Some kid named Johnny said there's no such thing as Santa.
What an idiot. He's a fucking conspiracy nut. Of course there's a santa. Who do you think puts all those presents there? If it was an "inside job" and your own parents did it, you would know. They couldn't hide something as obvious as 20 presents. And what about the cookies and milk? Who drank that? And if Santa was fake, why is he all over TV? It's not like television would propagate some lie. I see him in magazines, books, etc. He's everywhere!
Yeah, that little Johnny with the Santa Claus conspiracy is a real wackjob. What a tool. He's anti-Christmas, that's what he is! Of course there's a santa.
Well, it turns out Johnny told 5 kids in class today about his theory. They went home and found closets full of presents. Now THEY are crazy too. They say there's no santa, and they're telling all their friends. Those kids are idiots!! They're stupid. I don't know what's in their closets, and I don't wanna know. There is a Santa.
Today, some middle schoolers tried to show us some science numbers that if santa was real, the speed of delivering presents to every home in the world is absolutely impossible. What the hell is wrong with them? He is very smart and works fast! No, they say, mathematically, that many homes in 24 hours would physically disintegrate Santa. Bullshit! Santa has a way, I just don't understand it. But he's real, you uneducated fools! He's very real.
You anti-Christmas idiots are destroying the holiday! This one idiot kid... not only does he say there's not santa, but he's also doubting the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy! This kid is insane! He says he's researched it, and there are millions of more educated middle schoolers, high schoolers, and even adults who know the truth. Bullshit! Those baskets don't come from thin air! And I KNOW that no one came into my room and switched my tooth for a dollar. I stayed up very late, and my parents said they didn't hear anyone at all.
So stop it. Stop the conspiracy nonsense. Santa is real. I've known it for the last 5 years, so I know it's true. You guys are ruining Christmas with your lies. Thank you.
