Signs of an abusive personality

[CQ]

some basic hints:

Best predictor for future behavior is past behavior.
Agression is generally not domain specific; ergo when he's aggressive on the job or on the sportsfield he will probably be agressive in a domestic setting.

I think this may be right in most cases, but I know in mine it wasn't. My husband was very aggressive outside of the house, like if some guy messed with him, my husband would quite quickly punch him in the face. But with me, he never even raised his voice, and would not have dreamed of hitting me. I am sure you are right though, he was probably an exception to the rule.

[Delilah]

In light of some recent threads....

(from hiddenhurt.co.uk)

Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality
It is sometimes possible to predict the likelihood of the person you are currently or are about to become involved with being abusive. Below are a list of behaviours and traits which are common in abusive personalities. These are commonly known as Warning Signs.

While not all abusive people show the same signs, or display the tendencies to the same extent, if several behavioural traits are present, there is a strong tendency toward abusiveness. Generally, the more signs are present, the greater the likelihood of violence. In some cases, an abuser may have only a couple of behavioural traits that can be recognized, but they are very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things).

Often the abuser will initially try to explain his/her behaviour as signs of his/her love and concern, and the victim may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviours become more severe and serve to dominate, control and manipulate the victim.
 Related Pages:
Mr Wrong or Mr Right
The Dominator
 
Jealousy
At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say the jealousy is a sign of love. He/she may question you about whom you have spoken to or seen during the day, may accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with family, friends, children or hobbies which do not include him/her. As the jealousy progresses, he/she may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may be unhappy about or refuse to let you work for fear you'll meet someone else, check the car mileage or ask friends to keep an eye on you. Jealousy is not proof of love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.

Controlling Behaviour
Controlling behaviour is often disguised or excused as concern. Concern for your safety, your emotional or mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions. Your abuser may be angry or upset if you are 'late' coming back from work, shopping, visiting friends, etc., even if you told him/her you would be later back than usual. Your abuser may question you closely about where you were, whom you spoke to, the content of every conversation you held, or why you did something he/she was not involved in. As this behaviour gets worse, you may not be allowed to make personal decisions about the house, clothing, going to church or how you spend your time or money or even make you ask for permission to leave the house or room. Alternately, he/she may theoretically allow you your own decisions, but penalise you for making the wrong ones. Concern for our loved ones to a certain extent is normal - trying to control their every move is not.

Quick Involvement
Many victims of abuse dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. The abuser will often claim 'love at first sight', that you are 'made for each other', or that you are the only person whom he could ever talk to so openly, feel so at home with, could understand him so well. He/she may tell you that they have never loved anyone so much or felt so loved by anyone so much before, when you have really only known each other for a short amount of time. He/she needs someone desperately, and will pressure you to commit to him/her or make love before you feel the relationship has reached 'that stage'. He/she may also make you feel guilty for not committing yourself to him/her.

Unrealistic Expectations
The abuser may expects you to be the perfect husband, wife, mother, father, lover, and friend. He/she is very dependent on you for all his/her needs, and may tell you he/she can fulfil all your needs as lover, friend, and companion. Statements such as: 'lf you love me, I'm all you need.', 'You are all I need.' are common. Your abuser may expect you to provide everything for him/her emotionally, practically, financially or spiritually, and then blame you for not being perfect or living up to expectation.

Isolation
The abuser may try to curtail your social interaction. He/she may prevent you from spending time with your friends or family and demand that you only go places 'together'. He/she may accuse you of being 'tied to your mother's apron strings', not be committed to the relationship, or view people who are your personal friends as 'causing trouble' or 'trying to put a wedge' between you. He/she may want to live in the country without a phone, not let you use the car, stop you from working or gaining further education or qualifications.

Blame-shifting for Problems
Very rarely will an abusive personality accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem. If they are unemployed, can't hold down a job, were thrown out of college or University or fall out with their family, it is always someone else's fault, be it the boss, the government, or their mother. They may feel that someone is always doing them wrong, or out to get him. He/she may make a mistakes and then blame you for upsetting him/her or preventing him/her from doing as they wished to.

