Question for the GetBig Women

[Tinsley]

G'Day!

Although I'm not an 'approved' poster, I have a question that I really want to ask, more of a case study really.

I was dating a woman for the past nine months who I actually really liked.  She was 15 years older than I was with two daughters from a previous marriage.  We worked together in one of the departments at the Regional Hospital in this area, and while I was still a student on that floor we saw each other one night (short version) and we ended up starting to see each other.

Now, previously in relationships I had been a complete dick; the kind of guy that just has sex then leaves.  Now, for her I actually really liked her right off the bat, and tried to be a decent guy, and do everything right, flowers for no reason, dinner, even a trip down to Minniapolis (about 6+ hours from where we are) on my birthday so SHE could go to IKEA.  Her kids were great too, they loved me and I loved them right back.  And not to be rude or obnoxious but the sex life was very, very, very good for both of us.

Now about a month and a half ago I had said that I was looking for more with her than just dating or boyfriend/girlfriend.  Now I may just be starting my career, but I'm at the top of the 'middle-class' payscale in a white collar occupation, building my dream home in the spring, and completely head over heels for this woman so I figure it's time to figure shit out.  She says she wants to be with me too, but just needs to take it slow untill her divorce is legal (although she and him have been separated for over 4 years he's never been willing to sign the papers untill this past few months). 

So I go and see her this past Saturday and she's curled up on the couch, so I go to give her a hug and she pulls away and hits me with a "I've been doing a lot of thinking..."  So you can guess how that went.

So my question is: What the hell?  If you as a woman had a decent guy with a good career who loved your kids like his own, who was willing to commit, what are the reasons that you would want to get out of it.  The reasons that I can see are:

1.  Somebody cheated.
2.  She's carrying around too much baggage from the failed marriage to actually look at getting serious again.
....

Any thoughts?

[YoMamaBeenLurking]

How old are you if you don't mind the question?

[Tinsley]

24, she was 37, so 13 years difference.

[muscleforlife]

From the info you gave, I would think she has a lot of baggage.

It is a telling sign not being able to get a divorce for four years( I don't know how divorce law works in your country)

Does she still have feelings for her husband? 

Could be the age thing, She is looking at 40, you are not even 30.  Maybe she has a fear of how your feelings will be 10 years from now when she will be hitting 50, let's face it a you will be in your 30's....you will just be hitting your stride.

Anyway, this is just my opinion based on what you wrote.

Sandra

[Butterbean]

2.  She's carrying around too much baggage from the failed marriage to actually look at getting serious again.
....

Any thoughts?

I'm going w/#2 on this one.  She's been separated for 4 years but the actual END of the marriage was never approaching until her husband recently signed the papers. 

Maybe she has held out hope (consciously or subconsciously) all this time thinking that reconciliation was possible? 

Even if that's not the case, the actual demise of a marriage can be a devastating thing to a party involved, even though they may have "wanted" it for years.

IMO, she needs time.  Time to get through the actual divorce, time to heal, and time to feel she is a whole person by herself.  I wouldn't jump right into marriage w/her...but that's just me and I have limited information on this.  Sometimes people make choices that seem good at the time but later realize they should have waited to make the choices until their mind was more clear and their heart is less tender.

You should also read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman as he talks about the "in love/infatuation" stage as lasting on average 2 years in a relationship.  That puts you smack dab in the middle of that time.  After that stage wears off, you have to be willing to work at the relationship and work HARD.


Meanwhile Tinsley, becoming an approved poster is easy:

Please go to the "IF you would like to be able to post on this board" sticky thread and read the first post.  Then let us know if you agree to abide by the rules.  If you do, you'll be added to the "approved" list    If you don't, we'll be forced to delete all your threads and posts and we don't want to do that

Thanks!

[24KT]

Without knowing any of the parties involved, ...and based on what you have written, ...I would say you're moving way too fast for her. I don't think she's looking to tie the knot again. She wants to enjoy your company, but is not looking to take the leap again. Her not finalizing the divorce is a big indicator.  I had a girlfriend who did that as well. She was legally separated, ...but never divorced. Separated in 1989, ...and STILL not divorced. That has remained her excuse to NOT commit to numerous guys over the years. With one boyfriend, she even moved into his house, and helped him raise his twin teenage daughters, ...but everytime he brought up marraige, ...that lack of a divorce decree stopped that conversation right in it's tracks. It took him 4 years before he figured out she was NEVER going to get a divorce. Her status as uncommittable was exactly how she wanted it.

