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Author Topic: Should a former 'wild woman' reveal her secret?  (Read 3030 times)
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« on: December 15, 2007, 10:54:39 PM »

I saw this letter in an advise column, and was curious about how people's opinions here might match up to the advice given.

-------------

Dear [blank],
 
I used to be somewhat of a wild woman. I went through a two-year phase of partying, drinking, and irresponsibility. At the end of last year, I really turned my life around. Now I have a steady job and stopped drinking and I have my best friend to thank for it.
 
Because she told me she didn't want to speak with me anymore, I realized how much I was not only hurting myself but the people around me. Since I've straightened up, my friend and I have reconnected, but I'm afraid my past is coming back to ruin things again.

My friend asked me to meet her at a restaurant so she could introduce me to her new boyfriend, who she has just raved about. She's even said she thinks he's "the one." When I walked in, I realized he was someone I had slept with during my partying phase. This didn't just happen once, but over quite a bit of time. He was kind of my weekend hookup.

I was shocked. He introduced himself as if he had never met me. When my friend went to the bathroom, he begged me not to tell my friend what had happened between us. I didn't that night, but now I'm wondering if I should. I feel horrible. What if they get married? He really meant nothing to me and still doesn't, but I feel like I should say something. I'm afraid she might find out because people saw us together, and we have pictures of us partying.
 
I would rather her hear it from me, but I don't want to ruin anything for her -- again. Should I tell her that I've slept with her boyfriend in the past or just keep my mouth shut?

-------------------

Ok people, ...what say you? Discuss.
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« Reply #1 on: December 16, 2007, 02:59:26 AM »

We are all in the process of learning, throughout our lives. Whatever you decide to do, the outcome is always different then you might expect.

Maybe they could just tell her that they had a one night stand, and didn't remember much because of the booze, and keep the rest of the story to themselves.
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« Reply #2 on: December 16, 2007, 06:59:53 AM »

I don't think she should tell her friend. Who cares? It's in the past. We all have skeletons. I firmly believe that there are things we don't need to know about someone.
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« Reply #3 on: December 16, 2007, 09:49:05 AM »

There's nothing wrong with having a few or more wild years, as long as you practice safe sex and be respectful to others. Regarding This particular situation; they were both adults in a consentual fling.

For some reason this guy thinks it will make his current girlfriend uncomfortable, well, its his and the ex's choice to tell or not to to tell. I wouldn't consider it a big issue. Denying it however is wrong.
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« Reply #4 on: December 16, 2007, 11:13:19 AM »

Dear Judi,

Good friends are hard to come by.

Let your past stay in the past. Smiley
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« Reply #5 on: December 16, 2007, 02:48:26 PM »

Judi,

If it makes you feel better please pm me and spill your guts.

Your Buddy

Humungous
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« Reply #6 on: December 17, 2007, 12:46:40 AM »

Judi,

If it makes you feel better please pm me and spill your guts.

Your Buddy

Humungous

{Giggle} This is not ME. I don't sleep around. If I was ever in that situation though,
I wouldn't need any advice on what to do. I'm just curious about what the responses would be here to see if they are in any way similar to the advice this woman was given.

So please people, ...more input about how you think this woman should handle it.

To tell, ...or not to tell. That is the question.
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« Reply #7 on: December 17, 2007, 09:24:54 AM »

Not to go off on a rant but...

I think if this lady told her friend she'd be telling her for all the wrong reasons. I think too often we feel like we have to confess to others. Too often deep down we only confess because "we" want to feel better, We just seem to think it'll make the other person feel better. Like I said before there are things about others we don't need to know.

For Example: I didn't need to be told by a ex-girlfriend that two weeks after we broke up she had an abortion (she told me this over a year later). She did this to make herself feel better & I'm sure to hurt me. This I could have gone my entire life without knowing.
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« Reply #8 on: December 17, 2007, 10:34:24 AM »

i think that whore should "fess up"!....................
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« Reply #9 on: December 17, 2007, 11:03:59 AM »

..."I don't sleep around."


What does this statement really mean? I have heard many women say this and it sounds a bit misleading, especially if you know the person well.  A women that uses this statement what message is she really trying to communicate?