Blame-shifting for Feelings
The abuser will deny feelings stem from within him/her but see them as reactions to your behaviour or attitude toward him/her. He/she may tell you that 'you make me mad', 'you're hurting me by not doing what I ask', or that he/she cannot help feeling mad, upset, etc. Feelings may be used to manipulate you, i.e. 'I would not be angry if you didn't ...' Positive emotions will often also be seen as originating outside the abuser, but are more difficult to detect. Statements such as 'You make me happy' or 'You make me feel good about myself' are also signs that the abuser feels you are responsible for his sense of well-being. Either way, you become in his/her mind the cause of good and bad feelings and are therefore responsible for his/her emotional well-being and happiness. Consequently, you are also to blame for any negative feelings such as anger, upset or depression.

Hypersensitivity
Most abusers have very low self-esteem and are therefore easily insulted or upset. They may claim their feelings are 'hurt' when they are really angry, or take unrelated comments as personal attacks. They may perceive normal set-backs (having to work additional hours, being asked to help out, receiving a parking fine, etc.) as grave personal injustices. They may view your preference for something which differs from their own as a criticism of their taste and therefore themselves (e.g. blue wallpaper rather than pink, etc.).

Cruelty to Animals
The abuser may punishes animals brutally, be insensitive to their pain or suffering, or neglect to care for the animals to the point of cruelty, e.g. not feeding them all day, leaving them in areas he/she knows will cause them suffering or distress. There is a strong correlation between cruelty to animals and domestic violence which is still being researched.

Cruelty to Children
The abusers unrealistic expectations of their partner are often mirrored in their attitude toward children. He/she will think of children as 'small adults' and blame the children for not being responsible, having common sense or understanding. He/she may expect children to be capable far beyond their ability (e.g. is angry with a two-year old for wetting their pants or being sick on the carpet, waking at night or being upset by nightmares) and will often meet out punishments for 'naughtiness' the child could not be aware of. Abusers may tease children until they cry, or punish children way beyond what could be deemed appropriate. He/she may not want children to eat at the table, expect them to stay quiet, or keep to their room all evening while he/she is at home. Since abusers want all your attention themselves, they resent your spending time with the children or any normal demands and needs the children may have. As above (cruelty to animals), there is a very strong link between Domestic Violence and Child Abuse.

'Playful' use of Force in Sex
He/she may pressurise you to agree to forceful or violent acts during sex, or want to act out fantasies where you are helpless. A male abuser may let you know that the idea of "rape" excites him. He/she may show little concern about whether you want to have intercourse and uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance. Starting sex while you are sleeping, demanding sex when you are ill or tired, or refusing any form of intimacy unless you are willing to go 'all the way' can all be signs that he/she could be sexually abusive or sexually violent.

Rigid Gender Roles
Abusers usually believe in stereotypical gender roles. A man may expect a woman to serve him; stay at home, obey him in all things - even things that are criminal in nature. A male abuser will often see women as inferior to men, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship. Female abusers may expect the man to provide for them entirely, shift the responsibility for her well-being onto him or heckle him as being 'not a real man' if he shows any weakness or emotion.

Verbal Abuse
In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, either in public or in private, this can include degrading remarks or running down any accomplishments. Often the abuser will tell you that you are 'stupid', could not manage without him/her. He/she may keep you up all night to 'sort this out once and for all' or even wake you at night to continue to verbally abuse you. The abuser may even say kindly things to your face, but speak badly about you to friends and family.

Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde
Very rarely do abusers conform to the stereotypical image of a constantly harsh, nasty or violent person, either in public or in private. More frequently the abuser portrays a perfectly normal and pleasant picture to the outside world (often they have responsible jobs or are respected and important members of the local community or Church) and reserves the abuse for you in the privacy of your own home. Nor are abusers always overtly abusive or cruel, but can display apparent kindness and consideration. This Jeckyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser serves to further confuse the victim, while protecting themselves from any form of suspicion from outsiders. Many victims describe "sudden" changes in mood - one minute nice and the next explosive or hysterical, or one minute happy and the next minute sad. This does not indicate some special "mental problem" but are typical of abusive personalities, and related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.

Drink or Substance Abuse
While neither drinking or the use of drugs are signs of an abusive personality, heavy drinking or drug abuse may be a warning sign and do increase the risks of abuse, especially violence, taking place. Often an abusive person will blame the drink for his/her abuse. However, a person who, knowing there is a risk he/she could be violent when drinking or on drugs, chooses to get drunk or high, is in effect choosing to abuse. The link between substance abuse and domestic abuse is still being researched, and it is apparent that while neither alcohol nor drugs necessarily cause violence, they do increase the risk of violence.

History of Battering or Sexual Violence
Very rarely is abuse or violence a one-off event: a batterer will beat any woman he is with; a sexually abusive person will be abusive toward all his intimate partners. Situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality. Sometimes friends or family may try to warn you about the abuser. Sometimes the abuser may tell you himself/herself that he/she has hit or sexually assaulted someone in the past. However, they may further go on to explain that "she made me do it by ..." or in some other way not take responsibility and shift the blame on to the victim. They may tell you that it won't happen with you because "you love them enough to prevent it" or "you won't be stupid enough to wind me up that much". Once again, this is denying their own responsibility for the abuse, and shifting the responsibility for the relationship to remain abuse-free on to you. Past violence is one of the strongest pointers that abuse will occur.

Threatening Violence
This would obviously include any threat of physical force such as "If you speak to him/her again, I'll kill you", or "If any wife of mine acted like John's did, I'd give her a right seeing to". But can also include less obvious threats, such as "If you leave me, I will kill myself". Threats are designed to manipulate and control you, to keep you in your place and prevent you making your own decisions. Most people do not threaten their mates, but an abuser will excuse this behaviour by saying "everybody talks like that.", maintaining he/she is only saying this because the relationship or you are so important to him/her, tell you you're "over-sensitive" for being upset by such threats, or obviously want to hurt him/her.

Breaking or Striking Objects
The abusive person may break your treasured object, beat his/her fists on the table or chair or throw something at or past you. Breaking your things is often used as a punishment for some imagined misdeed on your part. Sometimes it will be justified by saying that now that you are with him/her, you don't need these items any more. Breaking your possessions also has the effect of de-personalising you, denying you your individuality or literally trying to break links to your past. Beating items of furniture or throwing objects will often be justified by saying you wound him/her up so much they lost control, once again shifting the blame for this behaviour on to you, but is actually used to terrorise you into submission. Only very immature or abusive people beat on objects in the presence of other people in order to threaten or intimidate them.

Any Force during an Argument
An abuser may physically restrain you from leaving the room, lash out at you with his/her hand or another object, pin you against a wall or shout 'right in your face'. Basically any form of force used during an argument can be a sign that actual violence is a strong possibility.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The above list was prepared with reference to
A Guide to recognizing Behaviors of Abusive persons, Cheektowaga Police Department, (link no longer active - sorry!)

So true.  I've been there--this article is right on the money--EVERY WORD.

As someone who was recently in a relationship with an emotionally abusive person, I can tell you that I found a great deal of comfort from a book written by George K. Simon Jr, PhD called "In Sheep's Clothing:  Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative people."  An excerpt:
'The tactics that manipulators frequently use...........can make it seem like the person using them is hurting, caring defending...almost anything but fighting us for advantage.  They always make just enough sense to make another doubt his or her gut hunch that they're being taken advantage of or abused.  Because the tactics no only make it hard for a person to consciously and objectively know that a manipulator is fighting to overcome, but also simultaneously keep a person unconsciously on the defensive, they are highly effective psychological one-two punches TO WHICH ANYONE CAN SUCCUMB.'