There is also the age difference you should be careful about. The older you get, the 15 yr difference gets smaller & smaller, ...but there is a HUGE difference between where she is mentally and in terms of life experiences, ...and where you are.

Go slow, ...you're at serious risk for getting a broken heart... which will have all been worth it, once you're able to come up for air.    I hope things work out for you tho.

[Chamorrita]

She may be thinking about her kids instead of herself. 

[newmom]

i agree with charmotta...just take it each day...i hope it all works out for u..love can be amazing but when its not working out or ends its just horrific...especially if u have children together..

i think she wants to make sure everything will work she is probably scared

[Al-Gebra]

No offense to the women here, but I don't think you should be looking for female feedback.  Ask your dad/older brother/mentor for advice.  they may not help you figure out this woman . . . but they'll have your best interests at heart.

just from what you said . . . I say get the fuck out of dodge.

[AVBG]

Without knowing any of the parties involved, ...and based on what you have written..

I believe, with the age difference and perceptions of maturity, your lady is afraid of you leaving for a younger woman when you "get tired" of her and that should you leave the kids would have to deal with the breakup like a pseudo divorce.

The only thing I suggest you do is prove her wrong.. hang around and be there for her... If you are serious about her, take your time. 

[Al-Gebra]

Without knowing any of the parties involved, ...and based on what you have written..

I believe, with the age difference and perceptions of maturity, your lady is afraid of you leaving for a younger woman when you "get tired" of her and that should you leave the kids would have to deal with the breakup like a pseudo divorce.

The only thing I suggest you do is prove her wrong.. hang around and be there for her... If you are serious about her, take your time. 

how did you read this part?  "We worked together in one of the departments at the Regional Hospital in this area, and while I was still a student on that floor we saw each other one night (short version) and we ended up starting to see each other."

I thought he was talking about a random hook-up.

seems to me she was just looking for something fleeting . . . if I'm getting his drift.

[AVBG]

how did you read this part?  "We worked together in one of the departments at the Regional Hospital in this area, and while I was still a student on that floor we saw each other one night (short version) and we ended up starting to see each other."

I thought he was talking about a random hook-up.

seems to me she was just looking for something fleeting . . . if I'm getting his drift.

Yeah, your probably right and it may have started that way...Really we weren't told enough information to know if they hit the sack straight away or if they developed a friendship then proceeded from there.

[Playboy]

G'Day!

Although I'm not an 'approved' poster, I have a question that I really want to ask, more of a case study really.

I was dating a woman for the past nine months who I actually really liked.  She was 15 years older than I was with two daughters from a previous marriage.  We worked together in one of the departments at the Regional Hospital in this area, and while I was still a student on that floor we saw each other one night (short version) and we ended up starting to see each other.

Now, previously in relationships I had been a complete dick; the kind of guy that just has sex then leaves.  Now, for her I actually really liked her right off the bat, and tried to be a decent guy, and do everything right, flowers for no reason, dinner, even a trip down to Minniapolis (about 6+ hours from where we are) on my birthday so SHE could go to IKEA.  Her kids were great too, they loved me and I loved them right back.  And not to be rude or obnoxious but the sex life was very, very, very good for both of us.

Now about a month and a half ago I had said that I was looking for more with her than just dating or boyfriend/girlfriend.  Now I may just be starting my career, but I'm at the top of the 'middle-class' payscale in a white collar occupation, building my dream home in the spring, and completely head over heels for this woman so I figure it's time to figure shit out.  She says she wants to be with me too, but just needs to take it slow untill her divorce is legal (although she and him have been separated for over 4 years he's never been willing to sign the papers untill this past few months). 

So I go and see her this past Saturday and she's curled up on the couch, so I go to give her a hug and she pulls away and hits me with a "I've been doing a lot of thinking..."  So you can guess how that went.

So my question is: What the hell?  If you as a woman had a decent guy with a good career who loved your kids like his own, who was willing to commit, what are the reasons that you would want to get out of it.  The reasons that I can see are:

1.  Somebody cheated.
2.  She's carrying around too much baggage from the failed marriage to actually look at getting serious again.
....

Any thoughts?

Why not find someone closer to your age and start fresh? She will have a lot of baggage and emotional stress. Move on:)

PB

[Tinsley]

Without knowing any of the parties involved, ...and based on what you have written..

I believe, with the age difference and perceptions of maturity, your lady is afraid of you leaving for a younger woman when you "get tired" of her and that should you leave the kids would have to deal with the breakup like a pseudo divorce.

The only thing I suggest you do is prove her wrong.. hang around and be there for her... If you are serious about her, take your time. 