A) That she is a Virgin; abstaining until marriage?
B) That she does not have more than 1 sexual partner at any given time?
C) That she is careful about who she chooses as her sexual partner/s?


I don't sleep around?HuhHuhHuhHuhHuhHuh?

Explain!

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« Reply #10 on: December 17, 2007, 12:12:55 PM »

i think that whore should "fess up"!....................

She was not a "whore". She was a former wild woman indiscriminate in her choice of partners.
Why men feel the need to use this term as the standard 'go to' to disparage women is beyond me.  Roll Eyes.

Okay, ...enough 'male' opinions. Can we have a few female perspectives?
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« Reply #11 on: December 17, 2007, 12:46:25 PM »

She was not a "whore". She was a former wild woman indiscriminate in her choice of partners.
Why men feel the need to use this term as the standard 'go to' to disparage women is beyond me.  Roll Eyes.

Okay, ...enough 'male' opinions. Can we have a few female perspectives?

For starters, I don't think it bodes well to have someone pleading and begging "PLEASE don't tell X I know you."  Undecided

But can't see how you could NOT tell the friend, and the BF's reaction is kind of deceitfully strange too.  If they were only FB's and it meant nothing, what's the big deal in mentioning they knew each other? They're making it mean something by keeping it from her.  Anyway, it's almost impossible to keep that kind of secret without one day accidently spilling something in conversation, like she has a weird tat or he has a unique birthmark. Then what do you do... feign a bad memory? "I meant to tell you, like, ten years ago but I forgot."   
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« Reply #12 on: December 17, 2007, 01:00:03 PM »

OKAY, one more time:

Quote from: jaguarenterprises on December 16, 2007, 11:46:40 PM
..."I don't sleep around."



What does this statement really mean? I have heard many women say this and it sounds a bit misleading, especially if you know the person well.  A women that uses this statement what message is she really trying to communicate?

A) That she is a Virgin; abstaining until marriage?
B) That she does not have more than 1 sexual partner at any given time?
C) That she is careful about who she chooses as her sexual partner/s?


I don't sleep around??

Explain!

 
..."I don't sleep around."

What does this statement really mean? I have heard many women say this and it sounds a bit misleading, especially if you know the person well.  A women that uses this statement what message is she really trying to communicate?

A) That she is a Virgin; abstaining until marriage?
B) That she does not have more than 1 sexual partner at any given time?
C) That she is careful about who she chooses as her sexual partner/s?


I don't sleep around??

Explain!

 
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« Reply #13 on: December 17, 2007, 01:06:38 PM »

OKAY, one more time:

Quote from: jaguarenterprises on December 16, 2007, 11:46:40 PM
..."I don't sleep around."



What does this statement really mean? I have heard many women say this and it sounds a bit misleading, especially if you know the person well.  A women that uses this statement what message is she really trying to communicate?

A) That she is a Virgin; abstaining until marriage?
B) That she does not have more than 1 sexual partner at any given time?
C) That she is careful about who she chooses as her sexual partner/s?


I don't sleep around??

Explain!

 
..."I don't sleep around."

What does this statement really mean? I have heard many women say this and it sounds a bit misleading, especially if you know the person well.  A women that uses this statement what message is she really trying to communicate?

A) That she is a Virgin; abstaining until marriage?
B) That she does not have more than 1 sexual partner at any given time?
C) That she is careful about who she chooses as her sexual partner/s?


I don't sleep around??

Explain!

 

D)  She doesn't have a lot of partners.  (Refers to number only. Doesn't necessarily mean she's "careful" about which few she chooses.  They could be dumbasses). 
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« Reply #14 on: December 17, 2007, 02:18:11 PM »

Yes, the BF and the former skank of a friend should tell the mutual friend (the unknowing GF) that they had a fling long before she and the BF even met. They should assure her that their hot, body fluid swapping, jaw stretching, tongue lashing, butt smacking, passion filled love making sessions are a thing of the past that she has nothing to worry about.

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« Reply #15 on: December 17, 2007, 04:36:11 PM »


  I'd tell her.  Since she thinks he may be the one and is going to be around for a while she should tell her now before she finds out.  It's not like she did anything wrong. 
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« Reply #16 on: December 17, 2007, 04:44:58 PM »

  I'd tell her.  Since she thinks he may be the one and is going to be around for a while she should tell her now before she finds out.  It's not like she did anything wrong. 