Recovery from such a relationship is difficult.  I wish I had never gotten involved with such a monster................. ...

[army682]

So true.  I've been there--this article is right on the money--EVERY WORD.

As someone who was recently in a relationship with an emotionally abusive person, I can tell you that I found a great deal of comfort from a book written by George K. Simon Jr, PhD called "In Sheep's Clothing:  Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative people."  An excerpt:
'The tactics that manipulators frequently use...........can make it seem like the person using them is hurting, caring defending...almost anything but fighting us for advantage.  They always make just enough sense to make another doubt his or her gut hunch that they're being taken advantage of or abused.  Because the tactics no only make it hard for a person to consciously and objectively know that a manipulator is fighting to overcome, but also simultaneously keep a person unconsciously on the defensive, they are highly effective psychological one-two punches TO WHICH ANYONE CAN SUCCUMB.'

Recovery from such a relationship is difficult.  I wish I had never gotten involved with such a monster................. ...

 I thought I read that you are married???
How could be in a happy marriage and in an abusive relationship???

Maybe you were cheating on your husband, lied, and the other guy got pissed? That is not abusive.

Blaming others for damage you do is a symptom of bipolar behavior

[Laura Lee]

I thought I read that you are married???
How could be in a happy marriage and in an abusive relationship???

Maybe you were cheating on your husband, lied, and the other guy got pissed? That is not abusive.

Blaming others for damage you do is a symptom of bipolar behavior

No it isn't.  It's just blaming someone else for your screw-up....hell everyone does it.  I am sure you yourself have too armyguy.  Does that mean everyone is bipolar?

Btw... what do kind of behaviour does physical or mental/emotional abuse, harrassment and stalking fall under?

[army682]

In light of some recent threads....

(from hiddenhurt.co.uk)

Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality
It is sometimes possible to predict the likelihood of the person you are currently or are about to become involved with being abusive. Below are a list of behaviours and traits which are common in abusive personalities. These are commonly known as Warning Signs.

While not all abusive people show the same signs, or display the tendencies to the same extent, if several behavioural traits are present, there is a strong tendency toward abusiveness. Generally, the more signs are present, the greater the likelihood of violence. In some cases, an abuser may have only a couple of behavioural traits that can be recognized, but they are very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things).

Often the abuser will initially try to explain his/her behaviour as signs of his/her love and concern, and the victim may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviours become more severe and serve to dominate, control and manipulate the victim.
 Related Pages:
Mr Wrong or Mr Right
The Dominator
 
Jealousy
At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say the jealousy is a sign of love. He/she may question you about whom you have spoken to or seen during the day, may accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with family, friends, children or hobbies which do not include him/her. As the jealousy progresses, he/she may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may be unhappy about or refuse to let you work for fear you'll meet someone else, check the car mileage or ask friends to keep an eye on you. Jealousy is not proof of love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.

Controlling Behaviour
Controlling behaviour is often disguised or excused as concern. Concern for your safety, your emotional or mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions. Your abuser may be angry or upset if you are 'late' coming back from work, shopping, visiting friends, etc., even if you told him/her you would be later back than usual. Your abuser may question you closely about where you were, whom you spoke to, the content of every conversation you held, or why you did something he/she was not involved in. As this behaviour gets worse, you may not be allowed to make personal decisions about the house, clothing, going to church or how you spend your time or money or even make you ask for permission to leave the house or room. Alternately, he/she may theoretically allow you your own decisions, but penalise you for making the wrong ones. Concern for our loved ones to a certain extent is normal - trying to control their every move is not.

Quick Involvement
Many victims of abuse dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. The abuser will often claim 'love at first sight', that you are 'made for each other', or that you are the only person whom he could ever talk to so openly, feel so at home with, could understand him so well. He/she may tell you that they have never loved anyone so much or felt so loved by anyone so much before, when you have really only known each other for a short amount of time. He/she needs someone desperately, and will pressure you to commit to him/her or make love before you feel the relationship has reached 'that stage'. He/she may also make you feel guilty for not committing yourself to him/her.

