I just watched this again and decided this thread NEEDED to be made, the legend that is.............
1) Porsches can "heal" themselves after repeatedly crashing into a Fiat and rolling onto their sides.
2) Two people can crash into a pole at 50 mph, wearing no seatbelts, and walk away.
3) Uzi's do not run out of ammunition until everyone is dead.
4) Being electrocuted will give you superhuman strength.
5) The best place to lock up a hostage is in a large room with balsa wood covering the window openings, with no guards outside the window.
6) The only way to break through balsa wood is with a disassembled doorknob.
7) Cheap airplanes are started by punching the control panel and saying "Fly or DIE!"
8 ) The best way to discreetly tell someone that people may be out to get him is by flying a military helicopter through the rolling mountains of Southern California to meet him.
9) Three men in a van can easily survive an explosion caused by a rocket being shot into the van's gas tank.
10) You can't just unbutton someone's shirt. You have to rip it open, and hold it open while talking to them.
11) A man's center of gravity does not change when picking up another man and holding him at arm's length.
12) Surplus stores have enough equipment to blow up an entire compound.
13) The only way to break into a surplus store is by driving your handy bulldozer through the front of it, for everyone to see.
14) However, no one will see what happened in (13).
15) A Ford Bronco with no brakes can still brake.
16) A Ford Bronco will explode three times upon rollover.
17) Tranquilizer darts are instantaneously effective.
18) One can walk about an airplane during takeoff if he claims that he is airsick.
19) Old Fiats are as fast as new Porsches.
20) Explosives set on the outside of a building will cause the building to explode from the inside.
21) Upon being scalped by circular saw blade, one becomes instantly pale.
22) Really good hair gel will not wash out, period.
23) Shopping malls have about 100 inept security guards apiece.
24) The best place to secretly exchange false documents for a briefcase-full of money is in a very public bar in a very public shopping mall.
25) Upon being blown up by a hand grenade, one does an acrobatic somersault.
26) Upon being shot, one acts like a cartoon character tripping backwards over a step.
27) Hedge deflects bullets.
28) If your daughter is being held hostage on an island, you should blow up every building on that island except one, because chances are she'll be in that one.
29) People commonly use stairs to get onto large commercial jetliners at Los Angeles International Airport, not jetways.
30) If a large truck comes barreling down a mountain toward you while you are driving, you should not brake. Instead, you should just say, "he's gonna hit us!" and keep driving at the same speed.
31) The US military's two best soldiers are an Austrian guy and an Australian guy.
32) The most efficient and reliable way to kill someone is to drive up to their house in a garbage truck when it's not their regular pick-up day, and hope that your intended victim hears you coming and rushes out with the garbage. And nobody else in the neighborhood will come out with their garbage too.
33) A perfectly built Austrian and a shorter, fatter Australian are evenly matched, even if one of them looks like he's in much better shape.
34) A medieval-style chain-mail chestplate is a useful piece of 20th century military equipment.
35) "Between the balls" is apparently a very bad place to take a bullet.
36) If you exit a commercial airplane after takeoff, none of the flight attendants or other passengers will wonder what happened to you.
37) Opening the hatch to gain access to the landing gear won't set off any warnings in the cockpit, even in a pressurized airplane that's about to take off.
38) If you only have one (very early) cellular phone, don't give it to the guy who's seeing Matrix off on the plane. Keep it by your side, even if there are normal telephones where you are. That way, when things go wrong, he can't call you with an update from his car but must find a pay phone instead.
39) If you used to be the head of a country, and you were overthrown and now live in exile, you automatically get your job back if the current ruler is assassinated.
40) If a team of ex-soldiers is given new identities and relocated, most of them will be given lousy jobs (car salesman, fishing boat worker), but the leader gets a big house in the mountains and a generous stipend. And the psychotic guy who got kicked off the team will get a new identity too, for some reason.
41) If you're trying to find the ex-leader of a special military unit who's been hiding in the mountains, wait til a military helicopter flies to his house, then have your henchmen teleport there two minutes later.
42) If you break into a warehouse and knock one of the workers out and lock him in a closet, he won't tell anybody about it when he regains consciousness.
43. When your plot includes the assassination of the leader of some foreign country and kidnapping a little girl you should wear low profile clothes, like chain mail, dog's chain on your neck, moustache and black leather pants.
44. When your plot includes the assassination of... you don't shoot a lethal Special Forces -guy when you have the chance. You challenge him into a knife fight instead.
45. When you're having sex in a motel room, you're not supposed to stop or get worried when you hear a gunshot and sounds of fighting in the next room.
46. If you are/were in Special Forces/Green Berets etc. you're huge.
47. If you are/were in Special Forces, you have superhuman senses and you can break a chain with your bare hands.
48. If you're from Austria and you need a false identity, the military gives you a common Austrian name like "John Matrix".
49.a phone booth with a human being inside of it is lighter than you think.
50. No bullet can penetrate the (aluminium) shell of a hydroplane. It's like an armored car.
51. Evil paramilitaries are long-sighted. They can hit a 2 meter target from 50 meters away while driving a jeep and shooting a submachine gun single handed. However, the same paramilitaries are unable to hit the same target from 5 meters away while standing in a door.
