Notice the intricate gang signs they're throwing up as they polish off their Shirley Temples and get ready for a night of uncensored Stratego tournaments, followed by a heated game of "I Never".
If you don't know these guys, please allow me to introduce you to them:
The guy on the far left in the pink Britney Spears shirt is Arhad. He's Lebanese and even though his "buddies" are always calling him a "sandnigger" and "towelhead", he's actually a Christian who voted for George Bush in 2004 because he thinks voting Republican gives you a better shot at making "serious bank". Jobless since the stock market crash of 2001, Arhad moved out of his Fort Lee bachelor pad to more modest digs in Hoboken, where he currently shares a 2BR apartment with 3 other "semi-retired" former "stockbrokers"-turned-"neighborhood coke dealers". The gang sign he is throwing on the bar there is the "Five Point Down Crowns" symbol, meaning he works at the Burger King five towns away, knows he is a loser, and drinks Crown Royal in his Spring Break Panama City Beach 1994 commemorative shot glass.
The Lance Bass look-alike to his right is actually Chris, a guy who still has his high school football shirt framed on his wall from when he threw the game-winning touchdown to beat Don Bosco Prep in the sectionals. Chris felt left out when most of the other dudes from his "pussy posse" went away to college, but he figured that staying local would give him the opportunity to continue plowing Bergen Catholic High School cheerleaders without having to improve his "game". He still lives with his parents but with the new separate entrance his "home improvement contractor" dad built for the basement, he and his buddies can now perform the "butt rodeo" without waking his twice-facelifted mom. The gang sign he is tossing up show he is a member of "Da Crew" of which all of his pals who signed his yearbook paid homage to, as in, "Chris, Remeber getting wasted at the Loft! Diceman at Illusions! Poontang! Da Crew Rulz Now N 4ever! - D-Nice".
The third charmer is the aforementioned Anthony, or as he prefers to be called, "Big T". Big T works part time at his dad's Paramus car dealership and loves to steal the keys to the new H2 trade-ins so he can roll up on the Route 4 Fuddruckers in style. Big T is the real ladies man of the bunch, thanks primarily to his infatigueable references to "chillin' with P-Diddy" and "sippin' Cristal with my man Busta". Although no one has ever actually seen him in the presence of a black man, Big T has mastered much of the late 80's and early 90's Afro-American cultural lexicon, often throwing out such lines as "Yo Son", "Word", "Ya feel me?", "Sup dawg", "Shizzle" and his latest favorite, "Bling" with complete abandon and authenticity. With his pinkie wedged between his "trigger" finger and his "Ice thumb", Big T is indicating his exclusive membership in the vaunted "Little Teapots", of which its most dangerous member is currently in "time out" for exceeding the minutes on his 900 cell plan. Word!
The prematurely balding guy with the facial hair is Steve. They used to call him "Big Steve" at 13 was the only kid who had to shave before his Bar Mitzvah, had a "rat tail" and could bench press 155 lbs. But things never quite worked out for this by-product of a divorce lawyer and a psychotherapist. He never grew past 5'7 and started losing his hair in the tenth grade. He tried to make up for his inadequacies by drinking everyone "under the table" at parties and "date raping" chicks who tried to keep up with him, but in the end, all he got was one frat-rushing semester at Penn State before failing out with straight Ds and deciding that "college is for losers". When not rounding up "investors" to open up a "sick new nightclub" in Belmar, Steve can usually be found bartending at the Meadowlands Hilton off 80, where his buddies get "buybacks" every round and Steve usually has no problem convincing a 50-year old woman travelling on business that he really is 27 right before he explains that the bumps on his penis are not genital warts, but actually "studded for her pleasure". Though commonly mistaken for the "Peace" symbol, Steve is actually throwing up the "Vagina" sign, a telltale indicator of his relentless emphasis on heterosexuality as both a way of life and as a spiritual endeavor.
Special "Jersey Boyz" Ed