Unrealistic Expectations
The abuser may expects you to be the perfect husband, wife, mother, father, lover, and friend. He/she is very dependent on you for all his/her needs, and may tell you he/she can fulfil all your needs as lover, friend, and companion. Statements such as: 'lf you love me, I'm all you need.', 'You are all I need.' are common. Your abuser may expect you to provide everything for him/her emotionally, practically, financially or spiritually, and then blame you for not being perfect or living up to expectation.

Isolation
The abuser may try to curtail your social interaction. He/she may prevent you from spending time with your friends or family and demand that you only go places 'together'. He/she may accuse you of being 'tied to your mother's apron strings', not be committed to the relationship, or view people who are your personal friends as 'causing trouble' or 'trying to put a wedge' between you. He/she may want to live in the country without a phone, not let you use the car, stop you from working or gaining further education or qualifications.

Blame-shifting for Problems
Very rarely will an abusive personality accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem. If they are unemployed, can't hold down a job, were thrown out of college or University or fall out with their family, it is always someone else's fault, be it the boss, the government, or their mother. They may feel that someone is always doing them wrong, or out to get him. He/she may make a mistakes and then blame you for upsetting him/her or preventing him/her from doing as they wished to.

Blame-shifting for Feelings
The abuser will deny feelings stem from within him/her but see them as reactions to your behaviour or attitude toward him/her. He/she may tell you that 'you make me mad', 'you're hurting me by not doing what I ask', or that he/she cannot help feeling mad, upset, etc. Feelings may be used to manipulate you, i.e. 'I would not be angry if you didn't ...' Positive emotions will often also be seen as originating outside the abuser, but are more difficult to detect. Statements such as 'You make me happy' or 'You make me feel good about myself' are also signs that the abuser feels you are responsible for his sense of well-being. Either way, you become in his/her mind the cause of good and bad feelings and are therefore responsible for his/her emotional well-being and happiness. Consequently, you are also to blame for any negative feelings such as anger, upset or depression.

Hypersensitivity
Most abusers have very low self-esteem and are therefore easily insulted or upset. They may claim their feelings are 'hurt' when they are really angry, or take unrelated comments as personal attacks. They may perceive normal set-backs (having to work additional hours, being asked to help out, receiving a parking fine, etc.) as grave personal injustices. They may view your preference for something which differs from their own as a criticism of their taste and therefore themselves (e.g. blue wallpaper rather than pink, etc.).

Cruelty to Animals
The abuser may punishes animals brutally, be insensitive to their pain or suffering, or neglect to care for the animals to the point of cruelty, e.g. not feeding them all day, leaving them in areas he/she knows will cause them suffering or distress. There is a strong correlation between cruelty to animals and domestic violence which is still being researched.

Cruelty to Children
The abusers unrealistic expectations of their partner are often mirrored in their attitude toward children. He/she will think of children as 'small adults' and blame the children for not being responsible, having common sense or understanding. He/she may expect children to be capable far beyond their ability (e.g. is angry with a two-year old for wetting their pants or being sick on the carpet, waking at night or being upset by nightmares) and will often meet out punishments for 'naughtiness' the child could not be aware of. Abusers may tease children until they cry, or punish children way beyond what could be deemed appropriate. He/she may not want children to eat at the table, expect them to stay quiet, or keep to their room all evening while he/she is at home. Since abusers want all your attention themselves, they resent your spending time with the children or any normal demands and needs the children may have. As above (cruelty to animals), there is a very strong link between Domestic Violence and Child Abuse.

'Playful' use of Force in Sex
He/she may pressurise you to agree to forceful or violent acts during sex, or want to act out fantasies where you are helpless. A male abuser may let you know that the idea of "rape" excites him. He/she may show little concern about whether you want to have intercourse and uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance. Starting sex while you are sleeping, demanding sex when you are ill or tired, or refusing any form of intimacy unless you are willing to go 'all the way' can all be signs that he/she could be sexually abusive or sexually violent.