52. If you glue a little round box on top of your binoculars you can see funny little red numbers below and blinking blue arrows above the enlarged image.
53. If you put your explosive charge on the ground in front of the watchtower, the platform explodes. Three times in a row!!
54. If you're pursued by the evil paramilitaries and run out of ammo go to the garden tool shed, because all the bad guys store their circular saw blades there. How else would you cut down your apple tree?
55. To properly heat a two storey mansion near L.A. you need a boiler room that looks like a combined heat and power station.
56. If you get slashed across the stomach with a knife you don't bleed like a pig.
57 Bad guys are hollow, or at least they have no spine. If they had it should have been shot out of the pipe (together with some blood, muscles and organs) propelled from the steam coming out of the pipe.
58.Upon investigating the crime scene of a surplus store robbery, no one will notice a large Cadillac convertible full of guns, rockets, knives, explosives--and especially a person--parked behind the store.
59.guns have an never-ending supply of bullets
60.The best way to kill someone AND steal a car is by killing two birds with one stone: drive the brand-new car out of a showroom window, running over the man in the process.
61. When your daughter's life is on the line and time is limited, be sure to carefully put on black war paint to camouflage yourself on a sub-tropical island.
62. A man can carry an entire tree by himself.
63.Deers always just come up and eat food from your hand
64. Fathers dont knock their children out when shoving ice cream in their faces!
65.When a man gets hit by a car, he gets up and continues running even after it appears his legs have been snapped like chicken bones.
66.A man can rip a bolted seat right out of car with his bare hands.
67.Even though the bad guys have disabled your truck's engine, you can still drive it down a hill with exhaust fumes coming out the tailpipe
68.A shotgun leaves perfect rows of 6 exit wounds on a man, even though he was shot during a gun battle where the shooter was rolling, jumping, flying and generally not stable.
69.You can hear a little girl faintly calling your name even though she is many floors below you in a loud boiler room.
70.After you've jumped from a plane's landing gear from about 200 feet in the air, you can still get up and sprint across an airport tarmac faster than you've even run before.
71.When a helicopter approaches your house, it flies right up to you and suddenly turns at the last second before hitting the house.
72.Some believe chainmail is sufficient protection in a world of guns, grenades & pipes
73.A man can cut through logs with one swing of his axe.
74.Soldiers in the distance will shoot randomly all over the place even though the only battle going on is a small one-man melee on the other side of the island.
75. A little inflatable boat doesn't sink when you put an array of machine guns & rocket launchers in it.
76.Your hands dont get burnt when you rip a steel door of a flaming furnace.
77.You can still use both your arms to beat the crap out of someone and rip a steel pipe from the wall even though you have been shot in the shoulder 3 minutes previously.
78.You can be blown up with a grenade but if you go into a garden shed and take off your combat vest you will be fine.
79.An M-60 machine gun can fire about 9999999999999999 rounds without being reloaded.
80.If you rob a surplus store full of guns and get arrested the police just let you keep the guns and dont confiscate them.
81.If you raid a base full of soldiers, save your daughter and walk through the grounds with your daughter on your arm the soldiers that you didnt kill previously wont start shooting at you again.
82.You have been shot, slashed with knifes, blown up with a grenade, beaten up, shot with a tranquilliser, crashed into a pole with driving 50mph yet you can still walk carrying your daughter and get on a plane like nothing has happened.
83.Special Force Commandos can over power about 8 security guards even though they are all on top of you.
84.Shopping mall decorations can be used to swing from one side of to the mall to the other even though the person who is swinging on them is is 6ft 2" - 240 pounds!
85.If you lose your wallet you magically get it back if your wanting to show someone a picture of your daughter.
86.You can punch through glass (to get to knifes in a surplus store) and yor hand will be perfectly fine.
87.You can take a rocket launcher off a wall, give it to someone and then another one will magically reappear on the wall.
88.You have just killed about 100 men, robbed a surplus store, stole cars, wrecked a hotel room, blew up a police van, stole a plane, beat up about 50 security guards, jumped of a comercial airplane when its taking off, wrecked private property and blew up an entire base yet you get away scot-free with no questions asked!
89.Rocket launchers are easy to use. Just read the instructions.
90.If you plan to take someone's daughter hostage so that you can use him to assassinate someone for you, you should try killing both him and his daughter with machine guns first.
91.SWAT vans: (1) used to carry single prisoners, they have (2) nice little barred windows like in jail cells for the prisoner to look out at the surrounding traffic and into the cab.
92.If you are trying to escape from a 6'2" gigantic *beep* and have to go down ONE floor in a mall, you should take the slow scenic elevator, not the stairs or escalator.
93.Someone who has only flight-trained on a Cessna will know what type of fuel every kind of plane uses.
94.On commercial airliners, live dogs are stored in the unpressurized cargo bay.
95. A muscular guy in speedos is a major plot point.
96.Green berets are necessary for any nutrious breakfast.
