While technically, he wasn't lying, he didn't have a child at the time, ...he'd just been informed that day that the ex turned up preggars. Fast forward 2 yrs later... we start dating. One day the entire condo is abuzz with the news that so & so was in the health club with a baby, and the baby looked suspiciously alot like him. {lol}
You know me, I don't shy away from taking the bull by the horns and confronting issues dead on.
I took the elevator down to his condo, knocked on his door, and came straight out and asked him... is he yours?
Long story short, ...it was his, and he'd just finished a lengthy court battle to get custody of his son. I fell in love with that adorable little baby. He was one of the sweetest, most affectionate, most trusting, lovable little guys you'll ever meet.
In 1996, while trying to get my sister married off to an eligible bachelor (so I could have a niece or nephew of my own {lol}), I ended meeting a fabulous single father. His story was unique. His daughter was the product of a one night stand. One night of passion changed his life forever. As soon as he was notified he was a father to be... he stepped up to the plate, and did the responsible thing. Adriano sat down with the woman he impregnated, and worked out a plan for the raising of their future offspring. As soon as the baby was born, he immediately took custody of her, so the mother could finish her education, and situate herself stably. Adriano raised that little girl and travelled with her for the first 5 years of her life, until she started school. not sure what the arrangement is these days, haven't been in touch with him in over 10 yrs., but every situation is different. He wasn't looking for a mother for his child, ...she already had one.
I think the biggest danger there is when it comes to dating someone with a child, is the danger of you falling in love with that child and vice versa. If the relationship ends... it can rip out hearts in much the same way that many people (parents & kids) experience after a divorce. I remember the 1st. time that happened to me. I was in a 7 yr. relationship, and my boyfriend's sister-in-law got pregnant. I was there for the whole thing, ...the belly swelling, the baby being born... taking his first few steps, ...all the new baby milestones etc., ...then when the relationship with his uncle came to an end... the realization that I was not going to be there to see little Vince grow up was a very hard pill to swallow. It even factored into the length of my relationship with the uncle, 'cause if Vince hadn't been in the picture, ...I probably would have ended the relationship long before I eventually did. It's hard on the kids too. There was a water tower that's visible on the drive from Vince's home to the city I live in. Whenever his uncle came over to my house with the baby, Vince would see that water tower and knew he was going to see Za Chu (he was too young to properly pronouce Zia (Aunt in Italian) or Judi so he called me zachu or simply Chu). Well, after his uncle and I broke up in 1985 and I moved to California, there were no more visits to see me. His father Domenic owned a business in my city, and whenever Domenic took him to work with him, as soon as they passed that water tower, ...little vince's face would light up like a christmas tree, he'd get all excited and start chanting Chu! chu! chu! ...then he'd end up in tears, pitching an absolute fit when they didn't end up at my house. I was talking with my ex in 1994, and he relayed the nightmare they went through as a result. They had to completely avoid that street, and take the long way around to ensure he never saw that water tower, ...which was pretty difficult to do since it was visible for miles, and was located on the main artery to & from their home.
Life is too short and there is too much variety to limit yourself. Just use common sense and be careful about introducing yourself into a child's life or allowing a child to become attached to you if you're not going to be a permanent fixture in that child's life. Any parent of small children should also be careful of those whom they allow their child/ren to become attached to as well.
Does being wealthy afford you all this time to type super long posts? Or is it just me?
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Same here. I bloody can't stand them. That said; I believe my judgement is clouded by working with them on a daily basis.
LOL
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So who is quantifiably/qualifiably more valuable to you, your husband or your child?
I'm not married. But I have always made it known that my children (as children) will always come first. As adults, if my children had a problem with something I was doing or someone I was seeing...there may be an issue as they are adults and should have a better sense of things and letting me live my own life. But as "children" ... they are my life. :)
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I'm male and have dated a woman with a kid (that she had when she was married). It wasn't bad and I would have done it again, but I'm married now with my own kids. She had drug and sex issues (couldn't stay faithful and wanted me to play around too, which I eventually did) but was very smart, and the fact of having a kid didn't get in the way of my having an interesting and sexy relationship with her.
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Does being wealthy afford you all this time to type super long posts? Or is it just me?
I am living a life of Wealth & Abundance, and it affords me many things including ...yes time
My wealth & abundance however is not defined by the money I make, the car that I drive, or the house I live in
It is defined by the gratitude I have in my heart and the ability to make a difference in the lives of others