Rigid Gender Roles
Abusers usually believe in stereotypical gender roles. A man may expect a woman to serve him; stay at home, obey him in all things - even things that are criminal in nature. A male abuser will often see women as inferior to men, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship. Female abusers may expect the man to provide for them entirely, shift the responsibility for her well-being onto him or heckle him as being 'not a real man' if he shows any weakness or emotion.

Verbal Abuse
In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, either in public or in private, this can include degrading remarks or running down any accomplishments. Often the abuser will tell you that you are 'stupid', could not manage without him/her. He/she may keep you up all night to 'sort this out once and for all' or even wake you at night to continue to verbally abuse you. The abuser may even say kindly things to your face, but speak badly about you to friends and family.

Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde
Very rarely do abusers conform to the stereotypical image of a constantly harsh, nasty or violent person, either in public or in private. More frequently the abuser portrays a perfectly normal and pleasant picture to the outside world (often they have responsible jobs or are respected and important members of the local community or Church) and reserves the abuse for you in the privacy of your own home. Nor are abusers always overtly abusive or cruel, but can display apparent kindness and consideration. This Jeckyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser serves to further confuse the victim, while protecting themselves from any form of suspicion from outsiders. Many victims describe "sudden" changes in mood - one minute nice and the next explosive or hysterical, or one minute happy and the next minute sad. This does not indicate some special "mental problem" but are typical of abusive personalities, and related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.

Drink or Substance Abuse
While neither drinking or the use of drugs are signs of an abusive personality, heavy drinking or drug abuse may be a warning sign and do increase the risks of abuse, especially violence, taking place. Often an abusive person will blame the drink for his/her abuse. However, a person who, knowing there is a risk he/she could be violent when drinking or on drugs, chooses to get drunk or high, is in effect choosing to abuse. The link between substance abuse and domestic abuse is still being researched, and it is apparent that while neither alcohol nor drugs necessarily cause violence, they do increase the risk of violence.

History of Battering or Sexual Violence
Very rarely is abuse or violence a one-off event: a batterer will beat any woman he is with; a sexually abusive person will be abusive toward all his intimate partners. Situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality. Sometimes friends or family may try to warn you about the abuser. Sometimes the abuser may tell you himself/herself that he/she has hit or sexually assaulted someone in the past. However, they may further go on to explain that "she made me do it by ..." or in some other way not take responsibility and shift the blame on to the victim. They may tell you that it won't happen with you because "you love them enough to prevent it" or "you won't be stupid enough to wind me up that much". Once again, this is denying their own responsibility for the abuse, and shifting the responsibility for the relationship to remain abuse-free on to you. Past violence is one of the strongest pointers that abuse will occur.

Threatening Violence
This would obviously include any threat of physical force such as "If you speak to him/her again, I'll kill you", or "If any wife of mine acted like John's did, I'd give her a right seeing to". But can also include less obvious threats, such as "If you leave me, I will kill myself". Threats are designed to manipulate and control you, to keep you in your place and prevent you making your own decisions. Most people do not threaten their mates, but an abuser will excuse this behaviour by saying "everybody talks like that.", maintaining he/she is only saying this because the relationship or you are so important to him/her, tell you you're "over-sensitive" for being upset by such threats, or obviously want to hurt him/her.

Breaking or Striking Objects
The abusive person may break your treasured object, beat his/her fists on the table or chair or throw something at or past you. Breaking your things is often used as a punishment for some imagined misdeed on your part. Sometimes it will be justified by saying that now that you are with him/her, you don't need these items any more. Breaking your possessions also has the effect of de-personalising you, denying you your individuality or literally trying to break links to your past. Beating items of furniture or throwing objects will often be justified by saying you wound him/her up so much they lost control, once again shifting the blame for this behaviour on to you, but is actually used to terrorise you into submission. Only very immature or abusive people beat on objects in the presence of other people in order to threaten or intimidate them.