See that's what I had done, for the past 8 months.  She had believed from the start I was just going to leave her for another younger woman.  It wasn't untill I started doing things like stay over at her house watching the girls when they had the flu so she could sleep and go to work, or babysit so she could go out for her birthday, that she realized I might be a 'for real' decent guy.

And as for thinking about her kids; when the dad was a drunk, pill-popping loser, and the new guy is nice, decent and actually cares, I would have though that thinking of them would have meant that she might be more interested.  I love the girls just as much as I did their mom, and I will miss them just as much.

And again, for the other questions, we hit the sack right away, repeatedly (actually we broke the frame of her bed), and I think now she was just looking for a fling and she just tried to carry it on.  And as for getting advice from my male relatives, it pretty much consisted of 'Get rid of the old boot' since we started seeing each other.

Obviously I don't have  a choice but to move on, I was just getting feedback on why a woman would do that.  Plus, bitching about a woman to a bunch of strangers has a little less chance of biting me in the ass then bitching to my friends, as we all generally work in the same field.

G

[24KT]

Tinsley, I don't think it is so much the age as it is the experience thing, ...although the experiential difference has alot to do with the age difference (...if that makes any sense). It reminds me of when I broke up with my first boyfiend. I was 21, and the 7 year relationship was over. I started dating guys my own age, ...unfortunately, they all wanted to get into serious relationships. I had just gotten out of a 7 yr relationship. I wanted to have fun, not settle in for the long haul, whereas they were getting to that point where they were wanting to settle down. Made me want to run for the hills.

My best advice to you is: rather than 2^nd guessing her motives, or seeking advice from strangers, is simply to talk with her. Get it all out on the table, and deal with all the feelings, fears, desires, expectations, etc.,

Hope things work out for you. 

[Deedee]

And again, for the other questions, we hit the sack right away, repeatedly (actually we broke the frame of her bed), and I think now she was just looking for a fling and she just tried to carry it on.  And as for getting advice from my male relatives, it pretty much consisted of 'Get rid of the old boot' since we started seeing each other.

This is very likely what happened.  Because of the huge age difference, she probably wouldn't take you seriously as a possible mate. 

It's probably for the best.

[newmom]

tinsley..im sorry this happend u seem like a great guy..im not gonna tell u everything happens for a reason, cuz i am newly single after almost 4 years and a child and that line everything happens for a reason (for this moment) irrates the shit out of me)..

just try and smile is all i can tell u..it hurts, it sucks

[youandme]

Snap out of it man!!

This was lust not love...

 

[24KT]

C'mon youandme, wouldn't you agree that without actually knowing either one, that your comment is a bit demeaning? Who are you to say that what he is feeling isn't love? In most adult relationships, love often starts out as lust, ...sometimes it never makes that transition, but far beit for any of us to tell Tinsley what he did or didn't feel. Only he knows that. I'm so reminded of Donny Osmond's 'Puppy Love' right now. 

[youandme]

Cause maybe he needs to hear it to make a better choice,

"Sometimes people make choices that seem good at the time but later realize they should have waited to make the choices until their mind was more clear and their heart is less tender." ~Tinsley

He brings more to the table, and she's not even at the table he pointed that out, if the ink never settled than it never will sounds like he knows that but does not want it to be true.

[Tinsley]

Cause maybe he needs to hear it to make a better choice,

"Sometimes people make choices that seem good at the time but later realize they should have waited to make the choices until their mind was more clear and their heart is less tender." ~Tinsley

He brings more to the table, and she's not even at the table he pointed that out, if the ink never settled than it never will sounds like he knows that but does not want it to be true.

Probably true

See, I have the small problem in getting emotionally involved lately where that wasn't really my concern before.

Dammit, this mature stuff is bullshit!

G

[youandme]

Probably true

See, I have the small problem in getting emotionally involved lately where that wasn't really my concern before.

Dammit, this mature stuff is bullshit!

G

Been there, it's all part of the chase well for me, tricking myself and making myself believe "this is what you want"

Most of the more mature women will bring the subject of taking it to the next level...

Like I say in this situation "It is what it is" 

But somewhere in the back of your head you know what you want before you get it, just like your "dreamhome" it was your dreamhome and now your getting it, "love" takes time.

[24KT]

Cause maybe he needs to hear it to make a better choice,

"Sometimes people make choices that seem good at the time but later realize they should have waited to make the choices until their mind was more clear and their heart is less tender." ~Tinsley

He brings more to the table, and she's not even at the table he pointed that out, if the ink never settled than it never will sounds like he knows that but does not want it to be true.

hmmmm... you are a wise one.