As many of you know, Special Ed is now a regular guest on MD Radio. In preparation for TA's appearance on 'NO BULL' last night, I performed substantial research in writing a brief and easy-to-read biography of the Legend who is True Adonis. Unfortunately, due to technical issues (or perhaps TA's all-encompassing power of the force) and a second-grade insultathon that ran too long, my segment was "bumped" from the show.
Although my Top Ten List will now air next week on the show, here is the piece that was vetoed by MD Radio, but posted here to be enjoyed by all:
THE LEGEND OF TRUE ADONIS
After years of abuse at the hands of junior high school bullies, a
nineteen year old Adam found his calling when Clay Aiken proved that a
homosexual with blonde hair and a face made for radio could be a star.
Adam packed his bags and headed to a place where he could finally be
free from his parent’s oppressive demands...yes, his basement. Once
firmly entrenched there, his deviance spouted new and exciting hobbies
such as attempting to mine for gay porn on his Commodore 64,
creating several amazing AOL aliases to fool his younger brother into
believing he was Justin Timberlake, and pulling up to his old
synagogue in his dad’s ice cream truck to sell Adolph Hitler action
figures.
After deciding that college just “wasn’t for him”, he decided to
follow in the footsteps of fellow dropouts like Bill Gates and Mark
Cuban and start his own computer business. With his battle-tested
hi-tech skills of being able to blow the dust off Super Nintendo
cartridges, TA decided that by posting self-congratulatory comments
about himself under a “squad” of aliases on message boards, he
would create a “larger than life” persona of an incredible personal
trainer to the stars. Despite not having any gyms in his small town of Zero,
North Carolina, TA decided to build his physique to astonishing
proportions. Though genetically cursed, after just 18 months of lifting
his parents’ old samsonite luggage filled with rocks, his arms grew
to an astounding 13 inches. After years of saving up to buy the latest
technology, in 2002, TA finally was able to purchase a Polaroid camera
and take the first known photos of a physique that would later shock
the world.
With each passing year, 3-4 additional people took notice of TA’s
presence on the message boards, including his mother who couldn’t
make phone calls over the high pitched screech of the AOL-dialup
connection and his younger brother TB who realized after five years
that if he continued idolizing his older brother, he too would be
doomed to a life of unintentional celibacy, unless of course you
counted those freebies from their second cousin Jezebelle.
Finally the world turned on its head in 2006, when TA finally abandoned
his strategy of posting senseless nutrition and workout advice and
decided to drink his “Hatorade” and start fighting back against his
detractors. His first victim was a guy on the message boards with a
questionable sexual preference, a drug problem, and a bad hairpiece –
but enough about TA’s father, TA had moved on to bigger and better
things.
With the rise of the the UFC and his own martial arts experience of
having memorized every line from Karate Kid III, TA embarked on the
road to the title, challenging Long Island’s #1 Badass Phil Baroni to
a no-holds barred fight. When Baroni decided that breaking his fist on
TA's formidable nose wasn’t worth the trouble, #2 Badass Derek
Anthony stepped up to the plate. When MD decided to raise the stakes
by flying TA in to New York and having the two fight for the title of
Biggest Internet Blowhard, TA rose to the call and appeared on MD Radio
to talk the talk. Fortunately for Adam, when it came time to walk the
walk, he was grateful to have four living grandparents, each of whom
could conveniently pass away just before his “big fight”. Without
so much as a “Goodbye”, TA vanished from the boards forever, or at least
until the following Monday when a new “Squad” member named
Incredi-Boy began posting incessant and meaningless messages about the glory of the
legendary TA. And so goes the tale of TA, the dork, the legend...gone but not forgotten.
END
Be sure to tune in to next week's MD show where I present my TOP TEN CHRISTMAS GIFTS TO THE PROS.
Special "TA's Other Gimmick Account" Ed