But she doesn't need to know.
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« Reply #17 on: December 17, 2007, 06:06:10 PM »

  I'd tell her.  Since she thinks he may be the one and is going to be around for a while she should tell her now before she finds out.  It's not like she did anything wrong. 

Hi ~flower~!  Welcome Back!  Smiley
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« Reply #18 on: December 17, 2007, 06:17:34 PM »

I really think she should tell her. This is the same friend that helped her by a somewhat intervention. Besides can you imagine if this girl found out her friend and boyfriend have a past together ( be it just bed buddies on the weekend) and noone bothered to tell her.
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« Reply #19 on: December 17, 2007, 07:03:20 PM »

But she doesn't need to know.

But when she finds out (and chances are she will) she will be really really pissed.

  I would want to know.  I would feel like they had a secret if they didn't tell me.

   
   If it was a one night stand I could see not saying anything, but it was more than that, so they should spill it and get it over with.

   If I was her I would of said it right there when I was "introduced" to him.  They're all friends right?
     Grin
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« Reply #20 on: December 17, 2007, 07:05:08 PM »

Hi ~flower~!  Welcome Back!  Smiley

 Hi Judi!    So what did advice did the columnist give her?
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« Reply #21 on: December 17, 2007, 07:34:14 PM »

But when she finds out (and chances are she will) she will be really really pissed.

  I would want to know.  I would feel like they had a secret if they didn't tell me.

   
   If it was a one night stand I could see not saying anything, but it was more than that, so they should spill it and get it over with.

   If I was her I would of said it right there when I was "introduced" to him.  They're all friends right?
     Grin

I still don't buy it. No one wants to hear that one of their friends fucked their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife. I've been with some people who were close/friends of my wife & I can tell you should wouldn't want to know.
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« Reply #22 on: December 17, 2007, 09:20:37 PM »

Rimbauld, I just remembered I was in a somewhat similar situation myself. it was about 6 years ago, and I was in a network mktg meeting, and at the end of the evening, I turned around and there was this investment banker who i used to do dinners and lunch dates with etc. Anyway, we said hello, and I asked him who had invited him to hear about the business, and he said, "I just wanted to come to see what my wife was doing. I wanted to understand how her business works, so i could better support her in it.". At the mention of "my wife" I nearly fainted. So I kept my poker face, and casually asked him who his wife was. He told me, and said "Oh how wonderful. She's a lovely lady." I discreetly discovered how long they had been married, ...and realized that fvcker was married to her while he was pursuing me.

I had orginally met the guy in 1991 at a 3-day Tom Hopkins seminar. Ran into him again in 94/95, and he started pursuing me in a big way. He failed the Rebecca test tho, so I didn't go any further, ...just kept him around for business purposes. Rebecca was an adorable little baby who looked like Pebbles Flinstone. She was the granddaughter of one of my neighbours.  One night after dinner, I invited up for a drink. He thought he'd be coming up to my apartment. Imagine his surprise when I led him up to the private bar and restaurant on the 10th floor of the condo. Anyway, many of my neighbours were in there having a drink etc., along with Rebecca. She distinctly did NOT like him at all.

I gotta tell you, there's nothing funnier than watching a grown man desperately trying to feign delight in a small child, especially when that small child makes it clear she can't stand him. It was so funny, he'd be smiling, and cooing, and talking baby talk in this proper British accent, in an attempt to curry favour with me, and being frustrated and stymied by an unco-operative 7 month old who saw right through him. His frustration was so palpable. {lol}

Anyway, he was too much of a snob, and too stiff for my tastes.

I decided I wasn't about to breathe a word to his wife. She wasn't my close friend, I barely knew the woman, she was just another distributor in my company, and she was crossline to me, so i was keeping my mouth shut.

