trapped

[homer77]

i have a wonderful son who is my life.  he is 21 months.  i want my son to grow in a loving family.  as of now he lives with 2 people who dont seem to get along.  we both love him very much but i dont think we love each other anymore.  one side of the relationship isnt cooperating even though i have been trying for quite some time.  i feel trapped.  i do not want to share my son over custody visits.  i need to see him every day.  i could live without the issues from my spouce.   how do you talk someone into seeing prof. help? 

[Butterbean]

 how do you talk someone into seeing prof. help? 

Sounds like a troubling situation right now but there is hope and sometimes getting through times like these can make the relationship stronger.

Are you talking about marriage counseling?  Have you asked her to go to counseling?  If not, why not?

[az]

convincing someone to go to counseling is hard if they don't want to. suggest it though. if she is against it go for yourself and start saving money in a special account.

[trab]

i have a wonderful son who is my life.  he is 21 months.  i want my son to grow in a loving family.  as of now he lives with 2 people who don't seem to get along.  we both love him very much but i don't think we love each other anymore.   

I see a lot positive here. Work with that, from the known to the unknown.

1. you both LOVE your son.
2. You want him to grow up in a loving home- good dude.
3. You say 2 people who don't - SEEM to get along.     SEEM tells me you want this to work.

21 months old child, It's a tough time. Congratulate both yourselves what you have got thru, it's hard.

What do you want? How can I get it?  Marriage requires some compromise w/ both people. A 84 yr old customer of mine told me the secret to marriage is compromise.

You don't sound like you want to give up, so work for it. Tell her so.  Sometimes arguments spiral to the point we forget what started it and we carry on out of the hurt. Often they started over a petty and meaningless thing.

Relationships go thru stages. I've been thru so much w/ my wife, I couldn't imagine us not being there for each other.  Is there outside things that you can change that are harming the relation? Brainstorm, don't be afraid to try
Prof help.   

[cl]

I feel for you ...... because I have been there and it can be hell.... I was married and when we had our son my ex changed  . I think she was in love with the idea of being a mother and parent but she really wasn't ready... and the whole situation did an 180. She could not cope with the crying sleepless night and all the other things that go along with being a parent. Now I am not saying she does not love our son she just could not adjust... She left when our son was about 2 or 2 1/2 and when she left I told her she was free to leave but she was not taking my son with her. And she left. She was gone for about 5 months and then decide to come back home... I took her back and she left again 4 years later. All this has had an effect on my son to this day an he is 13... he has issues with his mother and her temperament is still the same... My son lives with me 85 % of the time and see his mother about every other weekend... and that is about it...  To sum it up .... try to make it work be a loving and caring parent and try to get your wife to seek some help for both of you.... Good Luck... and hang in there......

[drkaje]

You can't force someone to get 'help'.

[240 is Back]

My sister in law has shared custody, as does my sister.

In both kids, I see a bit of distress and turmoil that I don't see with kids who live in one house.

Maybe it's the constant change, not having one bed all the time, having mirrored families, and constant car rides.

They develop faster verbally (from having to explain what they want to 2 diff groups), but emotionally I do see strains.  (I have my BS in elem ed and studied early childhood development a lot).


My advice to you is to try to make it work.  Talk it out, get counseling, try to fix things.  Even if it means you only get another 3 or 4 or 5 years as a standard family unit before splitsville.  however, that child being loved and having a calm environment is the most important thing, so if there's constant and loud fighting, then maybe it's time to break.  Good luck.

[drkaje]

My sister in law has shared custody, as does my sister.

In both kids, I see a bit of distress and turmoil that I don't see with kids who live in one house.

Maybe it's the constant change, not having one bed all the time, having mirrored families, and constant car rides.

They develop faster verbally (from having to explain what they want to 2 diff groups), but emotionally I do see strains.  (I have my BS in elem ed and studied early childhood development a lot).


