Would you...?

[Hustle Man]

Tell your friend if you saw his or her spouse out with another person holding hands, kissing and intimately embracing one another?

[Butterbean]

I may confront the apparently adulterous spouse first though and give them the option to explain themselves and also to tell my friend first, but yes, I more than likely would. 

Although I had a friend who dated a guy for years that cheated on her repeatedly and she always stayed w/him so I eventually stopped telling her.

[Laura Lee]

I'd take a picture with my car phone, walk up and show them and then say..."do you want to tell them, or shall I?"   

[Geo]

Tell your friend if you saw his or her spouse out with another person holding hands, kissing and intimately embracing one another?

let's put it this way....

if I did'nt there's no way in hell I'd consider myself a friend

[BayGBM]

It would greatly depend on how close I was to my friend, but my generic answer is no, I would not say anything. 

As a general rule, I think someone else’s marriage should succeed or fail without my intervention.  No one knows what goes on in a relationship except the two people involved, and I have no way of knowing what the status of their union is . . .  for all I know, they could be swingers or have an open relationship.  Is that any of my business?  No.

If I was especially close to my friend, I might maneuver to let the spouse see me and make eye contact with me while with the lover so that s/he knows that I have seen them; I might walk past their table in a restaurant, or deliberately cross their path in a public venue. 

The one thing that might cause me to speak up is if I previously had a conversation with my friend in which s/he specifically told me that s/he would want a friend to tell them if we saw the spouse cheating in public.

[~flower~]

  I would tell them.  I would be pretty pissed if a friend of mine knew and didn't tell me.  Or I would tell the cheater and give them the opportunity to tell them. 

When you cheat you accept the risk you might get caught, so I see nothing wrong  with blowing them in.   

[Laura Lee]

It would greatly depend on how close I was to my friend, but my generic answer is no, I would not say anything. 

As a general rule, I think someone else’s marriage should succeed or fail without my intervention.  No one knows what goes on in a relationship except the two people involved, and I have no way of knowing what the status of their union is . . .  for all I know, they could be swingers or have an open relationship.  Is that any of my business?  No.

If I was especially close to my friend, I might maneuver to let the spouse see me and make eye contact with me while with the lover so that s/he knows that I have seen them; I might walk past their table in a restaurant, or deliberately cross their path in a public venue. 

The one thing that might cause me to speak up is if I previously had a conversation with my friend in which s/he specifically told me that s/he would want a friend to tell them if we saw the spouse cheating in public.

Bay, how would you feel if you were the one being deceived and not told?

An old friend of mine saw my ex-husband at a Celtics game with with his brother and two other women.  His brother had just recently split from his wife.  It was visually obvious that women were dates of my then husband and his brother as seen by my friend.  She didn't tell me until me and my ex split up (he left for a 20 year old...who in the end left him right after we split - gotta love that  ).  I asked her why she didn't tell me...she said she didn't feel it was her place.  Can you imagine hearing that??  It wasn't her place to tell her friend that her husband was cheating on her??  How could you look in the eyes of a friend and know they are being deceived by the one they love?  Not to mention possibly let the cheater infect their friend with some potential disease?  Not telling (IMO) is ignorant and possibly dangerous.

[Playboy]

Tell your friend if you saw his or her spouse out with another person holding hands, kissing and intimately embracing one another?

I would, but I would mak sure I had photo proof just incase.

[BayGBM]

Bay, how would you feel if you were the one being deceived and not told?

An old friend of mine saw my ex-husband at a Celtics game with with his brother and two other women.  His brother had just recently split from his wife.  It was visually obvious that women were dates of my then husband and his brother as seen by my friend.  She didn't tell me until me and my ex split up (he left for a 20 year old...who in the end left him right after we split - gotta love that  ).  I asked her why she didn't tell me...she said she didn't feel it was her place.  Can you imagine hearing that??  It wasn't her place to tell her friend that her husband was cheating on her??  How could you look in the eyes of a friend and know they are being deceived by the one they love?  Not to mention possibly let the cheater infect their friend with some potential disease?  Not telling (IMO) is ignorant and possibly dangerous.

Obviously, I would not be happy if I were the one being deceived and not told, but the issue is between my partner and me--not between my friend and me.

I certainly understand why you are upset, but I must agree with your friend.  If she feels it was not her place to say something then it was indeed not her place.  These are individual judgment calls.  What your friend may have been saying is that she didn’t feel as close to you as you did to her.  Accordingly, her decision to effectively mind her own business was justified.  She might have made a different decision with a different friend.

As I said previously, whether or not I would speak up would depend greatly on how close I felt to my friend.

In addition, things are not always what they seem.  Just because you see two people together on what looks like a date—even if they hold hands and kiss--does not necessarily mean what you think it means.  It’s not your friend’s job to play detective or otherwise “figure out” what is going on because at the end of the day it is not her business.

The person who betrayed you (and the only one you should have issues with) is your ex—not your friend and not the person your ex was having the affair with.  Your ex put your friend in the awkward position.  Don’t punish your friend for that. 

[~flower~]

Obviously, I would not be happy if I were the one being deceived and not told, but the issue is between my partner and me--not between my friend and me.

once the cheater is out in public with his affair, then it is no longer between the couple.  Why should you not be able to mention you saw so and so with some other so and so?  It is conversation and the incident was in public so you are not held to any confidentiality agreement.   

I would refuse to be a part of their deception and be expected to keep the lie. Once they made it my business (by being out in public) then tough shit.   

[BayGBM]

I never said the friend couldn’t mention that she saw so and so together.  I’m simply saying that it is her decision and that I would not fault her either way.  She is damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t. 

