Bush Outsourced
( WASHINGTON, D.C.) -- Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India. The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead his office has incurred during the last 6 years.
"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accountability Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was not informed until this morning (by e-mail) of his termination although preparations for the job move have been under way for sometime. J.D. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the office of President of The United States of America.
Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff due to the time difference between the US and India. He will be working there primarily at night, when offices of the US Government will be open here. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center, " stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday. Now leave me alone!"
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in running the country, this should not be a problem, since Mr.Bush was not familiar with the issues either.
Mr. Singh will rely upon a "script tree" that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having any understanding of the underlying issues.
"We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson, "as President Bush has used them successfully for years."
Mr. Singh may not have to affect a Texas drawl, as lately Mr. Bush has semed to abandoned the "down home" persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the situation.
Mr. Bush will continue to receive health coverage, expenses, and salary only until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will then be eligible for $240 a week in unemployment compensation for thr next
13 weeks. Unfortunately, he will not be eligible for Medicaid as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.
Mr. Bush has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulty in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A "greeter" position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to his extensive experience shaking hands while projecting a phony smile.
Another possibility is Mr. Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are somewhat vague, but should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, Texas, for a month, before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited.
"I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport terminal and gift shop.
Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.
