Friday Joke of The Day...

[Mydavid]

This may be an oldie but goodie-

A bodybuilder takes off his shirt, and the blonde says; 'What a great chest you have'. He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs.of dynamite, baby.' He takes off his pants, and the blonde says; 'What massive calves you have.' The bodybuilder tells her, 'That's 100lbs. of dynamite, baby.' He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on, and chases after her. He catches up to her, and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite, when I saw how short the fuse was!'

 

Lisa

[xxxLinda]

Husband always insisted on making love in the dark.  After 20 years, wife turns on the light and finds him holding a vibrator.  So she goes ballistic.  You impotent bastard!  How could you lie to me all these years?

Husband looks her straight in the eye and calmly says:  I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids...

[Playboy]

Lol.....nice one Lisa.

[~flower~]

lol Lisa 

[Butterbean]

 

[xxxLinda]

The Creation Of Woman |  University for Men | Add your own joke






70 things NOT to say to a man with a small penis

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. I'm sorry.
4. Never mind, why bother.
5. Who circumcised you?
6. Why don't we just cuddle?
7. You know they have surgery to fix that.
8. It's more fun to look at.
9. Make it dance.
10. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
11. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
12. It looks like a nightcrawler.
13. Wow, and your feet are so big.
14. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
15. It's OK, we'll work around it.
16. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
17. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
18. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
19. Oh no, a flash headache.
20. (giggle and point)
21. Can I be honest with you?
22. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
23. Let me go get my tweezers.
24. How sweet, you brought incense.
25. This explains your car.
26. You must be a growing boy.
27. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
28. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
29. Are you one of those pygmies?
30. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
31. Ever hear of Clearasil?
32. All right, a treasure hunt!
33. I didn't know they came that small.
34. Why is God punishing you?
35. At least this won't take long.
36. Let's just stick with your hand.
37. Do you need a splint to prop that up.
38. How interesting.
39. I never saw one like that before.
40. What do you call this?
41. But it still works right?
42. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
43. It looks so unused.
44. Do you take steroids?
45. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick.
46. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
47. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere.
48. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
49. Let me know when you're done.
50. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
51. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
52. Aww, it's hiding.
53. Are you cold?
54. If you get me real drunk first.
55. Is that an optical illusion?
56. What is that?
57. Does this run in your family?
58. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
59. Were you neutered?
60. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
61. Does it come with an air pump?
62. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
63. Where are the puppet strings?
64. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once.
65. Deep throat???
66. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
67. Can you get this pencil out of me now?
68. Do I hang my hat on it?
69. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
70. Don't hold back.

[shannon04]

These jokes have just made my day. Thanks!

[Princess L]

It's not Friday, but here goes...

DEAF WIFE

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she
might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the
family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform
to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from
her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats,
"Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and
asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's
for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"






"Ralph, for the FIFTH #@&$*# time, CHICKEN!"

[w8m8]

Golfing Hit Man

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed
The game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can
See she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly,'I think I can save you a grand here.....'