The Night Before Christmas 2006
(With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)
T’was the night before Christmas, and all through Iraq,
The soldiers were huddled, and under attack.
Back in the capital, the White House was quiet;
Kind of makes you wonder, why there wasn’t a riot.
But the story was the same, all round the nation;
The natives were spellbound, flipping the stations.
The remote was gripped, in their chubby hands with care,
In hopes that reality shows soon would be on air.
They laid back in the recliner, zoned into the box;
For Springer, “Fear Factor,” and anything on FOX.
They had no time for reflection or critical thought;
Of the despair and destruction their warmonger had wrought.
The trial of Saddam was wrapped up in Old Glory;
So no one would notice the holes in Bush’s story.
Danger alerts were upgraded to ominous heights,
So the herd would willingly give up their rights.
When out on the lawn, arose such a racket;
I jumped from my bed, and grabbed for my jacket.
I ran down the staircase, to the ground floor;
Just in time to see Santa, breaking in my door.
“Hey Pal,” I called out, “Didn’t you read the book?
You’re supposed to come down the chimney, in ashes and soot.
“Well”, he explained as he pointed to his belly;
“That was before I expanded to a wheelbarrow full of jelly.
“Cinnabon, Krispy Kreme, and what about stuffed crust?
I’ve been trying to diet, but it’s been a great bust.
I read Aktins, Protein Power, and also The Zone;
McDougal, and Pritiken, and yet I’ve still grown.
“That’s why I’ve got this piped clamped in my teeth;
And the smoke curling round me like a new Christmas wreath.
That last time I quit smoking; I gained so much weight;
My arteries were blocked, and my cholesterol tempted fate.
“You think this job is easy, working only once a year?
What do you think will happen, if they find out I’m queer?
Falwell, and Haggard would pull the knife from the sheath;
And doom me to Hell, with great gnashing of teeth.”
“But wait a minute, “ I sputtered, “You can’t be Gay;
You have to be straight—it’s the American way.”
“Oh come on,” he replied, “who else but fruits...
Wear red velvet, fur collars, and black leather boots?
“You must be clueless, or living on Saturn…
Look at my reindeer, did you not notice a pattern?
If you think Dasher and Prancer, are names for a boy;
You should be drinking eggnog with Sigfried and Roy!”
Shocked and dismayed, my head it was aching;
Feeling quite weak, my legs they were quaking.
“Aren’t you done here? Can’t you move on next door?
I’ve got my fill, I can’t stand any more”
“Well no,” he replied, “I hate to sound comic;
Next door gets nothing, because they’re Islamic.
I’ve made out my list, and I’ve checked it twice,
You aint a Christian—you’re lower than lice.
“Peace to all mankind, and goodwill to you,
Unless you’re a Hindu, Buddhist, or Jew.
We spread the gospel, and we tell it well;
Side with us now, or you’ll end up in Hell.”
“But wait,” I cried out, “that just isn’t right...”
He kept on walking, away from my sight.
He whistled for reindeer, and they pulled up out front;
He climbed into the sleigh, with a guttural grunt.
He reached on the dash, where some CDs were strewn
Inserted a disc, with a Broadway show tune.
Santa looked back at me, and said with a yell;
“Convert ‘fore it’s too late, or burn up in Hell.”
I bolted upright, and woke up in a sweat;
Was it just a nightmare that hadn’t happened yet?
The ghost of Christmas future, or just my imagination…
The destiny of mankind, or a wicked aberration?
Whatever happened to ole Silent Night?
And loving one another, doing what’s right?
All races all beliefs, in this world we belong,
Isn’t it possible that we all get along?
I wish you a holiday season of joy and love, and a happy, prosperous and healthy 2007. Please pray for peace. Legal Notice:
This holiday greeting and wishes for a Happy New Year is extended from me ("Wishor”
), to you (“Recipient”
), subject to the following terms and conditions:
- This greeting is extended without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, gender neutral, celebration of the secular solstice holiday only.
- Any similarities to religious and/or national holidays is purely coincidental.
- This greeting may be accepted in the context of the traditions of the religious beliefs of your choice, or secular beliefs of your choice, regardless of sexual orientation or operating system preference. However, such acceptance by the recipient does not imply any endorsements or consents by the Wishor.
- My wishes for your emotional state, financial success, and freedom from disease apply to the generally accepted calendar year 2007.
- Any other calendars of choice from other cultures or sects are subject to availability.
- This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal, is revocable at the sole discretion of the Wishor, and is non transferable.
- The Wishor implies no promise to actually implement any of the wishes.
- The extent of the holiday spirit experienced will be determined by the effort recipient puts into it.
- The claims described are for illustration purposes only. Your results may differ.
- These statements have not been approved by the FDA.
This greeting is void where prohibited by law. Any litigation arising from this greeting will be adjudicated in the jurisdiction of Peel, Ontario Canada. “Christmas”, “God”,
are registered trademarks of the Amway Corporation; all rights reserved.