Any Force during an Argument
An abuser may physically restrain you from leaving the room, lash out at you with his/her hand or another object, pin you against a wall or shout 'right in your face'. Basically any form of force used during an argument can be a sign that actual violence is a strong possibility.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The above list was prepared with reference to
A Guide to recognizing Behaviors of Abusive persons, Cheektowaga Police Department, (link no longer active - sorry!)

Funny, I too was in an abusive realtionship. A bit different though. In this situation, the [person was married, lied and cheated with me, then kept going back and forth, lieing to me about circumstances and situations. This person kept sucking me back into theis tale of lies and deceipt. Finally, after months of this, I was able to break free, and I was quite angry at all the lies and manipulation. After being so very angry, this person was able to turn it around on me and blame ME, calling me abusive becasue I was sooo angry.

Abuse comes in many forms but I wil def. read that book.

I am soooo glad to be away from tht monster, and liar.

[Laura Lee]

Funny, I too was in an abusive realtionship. A bit different though. In this situation, the [person was married, lied and cheated with me, then kept going back and forth, lieing to me about circumstances and situations. This person kept sucking me back into theis tale of lies and deceipt. Finally, after months of this, I was able to break free, and I was quite angry at all the lies and manipulation. After being so very angry, this person was able to turn it around on me and blame ME, calling me abusive becasue I was sooo angry.

Abuse comes in many forms but I wil def. read that book.

I am soooo glad to be away from tht monster, and liar.

Jack?  I thought you wanted to take a "break" from all this ... drama.

[army682]

No it isn't.  It's just blaming someone else for your screw-up....hell everyone does it.  I am sure you yourself have too armyguy.  Does that mean everyone is bipolar?

Btw... what do kind of behaviour does physical or mental/emotional abuse, harrassment and stalking fall under?

The question is, where does manipulation, lieing, and deciet fall under??

[Laura Lee]

The question is, where does manipulation, lieing, and deciet fall under??

There is always a difference in outcome when 2 people have a falling out.  Best thing is to move forward, not look back.  Blaming one another doesnt' do anything but add fuel to the fire, do you agree.  What you believe to be true is true to you, but may not be true to the other and vice versa.  You two are never going to come to an agreement, so lets just let it go and stop attacking. 

The book Stella writes about in this thread is regarding MANY forms of abuse.  If you honestly feel you have been abused, buy it, read it and learn from it.

[army682]

There is always a difference in outcome when 2 people have a falling out.  Best thing is to move forward, not look back.  Blaming one another doesnt' do anything but add fuel to the fire, do you agree.  What you believe to be true is true to you, but may not be true to the other and vice versa.  You two are never going to come to an agreement, so lets just let it go and stop attacking. 

The book Stella writes about in this thread is regarding MANY forms of abuse.  If you honestly feel you have been abused, buy it, read it and learn from it.

Seems to me like Delila is the one attacking. Defensinve posturing is another story.

She called him a "monster".........trust me, when you cheat, someone, or everyone will get hurt, people react differently to being hurt......that does not qualify as abuse.

Saying it's 'abuse' is just a another form of manipulation, and rationalization concerning the damage one inflicts.

just becasue someone does not react the way  you want them to, in a way that does not suit your agenda, this is not abuse.

[CQ]

Meltdown warning, I will repeat...meltdown warning

[Deedee]

Personal lives should remain personal... 

Message boards are for sharing general opinions and thoughts.

[Original Sin]

The question is, where does manipulation, lieing, and deciet fall under??

Usually Thursday at 10:00pm and two shows Friday and Saturday Night.     

[Laura Lee]

Usually Thursday at 10:00pm and two shows Friday and Saturday Night.     

Yes, on both the "Lifetime" channel and "Oxygen" 

[Laura Lee]

Seems to me like Delila is the one attacking. Defensinve posturing is another story.