97.you can stand in an open field with 30 men shooting automatic weapons at you and not get shot
98.while standing in said open field you can fire your pistol at them and kill them off one by one
99.Holding your stomach and saying im airsick is a valid excuse not to sit down during take off
100.It is posible to hold your eyes open while a plane is hurtaling at 150 mph down a runway
101.No one would notice a soaking wet bodybuilder wondering around the runway at one of the biggest airports in the world
102.A young girl can easily rip off a door handle.
103.An entire fleet of police cars, a SWAT van and an army unit (including top military personnel who happen to be in the neighbourhood) will be summoned to a ram raid on an army surplus store immediately.
104.Once the criminal has been apprehended, the entire squad sent to arrest him will disappear and he will be transported without handcuffs in an armoured van accompanied by two unarmed officers who will immediately goof off and cruise for hot chicks.
105.When an evil, psychotic mercenary determined to kill you is standing about three feet away with a machine gun aimed straight at you, he will not fire at you when you suddenly turn around and rip a pipe off the wall.
106.Thrown like a javelin from a few feet away, this pipe can pierce through the chest of a bulky man wearing a chain mail vest and nail him to a huge boiler.
107.Grenades explode one second after pulling the pin out on impact and land exactly where you want them to despite you looking in the other direction
108.Garden sheds, when being shot at by five automatic weapons, have sufficient framework to support a 250 pound man.
109.If a giant man is 3 feet away from you. You will not shoot him. You will let him steal your weapon and hit you in the face with it.
110.When you are watching the above happen, you will wait patiently until it is your turn.
111.When you are watching the above happen, you will wait for a metrosexual man in black pants with a tranquiliser gun to arrive before deciding to fight the giant man.
112.When a soldier assigned to protect a man says "he can make it" hes lying. He will in fact lie down as soon as said man runs off.
113.Retired commandos only keep their guns in sheds. Not in their houses were they would be easier to access should they ever need them.
114.When attacking a commandos house, you dont send men to the back. As to allow said commando to retrieve his gun from the shed.
115.Employ stealth tactics when apporaching a heavily guarded compounded where your daughter is being held. Up until the point where you blow up half of it with explosives you never planted.
116.When the army arrives on the scene, they will wait at a distance and do absolutely nothing.
117.When stealing rocket launchers from shops, don't worry, they already have rockets in them
118.The police won't help you if your daughter has been kidnapped by an exiled dictator, nor will your friends in high places in the military. Don't call them until you are about to take on an entire military compound.
119.Any member of the public is allowed to run up to a stretcher , check whose lying on it and then runaway no questions asked.
120.If you are looking for your Daddy in a sewer, every person's voice sounds like your Dad's.
121.All Commando's wear Speedo's beneath their fighting gear.
125.When shaken, all glass inside a phone box will shatter.
126.If there are eight people against one man, each person will wait their turn.
127.If however, all men pile in to the meleé at once, they will all fall back moments later.
128.The US has found some tactical advantage in having Special Ops. who are too large to fit through most doorways
129.Airplane toilets can be used to teleport to a different part of the plane.
130.Digital watches beep annoyingly as they count down.
131.In an effect known as 'Schrodingers Car Windows' a feat of superposition allows car windows to be both 'up' and 'down' depending on who is looking through them
132.Bad guys use briefcases that open to the sound of gunfire.
133.Fiats have a 'Restore Front Bumper' button
134.Ex-Special Ops. have a window sticker for thier vehicle allowing them to escape being pulled over in an obviously stolen/written off car.
135.High-ranking Generals are usually over-reacting when using phrases like 'World War III' to discribe a situation
136.1 bite of sandwhich is enough to satisfy a man's hunger for, say at least 12 hours
137.Juice is distributed in shots in the Matrix household
138. Gun lockers have very simple passwords
139.Cars engines have a lot more wires than i originally thought
140.You can get sliced along a main arterary or shot in the arm and continue fighting at a very high standard
141.'We fight for love' by Power Station is an absolutely cracking song
142.forklift trucks are conviently placed outside gun shops
143.an amateur pilot can deceive the u.s. coast guard from finding them
144.three men in a jeep driving towards you very fast and firing machine guns will not hit you despite firing on you for nearly a minute while you just stand there
145.when stealthily trying to break in a place guarded by an entire army waiting to kill you, it is perfectly normal for the person with you to crack a sarcastic joke like "a little hostile, aren't we?" after you break the man's neck.
146.when wanting to assassinate a leader of a foreign country the best way to do it is to kidnap a commando's daughter and force him to do it for you, despite the fact you already have a commando working for you, along with an entire private army
147.You can throw a guy off a cliff and then fortunately find his Motel keys (with logo and address tags on) in his car. Good job they weren't in his trouser/jacket pocket where most people keep theirs.
148.Bad guys don't shower and smell so bad that you can smell them down-wind.
149.When a plane is thundering down a runway at 200mph+ you can get out of your seat, walk about, and not fall over.
150.Young girls often walk upto young black women they've never met before and hug them.
