Special "I was funny once upon a time" Ed has definetely wore out his welcome.
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Let me tell you a story about "BerzerkFury" (Oh Brother!)...
Justin, or "Heavy D" as his mother calls him, grew up in the gang-infested white-collar community of Bethel, Connecticut where the average family income is $230,000 and all three of the black kids in Bethel High play chess more than basketball. Despite his upper echelon roots, JD began "holding it down" and "keeping it real" in 10th grade after watching VH1's Behind the Music episode on Tupac and realizing there had to be an easier way out of the "hood" than using dad's connections at Wesleyan. After getting a blue bandana for his 16th birthday, it was on like Donkey Kong 64. Despite starting up his own version of the "Pussy Posse", he was still scoreless at the end of his senior year. Thankfully, his investment banker father had an account at Scores and was able to hold a private graduation party for JD there so his son could get laid in style.
As seen above, JD continues to evolve his unique gangsta style. On the left, equipped in Crip-fairy-blue, his upturned double chin, oversized teeth, pock-marked skin, over-gelled hair, flared nostrils and pallid complexion exudes a menacing look that screams "Methandrostenolone" and makes the moniker "BerzerkFury" seem downright tame.
On the right, we see the results of a transformation that indicates that his nights spent doing drive-by shootings are behind him: The cool, crisp, Crip-blue Brooks Brothers shirt projects the 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' metrosexuality, the loosely knotted tie, false December tan, and self-consciously messy hair speaks to a newfound mirrorless narcissism, and most importantly, the lip closure and the self-awareness to lower and protrude the jaw to decrease the facial fleshiness indicates the broad influence of Derek Zoolander's 'Blue Steel' on today's reformed gangstas. Sure, the sideburns are a pathetic attempt to make up for the prematurely receding hairline and the seductive squint simultaneously screams out "I'm sexy" and "I'm dangerous" but inside JD is now just a big Teddybear who still sends his mom two dozen roses on Valentine's Day, would never think of cheating on his girlfriend, and reprimands his teammates for "disrespecting women" when they read Maxim.
With his Morgan Stanley internship fully arranged for this summer, rest assured that JD is well on his way to a level of fortune and success that should far surpass 99% of bodybuilders within eight weeks of his graduation in June 2008. Congrats JD! It's a pleasure having you here!
Special "Delivery" Ed