She called him a "monster".........trust me, when you cheat, someone, or everyone will get hurt, people react differently to being hurt......that does not qualify as abuse.

Saying it's 'abuse' is just a another form of manipulation, and rationalization concerning the damage one inflicts.

just becasue someone does not react the way  you want them to, in a way that does not suit your agenda, this is not abuse.

What is it with people?  Why is the thought of it as "cheating" only mention when it doen't work out? 

And again, this is "Delilah's" monster or how she views someone.  If they are not truly a monster...it would be known by those they know and would show to all.  But...if he is really a monster...he will show his true colors to the world. 

Abuse is seen differently through different peoples eyes and comes in many forms.  I suggest you read the book Army682.  Maybe it will help you battle your own monsters.

[drkaje]

I agree that abuse happens but... is anyone here old enough to remember the "courage to heal" phenomenon? Everybody and their cousin believed they were abused as children.

A lot of people might take this the wrong way but... My guess is that a lot of perceved abuse is just that, perceived. A lot of people end up in serious reationships with responsibility, children, debt, etc... before being emotionally mature. Feeling abused might have just as much to do with poor self image, immature coping skills, not getting enough attention, fantasy clashing with reality or a million other things.

Abuse does occur but it's dangerous to have too broad of a definition. For example: Should we consider shopping too much a form of abuse? Maybe one spouse accumulates debt because they feel it will prevent the person from ever leaving them. If the breadwinner says no more shopping.... are they being abusive, controlling or just plain responsible?

[tu_holmes]

Yes, on both the "Lifetime" channel and "Oxygen" 

I thought that it was from Thursday 10pm through Monday Morning at 8am...

Lifetime... Television for Man-Haters.

[army682]

Very rarely will an abusive personality accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem. If they are unemployed, can't hold down a job, were thrown out of college or University or fall out with their family, it is always someone else's fault, be it the boss, the government, or their mother. They may feel that someone is always doing them wrong, or out to get him. He/she may make a mistakes and then blame you for upsetting him/her or preventing him/her from doing as they wished to."

Amazing, just as it was in my realtionship.  It seems these traits can be interpreted in most situations.

[24KT]

Should we consider shopping too much a form of abuse?

Only when you have to deal with snobby resentful shop girls on Rodeo Dr.  

Something to keep in mind too is that each person relationship is their own. We know nothing about it except what we're told. It is quite possible there were many forms of abuse that Delilah encountered that she may not have articulated to you. You cannot say he was or was not a monster. we don't know.  

[Laura Lee]

Good post Army682.

But, please go to this link and read and agree to the rules of this board so that you may continue to post here.  Otherwise all your posts may be deleted by the those who moderate this board.

Thank you.

[drkaje]

Only when you have to deal with snobby resentful shop girls on Rodeo Dr.  

Something to keep in mind too is that each person relationship is their own. We know nothing about it except what we're told. It is quite possible there were many forms of abuse that Delilah encountered that she may not have articulated to you. You cannot say he was or was not a monster. we don't know.  

Judi,

Shopping and accumulating debt was just an example of ways people might either conciously or subconciously try to exert power/control in a relationship. Shopping itself isn't bad, there can just be a lot of reasons for spending going on in a person's mind.

[Deedee]

And some of us just NEED 80 pairs of shoes... 

[drkaje]

And some of us just NEED 80 pairs of shoes... 

There's no one thing with 500 pairs of shoes. As long as you can actually afford them.

[24KT]

Judi,

Shopping and accumulating debt was just an example of ways people might either conciously or subconciously try to exert power/control in a relationship. Shopping itself isn't bad, there can just be a lot of reasons for spending going on in a person's mind.

it's a sex substitute 

[tu_holmes]

it's a sex substitute 

Isn't everything?

[24KT]

Definite Signs of an abusive personality here:

Believe it or not, this man is talking to his 11 year old daughter!     ...just lovely. 

Click here to hear how an abusive asshole speaks to his 11 yr. old daughter