My advice to you is to try to make it work.  Talk it out, get counseling, try to fix things.  Even if it means you only get another 3 or 4 or 5 years as a standard family unit before splitsville.  however, that child being loved and having a calm environment is the most important thing, so if there's constant and loud fighting, then maybe it's time to break.  Good luck.

There's no doubt the transition affects children. In the same vein, being in an unhappy household has worse long-term effects.

This is a question everyone in an unhappy relationship should ask themselves:

What kind of person are you? If you get up in the morning, make coffee, put cream in it and realize the cream is curdled  what do you do? Put it back in the fridge for tomrrow's coffee or get new cream?

That's too practical for 99.999% of people. Most people would rather have change imposed upon them than take personal responsibility. Drinking coffee with curdled cream (on purpose) daily makes as much sense as being intentionally unhappy.

[homer77]

drkjae- that was a great way to put it.  i wish it was that simple. 

[Butterbean]

Excellent book

[trab]

drkjae- that was a great way to put it.  i wish it was that simple. 

You did love each other? Correct? If you can  get over what ails you have a chance. I feel you want to.
Are you both in constant attack mode or given up even talking?

Problem is a lot of people move on to the next relationship and next and its no difference.
2 people need to TRY a bit to cohabitate. Respect from both for both.

Not as easy done as said.  It dont sound to me like you want to throw in the towel.
Maybee a pro could be of help. Ive seen that work for others. A relationship w/ a child too is a big investment
Try to get her to see it that way??

But, some things, at some level are not negotiable. But often relationships blow over Nothing. Thats silly.

[drkaje]

You did love each other? Correct? If you can  get over what ails you have a chance. I feel you want to.
Are you both in constant attack mode or given up even talking?

Problem is a lot of people move on to the next relationship and next and its no difference.
2 people need to TRY a bit to cohabitate. Respect from both for both.

Not as easy done as said.  It dont sound to me like you want to throw in the towel.
Maybee a pro could be of help. Ive seen that work for others. A relationship w/ a child too is a big investment
Try to get her to see it that way??

But, some things, at some level are not negotiable. But often relationships blow over Nothing. Thats silly.

Loving someone doesn't gurantee liking them, LOL!

We're all happier for things being over.

[Laura Lee]

There is a lot of good advice here, but each one comes from different experiences.  There is no right way, nor written set of instruction for when things like this happen.  You have to do what you feel is right in your heart for all.  Some kids are fine when brought up with parents living in different homes, others are not.  It is so very important for the parents to alway ensure the child that they are so very much loved and nothing the child did caused the breakup.
I will also say this...no child, and I mean no child is ever fine living in a home with their parent fighting, not talking, living somewhat separate lives within the same household and showing no love for each other.  This itself will have an impact that no child should have to live with.   

[trab]

There is a lot of good advice here, but each one comes from different experiences.  There is no right way, nor written set of instruction for when things like this happen.  You have to do what you feel is right in your heart for all.  Some kids are fine when brought up with parents living in different homes, others are not.  It is so very important for the parents to alway ensure the child that they are so very much loved and nothing the child did caused the breakup.
I will also say this...no child, and I mean no child is ever fine living in a home with their parent fighting, not talking, living somewhat separate lives within the same household and showing no love for each other.  This itself will have an impact that no child should have to live with.   

The thing about "child didnt cause problem" is big. Little kids make weird cause effect relations that they dont verbalize. They can and do blame themselves for strange stuff. I'm watching one couple (the 4000sq ft home, E-mail only communicators) raise their kid like this.  Child could not start school because still poops in pants. The kid does this to control the situation IMO. Its like a weapon to be used at will. Mom and dad both have other partners, kid knows full well. Dad is hoping to get Iraq deploy- He has SOME female friends in army .  Expensive neighborhood.

He's a union Electrician and in the Guard. And She delivers newspapers at 4am so they can BARELY afford to live in house/neighborhood. If they were trailer trash, school social services would prolly allready have the kid, but it aint happening here.  THis poor kids a mess. I dont let my daughter around them anymore it's just too weird.
They seem to be satisfied w/ the relationship as is.