If she tells, some “friends” would turn around and blame her (for among other things, gossiping)—this doesn’t have to make sense.  It is an emotional reaction (displaced anger) and it wouldn’t be the first time that it has happened.  The friend who thought she was helping could find herself rejected, scapegoated, and the friendship permanently dissolved.

If she doesn’t tell, then people condemn her for not speaking up and potentially endangering her friend (you could have saved her from an STD, etc.)

As I said, the ex put her in an awkward situation.  Blame your ex for that—not your friend.

[Laura Lee]

I agree.  Why should everyone else know but the person who is being deceived. 

Bay...my friend was my best friend and she had confided in me some of her most sensitive things.  I'm sure she didn't tell me because she knew I would be hurt, but in the end, it hurt more to know that I was sleeping beside a man who was unfaithful.  As far as holding hands and kissing and it not being as it seems....are you alright?  What else could it mean?

And also, I would rather have a friend be upset with me because I may have jumped to the wrong conclusion...than have them be upset with me because I didn't tell them what I knew/saw.  She could have come to me and said "I thought I saw your husband at the Celtics game last night (mind you she lived upstairs from us).  If I didn't believe her for some reason, I would at least have the chance to say "you must be mistaken, he was working" or whatever.

Or, if I were her (like I said prior) I would have approached him just to let him know that I knew and give him the chance to come clean to the sig other.

[Monster_Everything]

I dont know about you guys but minding your own business would probably be best. If your going to rat, then take a pic and do it anonymously. With issues of the heart, people do irrational things.

[drkaje]

My hands are cramping as this is being typed...... Bay is right.

When you tell the friend all hell breaks loose and you end up being blamed. For me.. the friend telling me would have to be so close that I could take their word over a spouses/gf. There are 2 or 3 people I'm close enough with that I'd accept their word on a situation like that with no reservations.  If one of them told me my gf was messing around I'd dump her with no conversation whatsoever.

[Laura Lee]

I find it kinda funny that the women would want to tell or be told and the men would say nothing or not want to be told that their sig other was cheating on them.

[powerpack]

It depends, guys don't like to tell guys their ladies are being unfaithful as men have a tendency to shoot the messenger.
Generally I would keep my nose clean, I got involved once in 2003 telling some one that I saw his wife at the airport with another man and they where obviously not just friends.(turns out she was shagging her boss)
When the whole thing blew up the estranged wife threatened me with civil action for screwing up her life LOL it was just a bug ugly thing to go through

[BayGBM]

My hands are cramping as this is being typed...... Bay is right.

"...you have only begun to discover your power!  Join meeee!  And I will complete your training..." 

[~flower~]

 Ok instead of saying the person was cheating I would just mention in a conversation with the friend "Oh I saw so and so the other day but I don't think he/she saw me.  It was at (wherever)."   When they then asked what the person was doing I would mention they were with this man/woman, I didn't know the person (unless I knew the person then I would just say their name). 

  What happens after that is up to them.  I would just be having a conversation.

[~flower~]

I find it kinda funny that the women would want to tell or be told and the men would say nothing or not want to be told that their sig other was cheating on them.

  yes....... very interesting............. .........

[drkaje]

I find it kinda funny that the women would want to tell or be told and the men would say nothing or not want to be told that their sig other was cheating on them.

Men and women tend to accept different reasons for cheating. Besides... people always shoot the messenger. Guys don't want to deal with the drama but women love it.

Generally: men cheat for sex, women do it for attention.

[BayGBM]

I find it kinda funny that the women would want to tell or be told and the men would say nothing or not want to be told that their sig other was cheating on them.

Oh, let me be clear, I would want to be told if my partner was cheating on me, but I would not fault any friend for not telling me.

[Laura Lee]

Men and women tend to accept different reasons for cheating. Besides... people always shoot the messenger. Guys don't want to deal with the drama but women love it.

Generally: men cheat for sex, women do it for attention.

Cheating is cheating...there is no right reason for it.  And no, women don't love the drama of being cheated on or witnessing others being cheated on (unless of course you hate them).  drkaje...are you saying that if your woman was cheating on you and one of your family members or friends saw her.........you wouldn't want them to come to you and let you know?  Or if you saw your brother/sister's sign other out on the town cheating on them....you wouldn't tell them?

[drkaje]

Cheating is cheating...there is no right reason for it.  And no, women don't love the drama of being cheated on or witnessing others being cheated on (unless of course you hate them).  drkaje...are you saying that if your woman was cheating on you and one of your family members or friends saw her.........you wouldn't want them to come to you and let you know?  Or if you saw your brother/sister's sign other out on the town cheating on them....you wouldn't tell them?

Cheating is never right.

If my brother said "J, I saw your girl making out with another guy" I'd confront her about it. If it were one of my three closest friends, she'd be gone with no discussion. Anyone else would need serious proof: Pics, DNA, SSNs, video, etc...

Nine times out of ten you end up losing a friend after telling them something like that. It's almost as bad as telling someone their kid is a brat, LOL!

I would want to know but only from someone I trust fully.

Sometimes you forget, Cheri. Men are just as stupid as women when it comes to their mates. You can tell a guy a girl is bad news until blue in the face and it won't make a difference if he's into her or in love.

Much as it sucks to dedicate yourself to the wrong person...... Some lessons have to be learned the hard way.

[Hustle Man]

I'd take a picture with my car phone, walk up and show them and then say..."do you want to tell them, or shall I?"   

I handled it this way; only I brought in Steven Spielberg, his camera crew and proper lighting! We (my gf & I) were totally shocked when we saw them kissing in the parking lot!

But you know my gf asked me would I have said anything if she wasn't with me? Hmmmmmm, still thinking about this.

[~flower~]

  What's the car update and license Hustleman?