I think he was fearful I would say something and said something to her himself, because she had always been so nice and pleasant, but after that day, she did a complete 180. I could sense the tension in her. After a few months, she seemed to be ok and back to normal. I suppose part of it had to do with the fact that I never said a word to anyone. She was fearful she would end up the laughing stock of our entire distributor co-op. I kept my mouth shut. I didn't want to see her embarrased or humiliated... for what? It's not like I ever slept with him, ...or even locked lips with the guy.

ps: If she had been a good friend, it would have been a whole different story.
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« Reply #23 on: December 17, 2007, 09:42:51 PM »


 Hi Judi!    So what did advice did the columnist give her?


I was hoping to get a few more female responses before I divulged that, but, ...since you asked so nicely,
...that, and the fact that I want to know something from you too {lol} I'll tell you.

psst: I'm hoping this makes you feel obligated in some way.  Grin


As for the 'wild woman' in this thread, I personally think she ought to say something if she is any kind of a friend.
She should at least let her friend know what a deceiptful POS she's involved with. That's just my opinion.

This letter was originally sent to a husband & wife team name Steve & Lynelle who each had differing opinions.
Just as I suspected, ...for the most part, opinions on what to do, seem to split down gender lines.

Here's what they said:

Steve:  Ah, the stuff of TV movies. How many times have I seen, heard or witnessed some version of this scenario? Plenty, and I always come back to the same answer: leave it alone, what's past is past.

If you tell her, chances are she'll hold it against you. If you wait and tell her, same thing. If he tells her, same thing, unless she's mature enough to realize that what happened had nothing to do with her then or now. But don't count on it. The fact that she found "the one" after "the one" found you won't sit well with a friend who disapproved of your bed-hopping.

When she quit talking to you, she was being judgmental, which means a low level of understanding and tolerance. After all, what effect did your actions have on her? It sounds like you only reconnected after you did what she wanted you to do.

You're a different woman now. I see no reason to tell her. If she finds out and holds it against you, she wasn't much of a friend anyway.



Lynelle: Oh, I so do NOT agree with Steve. I definitely think you should tell your friend. What's a relationship -- any relationship -- unless it's built on honesty and trust?

Yes, your friend will probably be very upset. But I believe she will be more upset not hearing it from you. She may very well hold this against you and bring up your past. Just don't let that change the fact that you have made a turnaround in your life, which I commend you for.

Steve's right, the past is the past, but that doesn't mean it still can't affect your life now. You ARE a different woman now -- an honest woman, I presume. So be who you are now and tell the truth. No secrets, no hiding.

When you tell your friend, though, be prepared that she may not want to speak with you for a while -- if ever again. It's harsh, but you are facing the consequences of being a "wild woman." This is a good lesson to always think before you act.

-------------

I disagree with the first half of Steve's advice to keep it from her, but I agree with the second half.
She appears to have a very judgemental friend. I can understand why the guy is terrified of her finding out, but still, if she wanted a virgin with no past, she shouldn't be dealing with a grown man, but instead sniffing around kindergarten playgrounds.

I agree with Lynelle's advice about telling her. Especially in light of the fact that their's was no scret relationship. If she does marry the guy, I don't see how they can keep that a secret. It will eventually come out.

Maybe she could test the waters a bit, telling her girlfriend, about some other couple, perhaps a mutual friend of their who is in love and state that she had a wild past with that guy, what should she do, ...should she tell or not. Depending on how her friend responds should be her q about how to proceed. At least that's what I would do in that situation.

I totally disagree with the last part of Lynelle's statement. For some reason, it appears to me like she's almost blaming the woman. Where is the guy in all of this? for that matter, there is no blame to be assigned. They're adults. It's not like they commited any crime. Are we then suppposed to take it that a woman should not enjoy herself on the odd chance her friends may one day fall in love with her playthings? That's ridiculous imo.
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« Reply #24 on: December 18, 2007, 06:48:15 AM »

She should at least let her friend know what a deceiptful POS she's involved with. That's just my opinion.

I don't agree that the guy is a deceitful POS, I can understand him not wanting to mess up what he has with her over something from his past.  But if they are going to have a long term relationship chances are the girl will find out.  I would be pretty pissed off to find out a year later that my bf (or now fiance) had a thing with one of my friends and I was totally clueless every time we all got together. Or if other people knew and I was the only one in the room who didn't. Don't play me for stupid.  Angry 

If he really is "the one" then she will get over it, because his past has nothing to do with her.
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